Single mom with no family support

[DealtBadHands]

Life has dealt me many blows. I was widowed at age 29 when my only son was 2 months old. My husband died suddenly leaving me to raise my son by myself. My son is now 13. I had two serious relationships since but both guys were controlling and only interested in me - not my son. My mother and father both died within the past 7 years and I have two older brothers. The oldest is dying from cancer and my other brother is an alcoholic.

 

I have no family support, no decent role models for my son to look up to and I myself have no one who understands or who can help me. I'm doing it all alone and emotionally I try to be strong but I'm on my own.

 

My son has ADHD and dyslexia and he struggles in school. He makes friends easily but then his friends lose interest in him. I don't know how to build his self esteem and make him tough. My last ex told me "You're son is too "soft". He had a son the same age who teased my son and bullied him. I've tried everything to toughen up my son and help him socialize but I truly wonder if the absence of a decent male role model is hurting him? If so there is nothing I can do about it - I don't have family and friends, coworkers and neighbors don't seem interested.

 

My son is wanting to try out for the basketball team but the cooler kids in school have teased him. He thinks he'll make the team. He's never shown any interest in sports before and he's clumsy and awkward - if he doesn't make the team I am worried that he'll be crushed or made fun of. Everyone says he should play football because he's a big guy but he's too chicken and worried about getting tackled.

 

I hate the fact he's so soft and not like the other boys. I was athletic and his father was athletic. I have no men to help me raise him or toughen him up. What am I supposed to do?

 

He is intent on trying out for the basketball team but the cool kids are also trying out - they only pick 25 kids and I think 100 are trying out. I will be crushed if he doesn't make it. I want him to excel in something - I think it would totally change him.

 

He has had no desire to play soccer, football, swim, etc. Where all other kids are into skateboarding, football, etc. my son never has wanted to do anything like that for lack of confidence in himself I think. I encourage him and try to motivate him but without a father - I can only do so much. Plus with no grandfather, uncles or any male role model - I am making myself sick worrying he's going to be scarred for life because he hasn't had a male role model.

 

He is kind and outgoing but other kids tend to sense something in him and once they get to know him they drop him. I've tried counseling but the counselors never think anything is wrong and they say "He seems like a good kid to me".

 

I cannot figure out what is wrong - is he just a boy who is "soft" and will come into his own eventually or is the lack of a father hurting him? I take him fishing and always offer to do things a father would do - my ex tried getting him involved in hunting but my son wasn't tough and into it like his son so he gave up.

 

My ex constantly ridiculed my son for being soft and I got angry and ended the relationship. Why couldn't he offer to be a role model rather than laugh at him?

 

My brothers are worthless and I don't know anyone who would be willing to spend a little time with my son.

 

I'm encouraging my son to try out for basketball even though the other more popular and tougher boys are laughing at him - I told him if he didn't make the team then there are other things he can get involved in.

 

Every year my son struggles to maintain friendships and pass his classes. I can't figure out what's wrong with him - I always thought my son would be a tough guy like his father. I'm strong willed and athletic - I encourage my son and always praise him and try to boost his self esteem.

 

What am I doing wrong as a mother? How can I toughen him up without any male role models or family support?

[SuperMonk]

Not much you can do, you can be yourself but he needs a male role model and he has to be an older emotionally stable person. Trust me in the long run, otherwise he'll turn out to be a effeminate person who doesn't know how to deal with emotions properly like a man.

[brashgal]

You might look into the Big Brothers organization - hopefully they have one in your area. You should be able to find a good mentor for your son there.

 

Beyond that, hope for the best (but expect the worst). I think he needs to try out - just trying out might give him additional confidence. You can't shelter him from everything and babying him will not help.

[Mz. Pixie]

I echo big brothers. You could also find someone at a local church who might be willing to mentor your son. What about a teacher he looks up to? Male??

 

My husband is a teacher and he has frequently stepped in with some of his kids who were in your son's situation.

[suegail]

At least he'll be in there trying and that's what counts. It's obvious lots of kids aren't going to make the team if 100 are trying out and I see no reason why he should get teased more than anyone else if he doesn't make it. I think it's wonderful that he's willing to try.

 

You said he's clumsy and awkward and has low confidence. I was watching once some martial arts instructors work with kids and they did such a beautiful job of building confidence in those kids. You might check out some different schools of martial arts and find out which are best. If it built his confidence the other kids would take notice of that.

 

Also, have you tried getting him into any music lessons? Does he enjoy anything like that? Some guitar lessons or something...You never know - that could be something he'd turn out to be very gifted at. If not music, what about art? Drawing? Painting?

 

My heart really goes out to him. Peer pressure at that age - it's hard. God Bless him...I hope he'll find the things in life he'll really enjoy, and that in time it will get easier for him to establish friendships.

[DealtBadHands]

Sue thanks for your positive response. I agree with you about him trying out for basketball even if he doesn't make the team. At least he's going in there and trying. He attempted Tai Kwon Do a few years ago but he lost interest because there were way too many kids in each class and the classes seemed repetitive.

 

I have contacted Big Brothers to enroll him in that. With so many hurricane victims in my area - alot of mentors are are unavailable because they are dealing with those kids.

 

I'm also going to contact the church.

 

I'm trying hard to be both a mother and a father to my son but at the same time I'm trying to give him independence to learn to socialize and make his own decisions.

 

It's so hard because I don't have anyone to turn to for advice or help. Alot of times I need emotional support myself but everyone I know is way too wrapped up in themselves and their own lives.

[suegail]

Oh gosh, you're welcome and I wish I could offer more useful advice. It's hard to see your child struggle in school and feel 'different' and be treated as 'different' because all a kid ever wants is to blend in and be accepted.

 

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers....

[catalyst]

My son is now grown, but he was diagnosed with ADHD as a little guy. Even though he started off struggling, he became an athlete (all of them!) worked his way up to straight A's and is going off to college soon. It was very hard. But I let my son know every day that he is loved and more importantly, I have faith in his ability to deal with his own life. If he screws up, its not cause there is anything wrong with him, its cause people screw up and that's how we learn. Its not the end of the world if there is no man in your lives. YOU are your son's first role model. Gender means nothing. How you handle this (independently or casting around for someone to bail you out) will show him how to deal with his own adult problems in the future.

 

Accept the child as he is, fatherless and all. Don't worry about him so much, kids don't worry about things unless mom is worried about it. From his point of view, if mom (the super lady who can do ANYTHING) is worried about something(me), it(I) must be something really, really bad. Seems to me your so worried about this that you may be passing that anxiety down to the child. You keep saying HE lacks confidence, but you don't sound like you have a lot of confidence in him either. Unless you believe in him he will not grow up to believe in himself. Even for boys, no amount of male role models can overcome your mom's lack of confidence in you. In your concern about how important men are to your son, you seem to have forgotten how important you are.

 

Boys do need male role models, but it should be with someone you trust and who he meets and decides to make a friend out of himself. They have an uncanny knack for finding them on thier own. Find male friends you trust and have them come visit but let the child choose his own mentor(s). This happened with my son and one of my male friends. They still write and call one another even though that friend now lives 2000 miles away and we hardly talk at all anymore. My son also has an ongoing friendship with his 6th grade teacher. I did not set that up. He just decided he liked these men. Relax and keep an eye on the situation but stay out of it otherwise. Your son is the expert on who he likes and can relate to. You are the expert on who is a safe person for that. Your son will develop relationships with men all on his own, its a guy thing.

 

I would not recommend using the church (or seeking or ANY strange man you don't personally know from Big Brothers ect...), unless you grew up in it and know everybody. That's not as safe a place for children alone as most people think. Just because a man is in the church, does not mean he is or is not a safe person. Choose men you trust, don't expect some kind of "certified safe" sticker cause he is a church going man (or a Big Brother). NO other man is going to be as safe as his father would have been. Fathers, it is believed, protect children from abuse more often than not, just by being there. Because he is gone, you will have to do double duty in this regard. Men who abuse kids actively seek out single women who are desperately seeking father figures.

 

I would suggest you two find a single parents group. Your son will meet other kids with only one parent and both of you may learn to accept your family as it is. You need other single parents as well, being a single mom is rough. Its easier if you gather with a group of others in the same boat. But ultimately, you have to deal with that reality as it is, on your own. No man can, or should be expected to, fix it.

[catalyst]

By the way both of my brothers are straight, married and have kids. We had no male role models, Dad was not around either. Your son will not be gay or "effeminant" if he has no man around to "teach him to deal with his feelings" Thats just silly. Its either there or its not. Just because a boy is feminine or sensitive does not mean he is now or ever will be gay.

 

Stop expecting him to reach your goals, (popular, athlete, tough). Encourage him to create his own and follow them through. He is not you nor his father, he is an individual with his own mind about things. He may just not be an athletic person. Something wrong with not being athletic? What is HE good at, what does HE like? Do you know?

 

Just my opinion, but I think you need the counselor, not your son.

[Clair]

I think you need to find a man for yourself. A good man, not necessarily handsome, but reliable.