Is there a nice way to confront my friend regarding this?

[enchanted771]

My good friend was mad at his friend the other night. He started talking a bunch of crap about his friend and the company hanging with him pretty much calling them losers. He was mad because the guy was saying a bunch of s*** about him in front of all of us so we left. Then, he gave  me an earful. Said the guy is a nobody, he’s going to disconnect from him for a while and stop hanging around him for a while because of how negative he is. Well, wouldn’t you know he’s hanging around him today and the two friends who he referred to as nobody’s 🙄🙄 I called him before 7 pm and he’s totally wasted. And it appears they are continuing the party tonight. I like to go out and have a good time, but he’s 47 acting like he’s 21. Even my friends, I expect to be on the same wavelength for the most part. We can have differences but I can’t stand hearing him talk a good one and then a day later they chilling again like nothing happened. I mean it’s up to him who he wants to hang with, but seems like the only ones who get respect are ones that treat him like he’s crap. Makes me wonder if I should stop being nice and be more of b**ch??!! We have also had our differences and this friend of his talking crap about my behavior, but my friend defended me. He shared with me that his friend is very jealous of our friendship. I have to admit, I was upset because he had told me the wave is different when he’s around him. Well, I think he’s separates what kind of things he does with him and me. That’s fine, if that’s what he wants, I have other friends and I’ll start hanging with them more instead of spending so much time with him, hearing him vent all the time and then see him set himself up to get hurt and crapped on. He has all these goals and sorry to say, as long as he hangs out with this guy, I don’t see that ever happening. He is a huge distraction and negative energy. I don’t know if I can even say anything because he’s known him for 30 years and me 2...

[basil67]

I'm going to guess that he was wasted when he was talking crap about his mates.  Just as he was wasted when he was hanging out with them later on.   And I doubt a lecture about his substance abuse and resulting stupidity will be well received.   So no, don't bother confronting him.

The long and the short of it is that he annoys you, you don't respect him, and you don't enjoy spending time with him.   The easiest way to deal with it is to quietly remove yourself from his life. If he calls asking you to meet up, just tell him you're busy.  You say you have other friends, so you'll probably be far happier without him.

[enchanted771]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm going to guess that he was wasted when he was talking crap about his mates.  Just as he was wasted when he was hanging out with them later on.   And I doubt a lecture about his substance abuse and resulting stupidity will be well received.   So no, don't bother confronting him.

The long and the short of it is that he annoys you, you don't respect him, and you don't enjoy spending time with him.   The easiest way to deal with it is to quietly remove yourself from his life. If he calls asking you to meet up, just tell him you're busy.  You say you have other friends, so you'll probably be far happier without him.

Yep, wasted both times. Even though he remembered it the next day, acting like he can do no wrong. I do care about him, but it’s hard to watch him self destruct all the time. I watched a family member do it, and it is hurtful to watch. 

[basil67]

You may care about him, but you were very clear that you don't enjoy his company.   He's a fine choice as a friend for someone who's got a saviour complex, but if you want to make good choices and have good boundaries, you must leave his drunken self behind.   

I don't like going back to old threads, but this one you wrote is exactly what's going on here.   In your words, "How can I stop allowing myself to be a doormat.  Aka a people pleaser, a pushover, taking people’s sh**?"    This guy is an alcoholic pain in the arse.   And honestly, the more you try to help and prop him up, the more you're enabling him.  The best way to help him is to walk away - when he realises that he's destroyed his life, he may be motivated to change.

 

 

Edited November 30, 2020 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Don't try to change  aka "confront" people. This is who he is.

Someone who goes on drunken rants 

Why listen to this drunken negative pontificating?

It's a waste of time. Leave the area, let things go to VM, ignore 

Better boundaries would help you a lot. What you need to confront and change is why you indulge this?

Edited November 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Libby1]

On 11/30/2020 at 12:25 AM, enchanted771 said:

 I have other friends and I’ll start hanging with them more instead of spending so much time with him, hearing him vent all the time and then see him set himself up to get hurt and crapped on. He has all these goals and sorry to say, as long as he hangs out with this guy, I don’t see that ever happening. He is a huge distraction and negative energy. I don’t know if I can even say anything because he’s known him for 30 years and me 2...

That sounds like a good plan.  I have a friend who's a nightmare to be around once he's had a few drinks. I told him ages ago that I'd only meet up with him during the day or on occasions when he can guarantee to me that there will be no alcohol involved.  His reaction to that was to go and see a counsellor who he claims assured him he isn't an alcoholic.  I hadn't accused him of being an alcoholic though.  I had just told him he's unpleasant when he's drunk, and I don't want to be around him on those occasions.  

I think that's all you can really do with people like that.  If you feel inclined to maintain some degree of connection with them, then it's best to lay down (and stick to) fairly strict rules about what sort of contact you'll have with them.  So that if they want to drink, take drugs or hang out with dramatic friends who like stirring up conflict out of nothing then that's up to them....but that your position is that you'll only associate with them during periods that they're not drinking, on drugs or subjecting you to the company of people you dislike.

[enchanted771]

6 hours ago, Libby1 said:

That sounds like a good plan.  I have a friend who's a nightmare to be around once he's had a few drinks. I told him ages ago that I'd only meet up with him during the day or on occasions when he can guarantee to me that there will be no alcohol involved.  His reaction to that was to go and see a counsellor who he claims assured him he isn't an alcoholic.  I hadn't accused him of being an alcoholic though.  I had just told him he's unpleasant when he's drunk, and I don't want to be around him on those occasions.  

I think that's all you can really do with people like that.  If you feel inclined to maintain some degree of connection with them, then it's best to lay down (and stick to) fairly strict rules about what sort of contact you'll have with them.  So that if they want to drink, take drugs or hang out with dramatic friends who like stirring up conflict out of nothing then that's up to them....but that your position is that you'll only associate with them during periods that they're not drinking, on drugs or subjecting you to the company of people you dislike.

Absolutely. I stopped going to events with him because he would start dancing with all sorts of people and I’m ignored. I had a friend who would do that years ago-nothing recent. After that, I told myself I wouldn’t be put in a position to do that. So I won’t be his sidekick. If I see him out somewhere then fine, but I don’t need him to go attend things. He will ditch me too if he feels like he rather hang out with his guy friends the remainder of the night. Then if I say he’s not even dancing with me, I’m being possessive