What do I do?

[Jamesones10123]

Bored. And confused as to what to do for the best. 

i've been married 13 years have 3 children together. I feel as tho im only here for the kids and i know that if i was to divorce then i would be happier and i would get the support that i needed due to my disability.

im not sure how to tell the wife as she cant see anything wrong in our marriage and as she not the communcative type and usually blames most things on me i feel as tho this is going to be hard. Any suggestions welcome. 

as two of my children are also disabled i dont know what to do for the best to protect them as i dont want to upset any of them and for them to resent me. 

please feel free to comment or send me private messages. I will try and answer as many as i can. 

thanks again

[schlumpy]

37 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said:

Bored. And confused as to what to do for the best. 

i've been married 13 years have 3 children together. I feel as tho im only here for the kids and i know that if i was to divorce then i would be happier and i would get the support that i needed due to my disability.

im not sure how to tell the wife as she cant see anything wrong in our marriage and as she not the communcative type and usually blames most things on me i feel as tho this is going to be hard. Any suggestions welcome. 

as two of my children are also disabled i dont know what to do for the best to protect them as i dont want to upset any of them and for them to resent me. 

please feel free to comment or send me private messages. I will try and answer as many as i can. 

thanks again

How severe is your disability? Does it affect your mental well being? Can you work?

Have you tried marriage counseling (MC)? With three kids, two of which are disabled, that would seem a necessary step.

Why is your wife unaware of your unhappiness? It must be very difficult to hide the resentment. Do you feel she is mistreating you mentally or physically?

Have you ever discussed how you feel with close family or friends? What did they advise?

How about some examples of things in your marriage that are driving you to want to bail out. Being disabled it seems to me that having a wife and family to look after you is a better scenario then single and on your own. 

 

[Jamesones10123]

I have muscular dystrophy. I dont work and neither does my wife she is my carer and is suppose to look after me. 

We have tried online mc. As my anxiety kicks in majorly when i meet people in person it was best decided if we tried this way. It worked for about 2 weeks max and then things started to revert back to the same old life. 

Never discussed how i feel with family as i dont want to burden then with my problems. They are not fussed on my wife and never have been. 

As wife is my carer. She gets money to look after me but does more for other people than me. So im left feeling drained and unhappy most days. The kids do me for me when they are not in school than the wife does and were together 24/7 most days. 

 

[schlumpy]

Muscular Dystrophy is a serious disability. It must be very difficult.

James, my wife has MS and I'm her caregiver although I don't get paid for it. Same situation but with the roles reversed.

My wife is the same way you are. She is always being a martyr because she doesn't want to bother me. She wants to return to self sufficiency. She wants a husband and not a confusing mixture of caretaker/husband. So far her need for self sufficiency has broken her ankle in three places and and broken her femur which meant a partial hip replacement. Both events increased the burden on me instead of what she intended.

She is much better now but still has flights of fancy where she takes risks because it bother her for me to do everything.

You might think about cutting your wife some slack. I'm sure that she has trouble adapting to a new role in life. Try and help her so she can help you.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, schlumpy said:

How severe is your disability? Does it affect your mental well being? Can you work?

Have you tried marriage counseling (MC)? With three kids, two of which are disabled, that would seem a necessary step.

Why is your wife unaware of your unhappiness? It must be very difficult to hide the resentment. Do you feel she is mistreating you mentally or physically?

Have you ever discussed how you feel with close family or friends? What did they advise?

How about some examples of things in your marriage that are driving you to want to bail out. Being disabled it seems to me that having a wife and family to look after you is a better scenario then single and on your own. 

 

 

11 hours ago, Jamesones10123 said:

  She gets money to look after me 

Sorry to hear that.

Do you mean that your and the 2 affected children's disability payments go toward the household?

When you have time, make sure you are getting all the social services available to you... and your children.

For example see if you can get home aides, some relief with household duties, shopping,etc.

Also look into faith or community based programs that can assist you and take some of the burdens off taking care of 2 disabled children and assist you more.

Can your wife look into some type of respite care for caregivers?

 

[Jamesones10123]

Yes it is very difficult at times. Even to the point that i struggle to get out of bed. Although i try and be as self sufficent as i can as to not burden my wife i find the more that i try and do the more she wants me to do and then this leads me to major pain flare ups.

And if i say "i cant do it" due to already being in pain. even tho i try my best. Thats not good enough for her either. As i used to do everything before. She thinks that i can still do it even tho as you are aware its a degenerative condition and she has always knew that how i would end up and that i would get worse as i get older. 

[Jamesones10123]

All my disability payments go towards the household cost. 

[elaine567]

As your wife is looking after 3 disabled people here, then I guess a divorce may be a relief for her...
Have you actually investigated what divorce would mean for you?
Housing, care and finances, 50/50 child care...
Fine to sit there bored and moaning about your wife, but are you being realistic about the alternative?  

[Jamesones10123]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

As your wife is looking after 3 disabled people here, then I guess a divorce may be a relief for her...
Have you actually investigated what divorce would mean for you?
Housing, care and finances, 50/50 child care...
Fine to sit there bored and moaning about your wife, but are you being realistic about the alternative?  

kids are in school most days and they dont really rely on help at the moment as they still have theyre independence.

I know housing costs and finances. But i always know that i would get the help that i need from family and as someone has posted before i could always get social care too. As i would have the money that im entitiled too so this would cover this. And yes it does pay for some household bills but the wife spends the rest of it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jamesones10123 said:

All my disability payments go towards the household cost. 

Ok, since your condition is progressively worsening And she has 3 kids, 2 also disabled, it's really time to research home aides, nursing care, household helpers, etc.

Do your best to research ways to get the help you And your disabled children need.

[Jamesones10123]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, since your condition is progressively worsening And she has 3 kids, 2 also disabled, it's really time to research home aides, nursing care, household helpers, etc.

Do your best to research ways to get the help you And your disabled children need.

I have suggested home helpers before. But the wife as always denied this as shes always said that she can cope. 

[Cookiesandough]

That’s a terrible situation, Opie. I don’t know what I’d do. I just wanted to wish you strength and I hope that you are  able to find some resolution. Sorry I could not be more helpful.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said:

I have suggested home helpers before. But the wife as always denied this as shes always said that she can cope. 

But she's Not coping. Make sure you and your 2 children are getting ALL the assistance you are entitled to.

It's not her call to decide how your care is managed, it's yours. Do not let her isolate you or the children from every possible resource available.

Make sure she's not misusing funds intended for your/your kid's care.

Every penny of your and your children's disability payments must go to your and their care. 

While your wife has a huge responsibility, it's causing conflict and resentment.

[schlumpy]

It seems as if you are suggesting that she is failing her duties as a caretaker and perhaps as a wife also? 

What is she spending the money on?

If you believe your grievances are real and she does not have your best interest at heart then I would suggest looking for a legal advocate. You can of course invite the government into your home. They will happily come in and inspect the hell out of your life but many times when you involve government agencies things can go south rapidly as they are awash with nonsensical regulations that become repressive to living a quality life. So, I would suggest looking at the private sector first. You will be in control since you pay the bill.

I realize your wife will resist these ideas. Not knowing her, I can only speculate as to why. Having strangers evaluate your performance would not be comfortable and you may get the divorce you are seeking if she feels sufficiently humiliated.

I think your goal right now should be to maintain as a high a quality of life as can reasonably be expected.

You recommend a plan with short term and long term goals and preferably it will be a plan that will contain input from your wife and children. Their quality of life is also important.