I Can't do THIS Anymore!

[Rainmkr555]

I need help. I can’t do this anymore. I think I have finally reached my breaking point. There is literally no escape for me from this situation. None. Zero.

I am being completely tormented continuously by this woman I work with who I had a FWB thing with for several years. I fell in love with her and I am basically infatuated and obsessed with her it seems.

She is in a serious relationship with someone else for almost a year now who she is madly in love with.

She is still very nice and friendly to me and actually very sweet and talks to me a lot. But every time this guy is mentioned.....it sends me into a rage and depression. I’ve told her to please not mention him again and she has been sympathetic to that and obliged but then something always happens, mostly me being too inquisitive, and she ends up mentioning him again.

The other night, this guy tagged her in photos on Facebook. They were photos of them together for Thanksgiving and his birthday over the weekend. I immediately became angry. This is the first time I’ve seen photos of them together.

He looks very different than me. He’s this big muscular looking guy who is 59 years old (I’m 40 and she is 49). Me on the other hand....I’m this skinny little nothing guy compared to him.

All these years I always thought that she was attracted to me. Even though she would say we don’t have chemistry for a relationship, it always made me feel good to believe that she was at least physically attracted to me. But seeing those photos made me feel sooo worthless and inadequate and ugly. And obviously I’m not her type and she was never attracted to me after all I guess....

But then why did she have sex with me a few times and a FWB relationship with me all these years????

I’m so hurt by her. And I honestly feel there’s no way out or escape for me from this nightmare. 

The ONLY thing that would make me instantly feel better is if she broke up with this guy and never talked to him or spoke to him ever again.

How can I get over this anxiety and pain? I desperately need help. I honestly cannot deal with this any longer.

Edited December 2, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[clia]

It seems like you are bringing a lot of this on yourself.

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She is still very nice and friendly to me and actually very sweet and talks to me a lot. But every time this guy is mentioned.....it sends me into a rage and depression. I’ve told her to please not mention him again and she has been sympathetic to that and obliged but then something always happens, mostly me being too inquisitive, and she ends up mentioning him again.

Stop being so inquisitive.  For that matter, cut back on your communication with her and limit it to a "hello," "goodbye," and only work related communication only.  You do not need to be friends with this woman anymore.  

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The other night, this guy tagged her in photos on Facebook. They were photos of them together for Thanksgiving and his birthday over the weekend. I immediately became angry. This is the first time I’ve seen photos of them together.

Unfriend her on Facebook and any other social media.

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I’m so hurt by her. And I honestly feel there’s no way out or escape for me from this nightmare. 

Stop being "friends" with her.   Unfriend her on social media.  Do things to keep your mind off her.  Get a new hobby.  Find a new job.  You are keeping yourself in her orbit, so much of this nightmare and torment is due to things that are in your control to stop.

[Voivoda]

So, in my opinion even friend with benefits is some kind of relationship. Due to the fact it didn't progress, either you missed your chance or she wasn't interested and she was filling a void. Obviously, you can't do much about the situation between them and if you are in pain I highly agree with the comments that Clia made. Cut all communication, change jobs if you must but you need to remove yourself from that place, so that you can start to heal. Distance yourself from her as much as possible and you can even tell her that, she will probably understand you

[elaine567]

I think calling her a FWB is a bit of an exaggeration... you had sex with her only three times in three years and the last time being in Dec 2016...
Have you sought  professional help for this obsession?
 

 

 

[Ellener]

@Voivoda is right @Rainmkr555 It's all very well this lady being sweet and nice and talking to you a lot, but it's not helping you move forward. 

 

 

[lee179108]

On 12/2/2020 at 2:51 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

I need help. I can’t do this anymore. I think I have finally reached my breaking point. There is literally no escape for me from this situation. None. Zero.

I am being completely tormented continuously by this woman I work with who I had a FWB thing with for several years. I fell in love with her and I am basically infatuated and obsessed with her it seems.

She is in a serious relationship with someone else for almost a year now who she is madly in love with.

She is still very nice and friendly to me and actually very sweet and talks to me a lot. But every time this guy is mentioned.....it sends me into a rage and depression. I’ve told her to please not mention him again and she has been sympathetic to that and obliged but then something always happens, mostly me being too inquisitive, and she ends up mentioning him again.

The other night, this guy tagged her in photos on Facebook. They were photos of them together for Thanksgiving and his birthday over the weekend. I immediately became angry. This is the first time I’ve seen photos of them together.

He looks very different than me. He’s this big muscular looking guy who is 59 years old (I’m 40 and she is 49). Me on the other hand....I’m this skinny little nothing guy compared to him.

All these years I always thought that she was attracted to me. Even though she would say we don’t have chemistry for a relationship, it always made me feel good to believe that she was at least physically attracted to me. But seeing those photos made me feel sooo worthless and inadequate and ugly. And obviously I’m not her type and she was never attracted to me after all I guess....

But then why did she have sex with me a few times and a FWB relationship with me all these years????

I’m so hurt by her. And I honestly feel there’s no way out or escape for me from this nightmare. 

The ONLY thing that would make me instantly feel better is if she broke up with this guy and never talked to him or spoke to him ever again.

How can I get over this anxiety and pain? I desperately need help. I honestly cannot deal with this any longer.

Shes in a serious relationship, you need to respect that and let it go.,.. find someone else, get dating...  dont go and wreck someone else's life and let them be. What happened in the past is the past... shes chosen to still be with the other guy so let them live their lives. If she wants you then she would have broke up with him and come to you... so leave it be and find someone else. 

[ShyViolet]

She's moved on and she is in a relationship with someone else.  It's unrealistic and unreasonable of you to expect her to never talk about someone who she is in a serious relationship with.  And your reaction of getting extremely angry whenever hearing about him is just not normal.  What gives you the right to get angry?  She can be in a relationship with whoever she wants.  She was never your girlfriend and doesn't owe you anything.  You really need professional help.  You need to get into therapy to work on these issues.  You have some very unhealthy and irrational patterns of thinking.

If there's any way you can cut ties with this woman and not see her or talk to her, at least not as much, that would be in your best interest as well.

[Cookiesandough]

She’s 👏 not 👏 into 👏you. 

[Rainmkr555]

Well she just got very angry with me and basically told me to let her go. And leave her alone.

Without you guys being too harsh, which I know some of you on here do all the time in your replies, if I truly decide to just keep things strictly professional with her at work. And act cool and restrained when I see her at the office. Do you think over time she would gradually gain respect for me again and maybe even miss talking to me on a personal level?

I know she’s never ever going to be with me in a relationship. But isn’t it possible I’ve just been smothering her so much over this situation that if I pulled back and completely stopped talking to her on a personal level, wouldn’t she maybe start missing our friendship?

[Voivoda]

On 12/12/2020 at 11:15 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

Well she just got very angry with me and basically told me to let her go. And leave her alone.

Without you guys being too harsh, which I know some of you on here do all the time in your replies, if I truly decide to just keep things strictly professional with her at work. And act cool and restrained when I see her at the office. Do you think over time she would gradually gain respect for me again and maybe even miss talking to me on a personal level?

I know she’s never ever going to be with me in a relationship. But isn’t it possible I’ve just been smothering her so much over this situation that if I pulled back and completely stopped talking to her on a personal level, wouldn’t she maybe start missing our friendship?

You've got this all wrong. The only way to gain respect is to work on yourself and clear your mind from any resentment. Based on your reply you want to put on some kind of professional relationship kind of act that she might start to like you again. No brother, you have to remove yourself from the whole situation and whenever she would like you again or not shoudn't matter to you. She has decided to be with someone else and have a relationship with that person and I can hardly imagine that you are okay being friends with her without any resentment towards the situation, otherwise you wouldn't have started with thread. You should put your energy on healing yourself and chase whatever goals you have in life and leave this toxic environment. Not sure whos quote this is but, "You want to be there where you are wanted"