Did he ever really love me?

[SS2855]

28 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I've been struggling lately with some stuff, and my husband said to me last night: There's a reason they tell you on the airplane to put your own mask on first. You have to take care of yourself first in order to be healthy for others. Bailey has some good points here.

And yes, you can get to indifference. In my case xAP was gone after d-day. I never have seen or spoke with him. Yet it was difficult, despite the fact I was going through the aftermath of a d-day, to get him out of my head. I just kept moving forward with (as my kid's teacher says) retraining my brain. I didn't focus on the "good" times, I focused on the negatives. Which, in turn, took away anything I saw with the rose-colored glasses. And with time, any feelings or thoughts I had for xAP faded away and turned into indifference. Was it easy? No, especially at first, but it was worth it.

How long were you together in the A? Do you feel you’ve completely moved past it? And how long has it been?

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

How long were you together in the A? Do you feel you’ve completely moved past it? And how long has it been?

The A was about a year, on and off. My d-day was almost 11 years ago and I've completely moved past xAP. As for the A, I am always trying to learn and grow as a person so that's why I'm still here all these years later. I believe there is always more work to do on oneself.

I will throw out there one thing I realized at some point. In the weeks after d-day, I found myself thinking of xAP more. And I was like, why am I doing this?? I realized that I was thinking of him and the "good" times in order to escape the reality of my life. At that time, I was dealing with the consequences of my choices and the pain and anger of my husband. It was (to put it lightly) not a good scene. And I see that behavior a lot here. People focusing on xAP and things with xAP in order to avoid focusing on healing themselves. Yeah, it's hard and it sucks to look at oneself after making unhealthy choices, and figure out a way to move forward. It's a lot easier to focus on someone else's issues and try to solve them remotely. But by doing that, one is just kicking the can down the road. That's why I encourage people to focus on themselves and not why AP did what they did. Use one's mental energy to strengthen one's own power, don't send it into a black hole of whys.

I hope this helps in a small way.

[SS2855]

21 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

? I realized that I was thinking of him and the "good" times in order to escape the reality of my life.

This. I’m in the middle of separation with an imminent divorce. My spouse has mental illness so I’m struggling ending things legally as the guilt is tremendous. So perhaps this hurts all the more because the affair was my escape for the last couple years, and now I have to deal with reality and life. Of course in my head I think that ex-AP is happy as a clam living his normal life (though he says otherwise) and here I sit faced with an ugly mess ahead. But as you say my feelings for AP are strong likely because of other factors- not him per say. My brain wants to say it’s him I’m wanting so bad but I know it’s more likely what he represented to me.

[SS2855]

25 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I hope this helps in a small way.

Tremendously.

[SMoore]

Yep, good advice here.

Remember that romantic / exclusive love has an opposite - hate.  They are two sides of the same thing.  True love is unconditional and universal, and has no opposite.  If you find yourself hating that’s a good sign that your love was coming from the wrong place - a grasping, fearful place.
I felt anger at my exAP too, but really it was a tantrum at fate because I couldn’t accept life as it really was.
Go NC.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  I’m 6 months with mine and she’s practically 100% out of my life.  There’s a tiny chance I’ll run into her one day but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Things feel a lot different now, especially recently.  I now catch myself when I realise I’ve gone an hour or two and I haven’t thought of her once!  And when I do think of her, it’s the same old boring loop rather than fresh agony.  It was hell on Earth for a long, long time, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel!
You can do this.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, SMoore said:

Yep, good advice here.

Remember that romantic / exclusive love has an opposite - hate.  They are two sides of the same thing.  True love is unconditional and universal, and has no opposite.  If you find yourself hating that’s a good sign that your love was coming from the wrong place - a grasping, fearful place.
I felt anger at my exAP too, but really it was a tantrum at fate because I couldn’t accept life as it really was.
Go NC.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  I’m 6 months with mine and she’s practically 100% out of my life.  There’s a tiny chance I’ll run into her one day but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Things feel a lot different now, especially recently.  I now catch myself when I realise I’ve gone an hour or two and I haven’t thought of her once!  And when I do think of her, it’s the same old boring loop rather than fresh agony.  It was hell on Earth for a long, long time, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel!
You can do this.

Only parents can't truly have unconditional love for their children,  all other love is conditional.

I think you're talking selfless vs selfish.  Most affairs are selfish,  and based solely on what the person does for you. What that person represents.  

Toxicity is more Bonding than selfless love because its an addiction that offers small pockets of euphoria that one is willing to trade thier souls to get.

I think if people could think of these things in its true light they would be much easier to overcome. There is the problem......seeing it in its true light means facing the F'ed up stuff ones done to get there...every one wants to be the hero in thier stories,  right? Even when they are a self sabotaging destructive villain. 

 

[SMoore]

There is no good or bad, but thinking makes it so.  Or something along those lines.

Mostly agree with your post.

We’re all just trying to get through s***.  And it’s possible to accept things and change and grow.  Don’t have to be a hero or a villain; that’s quite limiting and not a view of reality I recognise really.

And unconditional love I suspect is a thing.  Although I understand your point of view.

[DKT3]

What i mean by hero or villain is wayward spouses (particularly wives) tend to blame many things outside of themselves for the predicament.  Once they truly dig to the bottom of it they are 100% responsible.  It was choices they made along the way. 

Love is conditional and there is no greater proof then this website.  The divorce rate is more proof. 

Like anything knowledge is power. I think if people understood what truly motivated them its would be much easier to navigate through. 

 

 

[SS2855]

As the days past and I’m keeping busy it’s getting more a d more clear of why I chose the relationship and stayed- both marriage and affair. These things don’t just happen to us, or are about bad timing. It’s always a symptom of something else going on. I hate to sound so spiritual but I’ve now found myself, while missing MM, feeling more like I’m on a journey to be truthful not only to others but to myself. Tired of rug sweeping, tired of feeling not good enough when in my heart I know it’s not true. Don’t ever again want to feel like filler. I’ll miss MM to my bones but never will reach out or go back there. For the first time this weekend I feel present. At peace and just planning for a future life lived better and trusting that the heartache eventually will subside and healthier better pathways will open.

[lifeoflies]

On 11/30/2020 at 4:23 PM, SS2855 said:

He’s very pragmatic so I’m not surprised but genuinely heartbroken and wondering if he was just able to stop feeling (though he says otherwise) so quickly. Could I have been that compartmentalized in his brain and heart where he just naturally fell out of love or could turn off his feelings? It’s weird but I guess I just wish I knew if he was struggling with this like I am. We work together so it’s likely I’ll hear from him this week but don’t think I have it in me for a conversation even if work related. And for the record... I should have listened and ended this solely on my terms.

Compartmentalism, a skill many men have, makes it relatively easy for men to “turn off” feelings. In the end, why does it matter?  I’m sure he had feelings for you but he was able to turn them off. 
 

if “he says otherwise” believe him. 
 

[VD01]

On 12/1/2020 at 7:27 AM, DKT3 said:

In my time posting here, one thing has become do obvious that I kinda knew but didn't truly understand the depth of.  Women don't really seem to understand that for men affairs aren't W vs OW/MW. There is no need to drag the wife through the mental mud in order to have an affair.  There is no need or desire to disconnect from the W. 

Why is that important? Because when affairs end they simply go on with thier lives. Sure there may be moments that the OW/MW is missed. But honestly,  there are never the proitry, simply an addion too. 

Despite the words, they rarely have "future intentions" and are living in that moment during the affair,  and when I say that moment I mean when he is interacting with the AP.

OW/MW is rarely the end game, the confusion and pain you feel now will only be felt if his wife finds out. 

He had different goals with the affair. 

None of that means he didn't love you, or doesn't miss you, it just means he isn't struggling like you because you were never that close to his center. 

^^this

I realized this only now.

When they are in A with you, you may really feel loved and wanted because that is what they really feel. They are infatuated with you. You make them feel excited and in love again. You make them feel young amd and entertained. 

But once they got tired of you. Once they found someone else they can fall in love with then you're back as an extra. 

I never realized this before because in my mind if my husband cheated on me then I will leave easily, until I fell in love with a MM.

I have been reading threads in here and realized they all have the same pattern. Some lasts longer some only few months. But in the end they will never let their W get involve. They will hate you if you try to cross that line.

That's the power of marriage. Someone told me that when you get married, it's not just about the two of you anymore.  His and her family get tied up into it. Their circle of friends get tied up into it as well. They have history together that you are not involved, dreams they are trying to pursue. 

No matter how bored and sad they are in their M right now. Their W gave them that feeling of having a "home " so unless the marriage is extremely toxic they will not leave. That's why I never ever put in my mind that my MM will ever leave his W and choose me.

They love you during your affair, especially when they are bored.  But that's all there is to it.