Spin225 Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 I was best friends with someone and we fell in love. He was married and the affair went on for a number of months and we planned a life together. In the end we told his wife and she was unexpectedly very forgiving and after A LOT of back and forth he chose her. He said he was in love with both of us but couldn’t leave her. It is 10 months after she took him back and he is still contacting me saying he misses me and that he wants me to know he loves me. Everywhere I turn he’s there and I just can’t do it anymore. I love him so much and I want to be with him but I have accepted that can never happen and the fact that he keeps on contacting me is making me so depressed and unable to move on. Every time I think will be the last but then something else always happens. It feels like he is doing this because he knows his wife won’t find out and therefore the only way of stopping it is to tell her what’s been going on so she can make sure he doesn’t contact me. Is it awful of me to tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 How about telling him if he doesn't stop you will tell his wife. Why upset her all over again if you don't have to? Then again perhaps she needs to know that "choosing her" means that he is still trying to get you back... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 Do you work together? Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Unfortunately, you are not going to convince him to leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 Absolutely block him from contact. He is trying to move you back into the position of the OW. He's never going to leave his wife for you. You will look up 10 years down the line and be bitter that you wasted all of your good years on someone else's husband. It's a lonely life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
EvangelineVincent Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 I’d save the text messages and tell her, I think she’s in the dark about what he is doing now. She deserves to know. Also, if they end up divorced over this, remember he picked her twice, the initial time when you didn’t exist in the picture and then the second time when you existed in the picture and he picked her over you. If you end up with him, he will cheat on you because that’s what he was doing your whole relationship, going from you to her. If you decline him, he will find another woman on the side to cheat on his wife with. Some people can’t be faithful, one person isn’t enough for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Spin225 said: It feels like he is doing this because he knows his wife won’t find out and therefore the only way of stopping it is to tell her what’s been going on so she can make sure he doesn’t contact me. Is it awful of me to tell her? He is doing this because he can. That’s the simple and honest truth. It will stop when you find the strength to tell him that you are not an option for him anymore. He may be everywhere, but you must be continuing to engage with him or he wouldn’t keep showing up. So, tell his wife if you like - she deserves to know, especially after what you have previously described. She needs to know that the second chance she gave her husband has been wasted. That should stop him coming around... But, if she kicks him out and you decide to take him in.... don’t be surprised when you find yourself in a similar position a few years down the road - with either his ex wife, or another woman. Nothing about this story indicates that this man is a trustworthy partner - for either you, or his wife. Ignore that warning at your own peril. Good luck! Edited November 26, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 4 hours ago, Spin225 said: I was best friends with someone and we fell in love. He was married and the affair went on for a number of months and we planned a life together. In the end we told his wife and she was unexpectedly very forgiving and after A LOT of back and forth he chose her. He said he was in love with both of us but couldn’t leave her. It is 10 months after she took him back and he is still contacting me saying he misses me and that he wants me to know he loves me. Everywhere I turn he’s there and I just can’t do it anymore. I love him so much and I want to be with him but I have accepted that can never happen and the fact that he keeps on contacting me is making me so depressed and unable to move on. Every time I think will be the last but then something else always happens. It feels like he is doing this because he knows his wife won’t find out and therefore the only way of stopping it is to tell her what’s been going on so she can make sure he doesn’t contact me. Is it awful of me to tell her? madam, if he ignores your requests to leave you alone, if he knows it's painful to you and you can't get any peace and he's still not stopping? He doesn't love you. He only cares about himself. He can't even allow you to move on because it give shim too much of an ego boost to know he's got you on a string> Where is this guy anyway? Sounds like he needs a swift kick in the you know where for treating two women who love him this way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 18 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: madam, if he ignores your requests to leave you alone, if he knows it's painful to you and you can't get any peace and he's still not stopping? He doesn't love you. He only cares about himself. This is it. He does deserve a swift kick in the... tell his wife, and she may well give him exactly that! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 Is the reason you want to tell his wife is because you want to blow up their marriage once and for all, have her kick him out, and he runs to you? Better to just block him on everything, and change jobs if you have to, to get away from him. There is no future with a man like him, unless you are happy to be the OW and get whatever scraps he tosses your way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lifeoflies Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 (edited) It’s a pretty awful thing to do but he deserves it. Telling his wife will likely get him to leave you alone. Edited November 27, 2020 by lifeoflies Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 Absolutely don't get involved with this man's drama at home with the wife. It's likely she suspects what he's up to anyway as women have a sixth sense. It's not your job to point out the error of his ways. Its between the wife and him. Frankly , doing so would make you look vindictive and childish. Walk away from this man with your head held high and move on with your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Milly May June Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 Tell his wife. Fake reconciliation is horrible. You told her once. Tell her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 21 hours ago, elaine567 said: How about telling him if he doesn't stop you will tell his wife. Why upset her all over again if you don't have to? I agree with with Elaine. Make this clear and then you likely need to block him. You sound like you have accepted the situation for what it is, but his constant contact is obviously very hard for you. Others on this thread make great points about him not observing your boundaries really showing his lack of care for you. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, Spin225 said: In the end we told his wife and she was unexpectedly very forgiving and after A LOT of back and forth he chose her. Did the two of you sit down with his wife and tell her together he was going to leave? If so, what made him go back? Edited November 27, 2020 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted November 27, 2020 Share Posted November 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, S2B said: file a restraining order on him. consider moving out of the area. Consider counseling too, to gain some strength. A restraining order is extreme at this point. As is moving away. There are less invasive options. Link to post Share on other sites
pennydrop Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Telling his wife was the only thing that worked for me. I would try to steer clear of the nuclear and, like others have said, simply tell him you'll tell her if he keeps contacting you. But it's amazing how completely they vanish when their game has been exposed---which is what this all is, despite the narrative we sell ourselves. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Why haven't you blocked his numbers, email addresses etc? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Camper Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 What he is doing is inexcusable and a horrible thing to do to both you and his wife. As Milly May pointed out, fake reconciliation is terrible. His wife deserves to know that he is still contacting you. Forward the messages (or screen shots of them) to his wife. She needs to have honest information to make a decision about the rest of her life. While some might say it will look like you are trying to gain revenge, his wife deserves to know that her husband continued to be a cheating jerk. Finally, even if you two end up together, remember, if he cheated WITH you, he can also cheat ON you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 It depends on the motives for telling his wife. Hoping she dumps him and runs to you? Revenge? If you want a definitive end and this gives you closure by revealing truths, then go for it. Otherwise block him. Link to post Share on other sites
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