Does this sound like an affair

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

Should this be something I tell her husband about ? I mean she is being inappropriate with another man behind his back. Maybe that will put an end to their “friendship”.

I will tell him what I know and let him deal with it. I think my husband and her are making a fool out of both her husband and me.

Up to you. I suspect it could end or at least put a significant damper on their friendship. Her husband may see it AS an affair, with all that entails, including possibly divorce. Possibly violence of one sort or another, although that risk is low. I don't recommend or suggest it, but I'm not saying not to do it (in your case) because it's not clear there's really enough there for there to be accusations of an affair; however one really never knows how things will play out when tinkering with the unpredictable chemistry of other people's lives. Particularly when it comes to affairs or even "near-affairs"/borderline cases.

You might consider speaking to a lawyer before doing this. The reason is that IF it turns out it WAS an affair and the other couple divorces, in some jurisdictions, an affair partner (which would be your husband) can be sued if a couple divorces due to an affair (what's known in the US as "alienation of affection").

IF your jurisdiction has these, it's one (rather major) thing to take into account when making this kind of decision. Many family attorneys will give free half hour consults and you can ask a few to get your questions answered and hopefully confirm you're not in a jurisdiction where this kind of lawsuit has precedents.

Edited December 3, 2020 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Is it possible he could be the father to one or some of her kids?

how old are her kids? She may be inviting him knowing it’s his (your husband’s) child’s party.

 

also, what’s the role this OW husband plays when she has the party? Does her husband interact with you two? Does she still act the same with your husband when her husband is present?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

He has told me today that his niece is coming to live with us . I just want to tell her husband so he is aware of her behavior. 

Marriage therapy would help you navigate this problem of his niece living with you and your resentment. Why wasn't this a mutual decision?

If you wish to talk to the husband, make sure you only present facts. It won't help your marriage and it won't ease all the other resentment.

If you are telling the husband your  interpretations to stir up drama and exact revenge for forcing you to deal with taking care of your husband's niece, you've got a lot of reflecting to do.

[Cocolemon]

I got the phone number of one of his colleagues and speaking with him this morning I find out they have been quite touchy at work, there have been times he massages her shoulders by the water cooler .... anyone can see, when she was pregnant this past year her legs would swell and there was my husband to the rescue massaging her there again others can see, and several times she’s been leaning close as he works in his office or she’s outright been seen sitting on his lap as she’s been working. He has bought her food and they eat lunch together when they can but if not they find a way to meet each other to talk. She also stays after her hours end and lingers for a while talking to him. He walks her to her car sometimes. 

Neither of them have cared to hide these interactions from others, would they be this stupid to do this do publicly if they were having an affair ? 
 

I brought it up and my husband said she is flirty and some of those things she does with other men too. I don’t know what to think. 
 

This isn’t even the worst yet, there’s a new intern at work that started this year and she seems smitten with him, he has been seen flirting with her and spending some time with her more than is necessary. 
 

His niece is now with us, his sister is going to rehab and so this is forefront right now. 
 

I feel that maybe it’s too late for me to start over with someone else, am already 43. If I was half that age I don’t think I’d stay .

 

Edited December 3, 2020 by Cocolemon

[Cocolemon]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

Is it possible he could be the father to one or some of her kids?

how old are her kids? She may be inviting him knowing it’s his (your husband’s) child’s party.

 

also, what’s the role this OW husband plays when she has the party? Does her husband interact with you two? Does she still act the same with your husband when her husband is present?

Her kids all look like either her or her family or the dad. My husband has thinning blond hair her husband has dark brown, hers is dark red. Her kids all have her husbands features or hers 

Also, she had a hard time getting pregnant at 40, she speaks of how many trips to the doctor with her husband she took. But I don’t get it, why is she so close to my husband if she is busy having kids with her husband and going on vacations with her husband etc.

Edited December 3, 2020 by Cocolemon

[stillafool]

Why don' t you invite this woman and her husband over for dinner.  That way you and her husband can see for yourselves if something is going on.

[Cocolemon]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why don' t you invite this woman and her husband over for dinner.  That way you and her husband can see for yourselves if something is going on.

Well, now that I’ve made their “friendship” into such an issue, he is not going to want to invite them over.

Also, he has been pre occupied with his niece and making preparations to take his sister to rehab. 

[Cocolemon]

A huge reason I think he is having an affair is also because he answers my questions with a question. 
 

I asked if he was having an affair he says, if I was having an affair then why am I still married to you having sex with you all the time ? 
 

 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Cocolemon said:

A huge reason I think he is having an affair is also because he answers my questions with a question. 
 

I asked if he was having an affair he says, if I was having an affair then why am I still married to you having sex with you all the time ? 
 

 

I wouldn't let him get away with that.  I would again ask him point blank is he having an affair.

[Crazelnut]

Coco, you need to STOP involving your husband's coworkers in your marital problems! It's completely inappropriate, makes them uncomfortable, and makes you look bad. Plus, they're going to talk to him, and he will be furious that you check up on him like he's a misbehaving child.

You need to have a discussion with your husband about boundaries. You need to describe *specific* actions that make you uncomfortable or cross your line. Touching, massaging, etc. If he doesn't see a problem with these actions, you have a decision to make. Do you want to (a) drag him to marriage counseling to negotiate boundaries with professional help, (b) leave if you can't live with his loose boundaries, or (c) stay and accept that he will always be this way.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

This isn’t even the worst yet, there’s a new intern at work that started this year and she seems smitten with him, he has been seen flirting with her and spending some time with her more than is necessary. 
 

His niece is now with us, his sister is going to rehab and so this is forefront right now. 

Unfortunately, agree that calling his colleagues and dragging them into you marital problems is inappropriate. Is your husband the office wolf? 

[Cocolemon]

Well, everything has been thrown back at my face.

I told her husband about how close she’s been with my husband and about the inappropriate messages and him walking her to her car and her staying after to talk to him, plus about how close they stand together. 
 

Do you know what he does ? He just looks at me and says, “yeah, that sounds like her”...?!?!?! What ?!?!? I was flabbergasted. He says she’s always been quite the flirt and that’s one of the things he loves about her, her ability to have a good time. He says their sex life is amazing because there’s nothing she doesn’t try and that it turns him on knowing she flirts with other guys, but she’s coming home to him. 
 

I was not expecting this at all, I was expecting him to side with me on how inappropriate this is. Now I feel I’ve raised commotion over nothing and I look stupid. 

My husband says he likes her very much and they’ve been friends for 14 years, that he is an affectionate guy and she’s a flirt so he can see how it would look bad, and that he wouldn’t behave that way in my presence but that’s because he knows I’d be upset not because he sees anything wrong with it. He says he loves me and he just likes to flirt because that’s something that over time has been lost with us and it’s something he likes. So the other woman at work, the new intern, he says there’s nothing going on either other than flirting and hugging her. 
 

I had to express that it bothers me and that I want him to stop. That’s when he agreed, but says we need to work on our marriage. 
 

Why does everyone else think AM the one with the problem ?

[Cocolemon]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

Coco, you need to STOP involving your husband's coworkers in your marital problems! It's completely inappropriate, makes them uncomfortable, and makes you look bad. Plus, they're going to talk to him, and he will be furious that you check up on him like he's a misbehaving child.

You need to have a discussion with your husband about boundaries. You need to describe *specific* actions that make you uncomfortable or cross your line. Touching, massaging, etc. If he doesn't see a problem with these actions, you have a decision to make. Do you want to (a) drag him to marriage counseling to negotiate boundaries with professional help, (b) leave if you can't live with his loose boundaries, or (c) stay and accept that he will always be this way.

I’ve actually worked with some of his co workers back when I was in college, some of us went to the same college so we know each other, it’s not just “his colleagues “ 

But yes, I do agree I need to stop trying to keep tabs. 

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Cocolemon said:

He says their sex life is amazing because there’s nothing she doesn’t try and that it turns him on knowing she flirts with other guys, but she’s coming home to him. 

See how no good deed goes unpunished?

[Cocolemon]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

See how no good deed goes unpunished?

Now both of them will have a laugh over me, just fabulous. 
 

 

[S2B]

Did you book a counseling appointment? At least your H recognizes the M could use some work.

[Cocolemon]

28 minutes ago, S2B said:

Did you book a counseling appointment? At least your H recognizes the M could use some work.

I haven’t yet, I will on Monday. I’m glad he is now respecting my wishes. Just feel like he should have come to me about our marriage problems instead of acting single at work.

 

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, Cocolemon said:

Just feel like he should have come to me about our marriage problems instead of acting single at work.

He just flipped the narrative, now it is not about him being inappropriate and him maybe having an affair with this woman, now it is YOUR fault...
be careful.

Edited December 3, 2020 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

I told her husband. He just looks at me and says, “yeah, that sounds like her”

I was expecting him to side with me on how inappropriate this is.

I had to express that it bothers me and that I want him to stop. That’s when he agreed, but says we need to work on our marriage. 

Agree marriage therapy would help you. Trying to gather up a jury against your husband from his coworkers to their spouses indicates some serious marital and communication problems.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

I was not expecting this at all, I was expecting him to side with me on how inappropriate this is. Now I feel I’ve raised commotion over nothing and I look stupid.

You don't need to feel that way. Clearly this couple has VERY different boundaries than you do.

Her husband is fine with her flirting but YOUR husband got sucked into it. For years and years, apparently.

While not intercourse, leg massages and lap sitting are forms of physical intimacy.

You'll have to make your own decisions. If I was in your situation I would be likely to insist my partner end the friendship and get a new job. If not there would be consequences. But that's just me.

[Cocolemon]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

You don't need to feel that way. Clearly this couple has VERY different boundaries than you do.

Her husband is fine with her flirting but YOUR husband got sucked into it. For years and years, apparently.

While not intercourse, leg massages and lap sitting are forms of physical intimacy.

You'll have to make your own decisions. If I was in your situation I would be likely to insist my partner end the friendship and get a new job. If not there would be consequences. But that's just me.

He is saying she did the same with other men at work and that he wasn’t massaging her in intimate places only her lower legs (she wears skirts at the office not pantsuits ) and shoulders. Not sure if that’s him deflecting the blame off himself or if she is just the office you know what. 

I won’t ask him to change jobs because flirtatious women looking for male attention are a dime a dozen he’ll just do the same thing with someone else at a different place, the issue is him not caring about personal boundaries and I don’t think it’s my job to police him, he should just not wish to do that because he loves me. I definitely don’t have male friends I get physical with, that’s because I love him, I want someone to feel the same for me. Unfortunately he isn’t this man. 
 

I was going to go to therapy on Monday with him, but now I think we are better off going our  own ways. He is 46, he won’t change his personality at this age, and I don’t accept him as is.

 

 

[mark clemson]

4 minutes ago, Cocolemon said:

 I think we are better off going our  own ways

Fair enough. While I never recommend divorcing, it's also true that many folks find themselves in situations where they can't bear to stay for one reason or another. I don't think anyone would really blame you.

Possibly the prospect of actual and imminent divorce will knock some sense into him. I guess you'll have to see. IF that happens and you can bear to stay, some serious discussion about boundaries would be in order.

[zouzbd]

Dear , 

It took you around couple of dozen of posts to admit that there is a problem in your marriage that is not only the existance of another woman ; I am not blaming you , but you need to focus :

-forget about the woman right now .

-your husband admitted that he is not satisfied with sexlife currently existed between you guys ; to my estimate (hope I am wrong); it is not the first time he mentioned it to you before ; is is true ?

did you ignore his needs and made him feel taken granted ?ie you won't do any sacrifice fotr him .

 

maybe also before that , he also made you feel taken granted because he doesn't help much in chores ?

 

is above true ?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Cocolemon said:

I as going to go to therapy on Monday with him, but now I think we are better off going our  own ways. He is 46, he won’t change his personality at this age, and I don’t accept him as is.

Go to marriage therapy. There are so many issues besides the office flirting.

Your obsession with that seems to have drowned out many of the underlying intimacy, communication and power struggles problems.

You are reading broad based infidelity advice, replete with infidelity memes such as "make him quit his job",etc. Keep in mind this is not professional advice. 

Divorce is something you need to carefully deliberate as an option.

It's interesting that this flirtatiousness suddenly became monumental in your mind the same time his niece is moving in.

Yet you claim he's always been this way and this co-worker has been around 14 years.

Try the therapy first. Tell him you do not want the niece moving in have caring for her foisted on you.

Edited December 4, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, zouzbd said:

-your husband admitted that he is not satisfied with sexlife currently existed between you guys

Where does it say that?