How should I handle this situation with a platonic friend?

[Searching1975]

I am looking for some thoughts on how to move forward with this platonic friendship. I am a 45 year old male and my friend is a 42, year old female I have known her for 22 years.

Just to give a broad outline of the situation my friend has been in the process of separating from her partner of 18 years for the past couple of years - they have a kid and stuff so it’s complicated. About eight months she really started to lean on me and I became her confidante for almost everything. I felt at times there might be some feelings on her end
 

I didn’t mind it because I’ve always felt we might make a good match if life ever took us  that direction.  But I would not even remotely consider that unless she had a lot of distance between her current relationship and we had a well reasoned discussions  about it. Anyway, nothing has ever happened between us and everything seemed pretty cool when all of the sudden she started to distance from me.

I asked her what was up, and if she was trying to work things out with her partner, and she wasn’t. But when I asked her if she had started seeing someone she got really offended and went dark for almost two months with only half ass responses to emails and texts - she kept telling me how busy she was so I gave up.

Finally in a last ditch effort before I decided to just end the friendship,  two weeks ago I reached out again and she replied. She explained how she just felt I had somehow crossed a line and I was the only male friend who knew about her relationship situation. She said she still valued the friendship but wanted to be more casual and relaxed friends again.

i was like “ok, whatever you want”. So I thought we were cool. But I sent her an email earlier this week just letting her know about a new email address and saying I might need her business services early next year, she’s an attorney, and I got no response. 

Historically in our friendship she has never been good at deep engagement over email so I am wondering if I should just call and assume things are cool or if I should just walk away. Honestly, I feel there are some issues here that could just be resolved with a quick conversation but I feel like she is afraid to do that for some reason.

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Searching1975 said:

But when I asked her if she had started seeing someone she got really offended and went dark for almost two months. She explained how she just felt I had somehow crossed a line and I was the only male friend who knew about her relationship situation.

Sorry to hear that. She's in a volatile place . Lay back and let her reach out to you. However don't be her therapist or constant shoulder to cry on.

[Searching1975]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. She's in a volatile place . Lay back and let her reach out to you. However don't be her therapist or constant shoulder to cry on.

I hear you it's just hard because I am one of those people that just likes to directly address an issue head on so that you can move forward. Based on what I know of my friend she is someone who has a real hard time with emotional intimacy and works hard at projecting a certain image to people.  I don't think her and her SO have been "physically intimate" for a long time.

I was speaking with my therapist about this and he thought that perhaps maybe she had been interested in a bit more with me but that when I didn't  take the "bait" she went elsewhere to take care of herself while she tries to extract herself from her relationship. If that's what she's got going on I would have been totally cool with it but maybe she was just afraid that I would lose respect for her or it would ruin the possibility of something with us when she finally get's out of her situation. I have definitely noticed she has gone pretty quiet on Social Media other than just posting really elaborate profile pics every few weeks.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you are expecting even keeled very logical things from someone in the throes of a breakup.

Try not to get into analysis paralysis with this. Focus on yourself in therapy rather than formulating theories for her possible motives.

Try to step back and take things at face value. She told you that she felt you crossed the line, so it is what it is.

Swooping in on her when she's this volatile and this vulnerable is a bit more than "directly addressing issues",  pump the breaks.

Edited December 5, 2020 by Wiseman2