It's been a year of NC and I still miss my MM

[KaterinaVon]

He decided he needed to work on his marriage and told me we could still be friends. We met at the local gym, he ended up leaving that gym and now I don’t see him ever, he would text me here and there but it dwindled to nothing and he responded the times I’d reach out to him but it was always because I reached out, so I decided to stop reaching out to see if he’d text back, nothing, the last time we talked was august of 2019.

Why did he reciprocate my advances for years, only to turn around and say he needs to work on his marriage and he can’t continue to do this ? We don’t go to the gym and workout together anymore. We also didn’t have sex, it was only touching, kissing, and touching over and under clothes, in the car, never met anywhere but the gym because he didn’t want his wife to suspect. His wife is a dentist so she makes very good money, maybe that’s part of the reason he won’t leave, she gives him a comfortable life, he makes good money too as he owns a small business, but she makes more.
 

Does it sound like he picked up an affair with someone else ? Most of his friends are women and one in particular he had a similar liking to is working as a personal trainer at the gym he switched to. They have a teasing flirtatious friendship. She’s married though and just had a kid last year. But when I brought her up he said they’ve never been together and that he finds jealousy unattractive that’s when he said it’s probably best we didn’t talk so I could move on. 
 

I have a hard time believing he can quit cold turkey on an affair when he is a flirt. I just need closure or to stay friends even. I can’t think of never seeing him or talking to him again. Now I just feel used and alone.

 

[KaterinaVon]

He doesn’t have any kids with her so am not sure if he just felt bad and ended it or what. 
 

I did see him in the gym parking lot once but he never got out of the car and when he saw that I looked his way he started up the car and left. He never went in.

I also recently broke up with my boyfriend, we dated for about 7 months but my heart wasn’t in it. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by KaterinaVon

[RebeccaR]

There won’t be any closure that will satisfy you, unfortunately. He actually did you a favor by going full NC and not trying to reel you back in. I would take his word for it about both the jealousy and his marriage, and definitely don’t reach out to him for closure. Are you married?

[KaterinaVon]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

There won’t be any closure that will satisfy you, unfortunately. He actually did you a favor by going full NC and not trying to reel you back in. I would take his word for it about both the jealousy and his marriage, and definitely don’t reach out to him for closure. Are you married?

I was married when we first met, but my marriage had long been going south and I had filed for divorce, but at the time we met I was still married just going through the process of divorce. I was not looking to get involved with anyone and I was married but my divorce had nothing to do with MM. 

For most of our relationship I was single. I’ve also recently come out of a relationship I had for 7 months but wasn’t feeling it. 

[trident_2020]

Why did he ghost you after telling you that he wanted to work on his marriage?

Probably because he wanted to work on his marriage.

When  you get involved with a guy who is married to another woman there's going to be a lot of competition mainly from the woman he exchanged lifelong vows with, with whom he shares a bed every night.

 

[KaterinaVon]

8 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Why did he ghost you after telling you that he wanted to work on his marriage?

Probably because he wanted to work on his marriage.

When  you get involved with a guy who is married to another woman there's going to be a lot of competition mainly from the woman he exchanged lifelong vows with, with whom he shares a bed every night.

 

But if he exchanged vows and shares a bed every night with her, why cheat on the regular for years behind her back ? He told me he cared about her but wasn’t in love, I believe it because he was cheating on her. 
 

I’m just lonely for communication with him, we got along well. 
 

 

[trident_2020]

Just now, KaterinaVon said:

But if he exchanged vows and shares a bed every night with her, why cheat on the regular for years behind her back ? He told me he cared about her but wasn’t in love, I believe it because he was cheating on her. 
 

I’m just lonely for communication with him, we got along well. 
 

 

Because he's dishonest, deceptive, unreliable, manipulative, selfish and unpredictable.

That's for starters.

I get that you're lonely. The online dating community is chock filled with single people that are lonely just like you are.

 

 

[KaterinaVon]

44 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Because he's dishonest, deceptive, unreliable, manipulative, selfish and unpredictable.

That's for starters.

I get that you're lonely. The online dating community is chock filled with single people that are lonely just like you are.

 

 

Online dating is a box of chocolates, you don’t know what you’ll get, and you have to market yourself like a product or job interview, the entire process is off putting.

I specifically miss him because he was someone I knew and spend time with. I guess I haven’t lost all hope of losing him forever yet. 
 

He is all the things you mentioned but in his mind he was trying his hardest. Not sure what I can say here without having my comment removed but,  I remember him being um.. solid, and not wanting to take it further on more occasions than I can count, so he was trying to stay faithful, he just couldn’t stay away and neither could I. 
 

I was thinking back on the time I saw him in the gym parking lot and him seeing me and driving away, he was trying to get a glimpse of me thinking I wouldn’t notice. But he has stayed no contact for over a year and hasn’t come to see me. Just crushed. 

[Bittersweetie]

You are never going to know why he did the things he did. All you can do is focus on your own actions and reactions. Focusing on him and the whys is, frankly, a waste of mental energy. How do I know? I spent years, over a decade, wasting precious energy on why someone I cared about hurt me so badly. Do you think that if you understand why he did what he did, the pain will go away? That's what I thought too. But it just meant I held on to things longer than was good for me. It's been a year, and it's almost a New Year: decide to let go of xMM's whys and move forward in a healthy and more productive way. Good luck.

P.S. Maybe you holding on to these why thoughts is part of the reason you "weren't feeling it" with the boyfriend. How can you invest feelings into a new someone when you are still holding on to feelings and thoughts of a past relationship?

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, KaterinaVon said:

But if he exchanged vows and shares a bed every night with her, why cheat on the regular for years behind her back ? He told me he cared about her but wasn’t in love, I believe it because he was cheating on her.

Not everyone has the stomach for divorce. It's no cup of tea.

 

4 hours ago, KaterinaVon said:

 I just need closure or to stay friends even. I can’t think of never seeing him or talking to him again. Now I just feel used and alone.

Ultimately, closure comes from within. It can take a lot longer than we'd like, unfortunately, but you WILL get there eventually. Given his apparent firm resolve on the situation to either work on the marriage or go for an OOW, I agree he is doing you a favor with NC, although it probably doesn't particularly feel like it.

Loneliness probably isn't helping, so see what you can do to be together with people, even platonically (safely during COVID).

The real problems will start IF he reaches out to you when you're almost over him and retriggers everything. Hopefully that won't happen.

[KaterinaVon]

I’m just feeling my feelings and going through the motions. 
 

We haven’t spoken since august 2019, I’ve dated since then to get him out of my head, but all I end up doing is wishing it was him there with me instead of who am seeing. 
 

It’s a natural process that has to happen in where you gradually lose all interest. 
 

Right now, I’d like to go back or move forward to a time when I’ve met someone else I’m crazy about.

 

[Amethyst68]

Honestly it sounds like his wife has found out something has been going on. Maybe not the extent or who with but that he was acting inappropriately and now she has issued him an ultimatum. Or she may have gotten fed up of being neglected and he's realised he may lose her and his marriage. 

Who knows what really goes on in someone else's marriage. 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, KaterinaVon said:

I guess I haven’t lost all hope of losing him forever yet. 

I don't mean to be cruel, but I think you need to hear this.....you never had him in the first place, so you cannot "lose him forever".  You've been dismissed and you aren't accepting it as truth because it changes the whole context of your involvement with him. It goes from being a Barbara Cartland bodice-ripping romance between star-crossed lovers to a seedy, hole-in-the-corner liaison between two lost people. As long as you cling on to the belief that he had feelings for you, you can avoid the truth of the matter which is that you were used as a distraction until he got bored with you. You have to stop romanticising what is just a common garden variety flirtation, nothing special or meaningful about it at all, you have been used. You have to pick yourself up, dust off, and learn the lesson, so that next time a MM looks your way you'll have the experience to spot him for the creep he actually is. You say online dating is off-putting, but mooning around after someone else's husband, especially someone else's husband who has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you, is OK? 

[Bonifidelifelover]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I don't mean to be cruel, but I think you need to hear this.....you never had him in the first place, so you cannot "lose him forever".  You've been dismissed and you aren't accepting it as truth because it changes the whole context of your involvement with him. It goes from being a Barbara Cartland bodice-ripping romance between star-crossed lovers to a seedy, hole-in-the-corner liaison between two lost people. As long as you cling on to the belief that he had feelings for you, you can avoid the truth of the matter which is that you were used as a distraction until he got bored with you. You have to stop romanticising what is just a common garden variety flirtation, nothing special or meaningful about it at all, you have been used. You have to pick yourself up, dust off, and learn the lesson, so that next time a MM looks your way you'll have the experience to spot him for the creep he actually is. You say online dating is off-putting, but mooning around after someone else's husband, especially someone else's husband who has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you, is OK? 

Extremely well put! 

[KaterinaVon]

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I don't mean to be cruel, but I think you need to hear this.....you never had him in the first place, so you cannot "lose him forever".  You've been dismissed and you aren't accepting it as truth because it changes the whole context of your involvement with him. It goes from being a Barbara Cartland bodice-ripping romance between star-crossed lovers to a seedy, hole-in-the-corner liaison between two lost people. As long as you cling on to the belief that he had feelings for you, you can avoid the truth of the matter which is that you were used as a distraction until he got bored with you. You have to stop romanticising what is just a common garden variety flirtation, nothing special or meaningful about it at all, you have been used. You have to pick yourself up, dust off, and learn the lesson, so that next time a MM looks your way you'll have the experience to spot him for the creep he actually is. You say online dating is off-putting, but mooning around after someone else's husband, especially someone else's husband who has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you, is OK? 

I guess feelings can blind us, although am not too blind. I do understand him cheating on his wife even though no sex occurred is wrong. 

Perhaps for him it was an ego boost ? When we met at the gym he approached me while I was working out, no wedding ring, he got to talking and later flirting back and forth, it wasn’t until about three months later that he mentioned his wife. I told him, but you don’t wear a wedding ring and why flirt with me if you are married, he said, he didn’t like working out and lifting weights with his ring because it got in the way and he didn’t want to get it sweaty, he only wears it at work, going out and at home, not when he goes camping or working out. Then he said he likes me so he flirted with me, but that he didn’t want to lead me on, that he had a wife. By then we had gotten close, my feelings were invested. Later he said he felt bad, he stopped coming to the gym as often avoided me, but then he came up to me to talk and apologize and that he couldn’t just not see or talk to me again, but that we needed to stop touching each other and flirting. 
 

I admit I was in love with him by then, so this was heartbreaking, I told him to just leave me alone, he stayed away for about a week and then one night I was leaving the gym and he pulls me into his car, scared the crap out of me, and started kissing me. It’s hard to say no when you want someone and their mouth is on you, you don’t want to say no. I was single so he occupied my thoughts as at this time he was the only person I was with. Some people you just feel a spark with, he was that person for me.

I get he is gone now and We’ve had no contact for over a year. I’d like to meet a man I can have a spark with who isn’t a cheater and a liar, but that’s easier said than done. It’s not just about how I feel about someone is also about how they feel about you. It’s rough.

[BaileyB]

That’s dating - it’s rough. 

There are a lucky few for whom it seems to happen easily... they find their partner at a young age, and life moves on from there...

For the rest of us, it’s no picnic. It gets even more complicated when you chose to “date” a married man. 

You fell for the textbook, “I care about my wife, but I’m not in love with her...” line. He told you this because you likely wouldn’t have sex with him if he told you he was happily married. For whatever reason, he was looking for “something more” and he lied to you to get it. You are hung up on the fantasy of this man/this relationship... because if you looked at the situation realistically, you would see that he is no prize and this is not how a healthy relationship starts. 

The heart wants what the heart wants... but now, it’s time to use your head. 

It seems to me like you like a man in your life, you tend to jump from one relationship to another. Some time to be single and the opportunity to turn your focus inward is probably not a bad thing... Good luck!

Edited December 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[KaterinaVon]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s dating - it’s rough. 

There are a lucky few for whom it seems to happen easily... they find their partner at a young age, and life moves on from there...

For the rest of us, it’s no picnic. It gets even more complicated when you chose to “date” a married man. 

You fell for the textbook, “I care about my wife, but I’m not in love with her...” line. He told you this because you likely wouldn’t have sex with him if he told you he was happily married. For whatever reason, he was looking for “something more” and he lied to you to get it. You are hung up on the fantasy of this man/this relationship... because if you looked at the situation realistically, you would see that he is no prize and this is not how a healthy relationship starts. 

The heart wants what the heart wants... but now, it’s time to use your head. 

It seems to me like you like a man in your life, you tend to jump from one relationship to another. Some time to be single and the opportunity to turn your focus inward is probably not a bad thing... Good luck!

I think perhaps I don’t miss him, instead I miss the feelings of being in love and spending time with them. That’s what I miss. I’m aware he lied and cheated, perhaps cheating on her still. 
 

I have tried to find the feeling by dating others, but it wasn’t there. I think you said it best, the heart wants what it wants, problem is the heart doesn’t always want what’s best for you. 
 

If only everyone can find their better half, but I guess it wouldn’t be called life  if it was that simple

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, KaterinaVon said:

I guess feelings can blind us, although am not too blind. I do understand him cheating on his wife even though no sex occurred is wrong. 

Perhaps for him it was an ego boost ? When we met at the gym he approached me while I was working out, no wedding ring, he got to talking and later flirting back and forth, it wasn’t until about three months later that he mentioned his wife. I told him, but you don’t wear a wedding ring and why flirt with me if you are married, he said, he didn’t like working out and lifting weights with his ring because it got in the way and he didn’t want to get it sweaty, he only wears it at work, going out and at home, not when he goes camping or working out. Then he said he likes me so he flirted with me, but that he didn’t want to lead me on, that he had a wife. By then we had gotten close, my feelings were invested. Later he said he felt bad, he stopped coming to the gym as often avoided me, but then he came up to me to talk and apologize and that he couldn’t just not see or talk to me again, but that we needed to stop touching each other and flirting. 
 

I admit I was in love with him by then, so this was heartbreaking, I told him to just leave me alone, he stayed away for about a week and then one night I was leaving the gym and he pulls me into his car, scared the crap out of me, and started kissing me. It’s hard to say no when you want someone and their mouth is on you, you don’t want to say no. I was single so he occupied my thoughts as at this time he was the only person I was with. Some people you just feel a spark with, he was that person for me.

I get he is gone now and We’ve had no contact for over a year. I’d like to meet a man I can have a spark with who isn’t a cheater and a liar, but that’s easier said than done. It’s not just about how I feel about someone is also about how they feel about you. It’s rough.

Yes, an ego boost is exactly what it was. It makes me mad just reading about how he manipulated you, (I've been there so I know how it feels). The reason you felt that big spark with him is because that's exactly what he wanted you to feel, so that your adulation could feed that insatiable ego of his. Have you considered that perhaps much of what you're experiencing might be perfectly justifiable anger?  You've been denied the right to unload that anger on the person who caused it, so you get to carry it around with you, draining you and making it impossible to move forward and focus on someone new.  You have to see him for the ugly person that he is inside, feel some empathy for his wife, (if he actually has one, that could be his method of ridding himself of pesky women who took his empty attentions too seriously), and start to heal. Maybe while you're at the gym you should stick a picture of him on a punching bag and let rip. The good news is that you can meet someone else, there are millions of available, lovely men out there if your eyes are open to them.  

[kconleyk]

21 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I don't mean to be cruel, but I think you need to hear this.....you never had him in the first place, so you cannot "lose him forever".  You've been dismissed and you aren't accepting it as truth because it changes the whole context of your involvement with him. It goes from being a Barbara Cartland bodice-ripping romance between star-crossed lovers to a seedy, hole-in-the-corner liaison between two lost people. As long as you cling on to the belief that he had feelings for you, you can avoid the truth of the matter which is that you were used as a distraction until he got bored with you. You have to stop romanticising what is just a common garden variety flirtation, nothing special or meaningful about it at all, you have been used. You have to pick yourself up, dust off, and learn the lesson, so that next time a MM looks your way you'll have the experience to spot him for the creep he actually is. You say online dating is off-putting, but mooning around after someone else's husband, especially someone else's husband who has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you, is OK? 

Man I wish I had read this before my own situation, nails the aftermath so perfectly 

[Luna66star]

MM deliberately use tactics to spark an attraction in you.  By way of eye contact, giving you regular attention, making you feel special, giving compliments, smiling, flirting, etc.

When they ghost, you wonder what the heck happened!   My opinion is that these men target "nice, friendly" girls who respond to their attention.  A hook is made.  When you realize they aren't really interested in getting to know you at a deeper level, the alarm bells start going off.

It's all a game to them.  Who they can catch.  They reel you in on the fishing rod, play for awhile, then drop you like a hot potato! I hate to sound callous, but that's what MM do.  Let's face it, they aren't looking for a GF or wife.   We are their toys. 

Don't ever entertain the attention of MM.  You will spend your valuable time wasted on these types of blogs looking for answers.  

The answer is clear.  They are a complete waste of your time and they will add nothing positive to your life.  Take it from someone who has been there. 🤪

 

 

[jah526]

3 hours ago, Luna66star said:

It's all a game to them.  Who they can catch.  They reel you in on the fishing rod, play for awhile, then drop you like a hot potato! I hate to sound callous, but that's what MM do.  Let's face it, they aren't looking for a GF or wife.   We are their toys. 

Everything you said is true but this especially. Mine actually is a fisherman. He researches methods for catching fish. I can see those methods in use when he is trolling for women. The bait may be different, but the game is the same. 

And it definitely is a game. I remember him asking me once if I wanted to keep playing “our game”. I remember him saying “you love this game”. Psychopath.

[BaileyB]

On 12/1/2020 at 2:26 PM, KaterinaVon said:

Online dating is a box of chocolates, you don’t know what you’ll get, and you have to market yourself like a product or job interview, the entire process is off putting.

I don’t disagree but this guy who jerked you around for years and then left you is somehow the best option? You need to find something else to focus on, my friend. This has gone on far too long...

Edited December 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 12/18/2020 at 11:46 PM, jah526 said:

Psychopath

Sister, you've come a long way! 🙌🏆💎💜

Edited December 29, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
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