En enotional rollee coaster of a year

[Zoko]

Hi there,

I'll try to sum up my situation:

I (mid 30s, male) was in a relationship with someone (also male) for almost 7 years and during that time he cheated on me multiple times. I loved him too much and forgave him everytime as I felt he was almost a part of me and I couldn't bare the thought of breaking up. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

He ended up meeting someone abroad earlier this year and ended up marrying him, we of course broke up. I was completelly devastated but after some begging and pleading he became really mean and I went no contact.

I would say that after 2-3 months I was ok and by the 4th month quite over it. I guess that because it ended so bad I was able to move on 'fairly quickly'..

Since then I met a few guys and had crushes on two but it ended there.

Then I met someone and it went magical at first. He did say quite early on that he was not sure if he's capable of being in a monogomous relationship but seemed quite taken by me.

The first month was great, we quickly fell in love for each other and said I love you.

I completely let my guard down and was ready to take the chance again (I guess the memory of the pain of the last breakup faded by then).

Then the problems began on the second month. The sex was reduced drastically and he would make up excuses.

Here and there he said that our sex is not the greatest but I told him that that is something we can work on, it can become better overtime - given that we actually have sex.

He suggested we try opening up the relationship and see if that helps.

I was reluctant at first but said ok, under the condition that only if it improves our sex life and not the other way around. At the time I was not really against to the idea of an open relationship and I was willing to give it a go.

Another month has passed and we barely had sex, though we spent so much time together and he was really affectionate.

On the third month I began to get anxious as I know that sex is really important in a relationship in general and I needed that as well. I told him that we have to talk and we had a serious conversation about it.

He said he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me and that we'll work on it.

Two more months have passed in which he said that his libido is really low and that he didn't have sex at all, also not with other people. 

Then came a time in which we had sex and I was a bit relieved.. though constantly thinking that a relationship shouldn't be like that.. I shouldn't beg for sex, so I wasn't satisfied with how things were.

A week later we were supposed to have sex but at the last minute he said he wasn't horny enough. I talked to him about it trying to see how we could resolve this. But then he said that the day after we slept together (a week before) he slept with someone else.

Remember that at the time I was ok with this open relationship idea but I was deeply offended - because he had been saying that his libido is too low but appearently that wasn't so true. He knew how much I wanted to have sex with him and even though he was horny he prefered someond else. He said he wants me to sleep with other people so he won't feel 'pressured'.

At that moment I felt that this is bad, really bad.

I was totally in love with him and didn't want to lose him but the facts kept piling up and I was really frustrated.

The day after I sat on the beach contemplating on what to do. I remembered my previous relationship in which I felt like a doormat and didn't have the courage of walking out. I didn't want to be that person again.

I was sad, frustrated and feared of the pain that is going to come my way.

A few days later when he came over I told him we have to talk.

I laid out everything on the table and told him how frustrated I am.

He replied that he has also given it some thought and that he doesn't think we're compatible in bed.

I asked him if he wants to break up, he said I don't know.

I asked him if he wants to work on things, really work on them, he said he doesn't think it would work.

At that moment I (crying) said "ok I understand, I'm going to a friend.. you can pack up your stuff and leave the key".

He texted me later that it was really difficult for him to leave the house. I replied that this situation is difficult for me aswell.

The next morning I couldn't help myself and went to his place, to see if the relationship could be salvaged.

He was happy to see me, we hugged and cuddled but he said he's sure he doesn't want to give it a try.

I entered no contact mode. Blocked him on every platform possible.

It has been 3 weeks since then and while I remember that on the last month I was really frustrated and miserable, I long for him still.

I miss the person I thought he was, the relationship that could have been. 

I know it was a fantasy.

Some days are good, some days are bad. I think about him constantly and keep battling with myself. My heart want to contact him to tell him I miss him and hoping he feels the same but my head knows that that is not the healthy thing to do. I don't want a sexless relationship.

I don't want to lose my self respect (which I lost in the previous breakup) and I don't want that the anxiety attacks (which I had in the first 2 weeks following to breakup) to come back.

In the back of my I head I think that maybe he want to try but saw that I blocked him and his ego wouldn't allow him to contact me.

But then again, if he really wants to call me he can (he has two more lines) and he should be the one to do this.

I know it sounds as if I want him back. I partly do, partly don't. I guess what I want back is what we had in the first month.

Since then I have come to realise that open relationships are not for me. 

This morning I had the urge to contact him but didn't. I don't know if hearing 'no' one last time will help or worsen the situation.. what do you think?

I'm trying to be strong as much as I can and put that behind me. If I could press a button and be over him - I would.

I know I deserve better.. but it's so mentally hard.