Alternative relationships

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 

Such is life. Some mistakes cannot be fixed.

Well if you believe that why would you even ask people for advice?

Then come up with negative ways to dismiss it?
I am guessing my life would have been a waste of time from what you say, I certainly made loads of mistakes, but very few I regret overall.

I had a fabulous life...lovely experiences lovely stories. Go take your chance in the wider world if you need something outside your community?

Maybe you are just being too cautious or avoidant or something?

Yes life hurts, and some people fail, but at least try getting your life better before you give up! 

 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Are you honestly telling me you only date people similar to you, does that also mean you eat food similar to what you ate growing up, live in a similar house, drive a similar car, I think you get what I am saying here.

I’m married, but when I was dating, I went  on dates with all sorts, but the women I connected with the most, were the most similar. My wife and I share many core values. Including the food we eat. 

 

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Pretty much every single lady I come across drinks and few can understand why I do not. 

You’ve got to expand your circle from the one party player friend. It’s skewing your perspective. 

 

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Type, that completely ignores Maslow's theory, that being the case we would be all happy to sit at the bottom of the pyramid and just get on with things. "ah its ok, she is not that attractive but heck she likes me so why not", cool I respect people who subscribe to that but I do not.

Clearly you don’t know what Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is. 

 

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Similar to me, I needed some humor today, cant say I have ever met anyone similar to me.

You don’t meet anybody, or at least get to know anybody well enough to know this. But it’s a story you’ve made up in your mind. And you’re sticking to it!

 

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have had enough rejection to last many people a lifetime, all rejection no success, hit your head against the wall ten times and tell me you do not suffer ill effects. If you are to be believed its quite normal to go years of being kicked in the face by ladies. 

Hyperbole. Most of the dating stories you recount are very typical, average online dates. No connection. No mutual attraction. Normal. Your reaction to them isn’t normal. But the actual dates are.

 

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

A good recent example, chat with someone she wants to meet up, she cancels one day before, agree to meet the following week, communication dies and no meeting happens.  

Normal. And not a rejection. 
 

You need therapy. Whether you believe it or not. Your thoughts and beliefs are keeping you stuck and nothing you do will change that unless you’re willing to address those things. Therapy. 

[Trail Blazer]

On 12/1/2020 at 3:28 AM, Fletch Lives said:

Never settle

That's one thing @ZA Dater is not in danger of doing.

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, Ellener said:

Well if you believe that why would you even ask people for advice?

Then come up with negative ways to dismiss it?
I am guessing my life would have been a waste of time from what you say, I certainly made loads of mistakes, but very few I regret overall.

I had a fabulous life...lovely experiences lovely stories. Go take your chance in the wider world if you need something outside your community?

Maybe you are just being too cautious or avoidant or something?

Yes life hurts, and some people fail, but at least try getting your life better before you give up! 

 

You are indeed very fortunate with that. 

 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You are indeed very fortunate with that. 

 

You are still young, so can you.

 

[ZA Dater]

Here is another example of what is a core issue I have, yesterday I met someone really nice, completely out of my league as some here would love to say, again it was a warn nice conversation and I could just be me. Really that is my alternative, find that warmth I am looking for in simple things like a good conversation. This week I allowed the poison of dating and being lonely to once again poison the rest of my life and it was not pretty at all. 

I think some roads are only really understood if a person has walked that road themselves.

[ZA Dater]

So I decided to go onto that field and try play that game, walked off wondering why I bothered because once again lost out to a Chad. However at least I was in the game for someone who did wow me but as someone pointed out I have zero chance with them so it's always going to be a loss position.

[Cookiesandough]

I just don’t get why some of you guys spend years and years wringing your hands over hypotheticals and why women aren’t attracted to you. Find someone who is or get in a position where you have more options. Life is too short 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

If you keep pitching at "out of your league" women, you need to be able to bring something special to the table else you will always lose out to some other "better" guy.
Did this "Chad" just happen to come along or was he her bf?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

If you keep pitching at "out of your league" women, you need to be able to bring something special to the table else you will always lose out to some other "better" guy.
Did this "Chad" just happen to come along or was he her bf?

No, she is single. Thing is I don't really see those Chad's being better than me at the things which should be important.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I just don’t get why some of you guys spend years and years wringing your hands over hypotheticals and why women aren’t attracted to you. Find someone who is or get in a position where you have more options. Life is too short 

Yeah it's short, too short to settle. I am never going to have decent options, I have 80 matches on tinder not one of which I find attractive, every single one is a "larger"lady. 

I might just as well live in a world where I believe I can even if I can't. It's the old story of lack of interest in me really, dunno maybe it's actually better to watch the game than play it.

[elaine567]

Is obesity a big problem in younger South African women?

[Weezy1973]

28 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

No, she is single. Thing is I don't really see those Chad's being better than me at the things which should be important.

Why are you dictating to other people what they should find important? 
 

You need to be looking for people that share your values, but you’re not attracted to them. For example it makes sense that women that don’t place a premium on looks, wouldn’t put as much effort into their own looks either. But you’re not interested in those women. 
 

The qualities you say you have are the qualities that woman looking to settle down, get married and have a family would be looking for. But you’re not interested in that kind of relationship. 
 

You’re attracted to the kinds of women that place a premium on looks, charm and fun. 
 

Like attracts like.

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

It's the old story of lack of interest in me really, dunno maybe it's actually better to watch the game than play it.

Plenty of interest in you. 80 matches. You’re just not interested in them. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/10/2020 at 11:44 AM, ZA Dater said:

 

I think some roads are only really understood if a person has walked that road themselves.

True.  You're missing that many people here who are wasting their time trying to help you HAVE been on the same road as you have.  You aren't listening to that, because you're only here to vent, argue and confirm your own biases and self pity over and over.  

Anyone who doesn't like their life needs to change it, or stay stuck.  I'm old.  I can tell you from years of experience that "changing our life" boils down to doing some serious work on ourselves.  You need to do the same, or else watch life pass you by and continue to become more bitter and entitled, which will further alienate you from what you want.  Your choice.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Plenty of interest in you. 80 matches. You’re just not interested in them. 

Trust me you would not go out with one of them. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

True.  You're missing that many people here who are wasting their time trying to help you HAVE been on the same road as you have.  You aren't listening to that, because you're only here to vent, argue and confirm your own biases and self pity over and over.  

Anyone who doesn't like their life needs to change it, or stay stuck.  I'm old.  I can tell you from years of experience that "changing our life" boils down to doing some serious work on ourselves.  You need to do the same, or else watch life pass you by and continue to become more bitter and entitled, which will further alienate you from what you want.  Your choice.

Ok hands up please who in this thread has never dated anyone, never had mutual attraction and never had sex. Shall I get out my magnifying glass to see those hands?

I do not feel the need to live a life I don't want to lead because just maybe someone I like will like me. People are quick to say change this change that but I have and saw no improvement.

I am ok being bitter because life has passed me by. The dating choices I have have pretty much confirmed that. 

Never have I bothered to conform and I won't be starting now. Any chance I had with dating was destroyed with choices I made 20 years ago.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why are you dictating to other people what they should find important? 
 

You need to be looking for people that share your values, but you’re not attracted to them. For example it makes sense that women that don’t place a premium on looks, wouldn’t put as much effort into their own looks either. But you’re not interested in those women. 
 

The qualities you say you have are the qualities that woman looking to settle down, get married and have a family would be looking for. But you’re not interested in that kind of relationship. 
 

You’re attracted to the kinds of women that place a premium on looks, charm and fun. 
 

Like attracts like.

If like attracts like why am I attracting hugely overweight people? 

Let's not kid ourselves here every single lady wants a hot guy, they'd take the hot guy irrespective of his personality. I'll get shot down for this but I have lost out often enough to categorically say this is true most of the time.

 

[Weezy1973]

25 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Trust me you would not go out with one of them. 

I don’t doubt it, but what you said is there is a lack of interest in you. What you mean is the women you’re interested in aren’t interested in you. Being accurate with what you say is important.

[Cookiesandough]

32 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok hands up please who in this thread has never dated anyone, never had mutual attraction and never had sex. Shall I get out my magnifying glass to see those hands?

I do not feel the need to live a life I don't want to lead because just maybe someone I like will like me. People are quick to say change this change that but I have and saw no improvement.

I am ok being bitter because life has passed me by. The dating choices I have have pretty much confirmed that. 

Never have I bothered to conform and I won't be starting now. Any chance I had with dating was destroyed with choices I made 20 years ago.

Authenticity and staying true to oneself is nice and all, and the virtue of those principles can be argued for, but it’s not going to necessarily get you dates/mutual attraction/sex.  There is a reality about people what people want.  I’m not saying that some people don’t start out at an easier place, but you can do better with some work. There  is a reason why people do not just roll out of bed and go on a date. They get dressed up and they put on their best ‘act’. It’s because it works better.  ’What changes have you made exactly? Because I have been following your threads for several years and I feel like it would be really hard for you to have made changes that would be impactful as they all tend to follow the same pattern...  in fact, I wrote in another thread where  I (and other women) told you that a pic you were using was not a flattering one for a dating app and you completely dismissed it 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

37 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

If like attracts like why am I attracting hugely overweight people? 

 

It means people end up in relationships with people that are similar to themselves. For obvious reasons - clearly people connect over similarities. There is an element of aspirational dating that plays out in online dating, and what you’re seeing is women that are “shooting out of their league” in matching with you, just as the women you’re interested in are out of your league. Same phenomenon. 
 

Which brings us back to like attracts like. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

True.  You're missing that many people here who are wasting their time trying to help you HAVE been on the same road as you have.  You aren't listening to that, because you're only here to vent, argue and confirm your own biases and self pity over and over.  

Anyone who doesn't like their life needs to change it, or stay stuck.  I'm old.  I can tell you from years of experience that "changing our life" boils down to doing some serious work on ourselves.  You need to do the same, or else watch life pass you by and continue to become more bitter and entitled, which will further alienate you from what you want.  Your choice.

I think you're right. Sometimes I feel like, in the name of helping people in these kinds of discussions, we're simply enabling them. At the end of the day, I think ZADater would be better served by someone like a mental health professional who could spend time with him, actually get to know him (something we can't do), assess him, and help him figure out what's going on in his interactions with people.

The suggestion has been made before, but maybe there's stigma attached to doing this in his context or maybe he has had negative experiences in the past. Or maybe he thinks the folks making the suggestion are judging him. I don't know. But personally, I have benefitted from the limited contact I've had with the mental health field. It's helped me understand myself better, understand others better, and navigate through relationships better. So it's something I would advice most people who were struggling to try if they could afford to and it was accessible. And if it was inaccessible or beyond their financial ability, I'd encourage them to learn about mental health topics that seemed related to what they were going through. There are plenty of amazing resources online and offline.

Edited December 12, 2020 by Acacia98

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok hands up please who in this thread has never dated anyone, never had mutual attraction and never had sex. Shall I get out my magnifying glass to see those hands?

I do not feel the need to live a life I don't want to lead because just maybe someone I like will like me. People are quick to say change this change that but I have and saw no improvement.

I am ok being bitter because life has passed me by. The dating choices I have have pretty much confirmed that. 

Never have I bothered to conform and I won't be starting now. Any chance I had with dating was destroyed with choices I made 20 years ago.

I could have predicted you'd say exactly these words.  You are profoundly predictable.  

Those of us who have chosen to work on ourselves haven't been convinced that we were perfect, that's why we did it.  

You're in a pickle, that's for sure. 

One more point to a comment of yours in another post here (and endlessly recurring theme in your myriad of threads):  You disparage fat women.  You are exactly the same as a fat woman in that you both have qualities that render you unappealing to many people you'd like to date.  If the fat woman wants to date men who are attracted to fat women, that's the pool she gets to choose from. If she doesn't like any of those men, her options are to lose weight or be single.

Just like you, except different obstacle.  

[basil67]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

If like attracts like why am I attracting hugely overweight people? 

One word: Algorithms.   The algorithms basically pitch people who they judge to be in your league. The criteria for judging leagues is how much attention you attract online.

If you want to see other options to date, you need to change both your presentation and blurb to attract more interest.   To beat the algorithms, you need to work them.

 

[Cookiesandough]

I do not agree they are alike. I know very few bigger women that are virgins and can’t get a date. Actually, plenty of my bigger friends don’t have an issue with dating even with a lot of options taken away. So I wouldn’t consider you in the same ‘league’, insofar as that exists. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes