Why do I keep picking cold men who are emotionally unavailable?

[Sissy1976]

Again, I ignored red flags in a 5 year relationship.  I am the adult child of an alcoholic cold father who never said he loved me.  Child hood was PTSD-ville, constant fighting, beatings from my father, drunk behavior, my father even tried to set fire to our home one night... but my mother stayed with him.  Married young to someone who was working on MATH doctorate, not the most affectionate man- divorced w/2 children.  Married a direct opposite man from Boston, affectionate, touchy but an alcoholic.  We were married 16 years and I was the designated driver.  Toward end of 16th year found out he was going to massage parlors, prostitutes, etc.  I was shocked and said I was going to get a divorce.  One evening he said he wanted to talk outside, he then went in the house and got a gun and shot himself in the mouth in front of me.  He did say he didn't want to live without me before he did it.  Moved to a different city and went online...first man was from Sweden... also an alcoholic ... that ended in betrayal w/other women also.  Was alone for 4 years and prayed for someone.  My last boyfriend (broke up a few days ago) was a dry alcoholic.  He quit drinking when he was 28... he now is 65.  Long story short, red flags came  up initially- private messenger talking with women-which he dismissed as just friendly (although one msg said "I can come up to see in if you want, although I know it is wrong".  Every time we argued, it was always MY FAULT... he reacted by going on dating sites and having sex with other women (and men).  STILL, I forgave him beause  I didn't want to be alone.  So many red flags... his phone was always on silent, he went to the bathroom a lot (probably to message).  He said I was untrusting and paranoid.  Final straw was that I actually caught him at his home with another woman... he said he did it because of ME... something I saw about wanting to be with a younger man (HUH?).  Our sex life at first was fantastic... we were like bunnies... last two years were horrible.  He complained about thinning skin on his penis that hurt during sex (sorry for being explicit).  Last straw was I awoke at 12:30 last night and he was not in bed... I walked into the DEN and he was coming from bathroom with HIS phone in his hand which was previously charging in my bedroom.  When confronted he started stammering... blah blah blah.  He decided to leave at 12:30 at night.  My problem is that when I become abandoned from even a BAD relationship I go into crazy mode and become pathetic.  Does anybody know why?  My daughter said if I don't get help our relationship will be diminished.  I know he is a liar and cheat and probably a sociopath.  I deserve better. 

[S2B]

Choose differently.

 

the way you were raised has determined what your sense of “normal” is. Family of origin - otherwise known as FOO

look it up. It affects all of our lives.

I try to eliminate things that seems familiar to what I grew up with.

 

[Sissy1976]

Interesting... chaos, detachment from father... some type of alcoholism ... 

[stillafool]

You probably need to get into therapy but in the meantime don't go out with anymore men who drink or have a history with drinking alcohol.  I imagine you know this by now.

Edited December 3, 2020 by stillafool

[Sissy1976]

This last 5 year relationship was with a dry alcoholic ... he was 65 and stopped drinking when he was 29. I guess alcoholics still have that behavior when they go dry ? 

 

[Watercolors]

Women who chose emotionally unavailable men as relationship partners do it as an automatic conditioning reponse, to being raised where they were raised with enmeshed boundaries with their caregivers, and taught to serve others needs and put their own needs second, creating them to be codependent on the other person; where they learn that their feelings and needs aren't valid but the other person's feelings and needs are valid. I lived this pattern until therapy broke me from it. I can see it a mile away, in posts like yours. 

You'd do yourself a favor to find a cognitive therapist, who can help you disentangle yourself from your dysfunctional relation to men. You won't be able to attract healthy men, until you learn to put your feelings and needs first, create healthy boundaries with men, which will keep away the emotionally unavailable guys and attract emotionally available guys who will have a health relationship and connection with you, without you having to "prove" yourself to the guy. That is the codependent behavior; where the woman puts his needs before hers, ignores her boundaries, and makes excuses for the guy. 

[Sissy1976]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Women who chose emotionally unavailable men as relationship partners do it as an automatic conditioning reponse, to being raised where they were raised with enmeshed boundaries with their caregivers, and taught to serve others needs and put their own needs second, creating them to be codependent on the other person; where they learn that their feelings and needs aren't valid but the other person's feelings and needs are valid. I lived this pattern until therapy broke me from it. I can see it a mile away, in posts like yours. 

You'd do yourself a favor to find a cognitive therapist, who can help you disentangle yourself from your dysfunctional relation to men. You won't be able to attract healthy men, until you learn to put your feelings and needs first, create healthy boundaries with men, which will keep away the emotionally unavailable guys and attract emotionally available guys who will have a health relationship and connection with you, without you having to "prove" yourself to the guy. That is the codependent behavior; where the woman puts his needs before hers, ignores her boundaries, and makes excuses for the guy. 

OMG I am crying as I read your response... it's so spot on.  I was always the perfect wife, girlfriend and always forgiving everything... when they  leave I am lost... I feel abandoned and incapable of going on.  I blocked this last dope who took his phone to the bathroom at 12:30 at night, unblocked and now blocked again.  I have a psychologist appointment on MONDAY.  Thank you Watercolors for your input.  I am a nice looking, intelligent woman who settles... I deserve better.  

[KaterinaVon]

This has nothing to do with drinking and everything to do with no morals or integrity, a lot of people are like this, you just can’t waste your time with them, the first few red flags should be your sign to go, instead of sticking around for years and years.

I don’t have a traumatic childhood or dated alcoholics but I still manage to get with guys who don’t care about anyone but themselves. 
 

 

[Sissy1976]

2 hours ago, KaterinaVon said:

This has nothing to do with drinking and everything to do with no morals or integrity, a lot of people are like this, you just can’t waste your time with them, the first few red flags should be your sign to go, instead of sticking around for years and years.

I don’t have a traumatic childhood or dated alcoholics but I still manage to get with guys who don’t care about anyone but themselves. 
 

 

Thank you KaterinaVon... I'm seeing things clearer every day.  My mother stayed with my horrid cold alcoholic, father, she had 7 children.  We are all screwed up.  That said, I am going to counseling with a psychologist to get out of the ditch... of not holding myself in better esteem.  I stay and stay and forgive and forgive.  NO MORE.  

[Watercolors]

46 minutes ago, Sissy1976 said:

OMG I am crying as I read your response... it's so spot on.  I was always the perfect wife, girlfriend and always forgiving everything... when they  leave I am lost... I feel abandoned and incapable of going on.  I blocked this last dope who took his phone to the bathroom at 12:30 at night, unblocked and now blocked again.  I have a psychologist appointment on MONDAY.  Thank you Watercolors for your input.  I am a nice looking, intelligent woman who settles... I deserve better.  

Glad that my post could help highlight any patterns you recognize that have to do with codependency, enmeshment, and anxiety. You can break this pattern with your relationships too but it won't happen overnight. Don't beat yourself up. Your choices reflect the environment you were raised in. Self-awareness and practicing boundary setting and the follow-through afterward with these men will help you become healthier, and will help you choose healthier men to date. 

Glad you have a therapy appointment. Every journey begins with a first step. 

[KaterinaVon]

1 minute ago, Sissy1976 said:

Thank you KaterinaVon... I'm seeing things clearer every day.  My mother stayed with my horrid cold alcoholic, father, she had 7 children.  We are all screwed up.  That said, I am going to counseling with a psychologist to get out of the ditch... of not holding myself in better esteem.  I stay and stay and forgive and forgive.  NO MORE.  

Just remember this, the longer you stay with the wrong guy, the longer you’ll wait to find the right one

[Sissy1976]

Amen and thank you.  No more tears.. no more being a dumb chick.  

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Sissy1976 said:

Amen and thank you.  No more tears.. no more being a dumb chick.  

You are not dumb. You just didn't have the correct information from your familial environment growing up, how to choose healthy relationships. But you can find that information now, learn how to use it, and benefit from it. 

[MsJayne]

Wow, no wonder you're traumatised. A lack of parental approval and affection leads to all sorts of identity crisis, poor self esteem and a lack of self belief being the most common.  I always ended up with men who were pigs, until I threw out some wrongly instilled beliefs. You have to fully acknowledge what a piece of work your father was, stop making excuses for him, and you don't have to forgive him either. Forgiveness is over-rated and just leads to victims of abuse turning their anger inward against themselves.  Peace is not found by pretending that someone "didn't mean it" and silently lugging the anger around for the rest of your life. You get involved with horrible men because you're trying to relive and redress the relationship with your father. You have to acknowledge that your father isn't good enough for you, he's the failure, not you, and you don't want or need another loser in your life. You go crazy at the end of each failed relationship because you're left with the anger and the feeling that you've been drained, had everything taken but received nothing, the same as with your experience of growing up. You probably have great difficulty confronting people about the way they treat you, and it takes practice, but you need to learn how to let your anger out and tell abusive people to F--- Off. Once you get the hang of it, it feels great. 

[S2B]

Twelve years ago I decided I would face my trauma ahead on - and I worked every week for a year with a trauma counselor who helped me with boundaries, self esteem and relying on only myself for my happiness. I was terribly codependent.

that year was hard but amazing. I hope you’ll get the help long term - it really helped me at that time.

it also helped me to eliminate some toxic family members from my life. I don’t need the drama and chaos.

a man isn’t going to bring you happiness - that’s up to you to give it to yourself.

Edited December 4, 2020 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Sissy1976 said:

 My daughter said if I don't get help our relationship will be diminished. 

Sorry to hear that. Does your daughter live with you? What did she mean by this?

Great you are looking into it. 

[Sissy1976]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Does your daughter live with you? What did she mean by this?

Great you are looking into it. 

My daughter is rational and a school teacher.  From the beginning he rubbed her wrong.  He had seizure problems so they removed the seizure left frontal lobe center.  He is a nervous talker and not educated... socially juvenile.  That said, I shared our fighting over his flirting, being on Dating Sites including American Bisexuals.  She knew the hurt I felt and my history-she did not want him around.  My daughter is my rock and she is nothing like me.  I am a product of dysfunction, alcoholic cold father (I don't ever remember my dad saying he loved me... he beat me with a belt).  My daughter wants me to be functional and strong.  On Monday, I will be starting telephone appointments with a psychologist.  My ins. company has this benefit.  However, the hurt and abandonment I feel is heartbreaking.  All the forgiving I did probably empowered him and he lost all respect.  Most women would have kicked him to the curb.  I blocked him, (occasionally take him off block - then put him back on).  I think I am on the right track. Healthy relationships don't include lies, hurt, abandonment.  Thanks for your input... I appreciate everything.

[Sissy1976]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

Twelve years ago I decided I would face my trauma ahead on - and I worked every week for a year with a trauma counselor who helped me with boundaries, self esteem and relying on only myself for my happiness. I was terribly codependent.

that year was hard but amazing. I hope you’ll get the help long term - it really helped me at that time.

it also helped me to eliminate some toxic family members from my life. I don’t need the drama and chaos.

a man isn’t going to bring you happiness - that’s up to you to give it to yourself.

That's why I am doing now... appt. on Monday with psychologist.  However, the feelings of betrayal and abandonment by YET another man are hard to take... until I realize that they never really loved me in the first place.  Thanks for all your input. 

[Sissy1976]

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Wow, no wonder you're traumatised. A lack of parental approval and affection leads to all sorts of identity crisis, poor self esteem and a lack of self belief being the most common.  I always ended up with men who were pigs, until I threw out some wrongly instilled beliefs. You have to fully acknowledge what a piece of work your father was, stop making excuses for him, and you don't have to forgive him either. Forgiveness is over-rated and just leads to victims of abuse turning their anger inward against themselves.  Peace is not found by pretending that someone "didn't mean it" and silently lugging the anger around for the rest of your life. You get involved with horrible men because you're trying to relive and redress the relationship with your father. You have to acknowledge that your father isn't good enough for you, he's the failure, not you, and you don't want or need another loser in your life. You go crazy at the end of each failed relationship because you're left with the anger and the feeling that you've been drained, had everything taken but received nothing, the same as with your experience of growing up. You probably have great difficulty confronting people about the way they treat you, and it takes practice, but you need to learn how to let your anger out and tell abusive people to F--- Off. Once you get the hang of it, it feels great. 

My mother stayed with my father, a horrid alcoholic who did nothing but mentally and emotionally abuse her.  She had 7 children and never left him.   I guess she is my role model which is not functional.  Through Ancestry.com I just found out that my deceased rotten father had 2 more daughters with a neighbor.. one looks like me and the other looks like my only sister  My dead alcoholic father is the gift that keeps on giving.  I don't forgive him and everyone says I should... but I don't.  Most women would have gotten rid of men like my last boyfriend.. who waited until we were 3 years into our relationship to tell me he enjoys sex with men...but not ME... I tried to understand it.  I feel stupid and weak but I am going forward with psychological evaluation.  The worse part is feeling abandoned and rejected again.  Thanks as always for your input 

[Sissy1976]

15 hours ago, KaterinaVon said:

This has nothing to do with drinking and everything to do with no morals or integrity, a lot of people are like this, you just can’t waste your time with them, the first few red flags should be your sign to go, instead of sticking around for years and years.

I don’t have a traumatic childhood or dated alcoholics but I still manage to get with guys who don’t care about anyone but themselves. 
 

 

 

15 hours ago, Sissy1976 said:

Thank you KaterinaVon... I'm seeing things clearer every day.  My mother stayed with my horrid cold alcoholic, father, she had 7 children.  We are all screwed up.  That said, I am going to counseling with a psychologist to get out of the ditch... of not holding myself in better esteem.  I stay and stay and forgive and forgive.  NO MORE.  

By the way, you are also right about morals... this man has no moral clarity... he's paid for five abortions of his children.  

[KaterinaVon]

1 hour ago, Sissy1976 said:

 

By the way, you are also right about morals... this man has no moral clarity... he's paid for five abortions of his children.  

You don’t want to see yourself as the victim, the reason you don’t want to do this is, you’ll be stuck in a mentality of “ why me” and  “ I only attract losers and users” 

YOU decide how long to stay and YOU decide who you let in, if these men were users with no moral compass, to the curb it is. 

Once we’ve bonded sexually or affectionately with a man, it’s hard to let go, which is why we need to get the sense of who they are before we have sex and before we get too affectionate. Otherwise we fall into “ well if I just try harder he will want only me and not those women” or “ he won’t need to drink if I can just keep him happy” 

Let me tell you something, it’s NOT your job to keep a man happy, that’s HIS, just like it’s not his job to keep you happy. What you need to give to a man is respect, love, attention, understanding and support as he should give you these things, BUT a person who isn’t happy with themselves and in their life will NOT appreciate any of that. Do not waste time on giving a man those things if he can’t reciprocate them and appreciate them. 
It’s possible that you are not happy with yourself and that you have a victim mentality that you think all the men you attract are the same. Fix this first in yourself then you’ll be ready to date.

[Sissy1976]

Thank you dear Sister Katerina... you are so functional and wise.  I cherish your input and advice.  I need to get well.  My last boyfriend was sexually attractive and unfortunately that was the basis of initial attraction.  Of course, that is natural to be with a man who actually knows what he's doing in bed with a woman... I honestly never had that much attention.  However, during the 5 yr relationship, there were red flags that I chose to ignore.  Monday is my first appointment with psychologist over the phone.. anything I should start up telling him so that I don't blather on and on?  Initially, what should he know?  I appreciate your expert advice. 

[Cookiesandough]

Just going by the first sentence couple sentences it could very well be your upbringing/family of origin. Basically, there is an this idea that we seek romantic partners share similar characteristics to our opposite sex caretakers. Just one idea and it’s more convoluted than that, obv. But could be. Therapy would probably be helpful here, yep. It would be helpful for the trauma of the abuse alone.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

On 12/4/2020 at 11:10 AM, Sissy1976 said:

 Monday is my first appointment with psychologist over the phone.. 

They will do an intake and develop a treatment plan to address cognative distortions and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.

You don't have to steer the psychologist in any direction.

All you have to do is be forthcoming and willing to change/work on self destructive behaviors.

[Sissy1976]

Thank you .. now I know why your name is WISEMAN2.  I appreciate your continued advice and thoughts.