lostandconfused21 Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 I have posted a while ago..I have a 2 year relationship with a MM who I work closely with. It is very intense, physically and emotionally. We have many times tried to end it, not as much recently but it never works for either of us to end it. It’s been a difficult year as we have had less time together because of covid..we had to work from home for a time, and several planned trips we had for work together have been cancelled. But we have been in a good place and had quite a bit more time together lately. There has been a ton of communication lately and have been some very serious conversations about being together and leaving his wife. I don’t think it is imminent but we are in a place that I believe it may happen at some point. In fact I can’t imagine it not happening knowing how we are. the issue coming up..is that he is having surgery in the coming week and will be out of the office for 6 weeks. I can’t imagine a scenario we will be able to see each other during this time. I know we will be in contact I’m not worried about that...it is just such a strange feeling to be so close with someone and have no way to know he is okay the day of surgery..to do anything for him....etc. this falling during the holidays is tearing me up as well. The holidays are a bad time for me already. Is this going to be a make or break for us? Will it make him miss me more and work in my favor as he and his wife have not been getting along great over covid? This is just a real life situation that makes me feel like I am nothing 😔which conflicts with the fact we are in constant communication and love each other. I’m so very sad and just wish I could fast forward this 6 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Of course his wife is the one to see him through his surgery and recovery. She’s his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 6 hours ago, lostandconfused21 said: There has been a ton of communication lately and have been some very serious conversations about being together and leaving his wife. I don’t think it is imminent but we are in a place that I believe it may happen at some point. In fact I can’t imagine it not happening knowing how we are. Is this going to be a make or break for us? Will it make him miss me more and work in my favor as he and his wife have not been getting along great over covid? This is just a real life situation that makes me feel like I am nothing 😔which conflicts with the fact we are in constant communication and love each other. It seems to me these two paragraphs are at odds with each other. The two of you are so in love you believe you're going to be together and yet a six weeks absence from one another may break you up? One reason he and his wife are not getting along is because he's having an affair. That would impact negatively most relationships I'd think. Ever considered that this might be a convenient time to begin to leave this affair in the rear view mirror? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Will his wife have access to his phone while he is in surgery? Someone's got to hold on to it for him. She's his next of kin. Surely she knows nothing about this imminent divorce plan where he leaves her for you any day now. If you want to know how he's doing after surgery, you may have to talk to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostandconfused21 Posted November 28, 2020 Author Share Posted November 28, 2020 I guess I was hoping someone who had been in a similar situation or had been unable to see the other person for a long time for whatever reason would let me know how they made out or what happened for them. Trust me, the reality of my situation and that if you remove work from our lives that we can’t see each other at all is tough enough. I’m aware I have no real place in his life and didn’t need comments back to that effect. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Well, I did a bit of long distance early on in a relationship (but it wasn't an affair). I think that did contribute to us breaking up eventually. Its hard to build a connection if you can't see each other frequently early in a relationship. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Sometimes a medical issue can make a person take stock of their life. Is it possible for you to use the time when you can't be in contact with him ( at least in person) to evaluate all of this and see if it's what you really want? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostandconfused21 Posted November 29, 2020 Author Share Posted November 29, 2020 4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said: Sometimes a medical issue can make a person take stock of their life. Is it possible for you to use the time when you can't be in contact with him ( at least in person) to evaluate all of this and see if it's what you really want? Yes I have thought about this...I wondered is this a time that we should take apart since we will not see each other and decide how we are going forward? I tried about a month ago to suggest such a time but he got extremely upset and it just dropped. Plus I didn’t know if it was fair to suggest that when things are already stressful for him with the surgery. Guess I’ll just have to see how the first week or so goes. Thank you for your response.... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, lostandconfused21 said: decide how we are going forward? I tried about a month ago to suggest such a time but he got extremely upset and it just dropped. This will bring him and his family closer, so unfortunately there is no "we are going forward". However, do take this time to decide what you want in your life. Edited November 29, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nats_16 Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 Sorry you have got yourself caught up in this mess to. What will happen is you will not like the fact that he is being nursed by his wife but you will allow it and watch from the side lines and accept the rubbish he tells you in his text messages, all the while you know he is a proven liar. In an affair the OW lowers her standards and expectations until there are none, he can literally do what he likes and the OW accepts it because “she loves him”, “ one day it won’t be like this”. I am not judging as I am in this situation myself but if I can encourage at least one person to run as fast as they can away from these men as they are a road to pain and hurt and chaos of your entire life. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 On 11/28/2020 at 1:58 AM, lostandconfused21 said: This is just a real life situation that makes me feel like I am nothing I would take this time to figure out why you set yourself up for this (by having an affair with a married man, I mean) Sooner or later, something like this was going to happen - something that would drive home the fact that this isn't a relationship and you are very much on the sidelines of his life. For whatever sweet words he uses with you, he has still opted to remain married. Now would be the ideal opportunity to reflect on the reasons you chose this. As for what happens in the next 6 weeks, it's more likely that he and his wife will grow closer as she helps care for him. Health issues have a way of underlining the importance of keeping family or other loved ones close. His wife is the closest person to him, regardless of what he's telling you about the state of their marriage. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) Taking it further, let’s imagine that you are the person in crisis - you’ve lost your job due to covid, or you have a health crisis yourself. He can’t be there for you. He can’t come to your bedside and bring you home to care for you, because his home is not your home. He may offer support, but then he has to go home to his wife and family... and you are left to deal with your crisis, alone - feeling bereft because maybe he was there for a while, but he had to leave. Consider this option, how would that make you feel? How much are you willing to give up, for whatever this man is able to offer you in return? In my book, nobody is this wonderful. I would not be willing to give up my own happiness, the feeling of security and comfort that comes from a loving and committed relationship with a man, and as you have found this week, my own peace of mind... If I have to give up all of this to be with a man, that’s not love. It’s certainly not self love. Take care of yourself. I wish you well. Edited November 29, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 ^^ I would imagine that's simply what truly single people deal with every day. There's no way to know how this will play out. That said, from everything I read around here, MM's actually leaving their marriages is rare. DOES happen, but rare. For cases where they are unhappy in their marriage, the affair is (ironically) a bit of a band-aid that actually makes it more bearable for them to stay put. If you really want him, you might be wise to start asking for firm timelines, actions, etc, once he has recovered. I would think the tone should be that YOUR commitment is firm, but you want to see the same from him. A step-by-step plan etc (untangling married lives is often not easy). Of course this means that you are actively supporting the dissolution of their marriage. (Then again, he has been too in a way, due to the risks he's taking.) Also you are hoping/trusting he will be a good partner for YOU once out. As you can see, that's kind of a lot of "if's". However, you are an adult and can make your own decisions. Practical matters often supersede sentiment in human doings. However, if two people both really want to be together, they tend to find a way to make that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: I would imagine that's simply what truly single people deal with every day. How many single people know that the man they love is having family dinners with his children and sleeping with his wife? It seems to me to be a different kind of hell, to know that you go home every night to a quiet home while he goes home to enjoy the comfort of his family, to the arms of his wife. In your hour of need, you can’t turn to him because he doesn’t want to make his wife suspicious, and he has other plans with his family... Edited November 30, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Camper Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 45 minutes ago, BaileyB said: How many single people know that the man they love is having family dinners with his children and sleeping with his wife? It seems to me to be a different kind of hell, to know that you go home every night to a quiet home while he goes home to enjoy the comfort of his family, to the arms of his wife. In your hour of need, you can’t turn to him because he doesn’t want to make his wife suspicious, and he has other plans with his family... Which is precisely why the OP here should conjure up what shreds of integrity she has left, end the affair with the MM, and get on with a better life. A life where she can find a man who is actually available and willing to commit to her totally. A life where two people take care of one another through sickness, in health, better, worse, all that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 11 hours ago, Camper said: A life where she can find a man who is actually available and willing to commit to her totally. A life where two people take care of one another through sickness, in health, better, worse, all that stuff. But that is exactly the hope here. The OP has set her sights on this guy leaving his wife and setting up a monogamous arrangement with her instead. He leaves his wife behind and he sails off into the sunset with the OP. On 11/28/2020 at 12:58 AM, lostandconfused21 said: There has been a ton of communication lately and have been some very serious conversations about being together and leaving his wife. I don’t think it is imminent but we are in a place that I believe it may happen at some point. In fact I can’t imagine it not happening knowing how we are. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocolemon Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 He can’t be monogamous with you because he is not being monogamous with you now. He is physical with BOTH of you. Most married men cheat and stay put until the wife finds out and kicks them out, which means if he comes to you, is only going to be because she found out and left. Do not waste your time on a man that’s not putting you first. Also, no matter how bad he says the marriage is... at the end of the day HE is the one confiding his marriage problems to other women and having sex behind his wife’s back, not only does he have the audacity to betray her physically by cheating but he talks crap about her too. Do you want him doing this to you behind your back one day ? I know you love him, and you know what ? He loves him too. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 14 hours ago, BaileyB said: How many single people know that the [person] they love is having family dinners with [their] children and sleeping with [their partner]? Fair enough. I imagine there is a certain percentage that are due to unrequited love, break ups, etc. But yes, that's different than being "happily single" or similar. My point was that true single people need an alternative other than a spouse for the things you originally mention like job losses and illness and clearly many of them make that work in one way or another, since they have little choice in the matter. Of course when you'd rather be with a partner than single, having to set all that up probably doesn't feel ideal. Link to post Share on other sites
Camper Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: But that is exactly the hope here. The OP has set her sights on this guy leaving his wife and setting up a monogamous arrangement with her instead. He leaves his wife behind and he sails off into the sunset with the OP. IMVHO, the OP is living in fantasyland. The vast majority of MMs in affairs end up back with their wives. The few that end up in a "committed relationship" with their APs, that relationship eventually ends when the newness of the affair and the limerence wears off. Of course, that does not stop many APs to continue pursuing a MM long after he has stopped showing interest. She might think she is special but most likely, she is not. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 (edited) Sometimes a major health crisis will bring a couple back together and strengthen the bond. Find yourself a guy who isn't married, who you can take care of and who can take care of you when a crisis occurs rather than you being an outsider playing the "I hope he picks me" game. Edited November 30, 2020 by trident_2020 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 (edited) This may be your blessing in disguise to finally exit this situation. View it as a new beginning for you. One where you have a one-on-one relationship based on mutual respect, truth and trust. Sneaking around gets tiring and depletes your heart and soul. Edited December 1, 2020 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 op, If your situation with this guy was "ideal", what do you think it would look like? Would it be you and him being together, maybe even getting married someday? If so, you have some tough questions to ask yourself. The first is, why did he cheat in the first place? Did he ever blame his wife, say it was her all her fault? if so, that doesn't bode well. The second one, and this is one that's going to be really tough, is if you feel you can trust him. I've been on the other side as a BS, and had to ask the same question. It was really difficult to do that, as it meant pushing aside what I wanted things to be like and accept the reality. That was hard, but it was very freeing to do it. I hope you'll find it the same. If you don't mind a suggestion...if you and he do wind up together, I would recommend you get some couple's counselling. Give yourselves the best chance you can. Also, be kind to his BS. You have no idea what he may have put her through. It's not your fault, but he's really doing her wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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