How to be happy in a committed relationship?

[_lovelycat_]

I would like to learn your opinions on whether a person can be innately unable to commit to a long term relationship even if s/he wants to be in a forever relationship?  I am concerned that I am one of these people if they exist. Alternatively, I may be doing something wrong that makes me unable to enjoy a relationship after 3 years of togetherness. If I identify this factor(s) that makes me the way I am, I may be able to succeed in developing a forever relationship.

 Here is how most of my relationships progress: I meet a man whom I like a lot and fall in love with him. We have an amazing relationship for about two years, and then my body gradually stops reacting to his affection the way it did before. Simultaneously, I start feeling unhappy, regardless of what we do as a couple. After being in this state of unhappiness for a while, I catch myself looking at other men and flirting with them. It gives me such pleasant adrenalin rushes. At this point, all the activities that I have been enjoying during the first two years of the relationship become dull when they are compared to the thrilling sensations I feel when I am thinking about dating a new man. Eventually, I get chronically depressed with the relationship I am in and break it up for an insignificant reason.  

I know there are people who do not want to be in committed relationship because they don’t want their freedom constrained or because they have not met the right person yet.  I do not identify with them because I would rather be in a committed relationship than by myself and I have been dating great men who gave me almost no reason to complain.

I broke up my last three years relationship a few weeks ago. It was the best relationship I have ever had. I wish I could save this relationship somehow. I believe he will give me another chance if I tell him I have found a way to be happy in our relationship and explain what I am going to do to be happy.

Any ideas?

[trident_2020]

You want to be in a committed relationship although  you don't state WHY you want to be in a committed relationship.

Being with the same person has its perks but it can also get a bit boring after a number of years and clearly that happens to you.

Some people aren't cut out for being with one person they crave the excitement of someone new and different and that's you.

 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like you just want this general idea of a "forever relationship".  Well you have to meet the right person.  It has to be about your connection with the person.  Just wanting to be in a "forever relationship" is not enough of a reason to stay with a person, if it's not working between you and the person and you are not happy.  How old are you?  I think you haven't met the right person yet.

This reminds me of when people say things like "I want to be married by the time I'm 30."  It almost sounds like they'd be willing to marry just anybody.  They are more fixated on this general goal of getting married than they are on their true compatibility and connection with the right person.  That comes along whenever it comes along.  

[_lovelycat_]

I want to be in a committed relationship because I love having a deep connection on all levels (emotional, intellectual and physical) with my partner. I don't think it is possible to develop such a deep connection without being in a committed relationship with the right person. It takes time, efforts, and a focus on your partner to develop a deep connection. People don't feel motivated to invest the time and energy into a relationship unless there is a commitment.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think everyone is cut out for long-term romantic relationships. They offer a number of benefits, but there are also certain compromises that have to be made. It's up to each person whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

We live in a time when women are better able to support ourselves financially than ever before in history - which means we have a lot more freedom and choice. Some women are overall happier being single, or having a non-cohabiting relationship where you date and maybe spend some days/nights at each other's places.

I always had the vision of marriage and family as my ideal. I've had many opportunities to do that, but in none of those relationships did I feel the benefits outweighed the drawbacks - it was always something. 

If you feel that the way you lose interest after the infatuation period is a problem, you might consider counseling or self-development in that area. 

[notbroken]

I don't believe this is about 'the right person' at all.   You are addicted to the NRE - new relationship experience.   It's exciting.  New.   You mistake that for 'true love'.  When the newness wears off you no longer feel as 'in love' no matter what, who, etc.   You see this a lot in Hollywood and elsewhere where people commonly get married 4+ times.   "Real love" is not necessarily the butterflies you feel when you first go out with someone.  You just can't expect that though some people will still claim they have it after 40 years of marriage, etc.  

Honestly, you are in a tough spot.   You'd have to change the way you look at love, loyalty, etc.   It is not all 'butterflies' and the dopamine you feel when a relationship starts.  It is about respect,  liking them as a person,  loyalty, comfort, etc.   Just a different phase of a relationship.  You have not learned that phase or those traits (and no offense - many people have not and you can see it in them when they divorce and remarry so many times).    Make sure you date someone you can respect, actually like deep down,  can do basic things with (ie. you still enjoy being with them when not on a fancy date), etc.   That will help, but ultimately it must come from within.   It may or may not be in you.  Sorry, but that's just the truth.    

[_lovelycat_]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

 How old are you?  

I am 41 y.o. Thank you for your thoughts. I do want a commited relationship with the right person, not just anyone, and I choose men carefully. After reading your reply, I asked myself "if the men I dated before were not the right partners for me, then what the right man could be like?" I cannot come up with an image of a man that could be better than the last one. For the two first years, everything was so perfect, I prayed this relationship would work out but it didn't. 

[ShyViolet]

23 minutes ago, _lovelycat_ said:

I am 41 y.o. Thank you for your thoughts. I do want a commited relationship with the right person, not just anyone, and I choose men carefully. After reading your reply, I asked myself "if the men I dated before were not the right partners for me, then what the right man could be like?" I cannot come up with an image of a man that could be better than the last one. For the two first years, everything was so perfect, I prayed this relationship would work out but it didn't. 

If your last boyfriend was the best relationship you ever had, and you can't imagine anyone being better than him, then why do you seem to be a lot more focused on the general idea of "wanting a committed relationship" than focused on the person?  

[_lovelycat_]

29 minutes ago, notbroken said:

I don't believe this is about 'the right person' at all.   You are addicted to the NRE - new relationship experience.   It's exciting.  New.   You mistake that for 'true love'.  When the newness wears off you no longer feel as 'in love' no matter what, who, etc.   You see this a lot in Hollywood and elsewhere where people commonly get married 4+ times.   "Real love" is not necessarily the butterflies you feel when you first go out with someone.  You just can't expect that though some people will still claim they have it after 40 years of marriage, etc.  

Honestly, you are in a tough spot.   You'd have to change the way you look at love, loyalty, etc.   It is not all 'butterflies' and the dopamine you feel when a relationship starts.  It is about respect,  liking them as a person,  loyalty, comfort, etc.   Just a different phase of a relationship.  You have not learned that phase or those traits (and no offense - many people have not and you can see it in them when they divorce and remarry so many times).    Make sure you date someone you can respect, actually like deep down,  can do basic things with (ie. you still enjoy being with them when not on a fancy date), etc.   That will help, but ultimately it must come from within.   It may or may not be in you.  Sorry, but that's just the truth.    

I agree with you on so many points. Having "butterflies" and feeling the effects of dopamine do not equal "true love". I do make sure I have respect and admiration for the man before I enter an comitted relationship with him. In 80% of the times, I continue to respect and admire the man even after the breakup. My relationships end not because the man has disappointed me, but because I become unhappy, and I know it is not his fault. When men start noticing my prolonged unhappiness, they usually make extra efforts to uplift me, to cheer me up, but nothing seems to work.

Maybe I am naive but I believe there must be a way to stay happy (at least most of the time) in a long term commited relationship. I just cannot figure out how to do it. 

An open relationship is not an option for me.

I wonder if there are members on this site who were in a similar situation and were able to overcome it. 

[_lovelycat_]

24 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If your last boyfriend was the best relationship you ever had, and you can't imagine anyone being better than him, then why do you seem to be a lot more focused on the general idea of "wanting a committed relationship" than focused on the person?  

I am not focused on him because I have analyzed him before. There is nothing wrong with him. The problem is in me and I am willing to develop myself. If only I could find out what to change in myself and how, I would do it. 

[snowboy91]

Sounds like you're someone who needs novelty in their life. Which is all well and good, but it obviously isn't compatible with the desire to be in a "forever relationship". Sure, it's something to aim for because it's what everybody does, and it's good to have for all those reasons and all, but as ShyViolet touched on, the "forever relationship" is a whole other person who you're likely going to get bored with based on what you know about your history of relationships.

Are there other ways to get novelty into your life, like new hobbies, friendships, etc? Or, within the context of a relationship, would it be enough to continually try new experiences with a "forever" partner? The latter requires a lot of work.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, _lovelycat_ said:

I wonder if there are members on this site who were in a similar situation and were able to overcome it. 

Over here, the rodent behind the cactus...  Yes, I dated around all of my life, but I was also nomadic moving around every couple of years.  Most of my relationships lasted 3-6 months and the long term ones ended at the two year mark.  Between being nomadic and liking "variety" in the women I dated, I wasn't a long term commitment kind of guy.  I also never wanted to get married and still don't. I have no problem with the label of commitment-phobe.

That being said... at about 46-47 I met the woman I have been with for almost 9 years.  I was almost 50 when I reached that 2-3 year mark (in our relationship) and just didn't want to start over at square one again.  I can only guess that I just finally got tired of hopping around from woman to woman.  I had "sowed my wild oats" and I guess I was ready to finally settle down a bit.

Moreover, I met a woman who also doesn't want to get married, as she went through a rough divorce and (never ever wants to get re-married to anyone) Which 100% works for me.

Feel free to ask me any questions... It appears we are both "cut from the same cloth", albeit different sexes.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

 

Very risky to assume you "should" feel committed to this guy. I can tell you I dated many people, pretty and impressive and smart, and I didn't want to commit. I spent hours agonizing about what my problem was.  It wasn't until later that I met someone that I got what it meant to REALLY like someone and to feel comfortable with somebody. Guess what?! I could commit!

You could be picking great people (I did), but picking great people does NOT mean you're picking people who are a good fit for you.

Or it may be the case that you don't have the skills to go through the process of forming and sustaining a deep bond.

You mentioned you get chronically depressed at a certain point in a relationship. If you're not setting good boundaries, you will get tired of being around someone. And depressed. Setting good boundaries means saying "no" a lot. (Every time you say "yes" to a partner when you really feel "no" is another rock building up  on the depression scale.) Setting boundaries also means not working so hard in the relationship. Setting good boundaries means over time revealing more and more of yourself and your real feelings and thoughts and not thinking so much of whether your thoughts fit with your partner's. Setting boundaries is also asking for what exactly you want in a relationship, and doing this is much harder than it might seem because a lot of folks are so used to censoring their desires in relationship. Setting good boundaries also means you are individuating and maintaining a life separate from this person. Hobbies that the partner doesn't engage in. You spend time with friends. You maintain a health separation which creates room and desire to come together. 

The biggest way to kill passion is to be in an imbalanced relationship that is focused on passion.  Another way to kill passion is to just go with the flow and allow yourself to get swallowed up in "closeness" and all of that. Flirting with other men might be the only way you have now to escape claustrophobia. And we feel claustrophobic when we neglect our individuality. 

[_lovelycat_]

2 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

Are there other ways to get novelty into your life, like new hobbies, friendships, etc? Or, within the context of a relationship, would it be enough to continually try new experiences with a "forever" partner? The latter requires a lot of work.

 

Getting novelty into my/our lives was the first idea that came to my mind when I started realizing I was getting increasingly unhappy. It didn't go well. First, there was not enough free time. With three kids, the hobbies I already have, the gym, I was struggling to find free time. My favorite friends, who are all childrenfree, did not seem to be comfortable spending time in my new environment. So I tried to connect with his friends, who are all married or in a commited relationship with children. It ended up in a disaster. All the moms were nice, but I couldn't connect with them. At one of the parties, I connected with husband of one lady. She maintained a close contact with my now ex, so I thought it would be OK if your husband and I talked to each other. Since our conversations were innocent in nature, he did not make efforts to hide it. One day she read it and got so upset, she said she didn't want to hung out with me anymore. The neighborhood was speculating for a while about what happened between her husband and me. That was the end of my attempts to befriend his friends. 

[_lovelycat_]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

That being said... at about 46-47 I met the woman I have been with for almost 9 years.  I was almost 50 when I reached that 2-3 year mark (in our relationship) and just didn't want to start over at square one again.  I can only guess that I just finally got tired of hopping around from woman to woman.  I had "sowed my wild oats" and I guess I was ready to finally settle down a bit. 

Thank you for sharing you experience. I also don't want to hop around from man to man. That is why I want to find a way to make a long-term committed relationship to work for me. 

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, _lovelycat_ said:

That is why I want to find a way to make a long-term committed relationship to work for me. 

Keep in mind men's testosterone level naturally drops as we age, testosterone is the gasoline that drives our little engine.  So at 55 I'm less "driven" then I was at 25.

 

[_lovelycat_]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

 

Very risky to assume you "should" feel committed to this guy. I can tell you I dated many people, pretty and impressive and smart, and I didn't want to commit. I spent hours agonizing about what my problem was.  It wasn't until later that I met someone that I got what it meant to REALLY like someone and to feel comfortable with somebody. Guess what?! I could commit!

You could be picking great people (I did), but picking great people does NOT mean you're picking people who are a good fit for you.

Or it may be the case that you don't have the skills to go through the process of forming and sustaining a deep bond.

You mentioned you get chronically depressed at a certain point in a relationship. If you're not setting good boundaries, you will get tired of being around someone. And depressed. Setting good boundaries means saying "no" a lot. (Every time you say "yes" to a partner when you really feel "no" is another rock building up  on the depression scale.) Setting boundaries also means not working so hard in the relationship. Setting good boundaries means over time revealing more and more of yourself and your real feelings and thoughts and not thinking so much of whether your thoughts fit with your partner's. Setting boundaries is also asking for what exactly you want in a relationship, and doing this is much harder than it might seem because a lot of folks are so used to censoring their desires in relationship. Setting good boundaries also means you are individuating and maintaining a life separate from this person. Hobbies that the partner doesn't engage in. You spend time with friends. You maintain a health separation which creates room and desire to come together. 

The biggest way to kill passion is to be in an imbalanced relationship that is focused on passion.  Another way to kill passion is to just go with the flow and allow yourself to get swallowed up in "closeness" and all of that. Flirting with other men might be the only way you have now to escape claustrophobia. And we feel claustrophobic when we neglect our individuality. 

Lotsgoingon, I read your post several times. I find your perspective interesting. I do remember feeling better when I could get away from "our family life" and spend time with my friends alone. I always ended up missing him. Maybe you are right and the problem was that I lost myself and sacrificed many of the things I really enjoyed in life in  the attempt to be a good partner and keep peace. It is very possible that making all these sacrifices was the foundation for my unhappiness. My concern is that if I start setting all these boundaries, he may follow my example, wouldn't we grow apart? There so many marriages where people have lives separate from each other. They feel lonely and unhappy. Why do you think having separate lifes didn't help those spouses to maintain a happy family life? 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, _lovelycat_ said:

I would like to learn your opinions on whether a person can be innately unable to commit to a long term relationship even if s/he wants to be in a forever relationship? 

Any ideas?

First off, don't commit to the wrong partner because you think you "should" (i.e., due to societal expectations).

That said, people with the issue you describe may have attachment style issues. Another possibility is tendencies towards a personality disorder, such as BPD, which are actually quite common. Those are things you CAN discuss with a therapist. Get a very experienced one who genuinely specializes in relationship issues, don't hesitate to shop around if necessary, and be willing to face whatever is driving this. It MAY have something to do with your FOO (family or origin) or be something else.

It's possible you've simply never met the right partner, but I think for many people their attachment issues or other psychological quirks color and sometimes severely distort their perceptions OF their partner. Therapy might be able to help with that, with a good therapist.

Edited December 4, 2020 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

I have three close friends who are married: each of them has a spouse who LOVES IT that their partner and I have a close bond. 

Why?

Well as the wife of one of my friends said to me, her husband is always so happy when he comes back from hanging out with me. The husband of another close friend said the same thing. (Trust me: I do not flirt with this friend. It's a deep friendship.) The partner gets a more happy spouse? Who doesn't want that?!

And guess what? When my friends are hanging with me (mainly zoom and phone calls these days) the partners get free time for themselves. Partners love their own free time to do their own hobbies, watch their own tv shows, listen to their own music, or just to have time alone and quiet alone. Partners should NOT do everything together.

Being an individual with separate interests isn't done to escape the relationship. That's when those things are trouble. This is doing hobbies and maintaining outside friendships to nurture YOU! Because you have specific needs and interests and a history that your partner doesn't have. No partner can fulfill all our life needs and goals.  And partners affirm closeness by say buying gifts related to the other person's interests, right. That's what makes the gift "thoughtful" is that the partner is recognizing your individuality and difference. That's when we feel seen. 

Plus, individuality allows you to breath. You relax, your explore other sides of yourself. And so there's less pressure on the relationship. People grow apart because they stop talking and communicating and sharing and listening. Not because they have separate hobbies and interests. In a really good relationship each partner gets their individuality and separateness respected and that helps (I know it's paradoxical) build the bond. 

I used to work way too hard in relationships and then just get exhausted. Well ... didn't dawn on me that the relationship needed to fit me, not just me the relationship. There are terms out there for the dynamic of losing yourself in relationship. Words like "fusing" in relationship or "merging" ... Merging is at one extreme. Distancing at the other. I have heard therapists say merging can be a particular challenge for women--that society sorta encourages women to lose themselves in relationship. Well I was a guy with a merge pattern. It was like I disconnected from my inner self in relationship. You know you're deep into merging territory when your first instinct is to wonder what the other person thinks or wants before you even ask yourself what you think or want. Also bad is getting into a cycle of thinking that if you just focus on the other person, they will be grateful and love you all the more. NOPE! They feel clung to.

And they get no benefit of outside energy and joy and vibrancy. 

 

[_lovelycat_]

Lotsgoingon, thank you for your answer. What you have said above makes perfect sense to me. Your words have had a wow effect on me. I am going to think about your ideas. I believe what you suggested may actually work for me. 

[BaileyB]

There comes a time in every relationship when the infatuation you felt for that person wears off... the relationship is not new and exciting, you have seen all his moves in the bedroom, and his habits start to annoy you. At that point, the decision to stay with that man and truly love him is a decision. Of course, you love him and it is a good relationship - but it takes work, and sacrifice, and patience, and forgiveness to stay together long term... You seem to believe that when those initial lovey dovey feelings go away, something is wrong with the relationship. I would suggest that it is potentially just the evolution of that relationship. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by BaileyB

[FMW]

7 hours ago, _lovelycat_ said:

I love having a deep connection on all levels

If you get bored after only a few years, it seems to me that the deep connection is more a matter of intensity, not necessarily depth.  

1 hour ago, _lovelycat_ said:

My concern is that if I start setting all these boundaries, he may follow my example, wouldn't we grow apart?

Not if you find someone with whom you are truly compatible. 

But the thing is, if your need for a deep connection is actually a need for intensity, a guy that appreciates some healthy space likely isn't going to provide that intensity.  

As has been noted, there's no rule that you have to have long lasting relationships.  But since that's what you want, I'm not sure what the answer is.  As mentioned, maybe you just haven't met him yet. 

But if you go from feeling deeply connected to feeling bored within just a few years time, I think there's a good possibility you may just not be cut out for long term commitment.  

8 hours ago, _lovelycat_ said:

I would rather be in a committed relationship than by myself

Maybe you mean if you had a choice/in a perfect world you would want to be paired.  But if that preference is actually driving you to have intense/passionate connections that invariably burn out, that's a problem.  In order to truly connect in a lasting way with other people you need to be comfortable and happy being single.  Obviously I don't know if that's really the issue or not, but something to think about.  

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, _lovelycat_ said:

  Eventually, I get chronically depressed 

Start right here. Go to a physician for a complete evaluation of your overall health and moods in particular, and ask for a referral to a therapist.

What you seem to be doing is treating chronic depression with the novelty and excitement and the neurochemical responses. 

The problem is the novelty wears off and you're back to the chronic depression.

Since there's nothing inherently wrong with the relationships you end and it seems like novelty-chasing, your neuropsychiatric health is a good place to start looking.

[notbroken]

I'm glad you accept your role in this.  Making it about the other person is dangerous because when it happens again (the newness eventually wears off of everything) it is too tempting to say "well, they just aren't the one" and move on.   They may not be - but if the problem is with you and not with them it can become a recurring issue over and over.  After some point, recurring issues are about the person in the mirror.  

I think acknowledging the issue and where it lies goes a long ways towards the solution.   The grass is not greener on the other side.  There is just more grass over there.  Different grass, but it is more or less the same if it is decent grass.  

Butterflies and the NRE are addicting.  They can also be quite confusing.   It's one of the reasons people in affairs feel their affair partner is so much better than the person they've been with 20 years.    The husband just can't compete with the feelings she gets from "Mr New" (never mind in 2 years she will feel the same way about "Mr No Longer New".   Also the reason you see people marry 5 times.   

You can't expect to have those new feelings forever.   Your relationships aren't broken just because you are bored with a guy.   Jobs can also be like that.  Do you stay long term on your jobs?  Do you go from job to job?   Do you buy a new car every 2 years because you are tired of the old one?  Is it really better every time you change?  

You'll have to accept that long term relationships occasionally have 'the doldrums'.  It has to come from within to get past that.  The problem is not necessarily the guy across the table.   Boredom is within us - not external.  Admitting and knowing that should at least help.   

[_lovelycat_]

Guys, I am so grateful for your replies. Thank you for taking your time to share your ideas with me. You are a magical group of people, with great minds. You all have made valid points. Ever since I read the Lotsgoingon's reply, I have a revolution going on in my brain as I try to reevaluate my past relationships in the light of what he has said about setting boundaries, merging in relationship and nurturing oneself through separateness.   Once the fireworks in my head subside a little, I intend to reply to each of you.  I wish I had found this forum years ago!!!