Is it REALLY More Selfish to Have an Affair vs. Divorcing?

[mark clemson]

People seem to love to note how selfish cheaters are. They have a point - it IS selfish.

However, I wonder if, speaking generally, it's REALLY more selfish than divorcing, at least from the perspective of the cheater.

If you divorce, your partner goes through the emotional, financial, and lifestyle turmoil of divorce (as do you). Your children also have their family separate and go through the emotional distress that comes with that. Everyone's life is severely disrupted.

This must be contrasted with an affair. IF it is undiscovered, which IS after all the intent in most cases, no one's life is severely disrupted.

If it IS discovered, there will almost certainly be severe emotional disruption, especially for the BS. However, if there is no divorce, and the damaged marriage is rebuilt, there is (arguably) LESS disruption than there would be with a divorce.

If there IS divorce than the disruption to the family life is no doubt greater due to the emotional distress of the BS in addition to divorcing. However, it's not clear (and would presumably vary) as to how much worse it would actually be than a simple, straight-up divorce. Apparently people can get plenty negative and feel shocked, betrayed, etc with just that, cheating or no (just ask any divorce lawyer).

It seems like from an outcome perspective there is actually only ONE outcome where cheating is actually WORSE than just divorcing (discovery AND divorce). This must be weighed against the two less disruptive outcomes (discovery and reconciliation  and  no discovery). So you have a guaranteed major disruption vs. a "1/3 chance" of worse disruption and a "2/3 chance" of LESS disruption.

From that perspective, it seems like cheating is actually LESS selfish than just divorcing. 

Just wondering what people think of this perspective.

[DKT3]

More often then not Affairs lead to divorce.  So now on top of the issues within the marriage already you've added the betrayal. 

I personally asked my wife many years ago why didn't you just divorce me...she responded our marriage was never that bad....???

But more in lines to your questions,  I believe that infidelities don't go away when the wayward spouses stop cheating,  its like a small tear in your acl, its never heals on its own, it just gets worse. 

My observation with you Mark is you had a fairly minor incident (outside perceptive) and you're having a very difficult time dealing with it.  All signs that you are actually  a good dude, and your one of the few that has actually stepped outside of your core values.. On top of the issues, which don't appear to be getting better you now have this.

I guess the answer could be, yes, on the surface cheating and never getting caught could be better then divorce.....the issue is, it doesn't fix the problem. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by DKT3

[Woggle]

With a divorce you know where you stand but with an affair you are betrayed by somebody you thought you could trust. It is always better to know where you stand.

[Uruktopi]

I will not use the "selfish / generous" coordinate as if relevant.

Divorce MAY have it´s own dignity, even for the unloyal.

Betrayal don´t.

Edited December 1, 2020 by Uruktopi

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I agree with the other posters. In addition, I believe that once an affair happens, the person who had/is having the affair fundamentally changes how they look at and behave towards the BS. This is on top of the existing issues that led to the affair. So there is further downstream damage happening even if everyone is in denial.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

If you're not happy, offer your spouse the options of working on it, opening up the marriage, or divorcing. Lying and cheating is never a good solution. 

[Milly May June]

Divorce, no matter the circumstances, is hard. I know that i would have had issues to deal with post divorce from my ex-husband. Issues that are not affair related. But being a BS has put an extra pile of things that i needed to resolve ontop of the other once. To be betrayed alters your whole being. You doubt your self worth as a woman/partner (self worth goes down the drain) . You develop trust issues. You feel unlovable. Etc. Etc. I wish my post divorce healing did not include cheating. But i would still want to know if i was being betrayed. 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

...offer your spouse the options of working on it, opening up the marriage, or divorcing. Lying and cheating is never a good solution

None of these options are fun, all are hard and boring and no doubt involve a lot of yelling and shouting....
Not everyone is willing or capable of wanting to fix anything, open relationships for monogamists are hell and will likely end in misery and even divorce, and divorce itself may not be something either party really wants.
Having an affair on the other hand is easy and fun, it solves many issues and can be validating and confidence boosting...
Many given the choice. Easy or difficult? Choose the easy route.
All the negatives are usually due to being found out, or due to unmet expectations in those wishing to monkey branch..... 

[Ruby Slippers]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Many given the choice. Easy or difficult? Choose the easy route.

Of course, because those people are weak and selfish. In problematic situations, the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing to do.

[Prudence V]

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Just wondering what people think of this perspective.

My H’s xBW told him she was rather he was loyal than he was faithful. Him choosing to leave her “for another woman” was far worse to her than infidelity. When he told her of the A, she wanted him to stay. So to her, divorce was definitely worse than infidelity. 

She has a new BF now so her views may have changed in retrospect. 

[Prudence V]

57 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

Divorce, no matter the circumstances, is hard.

Depends if you’re the dumper or the dumpee. My divorce was a breeze. Took no time at all, involved no pain - OTC, it involved the cessation of pain. I’m a fan. 

[Amethyst68]

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

However, I wonder if, speaking generally, it's REALLY more selfish than divorcing, at least from the perspective of the cheater.

I must admit I don't really understand the point you're making here or wonder if I'm missing something. Of course it's more selfish for the cheater, they're diverting their energy, attention and often their finances towards an outside party to their marriage. It's not actually helping anything or anyone. The family is often neglected and the s taying for the kids argument is useless.  I've read so many cheaters admitting to being there physically with their children but neglecting them emotionally, having no idea what's actually going on in their lives because they're so invested in waiting in the next message from the AP. 

The very act of cheating is a selfish act.

Edited December 1, 2020 by Amethyst68

[serial muse]

I don't think it's accurate to say that having an affair, even if "undiscovered", doesn't cause serious disruption. As a BS, I experienced so much gaslighting and neglect and it really messed me up for a long time. Took a while before I was really able to be in a new relationship, even after I found out the truth. So...yeah, this is just not true. I think it's a think that wayward spouses do tell themselves, but it's a comfortable fiction. 

[Uruktopi]

Just now, serial muse said:

I don't think it's accurate to say that having an affair, even if "undiscovered", doesn't cause serious disruption. As a BS, I experienced so much gaslighting and neglect and it really messed me up for a long time. Took a while before I was really able to be in a new relationship, even after I found out the truth. So...yeah, this is just not true. I think it's a think that wayward spouses do tell themselves, but it's a comfortable fiction. 

applauses

[central]

Statistically, well over 80% (up to 94% !) of affairs are never revealed or discovered, so the odds of divorce or serious disruption are fairly low.  Many affairs that are discovered are because of significant unwelcome changes in behavior that lead to suspicion and investigation.

Are affairs selfish?  No doubt.  More/less selfish?  Well, it's all relative to the situation IMO.

Edited December 1, 2020 by central

[Amethyst68]

Actually stats I read stated that 39.2% of male cheaters said they eventually got caught and 48% of women. That's not counting the ones who confess.

 

[central]

Actually, reliable stats are particularly difficult to obtain on this topic, for good reason.  But either take on the stats indicates that over half get away with it.

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I guess the answer could be, yes, on the surface cheating and never getting caught could be better then divorce.....the issue is, it doesn't fix the problem. 

Thanks - to me it seems you're saying "sometimes" and pointing out that cheating won't fix existing issues in the marriage and may add some issues of it's own. Maybe I didn't fully understand your point, but I think those are all reasonable statements.

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Woggle said:

With a divorce you know where you stand but with an affair you are betrayed by somebody you thought you could trust. It is always better to know where you stand.

I think this sounds reasonable UNTIL you get to an actual divorce. I suspect in many cases a divorce ALSO feels like a betrayal. Particularly if they thought things were going well. You see this a lot on the S&D forum + it's part of why divorces sometimes get so hostile between the former partners.

I think there are some people who actually are (or actually would be) hurt less by cheating than by divorce, even when discovered. The cheater is (often, not always) choosing to remain in the marriage, unlike the divorcing person. In that aspect, the cheater is actually choosing the spouse rather than to be apart from the spouse.

Measuring "degree" of distress of a D-day vs. a divorce announcement is an impossible task and will vary a lot by specifics. However, I think there is truth to this in some cases.

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

I will not use the "selfish / generous" coordinate as if relevant.

Hmm. I respectfully disagree that selfishness isn't relevant to discussion of infidelity. It certainly comes up a lot in discussions here.

I DO agree that divorce can indeed have dignity sometimes. However, sometimes it turns into a load of crazy and vindictive behavior. While cheating is always unethical, there are those who can absorb the distress of a Dday relatively intact and "pick themselves up/dust themselves off". Not everyone goes into full trauma mode over it.

And divorce sometimes involves a LOT of deception, e.g. while one partner makes their plans to leave.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

offer your spouse the options of working on it, opening up the marriage, or divorcing.

I like your take RS, and (sans the open marriage aspect) give much the same advice to posters here frequently. It's the LOGICAL thing to do IMO. The issue is, I think it's not necessarily the least selfish thing to do, due to the disruption a divorce can cause to a family..

If working on the marriage was tried and doesn't work, folks are then faced with this decision.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Divorce, no matter the circumstances, is hard. I know that i would have had issues to deal with post divorce from my ex-husband.

Yes, you are (were) in the "worst case scenario" out of the 3 mentioned and no doubt it was very difficult. I don't think all people in that situation experience the same level of distress/trauma but certainly MANY do.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Not everyone is willing or capable of wanting to fix anything

A very good point. People can have health issues (including mental health) or simply take their partner for granted and have little interest in doing the "work" of improving things.

One's partner is unemployed and has chronic depression. Is it MORE selfish to cheat on them while supporting them financially than to just divorce and walk away, leaving them to (in some cases) fall through the cracks of the social support systems? For myself, I can see how this could become a difficult choice for some folks.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

 Him choosing to leave her “for another woman” was far worse to her than infidelity. When he told her of the A, she wanted him to stay. So to her, divorce was definitely worse than infidelity.

Precisely. It's not a shock that there ARE folks out there who think this way. Not to bash, because it was probably a very difficult marriage in his case, but one could say that by leaving, your now H made the more selfish choice.

[MsJayne]

I think it depends on the individual situation. In a relationship where there's no kids, so no one other than the couple who's going to be affected by the fallout of a divorce or separation, there's no excuse for having an affair because there's no good reason not to leave the unsatisfactory relationship, so it smacks too much of selfishness and calculated dishonesty, and even vindictiveness towards the SO.  In that situation it's a type of spousal abuse. But in situations where there's kids involved, and the couple actually get along OK but one of them has become unattractive to their partner for whatever reason,  if everything's absolutely discrete an affair can make an otherwise unbearable situation bearable. You can care for a spouse enough that you don't want to hurt them or break up the family, but also be so unhappy in the intimate relationship that you're going slowly insane, and in that situation an affair can actually help keep a marriage together long enough for the kids to grow up. But, once there's no kids involved, there's no excuse for it and it turns back into selfishness and dishonesty, and cowardice as well.  My partner has several mates, older men, who are seriously unhappy and resentful in their marriages, but they stay because of money.  I think in those situations maybe they all get what they deserve, the wife's a nagging old bat or a self-absorbed spending machine or a drunk, (or all three in the case of Tony 😬....), and the husband's too stingy to split the assets so he can live life in peace. Some of them have a mistress, and some are drinking themselves to death. If it was me I'd go with the mistress and feel no guilt.