BigS Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 I'm throwing this out there as I'm running out of brainpower and need a sanity check on top of everything that is happening. Divorced a few years now. 50/50 custody. I moved to restart my life after the D, which was a brilliant call, and I've transformed from it. In NYC now, but my kids are in Northern NJ, just a short walk then subway ride away from me, so a car isn't even needed. Having teenage kids is really hard, and getting ANY time with them is even harder. They are at the age where socialization is important, and learning from, and growing from making friends and getting out in the world is a critical phase in their development (in my opinion at least), so I don't give them a hard time when they want to see friends over spending time with me. My response is the opposite! It is always 'GO! Spend time with friends. Be a good friend, and keep an eye out for the friends that aren't good for you and don't have your best interests in mind. That is a super important life lesson and can transform the trajectory of your life'... and that really seems to resonate with them, and I think they appreciate me for it, and I think they are becoming young adults that are good humans and good friends, and they are on the right trajectory. My issue is the volume of time my daughter wants to spend with me. My son clearly loves me and misses me, and we're having great 'man to man' conversations about life, relationships, values...etc. and spending at least one night per week together, but of course I'd love more. My daughter NEVER sees me. In 4 years she has spent 5 days at my place, even though I'm steps from her school in NYC and have a pretty nice NYC apartment. It is breaking my heart, but I don't make a stink about it as guilt trips always backfire. However, I've been begging my ex for years that I need her to be encouraging of my daughter valuing me and the relationship she and I have, but my ex seemingly never responds to my ask, nor does she seemingly encourage my daughter to spend time with me..EVER. (My ex has daddy issues. He abandoned her and her single mom and NEVER laid eyes on her. I saw it well after the vows were exchanged.) So here is my question? Is it logical and reasonable for me to upset that my ex has ignored my requests, and has done nothing to encourage her to see me or spend time with me, or even value our relationship? My ex is a true narcissist (I've done a TON of research on this one, so that is not stated flippantly), and the only way I've been able to get anything accomplished since we split was with the help of a counselor. I'm wondering if I should get this same counselor to lean in here and help. Oh well... throwing this out there. Thanks for the input, good or bad!
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 This is between you and your daughter. You need to mend the relationship. There's nothing her father can do or say. In fact dragging kids in divorce or talking trash about the other parent could make almost adult kids avoid you. They don't need the drama. Your therapist can focus on how to mend things with your daughter.
basil67 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) I agree that this is between you and your daughter. I suggest that a good place to start is figuring out why she chooses to not spend time with you. For example, do you think she resents you...or just doesn't care? How well did the two of you get on before the marriage ended? Is she close to her mother, or does she hold her mother at arm's length too? You also say that you've transformed. In what ways have you transformed? Edited December 3, 2020 by basil67 1
major_merrick Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 If she were younger, yes, you deserve support from your ex in having a relationship. But at age 17, she can freely decide how to spend her time. She's choosing not to have a relationship with you, and you need to find out why. Is there some hurt involved? Does she blame you (rightly or wrongly) for something in her life? You can't fix it until you find it. One thing that works in your favor is that underneath it all, a daughter always wishes she could have a relationship with a caring father. Even though my dad was an abusive drunk and a loser, there was never a point where he couldn't have cleaned up his act and made amends with me if he genuinely wanted to. Instead, he died. I couldn't fix it. Your daughter won't initiate it if you want to figure it out, but 99% chance is that she WILL eventually be receptive. Be prepared for her to be guarded and evasive initially, but be kind and persistent. 1
Ellener Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 8 hours ago, major_merrick said: be kind and persistent. That's all you can do. My son won't see his father because he never 'cleaned up his act' for him or me, then when he met the new wife he apparently simply changed overnight! "We weren't good enough to make that effort?' was what my son said, plus there was some hypocrisy and dishonesty so the new wife would not know how he behaved before...then at one point he thought she was going to be the new mother. Kids don't like that. Or ex-wives! Anyway what I am saying @BigS is just hang in there, be honest with yourself, most kids gravitate back out of curiosity if nothing else. Avoid talking to her about her dad unless she brings it up. Kids hate to feel they have to choose. 1
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 3 hours ago, Ellener said: Avoid talking to her about her dad BigS IS her dad.... 2
Ellener Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: BigS IS her dad.... I'm reading it backwards I guess. Same 'advice' though.
ShyViolet Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 Don't waste your time battling with your ex over this. You can't change or control your ex's behavior. That is pretty obvious. And your daughter is 17, almost an adult, and she can make her own decisions. She might be in the angsty teenager phase right now. Maybe she'll come around. This is between you and your daughter. When you ask your daughter WHY she won't come see you, what does she say? 2 1
Author BigS Posted December 8, 2020 Author Posted December 8, 2020 Thank you all for the input. It is welcome to get extra brains to observe the situation. Peace to you all.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 On 12/4/2020 at 7:33 AM, elaine567 said: BigS IS her dad.... As I've said...NOTHING gets past Elaine! Happy holidays to my LS friend from across the pond. I always enjoy your posts. 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 On 12/8/2020 at 1:37 PM, BigS said: Thank you all for the input. It is welcome to get extra brains to observe the situation. Peace to you all. I agree to never give up. Have you considered writing your daughter a heartfelt love letter and giving it to her in person? Consider keeping a copy of it yourself. Keep your expectations low if you do it as it may take her time to respond positively to it, even years. She might even have an initial mean reaction (you would know her better), but I believe it would find its way to her heart and hopefully bring her 'round to you eventually. Holidays might be an especially good time for this. Good luck and never give up on your girl! 1
MsJayne Posted December 15, 2020 Posted December 15, 2020 Your ex has painted you as the villain, that's what narcissists do, it's their go-to form of attack. Don't blame your daughter, and stop wasting your time asking your ex to help the situation as you're just playing into her poisonous narrative. If you've read up on narcissism you'll already know that your ex has a favourite child, and it appears it's your daughter, she's been made her mother's confidante and you can only imagine what toxic garbage her head's been filled with. Your ex might be pretending that she's fine with the divorce and moved on...don't be fooled, behind your back you will have been slandered from here to eternity, especially to your daughter. I would guess that for the past four years she's been made to feel guilty if she doesn't take her mothers side in the divorce fallout. She probably literally feels she can't see you because she's been manipulated into feeling like a traitor if she has a proper relationship with you. Either your daughter will allow her mother to run her life, (beliefs, opinions, relationships, goals), or she'll wake up and smell the poison. She's 17, give her another 3 or 4 years and she'll start wanting to be her own person, and that's when you'll probably hear from her. The narcissistic mother competes with her daughters, she wants to make sure they never outdo her, and this often causes resentment which is followed by estrangement. Be patient and cross your fingers the narcissist doesn't do too much damage in the interim, especially in terms of grooming your daughter to be just like her. I'm the daughter of a raging narcissist so I speak from vast experience. 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 15, 2020 Posted December 15, 2020 @MsJayne Nailed it. I am also a member of the daughters of narc mothers club. Some daughters can be under narc mothers' spell for a very long time though. My sis, the golden child, is just starting to awake but barely. She's almost 40 yo. 1
cbr600r Posted December 16, 2020 Posted December 16, 2020 Yeah it sounds like parental alienation and it's not surprising that a narc would use a tactic like this. 1
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