Does this sound like an affair

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

I won’t ask him to change jobs because flirtatious women looking for male attention are a dime a dozen he’ll just do the same thing with someone else at a different place, the issue is him not caring about personal boundaries and I don’t think it’s my job to police him, he should just not wish to do that because he loves me.

True.

9 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

He is 46, he won’t change his personality at this age, and I don’t accept him as is.

Again true.

[zouzd]

54 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Where does it say that?

he is jealous from the husband as she "tries everything with him".

there are two imp points :

-1) he has reached a level of friendship with her that is very deep  and dangerous .

-2) he is trying to deliver the message to wife that she doesn't do a lot of efforts for him .

 

 

 

[elaine567]

You are assuming and projecting... sex has never been mentioned by the OP or her husband.

[zouzd]

Dear Cocolemon ,

 

not me nor anybody should accuse you to make you feel th at you are at fault ; nor I can defend what your husband is doing ;

what he is doing is definitely wrong ; the important question is :

-Your Marriage is in a very bad situation ; it is now getting close to ICU !

Forgot about this specific woman , if he is happy  he won't even look at another woman ; and if you are close to him you would have felt secure .

you need to sit down , and think why your marriage is reaching this state ?

-What would you sacrifice to make it work again ?

-do you really love him ? or just love the stability coming from this marriage ?

 

 

 

[zouzd]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are assuming and projecting... sex has never been mentioned by the OP or her husband.

I hope op shares more about how is their sexual life ?

because I believe for active couples who are not yet retired from sexual activities , sex satisfaction is very indicative about their happiness in their marriage ; if one of the partners feels unsatisfied there is either incompatibilities or other major issues.

Thats my 2cents 

[KaterinaVon]

You mention he was flirting and hugging a new intern at work. So if he was having an affair with his long time work colleague of 14 years, why would he risk getting her upset with the new attention to the new intern ? And if he was having a real affair don’t you think he’d be more careful not to get so hands on in front of others ? 
 

When a friendship is good there’s chemistry, love and affection, doesn’t mean sexual. I don’t think a shoulder massage with clothes on is sexual or rubbing someone’s swelled legs because they are diabetic or pregnant. What’s sexy about swelling legs due to a medical condition or pregnancy? He was just being helpful. My friends and I massage each other too! Unless they are talking dirty to me or trying to remove my clothes and it’s not in a joking way, I don’t view it as anything serious 
 

It just sounds to me that he is a flirt, and only you can say if he can be trusted or not 

Frankly his drug addicted sister who can’t take care of her daughter is a bigger problem than his flirtations at work with other women. 
 

Adding someone else’s child into your life is a lot of responsibility that’s the real elephant in the room. 

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, zouzd said:

I hope op shares more about how is their sexual life ?

As the OPs current thinking is to abandon him as a lost cause, I think their previous sex life is now immaterial

[zouzd]

42 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

As the OPs current thinking is to abandon him as a lost cause, I think their previous sex life is now immaterial

so whats valuable now ?

materialistic issue ?

how much she should get from a divorce ?

 

OP : 

Address The Root Cause Of The Problem

In medical science, you ought to treat the cause, not the symptoms. The same thing applies in the context of marriage; you have to deal and focus on eradicating the cause of your marital problems, and the most important : do you want to resolve them or you are fed-up already ? ; only you , deep inside knows what you really want ; my advise to you : look at the root cause ,

if you can change things to reach a happy marriage for you , him , and your kids then struggle ;

otherwise , if you reached a point where a bunch of old ladies who can not be in your shoes anymore or a struggling man denying facts in his marriage like me would advise you what to do ,save yourself from this and just start a new life , if you can !

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Divorce is something you need to carefully deliberate as an option.

This is a fair point. If it were me, I wouldn't actually initiate discussion of this UNLESS I felt willing to carry it forward. Bluffs sometimes get called, and where would that leave you.

[Crazelnut]

I think you should go to marriage counseling and see where that leads you. Maybe you will decide to work on things, maybe you will decide to leave him. MC and IC will help provide clarity.

Personally, I could not live with a spouse who engaged in such overt flirting. Leg massages on a female work colleague who is wearing a skirt?! H*** No! If MC doesn't help him understand your need for him to have better boundaries, I don't see how your marriage can survive. 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Bluffs sometimes get called, and where would that leave you.

She doesn't need to call his bluff as he has admitted he was wrong and he has promised to stop.
The only problem being she can't stop his flirty nature nor can she police him forever.
For peace of mind she has concluded she needs to walk away.
No therapist can educate a grown man who felt it OK to feel up, sorry massage, his flirty and gorgeous coworkers legs... a five year old would know that was not OK... 

[KaterinaVon]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

No therapist can educate a grown man who felt it OK to feel up, sorry massage, his flirty and gorgeous coworkers legs... a five year old would know that was not OK... 

Well, when you put it this way, it does sound bad, how does a person come back from this ? 
Who knows how far up her legs he was massaging, but yikes, if she was pregnant that’s just gross that he’d be sexually touching her while she’s pregnant from another man. The whole thing is yucky.

The husband has no guilt about it either, otherwise he’d try to hide it from his co workers. Bizarre. She did mention there were others he was flirty with though, maybe the dude is just a creep. 
 

 

[S2B]

I’d ask the counselor to work with him on his inadequate boundaries and his need to get an ego feed from women he works with.

[stillafool]

She isn't going to leave her husband.

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She isn't going to leave her husband.

Probably not but she is in a very bad catch 22 situation.
She has a flirty likely cheating husband, AND she has been railroaded into accepting his sister's no doubt messed up kid.
Happy days ahead... NOT.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She doesn't need to call his bluff as he has admitted he was wrong and he has promised to stop.

I meant that HE might call her bluff of threatening divorce if she decides to threaten that but isn't actually willing to carry forward.

[Cocolemon]

What hurts me the most is his overt flirting at work, he made me feel like a fool. There were times I stopped by to bring him lunch or bring a file he left at home. I saw her there at work and she’d smile and say hi like nothing was going on. She invited us to her kids birthday parties ! Why ?!? 
 

His never said he sees her as family or anything like that, just that, that’s his friend, which means he has feelings for her that have nothing to do with friendship. When I asked him why he didn’t date her back in 2006 when they started working together he said, “ she had her husband then and I was with you” that’s VERY telling, what he should have said is “ am not interested in her in that way”. 
 

He spoke today with his boss, since this Covid situation this year, there have been several workers working from home, he will do the same now, am just not sure how I’m going to feel with him at the house all the time now. 
 

I haven’t had the divorce discussion yet as a lot is happening in our lives besides his infidelity with his friend. Am just feeling so down. 
 

All I can think about is the two of them having a ball at work and her wearing her tight skirts to work and then flirting and touching each other. Don’t know if he was on his way to cheating with the intern too as they were also flirting and touching each other in hugs. 
 

Divorce is not something I ever thought would happen to me, I didn’t think he was a cheat. So devastated. I’m in the bathroom with the water running pretending to take a shower just to have a place to cry in peace without anyone seeing, there’s no privacy with his niece here and his mom whose come to visit and he himself has been silent but observant. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Cocolemon

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

, there’s no privacy with his niece here and his mom whose come to visit 

Do you want his family there why don't you have any say/input on huge decisions like this?

Do you work? Why are you worried about him working from home?

Your marriage is in deep trouble everyone knows it and worst of all is barking up the wrong tree with your intense jealously .

You've even interrogated his co-worker dragging them into your marital problems, jealousy,etc. and despite those interrogations, you came up with nothing.

It sounds like you're very unhappily married. But you don't see it.

[Cocolemon]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want his family there why don't you have any say/input on huge decisions like this?

Do you work? Why are you worried about him working from home?

Your marriage is in deep trouble everyone knows it and worst of all is barking up the wrong tree with your intense jealously .

You've even interrogated his co-worker dragging them into your marital problems, jealousy,etc. and despite those interrogations, you came up with nothing.

It sounds like you're very unhappily married. But you don't see it.

I’ve been dealing with other personal problems and this is the last straw for me in my personal life. 
 

I do work, I work from home, I sale things online that I craft myself, it’s a lucrative business for me, but this past week has been a lot to keep up with the orders and everything in my personal life. I feel like I need a getaway vacation but we are in lockdown. Just no escape really.

He has been trying to work on things, but the years of disrespect seem more sincere than an apology just because he got caught. You know ?

We have been together for 16 years though, so I don’t want to throw it away, but then again I feel like his actions did that not me

Edited December 5, 2020 by Cocolemon

[zouzd]

Dear , 

I think over years you and your husband were not in love , rather it is like any two who married to build a family .

I tell you that from my experience in same situation over the years ; there are many types of woman and men ;not sure about your husband but you seem that you are the type of women who is introvert .

and he is the type of men who don't like confrontations unless required he explodes.

This woman existence in his life is so dangerous to your  marriage not in the sense you see it ; any woman will from now on be a threat because of the situation you have both reached.

You want my opinion , from what you described your husband loves you , but he is lacking to be see not just as bread winner ; he wants to be treated as hero winning your heart ; while you are raising kids and you assume that it is you that should be appreciated .

No matter if he is an a**h*** or not ; and he wasn't transformed into one overnight ; but the fact that he is trying to work from home is a positive issue , it means he wants to make you comfortable ; avoid nagging , appreciate a little ....

the important thing is now to admit from your side that you have a huge problem in your marriage , and make him understand that too the proper way .

 

All this is based on the fact that you care about fixing this marriage ; and fixing it will not come by just crying under a blanket or in the bathroom , 

 

if you want this marriage to continue, you should stand and talk to him , communicate your emotions and analyze what is going wrong .

The worst , the worst enemy of a succefull marriage is sweeping the dirt under the rugs, until one day it becomes so rotten that you can no longer clean the mess.

 

take it from people like me , who had gone through it !

 

thats my 2 cents , take them for free ; or just listen to voices who would just light the fire under your marriage .

 

Don't give up ! fight for this marriage !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

We have been together for 16 years though, so I don’t want to throw it away.

Ok. So you now both work from home, your niece is there his family intrudes and certainly that is causing a lot of general and interpersonal stress.

While a brief escape sounds great, it's not a long term solution.

Can you stay with friends or family for a while to get away from the chaos at home with his niece and other family intrusions?

This may give you the break you need from him and his family and his shenanigans.

After you've had some time away, perhaps you'll consider marriage therapy....If...You want to reinstate intimacy.

[Cocolemon]

We had another talk late last night. 
 

We don’t have any kids, I had trouble getting pregnant and had two miscarriages so we gave up on that, the second miscarriage we had I felt very depressed afterwards because I wanted to be a mother. I was depressed for about half a year, perhaps that’s when he started getting friendly with his work colleague and now he is flirting with yet another woman. 
 

Maybe he resents that I wasn’t able to have kids and give him a child? I’ve asked him this and he denies it. He just says he doesn’t want to divorce and he wants to work on things, that while he flirts and is touchy feely, that there has been no affair. To please reconsider our relationship and give him a shot. That he is sorry he went to others about our marriage and that he turned to the attentions of other women. 
 

So I agreed to marriage counseling. 
 

I’m not feeling anxious anymore, just kinda numb. Not sure if that’s an improvement or a setback 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

I agreed to marriage counseling. 

Excellent. A lot can be unpacked and sorted out. 

[S2B]

So what is his role in “working on the marriage”? Was he specific?

what can you expect from him?

and he was also “touchy feely”? And he took your personal marital info to others? Oh gosh, he has certainly crossed many boundaries now and betrayed you on several levels.

what is HIS plan to repair all this damage he has created?

is he the passive aggressive type?

Edited December 7, 2020 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

So what is his role in “working on the marriage”? 

19 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

. That he is sorry he went to others about our marriage and that he turned to the attentions of other women.

So agreed to marriage counseling. 

 

5 hours ago, S2B said: