Meeting up with ex-girlfriend

[hegmannkris]

Hi, desperately need some advice on a couple of different things. Grateful to anyone who can help. Sorry about this long post.

So a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend and I split up and of course I desperately want her back. I have tried my best not to contact her, but being the weak minded person I am I have lapsed a few times and send her a few texts. Also, I continuously hurt myself by looking at what she's getting up to on Facebook.

Now I haven't seen any incriminating evidence on there to suggest she's over me, but in her photos she seems to be having a good time, perhaps even enjoying her life without the stresses of our relationship. There isn't much to base this assumption off though. I might just be paranoid/being irrational.

In the texts that I have sent, I haven't mentioned anything about our relationship and she has responded every time (eventually). She hasn't however, in the three weeks we've been broken up, initiated a single text. Not even to ask how I am. Which I find quite emotionally detached, even shows a lack of respect. Particularly as our relationship lasted for almost three years.

Do you reckon she is trying to save herself from further pain by not contacting me and also not to give me false hope?

Last week we agreed to meet up and talk about everything. It was me who initiated this and suggested the date and time. This is happening very soon and I'm nervous about it.

Do you think just a simple drink in a pub would suffice? Or should I take her out to dinner as it will be after work?

Thanks again to anyone who responds.

[ShakeShake]

So she was the one that ended things with you? What was the reason for the break up? Why exactly do you want to meet up with her

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, hegmannkris said:

So a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend and I split up. the stresses of our relationship.

  our relationship lasted for almost three years

Sorry to hear that

 What was the breakup about? How old is she? Does she have different goals and values or was there chronic relationship conflict?

What do you mean by "the stress of the relationship"? Have those problems resolved?

It's seems you are hoping for reconciliation, no? It it clear to her that this is the purpose of getting together?

See what happens. Post breakup meetings can be confusing in terms of friendzoning, and mixed feelings.

The bottom line is Why you broke up. Unfortunately, at best this could be an on/off thing if underlying issues are still there.

 

[JTSW]

You sound pretty clingy and insecure.

I'm guessing this is why she ended the relationship.

I'm sorry but i think this meeting is maybe about her wanting you to stop contacting her.

She is clearly moving on with her life.

You need to do the same.

[poppyfields]

On 12/3/2020 at 7:44 PM, hegmannkris said:

Hi, desperately need some advice on a couple of different things. Grateful to anyone who can help. Sorry about this long post.

So a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend and I split up and of course I desperately want her back. I have tried my best not to contact her, but being the weak minded person I am I have lapsed a few times and send her a few texts. Also, I continuously hurt myself by looking at what she's getting up to on Facebook.

Now I haven't seen any incriminating evidence on there to suggest she's over me, but in her photos she seems to be having a good time, perhaps even enjoying her life without the stresses of our relationship. There isn't much to base this assumption off though. I might just be paranoid/being irrational.

In the texts that I have sent, I haven't mentioned anything about our relationship and she has responded every time (eventually). She hasn't however, in the three weeks we've been broken up, initiated a single text. Not even to ask how I am. Which I find quite emotionally detached, even shows a lack of respect. Particularly as our relationship lasted for almost three years.

Do you reckon she is trying to save herself from further pain by not contacting me and also not to give me false hope?

Last week we agreed to meet up and talk about everything. It was me who initiated this and suggested the date and time. This is happening very soon and I'm nervous about it.

Do you think just a simple drink in a pub would suffice? Or should I take her out to dinner as it will be after work?

Bolded - I'm really confused by this.  You are broken up.  No longer together, no longer a couple. 

As such, she is not obligated to initiate texts, nor should she.  Nor should you for that matter and I am wondering why you are, and why you believe she should be.

And to call it disrespectful?  No it's not disrespectful at all, quite the opposite, it is respectful.  I am assuming she ended it, and does not want to mislead you.  That is her being respectful. 

I'm so curious what your thought process is, because when a couple breaks up, the best for both is to go 100% NC.  To heal and move on.

Which imo is what she is trying to do, and so shouid you. 

What is it you need to talk about over dinner?   Perhaps we need more context; some details seem to be missing.  

 

 

[d0nnivain]

If she broke up with you, of course she won't initiate texts or check up on you.  Your welfare is no longer her concern & it will give you false hope if she reaches out.  

You would be better off unfriending her / unfollowing her on all social media platforms & deleting her contact info out of your phone.  

But now since this meet up is scheduled start with the drink only but be flexible enough to pivot to food / dinner if things go well.  Don't initially lock yourself into the commitment of a meal.   Listen more than you talk.  See what her concerns & desires are.  Do not beg.  

If she says this was the closure conversation, do what I suggested above & go full NC.  Severe all ties for your own mental health.  

[elaine567]

Be prepared for her not showing up.
SHE dumped you.
You as the dumpee do not get to dictate how things pan out from here on in.
She no doubt thought long and hard about the break up and came to a decision, so from her side what is there really to discuss?
Dumpees often come to the mistaken conclusion that both the dumper and the dumpee are equally hurt and in pain, but in reality the dumpee is cut up and heart broken but the dumper although they may feel some pity for the dumpee... is often relieved to split up, and is excited to see what new things lie ahead...
Most people break up so they are free to date other people. 
Realise that and my advice would be to leave her alone.
Chasing someone who has rejected you, tends not to end well.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If you meet up with her please don't drink. It could affect your judgement and you could end up saying things you wouldn't ordinarily say. You sound a bit needy and a drink most probably will unmask that and let it all hang out. Then you could be kicking yourself later for things you said or did.

Edited December 13, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease