Which flirtations are acceptable among friends of opposite sex who are in relationships with other people

[EvangelineVincent]

What’s “too” close a friendship vs just good friends ?

What acts of affection for a friend of the opposite sex are ok ? Hugs ? Massages ? Sharing food or drinks ? Face touching ? Hair touching ? Kissing on cheek ? 
 

I’m trying to get people’s opinions on what’s appropriate or not for themselves, to see where others draw the line or not ? 

[central]

Anything goes, as long as we're both in the know and in agreement, and we respect any boundaries we have, as well as those our friends have.  We are poly-minded and have an open relationship with a few rules/boundaries.  Any of the things in your list don't require discussion as they are within existing boundaries.

[EvangelineVincent]

I meant to state the relationship you are in is monogamous not an open relationship.

 

[stillafool]

46 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

What’s “too” close a friendship vs just good friends ?

What acts of affection for a friend of the opposite sex are ok ? Hugs ? Massages ? Sharing food or drinks ? Face touching ? Hair touching ? Kissing on cheek ? 
 

I’m trying to get people’s opinions on what’s appropriate or not for themselves, to see where others draw the line or not ? 

For me:

Hugs - ok

Massage - ok if they have a pain in neck, shoulder

Sharing food and drinks - No because of covid and other diseases

Face touching - okay if a spider or fly is on their face and they are shewing it away

Hair touching -     "              "             "                                  "                        "

kissing on cheek - okay sometimes if they haven't seen each other in a while

 

 

[mark clemson]

I flirt quite a bit. However it always takes the form of conversation/attention. You can do a surprisingly large amount of flirting this way.

For myself I NEVER make sexual/strongly suggestive remarks. It's simply not my style.

For example, I might make extended "eye contact, but I would never e.g. say "I'd kiss you now if I could" or something to that effect.

It seems to work anyhow for me and I think keeps things down to a dull roar, which is exactly as it's intended.

[Cookiesandough]

Hugs: ok

Massage: Trying to think of a situation where this wouldn’t be weird and failing. So no. 

Sharing food and drinks: Ok, but not the most healthy thing, particularly now. 

Face touching: Unless they were trying to get something off a friend’s face, this is also weird. So no. 

Hair touching: Why? Weird. No. 

Kissing on cheek: Pretty unusual among friends where I’m from. I can’t see dating someone doing this, but not unacceptable from someone in a greeting or goodbye. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Agree with everything shortskirts posted but maybe more importantly, to the OP, why do you ask?

Is there more to this?  Like is your boyfriend behaving inappropriately with a female "friend" and deeming it innocent flirt, or are you?  

If you're uncomfortable answering I respect that, just thought I'd toss the question out in case you wanted to discuss.  

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[EvangelineVincent]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Agree with everything shortskirts posted but maybe more importantly, to the OP, why do you ask?

Is there more to this?  Like is your boyfriend behaving inappropriately with a female "friend" and deeming it innocent flirt, or are you?  

If you're uncomfortable answering I respect that, just thought I'd toss the question out in case you wanted to discuss.  

Am not in a relationship.
 

I just want to see what is acceptable forms of flirtatious behavior to different people while they are in a monogamous relationship 

[Weezy1973]

58 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

Am not in a relationship.
 

I just want to see what is acceptable forms of flirtatious behavior to different people while they are in a monogamous relationship 

Most of what you listed needs context. All of it can be flirtatious or completely benign depending on the circumstance. 

[EvangelineVincent]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Most of what you listed needs context. All of it can be flirtatious or completely benign depending on the circumstance. 

What about raunchy flirting, I see this a lot among the married men and women at work, but mainly the guys. They sexually joke and flirt. 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's hard to answer the question if you don't tell us why you are asking it?

Did you run into trouble in this area? 

Basically, I would say the kind of touch you engage in with a friend is a one-off. My shoulder is sore as I am walking with a friend. Person puts hand on my shoulder for quick rub. A few seconds. In contrast, for romance, you can rub that shoulder a long time.

Hug, kiss on the cheek. 

But behind these outward actions is the energy. You touch a friend with energy different than you touch/kiss/massage or do anything with a romantic partner.

Maybe another way to say this is that you do not use touch to feel close to your friend. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

8 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

Hugs ? Massages ? Sharing food or drinks ? Face touching ? Hair touching ? Kissing on cheek ? 

Hugs: Yes

Massage: No

Sharing food or drinks: No to drinks, covid or not. Food if they break off a piece and hand it to me. I would never put one of my utensils into food on their plate, covid or not.

Face touching: Can't think of anyone other than my grandchildren (when young, before puberty roughly) or SO whose face I'd touch.

Kissing on cheek: Maybe. We kiss air when cheek to cheek around here with women and men both as we hug hello or goodbye. Once, though, the brother of the guy I was in a serious relationship with kissed me hello or goodbye on the lips, a quick peck. It was just a family kind of kiss, I guess. Surprised me. He wasn't hitting on me. My family never kissed on the lips. Mostly we just hugged and still that's what we do.

I am a very touchy huggy kind of a person and try to remember to be careful with people to read cues to see if they don't want to be touched. I do not appreciate a man whom I don't know well who touches me, though. Like tries to shake my hand. Once at church a guy I hardly knew put his arm around my waist as we stood side by side. I had to tell him not to do that. Once in a while a guy will be out of line without really trying to hit on a woman, it seems to me. Just not knowing what's appropriate.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

What about raunchy flirting, I see this a lot among the married men and women at work, but mainly the guys. They sexually joke and flirt. 

Did the married guy at work you were seeing engage in this with you or other co-workers?

To be honest "sexually raunchy" doesn't belong in the workplace at all.

If it's happening to you or disturbs you talk to your manager or HR,  they most likely have policies in place.

A rhetorical survey like this does you no good if it doesn't apply to you.

[lana-banana]

10 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

What about raunchy flirting, I see this a lot among the married men and women at work, but mainly the guys. They sexually joke and flirt. 

Where on earth are you working that anyone is making raunchy remarks, especially in reference to other coworkers? That sounds like an HR nightmare. 

In my marriage, neither of us flirt, but my husband's very extroverted and much more touchy-feely than I am. Hugging and touch is fine (pre-COVID, anyway). Cheek kisses for greetings or goodbyes are okay. Complimenting someone on their appearance is fine of course, but going on and on about it would be inappropriate. Massages would never happen.

[EvangelineVincent]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did the married guy at work you were seeing engage in this with you or other co-workers?

To be honest "sexually raunchy" doesn't belong in the workplace at all.

If it's happening to you or disturbs you talk to your manager or HR,  they most likely have policies in place.

A rhetorical survey like this does you no good if it doesn't apply to you.

Our job is very laid back,  affairs at work are a dime a dozen, from the higher ups to the lower downs, people openly flirt and act raunchy. You’d have to fire the entire building if you were going to come forth and say so and so is behaving inappropriately. 
 

All of these people are married with kids btw. It’s kinda scary what happens at work that their spouses are clueless about. Everyone had “work spouses”

Yes the married guy flirted with me and others. This flirting included words and touch. It was done in front of others and behind closed doors. 
 

When I came along I noticed he wasn’t as willing to flirt with me in front of others  by physical touch, only in words, that’s because we were intimate behind the scenes, on the other hand, with Susan, he was more open to both verbal flirting AND physical flirting as in, if her back or feet hurt, he’d massage them thinking nothing of it in front of others or alone.

I’m not sure what to make of it. 
 

Edited November 28, 2020 by EvangelineVincent

[Fletch Lives]

If you would not say or do it in front of your SO, it's probably bad.

[stillafool]

Sounds like a trashy place to work..

[EvangelineVincent]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Sounds like a trashy place to work..

It is, and am a bit disillusioned by it, but it’s a paycheck.

[MsJayne]

Hugs -  Yes, briefly when you meet up with a friend, or a longer hug if someone is upset and needs a comfort hug.

Massages - No, completely inappropriate. Often used by gropey people as an excuse to touch others.

Sharing food or drinks - Depends on context. Offering someone a chip is OK, offering a forkful of your Chateaubriand accompanied by a meaningful look is not OK.

Face touching - Absolutely not. Keep your hands to yourself.  

Hair touching -  See Face Touching.

Kissing on cheek -  Pre-Covid I used to always greet close friends with a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek,  the keyword is "quick", lingering hugs are out.

In the context of a workplace, sexually suggestive behaviour is completely unacceptable.  Apart from the Creepy Factor there's also way too much potential for people to get carried away and someone ending up being forced out of their job. I once worked with an old fart who would come up behind me and start massaging my shoulders while I sat at my desk. Back then I was too timid to tell him, (senior management), to F off, but that's what I was thinking. You should never assume that someone wants your amorous attention just because they're friendly towards you, too many people misread social cues and take a little light banter as a come on. 

 

 

[Uruktopi]

"Which flirtations are acceptable among friends of opposite sex who are in relationships with other people"

A short but quite enough answer? None

[Uruktopi]

On 11/27/2020 at 3:33 PM, EvangelineVincent said:

What acts of affection for a friend of the opposite sex are ok ?

All acts of affection wich have no direct and no ambiguous romantic nor sexual shades of.

[Uruktopi]

23 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

What about raunchy flirting

The difference between raunchy flirting an light flirting is like the one in falling from the 30th floor instead of from the 10th.

May be forensic experts may find that relevant.

But not would not make a difference for the corpse.

[Cookiesandough]

9 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

Our job is very laid back,  affairs at work are a dime a dozen, from the higher ups to the lower downs, people openly flirt and act raunchy. You’d have to fire the entire building if you were going to come forth and say so and so is behaving inappropriately. 
 

All of these people are married with kids btw. It’s kinda scary what happens at work that their spouses are clueless about. Everyone had “work spouses”

Yes the married guy flirted with me and others. This flirting included words and touch. It was done in front of others and behind closed doors. 
 

When I came along I noticed he wasn’t as willing to flirt with me in front of others  by physical touch, only in words, that’s because we were intimate behind the scenes, on the other hand, with Susan, he was more open to both verbal flirting AND physical flirting as in, if her back or feet hurt, he’d massage them thinking nothing of it in front of others or alone.

I’m not sure what to make of it. 
 

I can’t stand the creepy coworker who thinks it’s ok to rub your shoulders. Get out of here with that

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

Yes the married guy flirted with me and others. This flirting included words and touch. 

 we were intimate behind the scenes,

He no longer works there? So your question is was he multiple affairs at work or just with you and did he lay low because he didn't want to let on about the "behind closed doors" situation ?

[EvangelineVincent]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He no longer works there? So your question is was he multiple affairs at work or just with you and did he lay low because he didn't want to let on about the "behind closed doors" situation ?

I don’t really know what my question is, I guess I was just trying to see why he in particular cheats.  It’s all water under the bridge now I suppose. Except that his wife texted me this morning asking to meet in person. Not sure what am going to say or do. Not sure if he told her about his cheating or she discovered something.