Broke up with girlfriend over compatibility issues, but I think I've changed and wish I could take it back

[SeattleKevin]

TLDR: I (44M) broke up with my ex (42F) because she wanted kids and I did not. Now I think I made a mistake but she won't talk to me. What I really want is to get back together with her, but if I can't get that, I want closure by talking things through in person. She flaked every time we were going to talk in person and she texted that it's not going to work out. Communication on her end has stopped. What can I do? What should I do?

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My ex was perfect in a lot of ways for me. We had a very similar sense of humor (she is hilarious), we both disliked big social events, and we had compatible energy levels. I really liked her family, we were in comparable financial situations, and looks-wise, I have never been more attracted to someone.

I have always been kind of apathetic about kids. I didn't feel like I needed them, but I would have them if my significant other really wanted them. I think I could be a good father and I could enjoy it if I had a good co-parent. I thought she was the same way, but at the end of the relationship she decided she needed to have kids. This was a problem for me for several reasons:

I could be wrong on this, but I think she only wanted kids to make her mother and an aunt-like figure in her life happy. This scared me because if she discovered she really didn't want kids after the fact, you could potentially have two parents who aren't into it. It sounds less than ideal for raising a child.

She smoked weed every day. As far as I know, she wasn't getting super stoned each time she smoked, but she would take a few hits several times a day. I don't think she could make it through the night sleeping without taking a couple of hits. I don't know if she would make it through a pregnancy without smoking.

She was lazy on the weekends. I'm not sure if weed causes laziness or if lazy people are just drawn to weed. Either way, bringing a child into the world would completely change her lifestyle and I'm not sure how she would handle it. I definitely did not want to have to be a solo parent.

I was very stressed at work. I was not handling the stress well. I had gained weight and I did not feel stable about my situation in life. Stability is probably the thing I crave most in life.

I'm kind of old for starting a family. She isn't much younger.

She came over one morning and said she needed to have kids and then abruptly left. We had discussed it in the past, but it was never really more than a discussion; This time, it was an ultimatum. Even though I loved her, I didn't think having kids with her was the right thing. I gathered up her things that were at my house and headed over to her place to end things. It was an awful experience.

We still kept in touch through text messages after the fact. Sometimes she would initiate and sometimes I would. I truly loved her as a friend in addition to loving her as a partner. We made each other laugh and communicating felt good. It all changed abruptly one day though and she stopped responding to my texts until the next day or sometimes not at all. I assume she must have met someone, but I really don't know. I was really hurt, but I used that hurt to start getting back into shape physically. Work was starting to get better due to hiring another animator to help with the workload.

When I started feeling better about myself physically and emotionally, I told her I wanted to see her again. She would always agree to meet up, but then flake out when it came times to make concrete plans. This went on for months with some spans of no communication for weeks at a time. After about three months, I confessed that I wanted to get back together with her in a relationship. My feelings on several things changed due to getting back into shape and feeling much better about work. I felt stable and more able to take on starting a family with her. I tried again to get her to talk to me in person and she agreed, but then flaked out when trying to solidify plans. Eventually, she texted me that it wasn't going to work out. We never got to have a face-to-face conversation and she no longer replies to texts. I still want her back, but if I can't have that, I want to talk to her to get some closure. Does it sounds like either of those things are a possibility? I don't feel like I can move on without closure. I briefly tried online dating, but the only one I'm interested in is her.

Edited January 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Lots of incompatibilities and deal breakers.

Try not to drag this out and rehash and renegotiate the breakup.

During the relationship itself you've both had plenty of time to observe and discuss things.

You had "fun" together and " she's hilarious", but that's not enough for a future that she wants and you don't.

Stop contacting her. She's made up her mind and your pro/con arguments about kids is wasted space.

Instead, accept and make clear from the beginning that you are committed to a no kids lifestyle.

 

[elaine567]

Kids are a big deal. You didn't want then and made it clear and broke up with her when she gave you an ultimatum.
She does not want to get back with someone who one minute was breaking up with her because he did not want kids to suddenly do an about turn as he wants her back.
She is 35 she cannot trust you to not waste her precious fertile time so she has cut you off.
Leave her alone, it is over.

Even if there was no kid issue, once you break up with someone, you will find very many will not want to reconcile, as the trust is gone.
Her response to you is fairly typical. 
"Closure" is nonsense, you make your own closure.

Seems to me many men feel that a spell in the gym will cure all ills, as if looking and feeling good will cancel out all the bad stuff...
It doesn't.
She doesn't give a fig about how good you look, it is all about kids and you failed the father test... when the chips were down you bailed.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think in addition to not trusting your about-face on the issue of children,  I would nearly place money on the fact that she's probably since met someone else and is trying to give the you hint to stop contacting her. 

If she's flaked on plans to meet up at every turn and texted you to tell you it's not going to work out, I think you need to accept that a closure talk is not going to happen either. She seems to have moved on. Give yourself the gift of closure by realizing that she doesn't want to try anymore. 

 

[SeattleKevin]

I kind of forgot about this. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Honestly, it was kind of therapeutic just to write my feelings down.