Really unhappy in my 4 year relationship lately. Not sure if it's mostly me being nit-picky, or if these are reasonable things to be upset about.

[PlanetEuphoria]

BF (age 24) and I (age 27) have been together for 4 years, we have been living a 1.5 hour drive away from each other for the past 2 years.  Prior to that we lived only 20 minutes apart, but we both decided it would be a good idea for me to move in with my parents for a while to save more money. I accepted a higher paying job near my hometown and moved back with the parents in January of 2019 and have since been able to save a decent chunk of money for a down payment on a house. BF has always lived at home with his parents and two younger siblings. He has a bachelors degree, and is currently finishing up a masters degree. He is unemployed, but did get a big settlement from a car accident so he also has enough money for a down payment. We talk about wanting to buy a house together in the near future, but he obviously needs a stable income before that can happen. BF has struggled with finding a job after graduating with his bachelors as he has no related work experience in his field. He does apply to jobs here and there, but not frequently. He is currently taking 5 online classes with a lot of school work, so I try to be understanding on the job front.

We generally see each other every weekend, but over the past few months have only been able to see each other 5 days total mostly due to the pandemic. My parents are in their 60s and high risk, so I need to be very careful about keeping them safe especially with cases rising dramatically. My BF's family unfortunately does not practice social distancing. They do wear masks when out in public, but continue to engage in high risk activities. They gather with other households frequently, attend church, and have traveled several times over the past few months. They traveled to the Midwest for a large (maskless) wedding over a month ago, and soon after spent several weeks in a European country that doesn't take the virus seriously at all. They returned home from this country last weekend, and my BF's mom found out on Monday that she is positive for Covid. BF's dad has cold symptoms and also likely has the virus, but did not get tested. They are obviously supposed to be self isolating for 2 weeks but BF informed me that his parents just left on Tuesday for a work trip to another state for a few weeks. As you can imagine, they will be potentially exposing other people to covid on this trip. I was really upset to hear this. I've always known his parents to be a little irresponsible, but this is next level.

On top of my respect for his parents depleting, their behavior is more or less preventing my BF and I from being able to see each other. I refused to see BF after his parents returned from the previous trips until they either tested negative or 14 days had passed. And now my BF and his brothers have been exposed to covid, so I am unable to see him until the second week of December at the earliest. Of course this isn't BF's fault and frustratingly we cannot control his parent's behavior, but this lack of quality time is having me feeling increasingly unhappy and distant. If I'm being honest, I've been growing more and more unhappy with the distance even prior to the pandemic. There's several things in our relationship that I am unhappy with that I don't see ever changing until we get our own place together. And here's where I'm unsure if these are normal things to be unhappy with, or if I'm being too uptight and nit-picky. I'm just going to write it out in a list format to make it easier to read.

1. BF's sleep schedule  - My BF's sleep schedule has always been really poor and it's been something that has bothered me for years. I've dealt with it, but lately it's worse than ever. On the really bad days he doesn't go to bed until 7 or 8am, and then sleeps until 5/6pm. Most days he's up around 3pm. Sometimes he stays up that late playing video games, sometimes its doing homework. But it feels like we are living life on 2 totally different schedules and it makes me feel so disconnected. He has expressed a desire to fix his sleep schedule several times and always "works on it" for a few days until it goes to s*** again. I'm kind of tired of the empty promises with working on it. I honestly don't see his schedule ever changing until he moves out of his parents. There is no structure at all in his home, and his entire family often stays up until 4am cooking food, watching movies, etc. Even his 14 year old brother is on this messed up sleep schedule, and BF's parents do nothing to actually parent and instill some structure in the household
2. BF's eating habits and weight gain - My BF used to be very fit and active, going to the gym and eating healthy most days. Throughout our relationship he has gained about 50lbs, and honestly doesn't even look like the same guy anymore. He stopping working out, but mostly I think the weight gain is due to his incredibly unhealthy eating habits. He eats fast food pretty much every single day. He never cooks for himself at home like he used to. In his defense the kitchen at his house is always filthy. His mom doesn't cook every day, but when she does she leaves food sitting in pots and pans on the stove for days. The sink is always filled with dirty dishes that seldom get cleaned. And the fridge is jam packed with food (some old and rotting) and no space to put anything of his own. I think rather than tackling the mess every time he is hungry, it's just easier for him to drive to McDonalds for a meal. More than I am unhappy with the change in his body, I am unhappy and concerned with the lack of regard for his health. But again, I don't see this changing until he moves out of this unstructured environment.

 

So here we are: in a situation where I don't see anything I am unhappy with changing until he moves out, but at the same time I don't see any him having the ability to move out unless these things start to change. With each passing week of the same old, I find myself struggling more and more to be patient. Yet, I know I need to remain patient as BF is still in school and (fingers crossed) working toward a better situation. I guess I just don't know how much to attribute these problems to a situation outside of my BF's control, or if I should be more vocal and strict about his ability to improve these things. I try to put my feelings aside but they get the better of me more and more frequently, and my BF definitely knows I'm pretty unhappy lately. I feel really stuck, because I love this guy with all of my heart and have invested 4 years into our relationship but I feel like I've been sacrificing my happiness for a while now.  I could use some advice on how to handle things and how to cope.

 

[basil67]

I don’t see the issues going away even if he did move out.   There is nothing stopping him from eating well, there is nothing stopping him from having good sleeping habits and there is nothing stopping him from doing some cleaning of the house.   I honestly think that he’d continue in exactly the same way with you.

And looking for jobs sporadically is not good enough.   

You could do so much better. 

[salparadise]

11 hours ago, PlanetEuphoria said:

...or if I should be more vocal and strict about his ability to improve these things. I try to put my feelings aside but they get the better of me more and more frequently, and my BF definitely knows I'm pretty unhappy lately. I feel really stuck, because I love this guy with all of my heart and have invested 4 years into our relationship but I feel like I've been sacrificing my happiness for a while now.  I could use some advice on how to handle things and how to cope.

Strict? I think you're headed for a mother/child relationship with your man-child, if it's not already. I think you should not expect this guy to become the opposite of who he is, and I don't think you can order change like parent, employer, or drill sergeant. There's a good chance that he will be just like his parents –– there is both genetic predisposition and the behavioral patterning. The only time people change is when they are self-motivated, and even then it's going to be incremental. You need to realize that in a very conscious, concrete way. You CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE and make them who you wish they would be. You either accept who they are or let them go.

Invested 4 years... you need to google the term "sunk-cost fallacy." In investing this term is used where a person tends to continue pouring money into a losing asset because they're familiar with it, perhaps it performed once upon a time, or otherwise feel some type of loyalty. It's also referred to as "Escalation of commitment." Romance scammers use this inherent human tendency to their advantage by working a target until they gain some traction, then asking for a small amount of money. Once that happens they know they have an ATM on their hands and they sometimes fleece them for hundreds of thousands.

You need to assess this situation objectively, from where you stand right this minute, and then decide if it's what you want your future to be. I usually default to saving relationships, but in this case I'm not sure why you would want to (other than established attachment). Or perhaps the sex is out of this world? With both of you living with your parents, where do you go for privacy? 

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by salparadise

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you can't control his family, his fitness/eating habits, his inertia/lack of employment,etc.

Do not plan on buying a house together. Why don't you worry about your finances and employment first and foremost.

If and when you save whatever money, rent yourself a nice apt. Alone. for a while.

Don't expect a guy in a different life stage who never lived on his own to be a responsible co-owner of a house.

He is just coasting along at home as a manbaby and his settlement is not yours to manage.

Instead of hoping he and his entire family, ambition, maturity,etc changes, reflect and reconsider if this is the right man/relationship for you.

 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like living with his parents is really bad and unhealthy for him.  His sleep schedule will probably never change until he's forced to change it once he gets a job.  As long as he's unemployed he really has nothing pushing him to wake up at a normal time.  Maybe once he's out of that disgusting house, his eating habits will improve.  

You should NOT buy a house with him.  That would be a really bad idea.  You've never lived with this person before and you have no idea whether you are compatible living with him.  If this relationship even lasts at all, just move into a rental apartment together to see if you are compatible living together.  If after a year you are happy with him and have no problems living together, then maybe buy a house together.