Why am I unhappy?

[Pelvis]

I’ve posted on the forums before about issues in my marriage. We’ve tried to resolve some issues but my feeling is that we’re back to square one.

My wife is having issues at present and for the past 6-9 months. Basically she’s been getting thrush/cystitis etc and often. It’s debilitating for her. As a result sex is off the table. She’s got drugs for this but with only some success. As of now there is now sex for her or me of course and she doesn’t want any touching. She has told me she has been good for a couple of weeks but doesn’t want touching.During this no sex period all affection has gone. Oral sex for me is gone and she’ll use hands on occasion. Anyway I understand that she is not in the humour for sex but it’s the lack of  affection that bothers me. I’ve told her we can still have intimacy- whether it be massages etc but she appears uninterested. Oral sex was never a problem before but now it doesn’t happen. She mentions pre menopause and I get it but sex aside why no intimacy or want for intimacy. Early nights are out. Another thing even when she does give me a hand job - she won’t even kiss me or put any real effort into it. She just lies there nearly half asleep etc

i don’t know - all things in our marriage are shared, 3 lovely kids, no monetary issues thankfully- a lot to be thankful for but I’d pay anything to really feel love and affection. I do try show her affection and give her compliments etc but I get nothing back. 

[Gaeta]

Your title ask why you're unhappy, I think you've got the answer to that. You are sex and intimacy starved. 

Ask to have a serious conversation about the situation with no distraction around. Tell her you love her and don't want to lose her but you are at your breaking point. She has a choice between you leave or you cheat. 

[Ellener]

14 hours ago, Pelvis said:

she won’t even kiss me or put any real effort into it.

She sounds very down, is this a new thing?

 

[Pelvis]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Your title ask why you're unhappy, I think you've got the answer to that. You are sex and intimacy starved. 

Ask to have a serious conversation about the situation with no distraction around. Tell her you love her and don't want to lose her but you are at your breaking point. She has a choice between you leave or you cheat. 

Yeah we’ve talked or at least I have asked many times in the past. It changes ever so slightly for a few days and then reverts to normal.

I’m unsure what should I expect in a relationship? I play my part equally with my wife. We both work hard for our 3 kids. Yet when I ask for effort in the relationship I get very little return. She has never tried to spice things up- no lingerie, she will never ask me to come down for an early night. She knows I’m up for it - whatever it may be (sex etc or a cuddle/massage etc) . She will watch tv every night. Little to no exercise. Unfortunately I’m the opposite, love exercising and being active, watch tv but would leave it if my wife was interested in doing something else. I worry about our future. I do get frustrated even when we are having sex as there is no consistency, variety, enthusiasm to have fun. Once she has her tv and phone - then I can wait . What do I do - I adore my kids. Why won’t she make some little effort to meet me in the middle. 

[Pelvis]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

She sounds very down, is this a new thing?

 

No - par for course. Only real change is she has stopped giving me oral. Can live with that but we don’t communicate about sex. She won’t tell me she’s able to have sex again. Can understand in a way - if things hurt then why would you but no chat even about it 

[Wiseman2]

Let her doctors handle her chronic infections.

Marriage therapy will help you unpack and sort out some underlying issues.

She seems bored and unhappy and  no longer attracted. That is not an infection issue, that's a marital breakdown issue.

The intimacy was falling apart long before these gyn problems,no?

You claim she drinks too much and goes out with friends too much and the marriage has devolved into roommates.

Check out Al-Anon. It seems like she's a problem drinker and that can contribute to just about everything you are stating from the low libido to the chronic infections.

It's hard to solve an overall much larger problem by looking at only this or that piece of the puzzle.

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Pelvis said:

I do get frustrated even when we are having sex as there is no consistency, variety, enthusiasm to have fun.

That is because to her, sex is not fun.
Resistant thrush and cystitis are no fun, but I guess giving you bJs or hand jobs is no fun either for her, so she has stopped doing it.
The lack of affection is due I guess to the fact affection leads to an expectation of sex, so she keeps away, the last thing she wants to do is turn you on and then have to actively reject you.. Same with the discussion of sex, she knows if she brings it up, you will then be chomping at the bit and expecting sex, so she doesn't mention it.
She does actually sound down and depressed, which is understandable as thrush/cystitis can be very wearing.
The problem is that sex will stir up the problem so I guess that is why now she is a bit better she does not want go down that road again... so sex is still off the table.
 

[Pelvis]

46 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is because to her, sex is not fun.
Resistant thrush and cystitis are no fun, but I guess giving you bJs or hand jobs is no fun either for her, so she has stopped doing it.
The lack of affection is due I guess to the fact affection leads to an expectation of sex, so she keeps away, the last thing she wants to do is turn you on and then have to actively reject you.. Same with the discussion of sex, she knows if she brings it up, you will then be chomping at the bit and expecting sex, so she doesn't mention it.
She does actually sound down and depressed, which is understandable as thrush/cystitis can be very wearing.
The problem is that sex will stir up the problem so I guess that is why now she is a bit better she does not want go down that road again... so sex is still off the table.
 

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your comment. I can understand this mostly but the part I don’t get is the lack of affection/interest etc when things are ok for her physically. I want to please her in any way she wants but she mostly is not bothered. Tv /phones will come before us getting closer as a couple. It’s not just the physical side it’s the other stuff holding hands, going for a walk together etc. She sits watching tv until she’s wrecked tired and then will come to bed always after me. Being honest I go a bit cold with her at times. Even when she will give me a handjob or something I just feel she’s doing it just to keep the peace. I feel a bit resentful at times. I see my life passing me by and I’ve so much to give in terms of everything but I just don’t have a willing partner. 
thanks for your comment 

[Pelvis]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let her doctors handle her chronic infections.

Marriage therapy will help you unpack and sort out some underlying issues.

She seems bored and unhappy and  no longer attracted. That is not an infection issue, that's a marital breakdown issue.

The intimacy was falling apart long before these gyn problems,no?

You claim she drinks too much and goes out with friends too much and the marriage has devolved into roommates.

Check out Al-Anon. It seems like she's a problem drinker and that can contribute to just about everything you are stating from the low libido to the chronic infections.

It's hard to solve an overall much larger problem by looking at only this or that piece of the puzzle.

 

Thanks for your comment.

I suggested counselling before but we didn’t do it. Yes there are many parts - why can’t it be simple. Libido mismatch is a problem but I’m willing to meet in the middle. I’m just looking for a small bit more from her side.