Coworker & relationship Blow up has me ruminating

[blocker]

Last time I posted, I came looking for support on an issue within my relationship, and now I am posting regarding the breakup. The shortest summary I can give is that I (f/30) had been in a relationship with my boyfriend (m/30) for 9 months. We starting dating in the beginning of covid, with lock downs and a lot of life change. I struggled with the desire to do much, during the midst of winter, covid stress, and probably just in general not feeling that motivated. This lead to him begging me to do things, and some inabilities to communicate when other issues arose. We had always been committed to working on strategies such as "time outs", and researching ways to be better partners. I have never been with someone who was committed in that way. He was always pretty good to me. He looked after me, made me feel beautiful, respected, and had a "yes LETS" attitude. Things were good, when they were good. I struggled with being defensive and was working on apologizing. Contempt was something he struggled with in previous relationships, and it became an issue in ours as well. He wanted to move more quickly, and was looking for opportunities for me to show greater levels of commitment (giving him a key, moving into my house etc.). I needed time because that felt like a big step for me. I saw myself as someone who needed more alone time, while in a relationship to re charge. (I currently am feeling otherwise.)

He went into isolation, and that is where my previous post came from. Someone he works with came into the cracks of our relationship. He says her positivity, and willingness to reach out, and show kindness as something I was not giving. I would disagree. I just feel like sometimes a newer toy, is more exciting. While he was busy with work, I complained of less quality time. All he was able to give me, was time spent together working in my house. Either we worked Sundays together, and Saturday was spent -sometimes- in the same room. I was around the house. He worked. I saw him 1-2 week days, where we would usually watch Netflix. My complaint about less quality time led to a blow out, where every other issue we had surfaced. Given his work stress, this other girl, and our previous issues, he decided that he was done. That he did not have the emotional capacity, energy, or desire to be with me anymore. He said he looked more forward to seeing this girl, than he did me. My ask for quality time, and that conversation was the straw that broke the camel's back.

About a month back, he wanted to go on a break so he could focus on work. But i did not agree to the break as I felt there was a potential that I would get hurt. The goal was to focus on more positive interactions. It was working. I really stepped up my game. I understand where I went wrong in this relationship. I am struggling with the idea that I began to improve myself for this relationship, and had the desire to continue working to better as a couple, even after the texting incident. He says that I, covid, and his work stress have broken him down to a shell of a person. I find myself wondering if he ended this because he wants to be with this girl. I am wondering if he will find time for her during these crazy stressful times. He said that i can determine the next steps: whether I block him on social media, or choose to have friendly conversations, and work towards being friends. WHY? He has often said a few times throughout our relationship, that a breakup can always lead to a better relationship with the same person many months down the road. He said right now he needs to work on himself before he can revisit what happened between us. But he never said that he would re-consider us.

I find that I am blaming myself, and frustrated that I was willing to do so much to make this work. I feel angry at myself for still having hope, or reasons to believe we should be together despite how he gave up, and started paying attention to another female. I am hurt, that he is saying "no" to me. I have been in a few relationships, and can't say that I felt this distraught. I have men who have noticed that I am recently single, and these are men that I may have gone on dates with, but for different reasons never pursued them. Their attention and desire to take me out, feels slimy. Given covid restrictions (ie. stay in your house, can't socialize with more than 2 people) are making it hard for me to take my focus off the break up, and stop ruminating on my ex his decisions, and what he is doing.

I don't have a specific question, rather this feels like more of an emotional brain dump.  Given all the things I have said, I am looking for a discussion on my previous relationship. Why do I have this hope for the future with him? How can i stop wondering if he will give time to her? How can i let go of the idea that maybe he will end up with her? How do I stop ruminating and blaming myself? Should I be going out with these guys to bandage my feelings? Why is it that he won't delete me, and is open to communicating as friends? When did he stop loving me? Did he love me? What am I being blinded by. The idea of focusing on myself right now feels really hard.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that . You dodged a bullet

He sounds like a huster/manipulator trying to worm his way into your house after just a few mos.

Like a tick🕷️ or a tapeworm🐛, he'll just move to the next target.

Delete and block him from everything. Change the locks. If you have to see him at work, professional only. No personal chitchat.

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

>>He said he looked more forward to seeing this girl, than he did me. 

>>I find myself wondering if he ended this because he wants to be with this girl.

blocker, read these^^ two statements.  Not quite sure what you're wondering about, after reading your previous thread (flirty messages) and now this, it's quite obvious the answer is yes. I'm so sorry.   

You saId you've made mistakes, we all have.  Take what you've learned from what you believe were your mistakes with you into your next relationship.

Brighter days ahead.  

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

After not receiving more commitment from you when he asked and after his isolation his feelings changed and he ended up falling for the other girl who was giving him what he wanted.  TBH, it doesn't sound like you two were very compatible and had different desires for what you wanted in a relationship.  He probably feels more compatible with her.  He hasn't blocked your number because he doesn't want to hurt you and probably does hope you two will evolve into a friendship because he doesn't hate you.  I think the reason you are taking this so hard is because your ego is hurt because of the other girl.

[blocker]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

>>He said he looked more forward to seeing this girl, than he did me. 

>>I find myself wondering if he ended this because he wants to be with this girl.

blocker, read these^^ two statements.  Not quite sure what you're wondering about, after reading your previous thread (flirty messages) and now this, it's quite obvious the answer is yes. I'm so sorry.   

You saId you've made mistakes, we all have.  Take what you've learned from what you believe were your mistakes with you into your next relationship.

Brighter days ahead.  

 

Well I think the confusing part is he says he is so broken that he would basically fall for a serial killer if they showed they cared enough about him. He claimed that he felt drawn to her because he felt like she cared to check in. But then he dropped that our breakup was not because of her. It was because of me, his mental state, the stress and the pandemic.He also said that if emotional cheating is being drawn to someone who feels like they care for no self serving reason than that is sad that I could not even compete against that. Furthermore he said we  had history, a pre-established connection, felt comfortable with each other. He added in that I was more attractive and was more well off. The only thing she had going for herself above me was that she cares. But he kept saying "i am not even sure if there is anything there." He really did not want to make it about her, but i see where he dropped comments about her throughout the breakup message. 

I am think I am confused because he says things about looking forward to seeing her at work, being confused by his thoughts, but then goes back on saying we are breaking up because of me/him and not her.

Edited December 5, 2020 by blocker
more detail

[blocker]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

After not receiving more commitment from you when he asked and after his isolation his feelings changed and he ended up falling for the other girl who was giving him what he wanted.  TBH, it doesn't sound like you two were very compatible and had different desires for what you wanted in a relationship.  He probably feels more compatible with her.  He hasn't blocked your number because he doesn't want to hurt you and probably does hope you two will evolve into a friendship because he doesn't hate you.  I think the reason you are taking this so hard is because your ego is hurt because of the other girl.

I trusted this guy. More than I had ever trusted anyone. He would come to me with things like he wanted to go see his exes kid. We would talk about it and come to a solution so that he could do this, and we would both be happy. So when he lied to me about the messages, it revealed something that I had never seen in this guy before. I do think the breakup would be easier if it wasn't for another girl. I just keep thinking how easy this will be for him to take some time on his own, with the support of another. It just feels unfair that he doesn't have to go through the rejection like I am. So ya, my ego is so hurt.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, this dude was no good for you. Judging from your post, you have low self-esteem and subsequently low standards. For one, you continue to see this guy who was pretty much cheating on you and are still hanging on even when he left you. Why do you think that you do not deserve better treatment than this from a guy? Do you think that it is because you didn’t feel ready to give him a key? Also, your OP is framed that he is a great guy and it is entirely your fault for not playing your cards right. The whole OP presupposes such a messed up logic I don’t even know how to deconstruct it, but I assure you that it is messed up. 

But to answer your questions. Break ups tend to suck. It takes time for most people to “get over” them.  I think that you should take some time for yourself and invest in yourself. Maybe with time and getting your self esteem healthy spot,  many of these other questions that you have asked about him will become moot. You will probably never get the answers to those questions. It won’t matter because he will be old, irrelevant news.  If you think you will find some enjoyment in dating, then date. It can be a great confidence booster and fun pastime. Don’t assume it will bandage your feelings about this, though. It sounds much deeper. 

 

[blocker]

18 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Judging from your post, you have low self-esteem and subsequently low standards.

 

I am honestly just trying to understand where I went wrong, and really what more I need to do to work on myself. I do find that I am putting blame on myself, and just ruminating about how good he was vs where i messed up. I mean, the confusing part is I don't know what part of this shows low esteem, and even how one begins to work on that. Can you explain?

Quote

Why do you think that you do not deserve better treatment than this from a guy? Do you think that it is because you didn’t feel ready to give him a key? 

I don't think it  has anything to do with the key. I think it all has to do with how towards the beginning he was so good to me. Maybe I did not recognize it until he began pulling back. He asked for more time with me in the summer, then when work started again in September, work took over. He felt good about just giving me scraps of time, and wrote it off as giving me all the time he had. So maybe it is that i feel i owed him?

 

Quote

Also, your OP is framed that he is a great guy and it is entirely your fault for not playing your cards right. The whole OP presupposes such a messed up logic I don’t even know how to deconstruct it, but I assure you that it is messed up. 

I know you said you don't know how to deconstruct it, but I would be interested in hearing. Are you referring to the text post, or this one? I feel like anything at this point will help me understand things better. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by blocker

[TeddyBundy1993]

Hes a strange man, very manipulative. He did his job move to another romantic interest of his life by leaving you. What you fail to realize is he wasnt into you that much as it appeared to you.  Another mistake was moving towards commitment too fast. 

Quit any contact with him,  it's the best for you.  Take time off before dating again. Finding a rebound is a strong urge after you break up but it end up in a disaster as well. In other words its not a healthy way to deal with your loss. You'll stop ruminating by time. What does in his life is not your business. Be thankful he showed his true colors very early. Cut him off, make him understand you are not taking his bulls*** anymore, he can play his dirty games somewhere else. It takes times, to feel yourself again after such nasty bumps dont rush into anything. You are a desired women so finding a date isnt a difficult task. 

[Acacia98]

It's difficult to see because you're the one in the situation, but this guy was manipulating you, possibly from the very beginning. There was no reason on earth for him to mention this other woman except to make you feel insecure, like there was a competition between you and her. I think it's called triangulation. Any guy who does that is not looking to build a strong relationship with you.

The best thing you did was to not give him your keys or have him move in with you. 

He's not staying connected because he cares. He's doing it for an ego boost. He knows he has your full attention. You may be stalking him online, pining after him. He likes the attention.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, blocker said:

 he says he is so broken that he would basically fall for a serial killer if they showed they cared enough about him. 

OP, does this sound like something a normal, well-adjusted and mature adult says?

This dude is a weirdo. 

Bonding over past trauma and working on "strategies" to improve the relationship just 9 months is the sign of an unhealthy relationship. I'm sorry to say, but it very much sounds like he's dating this other woman now - and thank god he won't be your headache anymore. Don't try to be friends. He fancies himself a magnanimous and intellectually-developed being when really just sounds like a self-important tool. 

Stay away from men like this in the future. 

[blocker]

7 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

Hes a strange man, very manipulative.

 

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

It's difficult to see because you're the one in the situation, but this guy was manipulating you, possibly from the very beginning.

 

I really want to take this opportunity to in the future see these signs up manipulation. I am not defending him, but I would appreciate if we could talk about where signs of manipulation are seen in my post. If someone could elaborate, that would be greatly appreciated.

[blocker]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, does this sound like something a normal, well-adjusted and mature adult says?

 

Well no. But he made it clear to me that the way he was treating me, and speaking to me was not healthy. This was PART of the reason why he did not want to be with me. He recognized that when he was speaking to me, and or dealing with situations that he was quick to anger etc. Secondly, he stated that our relationship, work, the pandemic had beaten him to a shell of a person. So relationship problems aside, I believe that he was struggling to maintain "normal" "well adjusted" "mature adult" behaviours. He said he needed time away to reflect on what were relationship issues, what was work stress, what was him, and what was pulling him towards this other girl. And at this point, he was not with it enough to have those answers. 

[Acacia98]

On 12/5/2020 at 1:42 AM, blocker said:

He was always pretty good to me. He looked after me, made me feel beautiful, respected, and had a "yes LETS" attitude. Things were good, when they were good.

(...)

He wanted to move more quickly, and was looking for opportunities for me to show greater levels of commitment (giving him a key, moving into my house etc.). I needed time because that felt like a big step for me. I saw myself as someone who needed more alone time, while in a relationship to re charge. (I currently am feeling otherwise.)

(...)

He went into isolation, and that is where my previous post came from. Someone he works with came into the cracks of our relationship. He says her positivity, and willingness to reach out, and show kindness as something I was not giving.

 (...)

Given his work stress, this other girl, and our previous issues, he decided that he was done. That he did not have the emotional capacity, energy, or desire to be with me anymore. He said he looked more forward to seeing this girl, than he did me. My ask for quality time, and that conversation was the straw that broke the camel's back.

(...)

He says that I, covid, and his work stress have broken him down to a shell of a person.

(...)

He said that i can determine the next steps: whether I block him on social media, or choose to have friendly conversations, and work towards being friends. WHY? He has often said a few times throughout our relationship, that a breakup can always lead to a better relationship with the same person many months down the road. He said right now he needs to work on himself before he can revisit what happened between us. But he never said that he would re-consider us.

Indications that he was manipulating you? Well, almost everything in the quote above.

But the thing that stood out the most to me initially was the way he "befriended" this other woman and started comparing you to her regularly when things didn't go the way he wanted in the relationship. In healthy relationships, people don't compare their lovers to other people, past or present, in the name of addressing relationship issues. A decent guy would not do that because it understandably would make his lover feel insecure, unsure about her place in the relationship. And that happened to you, right? You felt insecure, so you stared jumping through hoops to prove that you were worthy, that you really loved him. And he continued praising her, making you feel inadequate, and ultimately dumped you. He was gonna dump you anyway. People who behave that way eventually do. 

The other indicator that he manipulated you and suceeded is the fact that you seem to believe much of what he says. It's almost like he's a prophet whose words should never be questioned. You don't question his version of events as much as you should. You don't seem angry with him for dragging another woman into your relationship (it doesn't matter whether or not they were physically involved). 

Then there's that melodramatic BS he fed you about his being a shell of his former self because of you and other factors. I mean, come on! It's obvious he's trying to guilt trip you there. What exactly are you supposed to have done to him that was so terrible that it destroyed him? Did you keep comparing him to a male friend/colleague or an ex-boyfriend? His goal is to make you feel the break-up was your fault, not his. It's a nice way to set you up for a lifetime of guilt and trying to make it up to him.

There's also the nonsense he told you about the possibility of reconciling and having a better relationship. He did that to give you hope, make sure you wouldn't move on when he ultimately dumped you. Then he went on to clarify that he would never reconcile with you. The point of saying that and similar things is to destroy your self-esteem over time.

In light of his mistreatment of you. I can't help thinking that, at the beginning of your relationship, when he seemed to be such a good boyfriend, bending over backwards to accommodate you, he was love-bombing you. That's another form of manipulation. The goal is to get you to drop your guard, weaken your boundaries. And then once you have, he can start pushing you to do things you're not comfortable doing (e.g. giving him your keys, having him move in). 

By the way, it is perfectly reasonable to feel you're not yet ready to live together at the one-year mark (let alone 9 months). It wasn't wrong for you to feel that way. (I felt like that needed to be said.)

For more information about manipulation, do searches for terms like "love bombing" and "triangulation relationship" and "triangulation manipulation" on Google or some other search engine. I'm convinced you'll find articles and videos that will give you deeper insight into the dynamics of your former relationship.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Acacia98