Anxiety caused my relationship to end - Here are my thoughts.

[Joebloggs91]

I have used these forums in years gone by when I have struggled with a relationship. I have always found they have helped and reading back on past posts I find helps too.

I have just come out of a 3 month relationship, not long I hear you thinking and I agree, however, I need to find the route cause of why it ended and this is (hopefully) where you come in!

I have recently started taking setraline for anxiety. If you had met me prior to me meeting this girl you would be greeted with a confident, outgoing, good looking guy but as soon as I meet someone I like I am burdened with an overriding sense of anxiety which causes the girl to run a mile and me becoming a complete social recluse. It really isn't an attractive look being an insecure guy but I can't figure out why I am like I am.

I'm 29 and haven't ever really had a long term relationship (18 months is the longest in my early 20's) I guess I have this fear that I will never meet someone and settle down. This ramps up my anxiety! I have had plenty of starts with relationships. Plenty of times where I have thought 'this feels different to the last one' but either I have bolted after 6 months or the girl can't deal with my insecurity and disappears as a result.

I am a police officer so I have a good job which I am very proud of. I see some pretty bad stuff day to day but that doesn't phase me. It doesn't effect me mentally but meeting a girl does.

I attract attention because of my personality but once I get to know that person my anxiety creeps in and the relationship goes sour as a result.

Has anyone had a similar sort of experience? I know I need to calm down at the start of a relationship and take it slow however I have no confidence in my ability to hold down a relationship when I am in one!

Thanks in advance for any advice 

[schlumpy]

I don't know Joe. You have a high stress job where you have to take guff from people and get to see the underbelly of society on a daily basis. Your lack of faith in your love interests could stem from that.

You may have unresolved issues from your upbringing, I know I do. My mother was an alcoholic and that was not a positive contribution to my developing personality.

It's just really hard to say so your best bet is to talk with a trained counselor. I know that the police have counselors for officers. Try asking for a referral.

You could also turn yourself in for a good going over by the doctor and find out what he thinks about your situation.

If you want this resolved you have to start somewhere.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, it's great you are trying different meds to address the anxiety/depression.

However have you thought about supportive talk therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a good way to unpack and sort some of this out.

It focuses on cognitive distortions (fixed ways of thinking) and self-defeating behaviors (undermining your goals, for example), hence the name Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Joebloggs91 said:

Plenty of times where I have thought 'this feels different to the last one' but either I have bolted after 6 months or the girl can't deal with my insecurity and disappears as a result.

How does your insecurity come out, exactly? What changes in your behaviour?

[Joebloggs91]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

I don't know Joe. You have a high stress job where you have to take guff from people and get to see the underbelly of society on a daily basis. Your lack of faith in your love interests could stem from that.

You may have unresolved issues from your upbringing, I know I do. My mother was an alcoholic and that was not a positive contribution to my developing personality.

It's just really hard to say so your best bet is to talk with a trained counsellor. I know that the police have counsellors for officers. Try asking for a referral.

You could also turn yourself in for a good going over by the doctor and find out what he thinks about your situation.

If you want this resolved you have to start somewhere.

I have ruled out the job as the issue as I only started that this year. My previous job was intense and I was burnt out. I blamed my failed relationships on that so evidently work isn't the issue here. 

Also, my childhood was great. I have two loving and supportive parents and two sisters that I get on well with. If anything my parents have perhaps been too supportive when I have been growing up, maybe that is an issue? maybe I look for the same sort of support in a relationship that I have had in my childhood?

I just have this overwhelming sense of needing reassurance all the time and it isn't healthy nor sustainable. 

I am going to go down the route of some counselling to see if I can get to the bottom of this

 

 

[Joebloggs91]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, it's great you are trying different meds to address the anxiety/depression.

However have you thought about supportive talk therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a good way to unpack and sort some of this out.

It focuses on cognitive distortions (fixed ways of thinking) and self-defeating behaviors (undermining your goals, for example), hence the name Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 

Hey! thank you for the reply. 

Yes I am going to try talking therapy as a few have mentioned it to me. 

I'm keen to see how it works and changes my behaviours. Hopefully it is the key to some happiness! 

[Joebloggs91]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How does your insecurity come out, exactly? What changes in your behaviour?

Thank you for your reply! 

So, at the start it is loads of talking. Non stop messaging etc. Dates are great, loads to talk about, loads in common.

Then, she will go quiet in replying to my messages for a few days, I highlight it and all is good. Then same will happen say a week later and I will do the same. This pushes them away - It's almost as if I need her to tell me daily that I am great (which she did at the start)

When I reflect on how I have dealt with it, I know that seeking reassurance is wrong. I know asking her for that clarity often is wrong but at the time I can't seem to not do it. 

The relationship is basically a bi-product of a larger insecurity that I have. I know I will get over her but I am fearful that I will keep having these problems.

[boymommy]

On 11/29/2020 at 6:51 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

 

Also, my childhood was great. I have two loving and supportive parents and two sisters that I get on well with. If anything my parents have perhaps been too supportive when I have been growing up, maybe that is an issue? maybe I look for the same sort of support in a relationship that I have had in my childhood?

I just have this overwhelming sense of needing reassurance all the time and it isn't healthy nor sustainable. 

I am going to go down the route of some counselling to see if I can get to the bottom of this

 

 

YES!!!! Ding ding ding!!!!! You got it. I have the exact same issue! I also have super accommodating and supportive parents who would literally do ANYTHING for me. They would move heaven and Earth for me! Unfortunately most men (or at least the men I seem to be attracted to..)can't live up to the impossible bar that my parents set for me! And since my distress tolerance is low and my relationship anxiety is high, I tend to (unfortunately) attract my opposite into a relationship..avoidant people. This is a bad combo because they HATE providing reassurance. Not only do they hate it, they distance themselves from me and think I'm trying to trap them! 

I don't think there is anything wrong with needing reassurance in relationship..most people do. What I (and perhaps you?) may be seeing is that you are barking up the wrong tree in the people that you are trying to get reassurance from. Super independent people who basically feel like they are being put upon and the mere act of you asking reassurance triggers THEIR fears of enmeshment and entrapment. They think asking for reassurance is a bad thing! The more rejected you feel by your partner, the more your anxiety ramps up and you need more and more reassurance..the more they distance. The cycle repeats. 

Yes, I would recommend counseling in addition to meds. I have learned a lot! I am also on meds which helps! I am trying to become a more secure person but also try to break my cycle of being attracted to avoidant partners. Hopefully as I become more secure I will start attracting more secure people too! 

Edited December 1, 2020 by boymommy

[boymommy]

On 11/29/2020 at 6:55 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

Thank you for your reply! 

So, at the start it is loads of talking. Non stop messaging etc. Dates are great, loads to talk about, loads in common.

Then, she will go quiet in replying to my messages for a few days, I highlight it and all is good. Then same will happen say a week later and I will do the same. This pushes them away - It's almost as if I need her to tell me daily that I am great (which she did at the start)

When I reflect on how I have dealt with it, I know that seeking reassurance is wrong. I know asking her for that clarity often is wrong but at the time I can't seem to not do it. 

The relationship is basically a bi-product of a larger insecurity that I have. I know I will get over her but I am fearful that I will keep having these problems.

Yeah you are definately dating avoidant people! This is what happens to me too! The beginning is great! Talk all the time, hrs on the phone, loads of talking. Then the guy starts giving less over time. Calls stop coming in or get sporadic. Longer to respond to my texts. Won't talk about anything serious. If I try to say anything to them, they think I am overreacting and or make excuses for their behavior (like work stress) which makes me think it's all in my head. I fixate on the beginning of the relationship and how they "used to act" and where did that wonderful person go? They are gone now. I miss getting the lovey dovey treatment from guys and can't understand why it dropped off. 

What I have figured out is that avoidantly attached people are famous for non-stop behavior, great dates, lovey dovey stuff..honeymoon period is very intense. But the average secure person moves slower is more cautious because they don't really don't you and are looking to see if you are a good match. The avoidant is blinded by passion and excitement and insecurity and thats what is fueling their behavior. Once that is gone they start avoiding you like the plague! The secure person won't enter the relationship "over the top" but they will be more consistent over time too. Their behavior won't drop off and will be able to provide you will consistent messages of reassurance. It won't be intermittent. 

[trident_2020]

On 11/29/2020 at 6:55 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

Then, she will go quiet in replying to my messages for a few days, I highlight it and all is good. Then same will happen say a week later and I will do the same. This pushes them away

What do you mean you "highlight it and all is good"?

[basil67]

 

On 11/29/2020 at 10:51 PM, Joebloggs91 said:

Also, my childhood was great. I have two loving and supportive parents and two sisters that I get on well with. If anything my parents have perhaps been too supportive when I have been growing up, maybe that is an issue? maybe I look for the same sort of support in a relationship that I have had in my childhood?

I just have this overwhelming sense of needing reassurance all the time and it isn't healthy nor sustainable. 

100% this is a contributor to your current situation.  

Some parents 'over parent'.   Too helpful, too involved, too much smoothing out of life's bumps.   Sure, all kids need basic direction and support, but parents who are overly supportive leave their children with a lack of resilience - because those kids never learned to cope with life's bumps and sort out stuff on their own.   

If you're going to look at getting help, start by learning about building resilience.

[Ellener]

On 11/29/2020 at 3:26 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

I have recently started taking setraline for anxiety.

Is it helping?

On 11/29/2020 at 5:51 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

I am going to go down the route of some counselling to see if I can get to the bottom of this

Good luck with this.

I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder now, and after years of stressful work and big life changes I've had to really focus on managing anxiety first and foremost. Unless I'm well I can't cope with much! So good diet, sleep, exercise etc. And for me no more stressful jobs.

For what it's worth I do think a lot of people behave rather unkindly in dating relationships, if you are use to being treated with love and respect I imagine a lot of people won't measure up to high standards! People complain about it here all the time.

[Joebloggs91]

9 hours ago, boymommy said:

YES!!!! Ding ding ding!!!!! You got it. I have the exact same issue! I also have super accommodating and supportive parents who would literally do ANYTHING for me. They would move heaven and Earth for me! Unfortunately most men (or at least the men I seem to be attracted to..)can't live up to the impossible bar that my parents set for me! And since my distress tolerance is low and my relationship anxiety is high, I tend to (unfortunately) attract my opposite into a relationship..avoidant people. This is a bad combo because they HATE providing reassurance. Not only do they hate it, they distance themselves from me and think I'm trying to trap them! 

I don't think there is anything wrong with needing reassurance in relationship..most people do. What I (and perhaps you?) may be seeing is that you are barking up the wrong tree in the people that you are trying to get reassurance from. Super independent people who basically feel like they are being put upon and the mere act of you asking reassurance triggers THEIR fears of enmeshment and entrapment. They think asking for reassurance is a bad thing! The more rejected you feel by your partner, the more your anxiety ramps up and you need more and more reassurance..the more they distance. The cycle repeats. 

Yes, I would recommend counseling in addition to meds. I have learned a lot! I am also on meds which helps! I am trying to become a more secure person but also try to break my cycle of being attracted to avoidant partners. Hopefully as I become more secure I will start attracting more secure people too! 

Thank you for this! made me feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone on this!

One question I have for you though is do you think there is a way to change my thinking? Have you toned down your reassurance searching with the meds and counselling? 

I really like this girl and we said we would see where we are at after the UK restrictions are lifted (currently we can't socialise other than outside!) so there is still a chance that we could rekindle. I don't want to change for her but I want to change for myself and not miss an opportunity of a potential future with someone because of my insecurity