First Date Ended Early Because of Emergency!

[kiwistwbry]

5 minutes ago, Commongoal123 said:

 

Did he know this about you before sharing the story about his suicidal friend?

No, I never told him.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

dating is not social work, but suicide hits close to home for me and I feel it’s necessary to reach out no matter what might have really happened. This guy was also honest with me about his problems and I appreciated it, even if that has also made me realize he is not someone to consider dating. Because he has clearly not developed the necessary support system to be successful in a longterm recovery.

This is where I don't get it- you don't know him or his support system, you are so concerned 'it's necessary to reach out' but you already decided you don't want to date him?

There's no need to contact him at all if you don't want to see him again! If he has as many problems as everyone here is assuming you'll make life harder for him not better with mixed messages.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

When it comes to people in general I take them at face value, and consider them innocent until proven guilty. So far all I know is what happened while with him and not thereafter. 

Maybe he was lying about the whole thing, maybe his friend ended up killing himself and this guy doesn’t know how to tell me, or maybe he’s feeling guilty himself because he wasn’t there when it happened and was on a date with me instead. Maybe when he got there his friend didn’t even answer the door (his friend told him to not stop by) and so he still doesn’t know what’s going on. 

Neither one of us have unmatched each other on Bumble yet. If he made the whole thing up and was just trying to ditch me, I’d figure he would have done so there too. I’ve been ghosted and blocked before so I know full well when someone is doing that.

What I do know is not all the facts are adding up to be one side or the other, and that’s why if I don’t hear from him by today, which will be the third day, I’ll be reaching out to him tomorrow morning with a simple text just to make sure both him and his friend are okay. If he is the person I suspect him to be then he will reply, and if not then I’ll just have to assume I was wrong all along. Either way, I’ll have peace of mind knowing that I was there for someone who might need it. 

And I agree, dating is not social work, but suicide hits close to home for me and I feel it’s necessary to reach out no matter what might have really happened. This guy was also honest with me about his problems and I appreciated it, even if that has also made me realize he is not someone to consider dating. Because he has clearly not developed the necessary support system to be successful in a longterm recovery.

It sounds like your mind is made up. Despite all the great advice here, you are going to reach out and contact him anyway. It sounds like you are making excuses for a complete stranger based on the nice 20 second hug you had at the end of the first date. He's still a complete stranger. You don't know anything about him. And that whole showing you the text messages was more than likely an act. Maybe he had a meeting with his drug dealer. Or his parole officer. Or he had another date. You cannot believe anything someone tells you upon first meeting them, because people who OLD tell bald face lies all the time, to make themselves look good. 

My second issue is that you would be so willing to bring a drug addict into your son's life, as a potential father figure. Why would you do that? I don't care how great his smile is, or his physical appearance is. He's a drug addict. Even if he's been in recovery for 4 years. Drug addicts often make promises that they fail to deliver. And, they often blame their need to 'use' on external factors or people; they just never take responsibility for themselves. And since children are innocent, they naturally would take on the drug addict (or any addict)'s own shame as their own, as a way to feel closer to the addict and identify with them. 

When you date an addict boundaries matter. But, you are already showing a lack of boundaries by wanting to fix this guy's problems after just one date with him, the way you want to reach out and check on him and his suicidal friend. You don't even know this guy, yet you act like you're emotionally involved with him already. That's an example of poor boundaries on your part, I'm sorry. But it is. It's called enmeshment. It's also called codependency. 

If you had healthier boundaries, you'd check yourself, and see that, while you had a nice chat with him, the red flags are there: that he's an addict (who are constantly in recovery, there is no finite years when their recovery is finished and they aren't at risk of ever using again), that he is still in early recovery (4 years is not that long) and that his ex-wife is an active drug user so he has to deal with their shared child and that is a lot of baggage that would become your responsibility were you to get involved with him long term. And this will impact your son's wellbeing and quality of life in ways you can't even begin to imagine, that will be detrimental to his overall devleopment. There is the emotional impact and socio-psych impact on children who are around addicts who are in the parental figure/adult role in that child's life, for example. 

I think you should delete and block this guy from your OLD profile. You are not thinking things through and will only invite trouble if you continue to date this addict. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by Watercolors

[SumGuy]

Yes reach out and see how he and his friend are doing.

I seriously doubt it was a lie, a very elaborate one if that and just easy to get caught in.  Also he has a kid, the easy out is the babysitter e-mail saying come home lie  

4 years clean is very commendable.   Also commendable that he is there for his friend, sounds like the mentor in AA.   You got more of a feel for him than just his hug it sounds like.   People do recover from addiction, and live long lives addiction free, especially outside the realm of alcohol.   That is, you don't need any special predisposition to get addicted to opioids, or benzos, or amphetamines, those things are highly physically addictive for everyone, as is nicotine.

There is no harm in reaching out, and pretty decent thing to do.   I'd do it even if never intended to date a woman again, it is just a very empathetic and human thing to do.  There but for the grace of god go I.

Edited November 30, 2020 by SumGuy

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

Yes reach out and see how he and his friend are doing.

I seriously doubt it was a lie, a very elaborate one if that and just easy to get caught in.  Also he has a kid, the easy out is the babysitter e-mail saying come home lie  

4 years clean is very commendable.   Also commendable that he is there for his friend, sounds like the mentor in AA.   You got more of a feel for him than just his hug it sounds like.   

There is no harm in reaching out, and pretty decent thing to do.   I'd do it even if never intended to date a woman again, it is just a very empathetic and human thing to do.  There but for the grace of god go I.

I disagree that it's the human thing to do. She does not need to reach out and take on this complete stranger's life problems. He's a grown adult. It's about having health boundaries with people, SumGuy. Doesn't mean she's a bad person for not taking on his emotional wellbeing. That's what enmeshment is. If he feels stressed, then kiwistwbry feels stressed for him; that is textbook enmeshment. That is not empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. 

Quote

 

What is the meaning of enmeshment?

Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well.

 

www.newhavenrtc.com 

I think Kiwi needs to have stricter boundaries when she's OLD because there is her son's wellfare to consider. Bringing an addict into her son's life as a potential boyfriend/husband is not a great idea because of the negative impact it can have on both her life (financially, psychologically) and her son's life (his development). 

He's a complete stranger. She is not his social worker. There is literally no reason for her to reach out and check on how he's doing just because she's had personal experience with suicide. I view that as an excuse she's using to stay connected to him. That's just not a good idea. 

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

And that whole showing you the text messages was more than likely an act.

I agree with this^^.  I posted this on another thread created by a woman whose boyfriend was "too busy" to see her claiming he's with friends, and "proving" it by sending her pics of him with his friends.  Bunch you know what.

I will say to you kiwistwbry what I said to her.  Any man who has to "prove" what he's doing  (or why he's cutting the date short) by sending you pics or in your case showing you text messages is most likely not doing what he claims to be doing or going where he claims he is going.

Why should he have to "prove" anything?  Guilty conscience?  A man who is telling the truth does not need to prove anything, his word should be good enough.  When I was dating, whenever a man pulled that card, I knew he was probably lying.  Automatic NEXT.  It's unnecessary and overkill, when a man is telling the truth.

Also, he cut the date short and has not contacted you since.  An interested man would have reached out as soon as he could to schedule another date, unless he's lying in a gutter somewhere or dead, which I highly doubt.

I know you are going to do what you want to do but I have to ask what do you hope to gain by this?  Simply to be kind or do you think he will say to himself "oh kiwistwbry is so nice, so caring," I must contact her again and schedule another date." 

I doubt it, he is either attracted to you or he's not.  Your text will not matter to him, except to maybe think you might be quite desperate since he cut the date short and has not contacted you since.

If he were interested, he (1) would not have cut the date short, and (2) contacted you as soon as he could thereafter to schedule another date.  

You had one coffee meet/date with a man who cut it short.  Has not contacted you since.   You do not owe him your kindness by reaching out asking how he or his friend is.  For all you know he could be lying about that too.  

Just my $.02, good luck whatever you decide.

 

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

10 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Yes reach out and see how he and his friend are doing.

I seriously doubt it was a lie, a very elaborate one if that and just easy to get caught in.  Also he has a kid, the easy out is the babysitter e-mail saying come home lie  

4 years clean is very commendable.   Also commendable that he is there for his friend, sounds like the mentor in AA.   You got more of a feel for him than just his hug it sounds like.   People do recover from addiction, and live long lives addiction free, especially outside the realm of alcohol.   That is, you don't need any special predisposition to get addicted to opioids, or benzos, or amphetamines, those things are highly physically addictive for everyone, as is nicotine.

There is no harm in reaching out, and pretty decent thing to do.   I'd do it even if never intended to date a woman again, it is just a very empathetic and human thing to do.  There but for the grace of god go I.

This response has been refreshing. Thank you so very much. 

[balletomane]

14 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I disagree that it's the human thing to do. She does not need to reach out and take on this complete stranger's life problems. He's a grown adult. It's about having health boundaries with people, SumGuy. Doesn't mean she's a bad person for not taking on his emotional wellbeing. That's what enmeshment is. If he feels stressed, then kiwistwbry feels stressed for him; that is textbook enmeshment. That is not empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

The distinction between empathy and enmeshment is such an important one to make. It's easy to get them confused. I struggled with this a lot when I was younger and ended up playing the rescuer/caretaker role in several friendships, a pattern that followed me into relationships. Going to therapy and identifying the root of this behaviour (having an older sibling with a serious illness whom as a child I felt constantly obliged to care for and protect) was life-changing.

Kiwi, your posts suggest that the mention of suicide has pushed some emotional buttons for you, and to an outside observer it does look as if you're now in rescuer mode. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but for the sake of your own child, you need to go carefully here.

Edited November 30, 2020 by balletomane

[SumGuy]

5 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I disagree that it's the human thing to do. She does not need to reach out and take on this complete stranger's life problems. He's a grown adult. It's about having health boundaries with people, SumGuy. Doesn't mean she's a bad person for not taking on his emotional wellbeing. That's what enmeshment is. If he feels stressed, then kiwistwbry feels stressed for him; that is textbook enmeshment. That is not empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. ..

A text asking how someone is you met who has a friend who is suicidal, and on the edge is not enmeshment.   Can throw out all the psychological terms you want about boundaries as a convenient excuse not to show a mere modicum of empathy.  Empathy is more than just understanding and sharing the feelings of other, it is also acting.

This situation is a very good test case for empathy.  When your empathetic your judgment is tempered with compassion, that doesn't make you a fool though.  Maybe it is likely most cannot empathize with his situation.  It seems a large percentage of people can only empathize with things that have directly happened to them, otherwise...just judgment.  Like if she texts him next thing she knows she'll be filling prescriptions for him

So I repeat again, there but for the grace of god go I, which puts empathy and compassion ahead of being afraid one may be lowering their boundaries by a simple text.  Is he a stranger?  I ask you who is your neighbor then? (Luke 10:25-37, says it well and I am not even all that religious)  Not my problem, not my neighbor, is not how I live my life. 

I'm not suggesting she give him the shirt off her back, wash his wounds, or get him a room and set him up with food.  A simple text...about as little commitment or vulnerability as I can imagine.  Maybe it is more than I imagine.  Not sure when a kind word and an are you OK turned into enmeshment, in the troubling psychological sense.

I guess if one has a history of being taken advantage of, of being conned or scammed, then yes it makes perfect sense to just avoid.   However, if one has a good sense of self I see little danger.   

[poppyfields]

Kiwi, why were you "shocked" at my post?  I have a ton of experience and pretty much seen it all.

I've made mistakes, gotten my heart ripped by men who pulled stunts like this.  I always preferred to see the good in people, in men, even when their actions suggested otherwise.

I have since learned. It's called smart dating.  When you choose wisely from the get-go, you avoid disappointment, pain and heartbreak later.

I know you really like him and you don't need to write him off, but since he's big on proving things, why not let him prove his interest be reaching out to you?  Given he was the one who cut the date short.  

Let him put forth some effort!  In time, you can reciprocate.

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

SumGuy, what makes you so certain he's even telling the truth about the suicide? 

Even assuming he is, seems like quite an elaborate, not to mention private, thing to share with a stranger, about a close friend. 

I mean showing her his friends text messages about suicide?  What an invasion of his friend's privacy sharing such private and sensitive information. Shame on him. 

Man, I'd next him for that alone assuming it's true which is questionable imo.  

 

 

[kiwistwbry]

24 minutes ago, balletomane said:

The distinction between empathy and enmeshment is such an important one to make. It's easy to get them confused. I struggled with this a lot when I was younger and ended up playing the rescuer/caretaker role in several friendships, a pattern that followed me into relationships. Going to therapy and identifying the root of this behaviour (having an older sibling with a serious illness whom as a child I felt constantly obliged to care for and protect) was life-changing.

Kiwi, your posts suggest that the mention of suicide has pushed some emotional buttons for you, and to an outside observer it does look as if you're now in rescuer mode. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but for the sake of your own child, you need to go carefully here.

And you don’t think this guy is in rescuer mode? Trying to help his friend, and trying to help his ex/child’s mother. 

Maybe he proceeded with the date because he actually liked me and didn’t want me to think he was just blowing me off by canceling. Maybe he showed me the texts so I didn’t think he was just being a jerk and blowing me off by cutting the date short. Maybe something pretty bad happened after he left and he hasn’t felt comfortable texting me like he said he would.

What about all of these possibilities? Might seem far fetched to the majority of you, and yet him just making it all up doesn’t seem far fetched?? I don’t understand why everyone is assuming he’s just a big fat liar.

I think we can all agree we don’t know this guy, but why assume the worst instead of the best? And maybe meet in the middle somehow with our judgments of him? I understand people try to make themselves look good on these dating apps. But do you really think him admitting he was a drug addict and everything connected with that made him look good?? Good grief. I think a dose of humility might be helpful, hence the verse below.

“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  Hebrews 4:16

Edited November 30, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[MsJayne]

Two things.

1. He blabbed about a close friend being suicidal - this is not something he should be broadcasting to people he barely knows and suggests he has no integrity.

2. He said he would text you and he didn't, probably because he was zoned out somewhere...."recovering" drug addict my azz, he was checking his 'phone because he was waiting to score and couldn't get there fast enough, and completely forgot about you. This is a warning sign of what a relationship with him would be like - shallow and flaky, and dishonest from the word 'go'. 

[kiwistwbry]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Kiwi, why were you "shocked" at my post?  I have a ton of experience and pretty much seen it all.

I've made mistakes, gotten my heart ripped by men who pulled stunts like this.  I always preferred to see the good in people, in men, even when their actions suggested otherwise.

I have since learned. It's called smart dating.  When you choose wisely from the get-go, you avoid disappointment, pain and heartbreak later.

I know you really like him and you don't need to write him off, but since he's big on proving things, why not let him prove his interest be reaching out to you?  Given he was the one who cut the date short.  

Let him put forth some effort!  In time, you can reciprocate.

Because the date didn’t end under normal circumstances, so I don’t think it can be treated as such.

[kiwistwbry]

20 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

A text asking how someone is you met who has a friend who is suicidal, and on the edge is not enmeshment.   Can throw out all the psychological terms you want about boundaries as a convenient excuse not to show a mere modicum of empathy.  Empathy is more than just understanding and sharing the feelings of other, it is also acting.

This situation is a very good test case for empathy.  When your empathetic your judgment is tempered with compassion, that doesn't make you a fool though.  Maybe it is likely most cannot empathize with his situation.  It seems a large percentage of people can only empathize with things that have directly happened to them, otherwise...just judgment.  Like if she texts him next thing she knows she'll be filling prescriptions for him

So I repeat again, there but for the grace of god go I, which puts empathy and compassion ahead of being afraid one may be lowering their boundaries by a simple text.  Is he a stranger?  I ask you who is your neighbor then? (Luke 10:25-37, says it well and I am not even all that religious)  Not my problem, not my neighbor, is not how I live my life. 

I'm not suggesting she give him the shirt off her back, wash his wounds, or get him a room and set him up with food.  A simple text...about as little commitment or vulnerability as I can imagine.  Maybe it is more than I imagine.  Not sure when a kind word and an are you OK turned into enmeshment, in the troubling psychological sense.

I guess if one has a history of being taken advantage of, of being conned or scammed, then yes it makes perfect sense to just avoid.   However, if one has a good sense of self I see little danger.   

I’ve been really regretting my post on here, but not any longer thanks to you. I can’t thank you enough. 

[Acacia98]

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

A text asking how someone is you met who has a friend who is suicidal, and on the edge is not enmeshment.   Can throw out all the psychological terms you want about boundaries as a convenient excuse not to show a mere modicum of empathy.  Empathy is more than just understanding and sharing the feelings of other, it is also acting.

This situation is a very good test case for empathy.  When your empathetic your judgment is tempered with compassion, that doesn't make you a fool though.  Maybe it is likely most cannot empathize with his situation.  It seems a large percentage of people can only empathize with things that have directly happened to them, otherwise...just judgment.  Like if she texts him next thing she knows she'll be filling prescriptions for him

So I repeat again, there but for the grace of god go I, which puts empathy and compassion ahead of being afraid one may be lowering their boundaries by a simple text.  Is he a stranger?  I ask you who is your neighbor then? (Luke 10:25-37, says it well and I am not even all that religious)  Not my problem, not my neighbor, is not how I live my life. 

I'm not suggesting she give him the shirt off her back, wash his wounds, or get him a room and set him up with food.  A simple text...about as little commitment or vulnerability as I can imagine.  Maybe it is more than I imagine.  Not sure when a kind word and an are you OK turned into enmeshment, in the troubling psychological sense.

I guess if one has a history of being taken advantage of, of being conned or scammed, then yes it makes perfect sense to just avoid.   However, if one has a good sense of self I see little danger.   

If I were in her shoes, I'd want to check and make sure he and his friend were okay. So I can empathize with that sentiment on her part. But I'm also the one who has found myself in not-so-great situations precisely because I empathized and someone took advantage of that. That plus wanting to be cautious for my child's sake would make me just say a prayer for him and maybe donate something to a group/organization that was committed to preventing suicide or assisting people who had been affected by suicide. For him to be an addict in recovery I'm thinking he must have a decent group of supporting friends. I would let them be there for him if he was struggling. They would be able to help him far better than I could.

I don't think he was lying about his friend being suicidal. But I do think he was trying to manipulate her into viewing him a certain way. He apparently needed her to view him as a hero and to feel sorry for him. And my sense is he's the type of person that tries to make himself look good by making other people look bad. That kind of behavior is way beyond red flags. If she has difficulty seeing this, then she's precisely the kind of person who should keep her distance.

[poppyfields]

Kiwi, assuming he's telling the truth about his friend's possible suicide, given he shared such personal, sensitive and extremely private text messages from a friend with you, if you were to begin dating him, would you trust him to to keep personal, private and sensitive info you share with him private?  

I certainly wouldn't. 

I'm not quite understanding your mindset about this.  It was one coffee meet, but it's your call.  

Hope it work outs the way you hope, good luck. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Kiwi, assuming he's telling the truth about his friend's possible suicde, given he shared such personal, sensitive and extremely private text messages from a friend with you, if you were to begin dating him, would you trust him to to keep personal and sensitive info you share with him private?  

I certainly wouldn't. 

I'm not quite understanding your mindset about this.  It was one coffee meet. 

We are both struggling single parents and both agree it’s hard to be alone. We both wanted our families to stay together because ours growing up did not. We both gave our partners chances and still got hurt in the end. We both are rescuers. There was a connection with all of our similarities, and I believe that is why neither one of us wanted to end the hug. And yes, it’s probably true that boundaries were crossed because of all these similarities. Call it what you want, but I don’t see anything wrong with at least reaching out to show him someone cares. I know how to not be taken advantage of and would be able to cut things off if or when it appears to be heading in that direction. That’s even if he replies to my follow-up text. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[smackie9]

Me I would hold off on contacting him. He knows you are interested in another date, you left the ball in his court, he knows how to get a hold of you. If you don't hear from him, he's not interested. It's only been a couple of days.....relax.

[poppyfields]

kiwi, all he had to say to indicate interest (and should have said imo) was, "I'm so sorry I have an emergency I need to tend to, let me make it up to you, you busy Saturday?   Let me take you to dinner."

Or something like that.  Not all the drama he created "proving" he's telling the truth by showing you sensitive and private text messages   Good lord. 

And the guy hasn't even bothered to contact you since.  SMH.

 

 

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

And for the record - I would never involve my son with someone I don’t know. He has never met anybody from past relationships and I have been divorced for almost 5 years now. I know how to parent and keep my child safe, so no need to worry or judge about that. 

[poppyfields]

Kiwi, I support you reaching out to him.  I don't agree but I support. 

Who knows, it's all a risk.  If he doesn't respond, or responds curtly and doesn't ask you out again, you'll have your answer. 

If he does, tread carefully, do not continue to chase.

Again, good luck and keep us posted!  

 

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Me I would hold off on contacting him. He knows you are interested in another date, you left the ball in his court, he knows how to get a hold of you. If you don't hear from him, he's not interested. It's only been a couple of days.....relax.

I completely agree that under normal circumstances I would be reacting this way.

Edited November 30, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Watercolors]

45 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Kiwi, your posts suggest that the mention of suicide has pushed some emotional buttons for you, and to an outside observer it does look as if you're now in rescuer mode. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but for the sake of your own child, you need to go carefully here.

I agree with this 100%. 

16 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But I do think he was trying to manipulate her into viewing him a certain way. He apparently needed her to view him as a hero and to feel sorry for him. And my sense is he's the type of person that tries to make himself look good by making other people look bad. That kind of behavior is way beyond red flags. If she has difficulty seeing this, then she's precisely the kind of person who should keep her distance.

 I definitely think he was manipulating Kiwi showing her the texts, sharing that private information about his friend being suicidal to make him appear heroic and compassionate. He does sound like those people who exploit others to make themselves look good. 

9 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

We both are rescuers. There was a connection with all of our similarities, and I believe that is why neither one of us wanted to end the hug.

This is where you need to tread carefully. You don't know that he is a rescuer like you are. All you know, is what he told you, at face value. You have no way to verify anything as being true, that he told you on your one date with him. And, it he very well could have been doing what is called "mirroring" to you, to manipulate you. Mirroring is a behavior where one person consciously/unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of the person they are in conversation with. Basically, when one person replicates the other person's nonverbal and verbal signals.

He could very well have been mirroring your likes, dislikes, dreams, passions, personal experiences, to intensify the "bond" between you and he. This is a trap laid by the narcissist. He is someone who appears to good to be true (showing you text messages to verify that he is worried about a suicidal friend).  Since he likely didn't receive good mirroring in his childhood from his parents (i.e. they didn't set a good example of how to live life, they weren't good people), he reacted to bad mirroring by growing up and becoming a drug addict. Mirroring is an early childhood development strategy as well, to help children feel seen and understood.  

9 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Call it what you want, but I don’t see anything wrong with at least reaching out to show him someone cares.

Well, it's called enmeshment. YOu can be a good person, go to church, read the bible. But that doesn't mean you should rescue every complete stranger who crosses your path. He has his support group. They are better equipped to deal with him than you are, since you and he are completes strangers. You don't know him, yet you are acting like you do after just one date.  

9 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I know how to not be taken advantage of and would be able to cut things off if or when it appears to be heading in that direction. That’s even if he replies to my follow-up text. 

But you want him to reply to your follow up text. He already knows you want to see him again. You left the ball in his court, so you should not be chasing after him like you would be doing, by "reaching out" to him, to check on his suicidal friend whom you don't even know is a real person or just an act. So, I do think you are vulnerable to be taken advantage of the way you are not clear with your boundaries, after just one date with this guy.  

26 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Two things.

1. He blabbed about a close friend being suicidal - this is not something he should be broadcasting to people he barely knows and suggests he has no integrity.

2. He said he would text you and he didn't, probably because he was zoned out somewhere...."recovering" drug addict my azz, he was checking his 'phone because he was waiting to score and couldn't get there fast enough, and completely forgot about you. This is a warning sign of what a relationship with him would be like - shallow and flaky, and dishonest from the word 'go'. 

100% agree with Jayne here. He is red flagging you everywhere and you're choosing to ignore all of the red flags. Why? 

[kiwistwbry]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I agree with this 100%. 

 I definitely think he was manipulating Kiwi showing her the texts, sharing that private information about his friend being suicidal to make him appear heroic and compassionate. He does sound like those people who exploit others to make themselves look good. 

This is where you need to tread carefully. You don't know that he is a rescuer like you are. All you know, is what he told you, at face value. You have no way to verify anything as being true, that he told you on your one date with him. And, it he very well could have been doing what is called "mirroring" to you, to manipulate you. Mirroring is a behavior where one person consciously/unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of the person they are in conversation with. Basically, when one person replicates the other person's nonverbal and verbal signals.

He could very well have been mirroring your likes, dislikes, dreams, passions, personal experiences, to intensify the "bond" between you and he. This is a trap laid by the narcissist. He is someone who appears to good to be true (showing you text messages to verify that he is worried about a suicidal friend).  Since he likely didn't receive good mirroring in his childhood from his parents (i.e. they didn't set a good example of how to live life, they weren't good people), he reacted to bad mirroring by growing up and becoming a drug addict. Mirroring is an early childhood development strategy as well, to help children feel seen and understood.  

Well, it's called enmeshment. YOu can be a good person, go to church, read the bible. But that doesn't mean you should rescue every complete stranger who crosses your path. He has his support group. They are better equipped to deal with him than you are, since you and he are completes strangers. You don't know him, yet you are acting like you do after just one date.  

But you want him to reply to your follow up text. He already knows you want to see him again. You left the ball in his court, so you should not be chasing after him like you would be doing, by "reaching out" to him, to check on his suicidal friend whom you don't even know is a real person or just an act. So, I do think you are vulnerable to be taken advantage of the way you are not clear with your boundaries, after just one date with this guy.  

100% agree with Jayne here. He is red flagging you everywhere and you're choosing to ignore all of the red flags. Why? 

Because I am no longer approaching him with just a relationship in mind. It just feels necessary to follow-up with him as person to person.

Edited November 30, 2020 by kiwistwbry