Why do I crave attention from women so much?

[Joebloggs91]

Hi all, 

Currently going through a break up so have posted a few times but I always find it helps writing stuff down and getting advice off of people! 

I am looking for some advice on why I crave female attention so much. 

There is a common trend that I will meet a girl, we both engage in constant communication because I love the feeling of that attention I'm getting. Ultimately it has cost me the relationship because when it slows down (not sustainable to keep up that level of communication) I become insecure and question why they don't want to talk to me 24/7

Now I know the reason why I have pushed her away and why the relationship has ended but I am curious to know if anyone has had similar attention cravings when they meet someone?

When I am not with anyone I don't crave attention, it is only when I meet someone that I do!

Thanks in advance

[carhill]

How old are you and what is the longest period you've gone without 'the attention of a female'?

Young healthy guys will always be on the prowl for females to copulate with; sure we gussy is up with flowery terms but that's all it is, reproductive drive, if it weren't for sexual desire guys would be hanging with their male friends and family in general. Nature and evolution still drive us to replicate our genes. Once you've gone through that period and it isn't an everyday thing it's easy to see it for what it was.

[Negotaurus]

I've been like that and it's thanks to me not getting much love, care nor security when growing up. It's gotten better, life has given me some very good lessons and therapy is helping. But there was a time when I just so desperately wanted somebody to love me. I was willing to stay in toxic relationships, I was actively hurting myself and enabling others to hurt me. 

Think back to how you grew up, the experiences you've had. See if there is a pattern.

[Joebloggs91]

2 hours ago, carhill said:

How old are you and what is the longest period you've gone without 'the attention of a female'?

Young healthy guys will always be on the prowl for females to copulate with; sure we gussy is up with flowery terms but that's all it is, reproductive drive, if it weren't for sexual desire guys would be hanging with their male friends and family in general. Nature and evolution still drive us to replicate our genes. Once you've gone through that period and it isn't an everyday thing it's easy to see it for what it was.

I'm 29 so I guess the older I get the more pressure I put on myself to find someone? My longest relationship has been just under 2 years and that was about 7/8 years ago. Since then it has been lots of 6 months here 4 months there. Lots of starts but either I withdraw (after going all in at the start) or the girl backs out because it isn't sustainable 

Maybe I'm just not ready to settle down yet!?

[Joebloggs91]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

I've been like that and it's thanks to me not getting much love, care nor security when growing up. It's gotten better, life has given me some very good lessons and therapy is helping. But there was a time when I just so desperately wanted somebody to love me. I was willing to stay in toxic relationships, I was actively hurting myself and enabling others to hurt me. 

Think back to how you grew up, the experiences you've had. See if there is a pattern.

It's strange because I literally had the perfect childhood. Loved by both parents, great family life. I haven't had to deal with trauma or negative environments growing up. Nothing that I can think triggers it

The only thing was a failed football career when I was 16/17. Head was set that I would make it, but I clearly wasn't good enough. That rejection has always haunted me a bit which has perhaps carried over to relationships. I am so worried about being hurt that I seek clarity and reassurance 

[mark clemson]

Part of it's the neurotransmitter dopamine, part of it may be some form of insecure or avoidant attachment. You could consider getting a therapist to help with this issue.

Consider whether you are trying to turn yourself into "what you THINK you SHOULD be" to meet societal expectations vs. accepting what you are. That said, most people with healthy attachment styles (or lower "levels" of dysfunction in their attachment style) are able to maintain a LTR with a decent partner.

[basil67]

On 12/2/2020 at 1:05 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

It's strange because I literally had the perfect childhood. Loved by both parents, great family life. I haven't had to deal with trauma or negative environments growing up. Nothing that I can think triggers it

The only thing was a failed football career when I was 16/17. Head was set that I would make it, but I clearly wasn't good enough. That rejection has always haunted me a bit which has perhaps carried over to relationships. I am so worried about being hurt that I seek clarity and reassurance 

I don't know if you saw my post on your previous thread, but a childhood where you don't get exposed to adversity leaves you unable to cope with life's problems when you're an adult.    With your football career, did your parents keep you well grounded about your chances of not being selected?  Did you have a 'backup plan' for if football didn't work out?   When things went wrong or you struggled with stuff, were your parents actively comforting you, or did you learn to sort out your emotions by yourself?   

[Emilie Jolie]

On 12/1/2020 at 2:05 PM, Joebloggs91 said:

. I am so worried about being hurt that I seek clarity and reassurance 

You seem self-aware, which is a good start. 🙂

Have you thought of talking about this with a health professional? What you are touching on seems a bit deep-rooted, so it may be worth addressing of of this with someone who has the skills to steer you in the right direction? 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Joebloggs91]

On 12/3/2020 at 9:42 PM, basil67 said:

I don't know if you saw my post on your previous thread, but a childhood where you don't get exposed to adversity leaves you unable to cope with life's problems when you're an adult.    With your football career, did your parents keep you well grounded about your chances of not being selected?  Did you have a 'backup plan' for if football didn't work out?   When things went wrong or you struggled with stuff, were your parents actively comforting you, or did you learn to sort out your emotions by yourself?   

Hi Basil, 

Thank you for your advice - It is comforting reading.

My parents have always sorted lifes issues growing up. They have always done everything for me (I am not proud of this by the way!) Whether it being my dad fixing my car or putting a shelf up for me, they have always done everything for me! Perhaps that is part of the problem? I'm not sure. 

I will say one thing though. Nothing in life phases me other than relationships. I'm a police officer and see some terrible things daily but none ever phase me. I am a different person but I meet a girl who I like and boom, I can't function when I don't get the attention or reassurance that I crave! 

[Joebloggs91]

On 12/5/2020 at 6:57 PM, Emilie Jolie said:

You seem self-aware, which is a good start. 🙂

Have you thought of talking about this with a health professional? What you are touching on seems a bit deep-rooted, so it may be worth addressing of of this with someone who has the skills to steer you in the right direction? 

Hi Emilie, 

Yes, I have started some CBT with a professional to try and find the route cause. One session in so far! Still feel incredibly lonely though which I guess is normal. I have come off of social media too which isn't helping my loneliness! 

[Emilie Jolie]

40 minutes ago, Joebloggs91 said:

Hi Emilie, 

Yes, I have started some CBT with a professional to try and find the route cause. One session in so far! Still feel incredibly lonely though which I guess is normal. I have come off of social media too which isn't helping my loneliness! 

Glad to hear you're in the hands of a professional  

I too think the loneliness is normal - we are all impacted by what is happening around us, on top of whatever is going on in our own lives.

Also, maybe going off of social media, in a way, will help you focus on the real things around you? Like protect, nurture or fix the connections you have with the people you know in person? Personally, when I feel a bit blue, I go and sit at the bench by the water where I live - I find watching some form of nature really calming. You can try that? Even better, bring a good book with you, or something to listen to music on (NOT your phone!!). Just take a few minutes to chill and regroup. 

[Joebloggs91]

52 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Glad to hear you're in the hands of a professional  

I too think the loneliness is normal - we are all impacted by what is happening around us, on top of whatever is going on in our own lives.

Also, maybe going off of social media, in a way, will help you focus on the real things around you? Like protect, nurture or fix the connections you have with the people you know in person? Personally, when I feel a bit blue, I go and sit at the bench by the water where I live - I find watching some form of nature really calming. You can try that? Even better, bring a good book with you, or something to listen to music on (NOT your phone!!). Just take a few minutes to chill and regroup. 

I think you’re right about focussing about the things that are around me. I’m back in the gym now and overhauled my diet so I’m eating better. Have set myself some new goals too. 

I’m generally ok when I’m at the gym/work/ but when I’m by myself I struggle. I also struggle when I’m with people or I get a text from someone, just makes me sad that it isn’t her if that makes sense? 
 

I’m just frustrated that I threw something away that was actually going somewhere, all because of my own anxiety and insecurity’s. 

[Emilie Jolie]

Honestly, it looks like you're on the right path - self-care is so under-rated!

9 minutes ago, Joebloggs91 said:

I’m generally ok when I’m at the gym/work/ but when I’m by myself I struggle. I also struggle when I’m with people or I get a text from someone, just makes me sad that it isn’t her if that makes sense? 
 

That makes total sense! Welcome to Heartbreak City

9 minutes ago, Joebloggs91 said:

I’m just frustrated that I threw something away that was actually going somewhere, all because of my own anxiety and insecurity’s. 

Well, consider this being a positive learning curve - all of this will help you get better prepared for next time! You're just in the eye of the storm now, it'll gradually get better with time, until one day she will be someone in your past that you cared about. It'll all work out fine, you'll see

 

Edited December 10, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
spelling

[LuckyM]

I feel the opposite. When I had a GF I did not need her attention and actually had less conversation because we had little in common.  Without a girl I crave their attention because absence makes the heart grow fonder. But sometimes their talking skills are less than I or you hope for

Quality is better than quantity of words

[Hezza]

On 12/2/2020 at 12:05 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

It's strange because I literally had the perfect childhood. Loved by both parents, great family life. I haven't had to deal with trauma or negative environments growing up. Nothing that I can think triggers it

The only thing was a failed football career when I was 16/17. Head was set that I would make it, but I clearly wasn't good enough. That rejection has always haunted me a bit which has perhaps carried over to relationships. I am so worried about being hurt that I seek clarity and reassurance 

I tend to find this often comes from how you value yourself relative to your partner. Basically just Self worth. There is always a power dynamic in relationships. The best ones are when their is a balance. So this type of thing sometimes it can be an indicator of self esteem issues. Other times it can just be you over value your partner due to them being beautiful or successful. It can be something that only really manifests in romantic relationships. Guys often get this when dating really hot girls they deem to be out of their league. Guys are also often like this when young until they have at least one longer lasting relationship where they build and establish trust in that setting and also where they find out girls are just humans and aren't perfect and stop "pedastalizing" them like most did in our teens.

[dramafreezone]

On 12/1/2020 at 1:55 AM, Joebloggs91 said:

Hi all, 

Currently going through a break up so have posted a few times but I always find it helps writing stuff down and getting advice off of people! 

I am looking for some advice on why I crave female attention so much. 

There is a common trend that I will meet a girl, we both engage in constant communication because I love the feeling of that attention I'm getting. Ultimately it has cost me the relationship because when it slows down (not sustainable to keep up that level of communication) I become insecure and question why they don't want to talk to me 24/7

Now I know the reason why I have pushed her away and why the relationship has ended but I am curious to know if anyone has had similar attention cravings when they meet someone?

When I am not with anyone I don't crave attention, it is only when I meet someone that I do!

Thanks in advance

You're probably "craving" these women because you put them on a pedestal.  You have to ask yourself why this is, but when I used to put women on a pedestal, it's because I had low self esteem.  If this is the case for you, then this is what you have to work on.

Do you feel that you don't have much going for you?  That you're not good looking enough, smart enough?  What do you want to do in life?  Do you have a passion?  If so, start to put your energy into that.  I believe every man has to have a passion.

Also, don't want to go off on too much of a tangent, but a lot of our social programming devalues men and idealizes women.  Look at how many TV shows make the men look like bumbling idiots, or deceitful, or weak.  The reality is that women are not any worse or better than you.  Women have insecurities.  They poop, fart, hawk loogies and all of that stuff that men do.  They are not perfect little angels, they're just people.   The sooner you realize this and the sooner that you accept your own insecurities, find your purpose in life and realize that you have great value, the sooner that this "craving" wil dissapate.