My brother was never accepting of my partner

[WhirlWoolP]

I met my partner 4 years ago.   I'm just after realising, my brother was never accepting of my partner.  They only ever said hello in passing.   My brother has made no effort whatsoever to get to know my partner or welcome him into the family.  

Not only is there no in person involvement, there has been nil on social media.    I am friends with my brother on Facebook and he never once pressed like on any of my couple pictures.   The pictures of me and my partner are not pictures showing off.  They are organic couple pictures. 

My partners family was very welcoming of me and they were very good.  Not only that, I was browsing around on Facebook and seeing other friends Facebook pictures, many seem to get on well or at least posed for pictures together with their siblings partners.  

I don't usually place any emphasis on social media or the amount of likes I get but it's coupled with lack of in person involvement.   

My brother has not accepted my partner of 4 years, and its just after hitting me.   My partner has done nothing wrong on him for him to be shunned from my brother.  

 

This is causing me a great deal of upset.  Would you be upset in a similar situation?  There has been incidents where we could have managed to go to the local pub or eatery but there has been nothing from my brother.   Hello in passing once in a blue moon and that's it. No conversation whatsoever from him my brother. 

 

[elaine567]

Your brother for some reason just does not like him.
It may just be something about him that he doesn't like or your brother may have a good reason to dislike him.
Ask him.

[WhirlWoolP]

Me and my brother we used to get on well.  Over the past 5 years, not so much.  We haven't had a row and there wasn't a falling out that I can think off.   Definitely his personality changed somewhat.  I think he is doing drugs when he goes out with his mates.   He definitely smokes pot at home.  There's a pungent smell coming from his room most nights.  He has withdrawn a lot away from the family too. 

 

For him to do this to my partner though.  To some degree I could understand not having an involvement in person because sometimes life can be hectic with work schedules and it's a matter of organising time but it's coupled with not even one 'like' on Facebook with any couple picture. Not only pictures, there were some Facebook statuses too like holiday and flying and check in status - nothing liked by the brother. I just feel with all of these he hasn't accepted my partner. 

[WhirlWoolP]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Your brother for some reason just does not like him.
It may just be something about him that he doesn't like or your brother may have a good reason to dislike him.
Ask him.

My partner has never given my brother a reason not to dislike him.   My partner is very loyal and hard working.   There really is no reason in the world for my brother not to like him except for maybe perhaps judgemental crap on looks or whatever.   There's no other reason not to like him.  

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, WhirlWoolP said:

He definitely smokes pot at home.  There's a pungent smell coming from his room most nights.  He has withdrawn a lot away from the family too. 

Sorry to hear this. Your brother has issues that you can't change or fix. Do you all live at home? How old is he?

Keep in mind, your BF and your brother do not have to be friends or even like each other. All your brother has to do is respect the family and their choices, as long as he lives there.

Your BF likewise does not have to like, hang out with or be social media friends with your brother. When you try to force things like this, it will backfire. 

Talk to your parents if you  think he's using drugs in the house. That's the real problem.

Edited December 3, 2020 by Wiseman2

[WhirlWoolP]

My parents are separated. My mother can smell the weed most nights.  She's turning a blind eye and she's allowing it.  She's afraid of losing the only man in the house.  

 

I'm disappointed in the way things have gone.  My partner is a good man and he has given no reason for my brother not to like him.  I think it's also very rude from my brother, he could at least try to be friendly with him.   If not in person, the social media.  

I have 2 brothers who live abroad and they have been fantastic to my partner.  One of these brothers is now settled and my brother at home was highly welcoming of his partner.   It's hypocritical from my brother at home.  Turn on an acting game for one partner and ignore the other.  

[WhirlWoolP]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Your brother has issues that you can't change or fix. Do you all live at home? How old is he?

Keep in mind, your BF and your brother do not have to be friends or even like each other. All your brother has to do is respect the family and their choices, as long as he lives there.

Your BF likewise does not have to like, hang out with or be social media friends with your brother. When you try to force things like this, it will backfire. 

Talk to your parents if you  think he's using drugs in the house. That's the real problem.

I understand what you are saying, they don't have to get on or be friends with each other of they don't want to.   However, over the past four years since getting together with my partner, he could have pressed  'like' on some pictures.  That's not asking someone to be friends.   The fact that there has been nothing from my brother says my brother has completely shunned my partner.  My partner has done nothing to deserve that.  The brother could have pressed the 'like' button once in a while over the past few years.  

I can't believe my brother is like this. So wrapped up in himself with his head stuck up his own ass. There's no going back from any of this.  I feel its going to force me down the line of picking between the two of them - the partner or the brother. 

 

[WhirlWoolP]

I started dating my partner 4 years ago.  Ironically it was also about the same time my brother was also dating a woman.  

Over the next few more months, life at home definitely deteriorated. My brother was living at home and for a long time, he ws living as if nobody else exisited in his world as aside from his girlfriend.  It was actually a difficult time.  We were living under the same roof and our only relationship was one of passing in the hall before or after work.   

 

I though at the time it would have been nice to go out for dinner together but that never happened.  

 

I can remember my mother and brother having many rows during that time.  My brothers attitude stank from the high heavens.  Months went by with no conversation from him.  There was loads of criticism from him on the rare occasion that he did try to speak. 

My brother said to my mother a few times - the girlfriend thinks the mother doesn't like her.  That is what their rows were about many times.  That wasn't true.  There was no opportunity for the family to get together and get to know her. Every time he brought the girlfriend around, they went straight to the room and ignored the mother and also me.  Yet they wanted the red carpet rolled out and perhaps some sort of a dinner party around their bedside? I felt at the time that there was a wedge being driven into the family.  Our hands were locked.  The brother wanted us to be all about his girlfriend but when it came to it, there was no opportunity to get to know her.  

 

They have broken up now for nearly 2 years. Now I feel, if what my brother is doing is some sort of a punishment or revenge or something - the red carpet wasn't rolled out for the girlfriend so in his mind now - my partner can go and f himself.  

 

I'm disappointed and angry with the way things have gone.   My brother could have made some effort to try and get to know my partner of 4 years and try and have some involvement even if its on social media.

[WhirlWoolP]

The relationship between my partner and I, never had a rocky start.  We got on very well from the start.  My partner is a good man and we get on very well. There is no reason in the world for my brother to hate my partner.  My two other brothers accepted him and they were friendly with him. 

Edited December 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to deleted link.

[Voivoda]

You are speaking on the behalf of your partner and your brother. Until you have a civil conversation with him and ask him why he acts the way he does, you will only be guessing and so do we. Your parther might have been good to you, but might have done something to your brother and your brother hasn't shared it with you or he might see something about your parther that you don't, the possibilities are countless.

Talk with him and if he has no reason to dislike your parther, invite the 3 of you to go out and have a beer or something. Your brother might not even know that it bothers you, unless he has mind reading abilities.

[Watercolors]

25 minutes ago, WhirlWoolP said:

The relationship between my partner and I, never had a rocky start.  We got on very well from the start.  My partner is a good man and we get on very well. There is no reason in the world for my brother to hate my partner.  My two other brothers accepted him and they were friendly with him. 

I can relate to your situation. My siblings are closer to each other, and neither is interested in my life. When I've had boyfriends in the past, neither sibling every invited us out to socialize with them and their spouses. This is how it's been for the past two decades with my siblings. I've come to accept it and at the start of each relationship, I have to have that awkward conversation about "my siblings and I aren't close" to let the guy know he won't meet my siblings. Since those relationships have been short term it hasn't really impacted me emotionally like it did in the beginning. 

Since your mom is enmeshed with your brother "the only man left in the house" she will continue to allow your brother to be the couch pot-smoking couch potato that he is. But that is not your responsibility to fix. 

I think you need to accept the rejection from your youngest brother. You can't change him, his habts, or anything about his life. And you shouldn't try to. Just ignore him. Your other two brothers are supportive of your 4-year relationship and friendly to your boyfriend, so focus on those familial connections instead. That's all you should really focus on. 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry your brother's lack of interest towards your partner is upsetting you.  For me, as long as I am happy with my husband it doesn't matter what my family thinks or his for that matter.  I do realize some people need the approval of their family towards there love interest; but it's far better for your mental health when you don't.

[WhirlWoolP]

When my brother was dating his girlfriend, it would have been nice for us all to go out for dinner together but that never happened.  My brother was too wrapped up in her at the time to care about anyone else. 

They have been broken up since the spring of 2019.  I get breakups can be hard and maybe he never wanted or had the tolerance for spending time with a couple then. 

What's worse is that, one of my brothers best friends lives on the same road as my partner.  My partner and one of my brothers best friends are nearly neighbours.  His best friend there has a hut/shed that they meet up in.  What's worse is that me and my partner and my brother and his friends, we all frequently attend to the local pub and eatery.   So there has been plenty of times to meet up together.   There has been plenty of opportunities for my brother to be friendly with my partner and there has been so many opportunities to meet up together and there has been plenty of opportunities to try and get to know him on social media too.   

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, WhirlWoolP said:

I can't believe my brother is like this. So wrapped up in himself with his head stuck up his own ass. 

There's nothing to "choose", one is a brother you're stuck with , the other is your BF. If you can't stand him why should your bf?

[basil67]

Rather than personalising this as rejection of your boyfriend, look at the big picture.   He's a stoner, remote from family, has changed in a negative way.     Sounds to me like he's treating your boyfriend no differently to anyone else. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So, why do you care what your brother thinks? I mean it's nice if brother likes partner. But does brother pick your partners? Why is brother's opinion so important?

I'm not sure my brothers liked some of my partners, and in some ways that was a GOOD thing. It meant I was picking partners more mature than my sometimes immature brothers. 

[WhirlWoolP]

Thank you so much for the replies especially the last 2 replies.  I was having a hard day and it really hit me hard that my brother has shunned my partner.   

 

The last 2 replies definitely clears things up a bit and it's definitely helping at improving my mood and picking me up.   

[Wiseman2]

Have a talk with your mother and father separately, of course, about your concerns with living with your brother.

How old is your brother and why do you both still live at home?

This has zero to do with your BF.

 If your brother is bringing and using illegal substances into the house, both your parents should be made aware.

Even if it is legal, if his behavior is odd, disruptive or disturbing to you, the people to take this up with is your parents.

Don't drag your BF into this. This is a family problem, not a social media problem or your BFs problem.

[ShyViolet]

Why do you need your brother's approval?  Why are you so hung up on the fact that your brother is not "liking" your pictures of your partner on facebook?  Take a step back and ask yourself whether you really need to be so focused on these things.  You said that your brother is smoking a lot of pot and has withdrawn from the whole family in general.  So it sounds like he has issues that go beyond this.  It does not affect your life whether he is "liking" your pictures on facebook.  Let that go.

If he isn't best buddies with your partner and not showing an interest in hanging out and going out to the bar together, then that's his choice.  Live your life.