Fiancé of 4 years has left the home

[Dan111]

Hi All.

I’ve often read these forums over the years and hoping some of you might be able to help me out.

my fiancé Of 4 years is leaving me, she’s been acting quite cold with me for some time so I kind of knew it was brewing. 
I had been trying my hardest to keep her happy but nothing ever seems to work.

we have a lovely home that we just spent a whole lot of money renovating for over 2 years but unfortunately is still not finished, this has caused a big strain but I would not say is the whole reason for our issues.

she is very career driven and I’m a bit of drifter, her dad and brother are both builders and I work in I.T.

I wasn’t the best at DIY originally but I’ve improved a lot but she expects me to know how to do what her dad and brother do, professional trades men. 

I earn an ok salary at £35k but it’s never enough. 
she is a school teacher and honestly she loves teaching but it drains her to exhaustion and when I mention about having children she cannot think of anything worse. 
Before me she was used to dating a few guys who had a lot of money. 
she would like me to earn a massive amount of money so she could go part time, she’s mentioned that countless times.

i’m 35 so I would really like to start a family but it doesn’t bother her, she is 30. We have a little dog together who is our world also. 
Sex used to be daily and now it’s like once a month which i find very hard, my sex drive is much higher. 
I’ve stopped trying because of rejection.

lock down hasn’t helped much and I’m stuck in working from home every day and she kind of resents me for being at home with the dog in the warm, she gets jealous she has to go out to work.
 

I do all the cooking, breakfast,lunches,dinner, and probably 90% of the house hold chores. She comes home from work and hardly has to lift a finger. 

I’ve never tried so hard in a relationship to try and make somebody happy, which is where my down fall is... I’ve tried to hard.

she’s also become quite nasty over very little things, for instance like if some of the cleaning products are not stacked up correctly she will start shouting.

we spoke last night and she said she knows she’s become not a nice person at times due to being unhappy in the relationship, we’ve been down this road before and things go back to being good for short term and then back to s***. 
 

in the past I’ve always tried to win her back but recently I have been saying to myself I deserve so much better. 

she does some mental health issues and I’ve always supported her so much to the point where I could not leave her alone; I would have to cancel my plans last minute often because she would start crying. 

now she says I’m always living my life through her, pussy footing around her too much, like baby sitting her.. she’s right but it’s because half the time I never know what side of her I’m going to get! 

I think I have been fairly shallow in the past because she is really beautiful and I think I used to clutch at that, she is a kind person and I do still love her but she says we should both be happy and not forcing it..she said she doesn’t feel like it’s natural anymore.

I do feel quite alone, my mum has moved away, my brother is in London, my friends all have there own life’s. 
 
we still need to get a new kitchen fitted that we spent another £7k on 1 month ago and my dad was going to fit in next month, feel embarrassed to ask him now as we will be selling the house and he has done so much work here over the 2 years. 

I always pictured myself with a little family and happily married by now but I guess that’s life.

she slept in the spare bedroom last night and has her bag packed to go stay at her mums in the morning. 
When the tough gets going she always runs off there.

not sure how I’m going to cope. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by PhilUK

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it seems like a lot of incompatibilities came out recently through the house renovation and the work from home issues.

What was supposed to be the timeline for marriage and kids?

Do you co-own the house? How long have you lived together and when did the problems begin?

How do you plan to sort out her departure?

[Dan111]

We never really properly discussed a time line for kids or marriage. 
The cost of the house has taken a priority really and then kids etc after 

Yes we own the house together, we lived at her mums together for about a year and then just over 2 years together at our own house. 

I would say for about a year we’ve had some problems. 
she is very hard working for her job but when it comes to house jobs she really is lazy, I get fed up doing everything and rather than vent I become quite moody and do not speak much.
Her mum also done everything for her whilst living at home. 

I’m not sure because we cannot sell the house in its current state, more jobs need to be done first. 

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like a stand off. You shut down, she shuts down. 

Now the resentments about the house are so bad, she's staying with family.

Since coowning this fixer upper has become a financial and logistical nightmare, focus on that first.

Whether or not you patch things up, you'll have to address coowning this house and getting it in decent shape to either live in, buy her out or put on the market.

Can you afford to buy her out and keep the house?

How were things before the house issues? Can you pay her family to get it in shape since you are not the DIY type?

Sounds like she's had it with the house stuff and putting life on hold for a handyman special.

 

[lee179108]

Ok 

 

1. Who the f  does she think she is wanting you to work full time and her going part time.. doesnt work like that and if any strong, independant hard working woman would not want that. If she demands that you earn more money then thats not what a genuine girl is.

2. Totally unfair resenting you for working from home.. its not your fault, its the profession that youre in.. if she has to go to work then thats her problem for being in that field. I work in education and i've been working from home a lot..  she has to deal with that.

3. If you do all the cooking, chores etc and she doesnt appreicate that then you may be dodging a bullet here by getting out of this relationship. 

Me and my ex gf broke up this year.. in August and we experienced similar things to you. Im still not 100% and only last night I saw her on tinder after all the crap she told me... she too said she had mental health issues and i tried to help, but she didnt want it... she went straight to her mum. It was like one minute she was interested then by the flick of a switch she wanted nothing to do with me. I havent heard a word from her in like 2 months now. You've done nothing wrong, you're trying to support and make her happy and it seems like shes throwing stuff back in your face. If shes packed her bags to leave then let her go, dont even beg or ask her to come back.. you do you and if she wants you she will make that clear but she has to put effort in now. Dont be embaressed about the thing with your dad..  they will always be there for you no matter what. I remember i used to live with one of my exes.. broke up and lost about 5k  but my parents never mentioned that as they support me. 

Another thing is if you want a family etc and she doesnt.. then get with someone new who will want that, where you wont even have to try and make them happy. I know this is all easier said than done, im in a breakup situation right now and i feel like crap.. everyday i think of her and god even sometimes ive woken up in the night thinking of her.. but it does get easier day by day. A lot of things can happen in a year for you. But based on everything you said you cant go on this long road of unhappiness. 

[Acacia98]

Sounds like your fiance doesn't actually appreciate you for who you are. Instead, she's set impossible standards for you to meet: make more money, be handier, be emotionally supportive, stop babysitting me... Basically be something other than who you are. And she quite happily shifts the goalposts to keep you running around aimlessly. You'll never be able to please her.

She doesn't appreciate what you actually do and bring to the table. Add to that the fact that the division of labor in your home is skewed.

And then you want kids and she doesn't seem to want any. So on top of living in misery, there's a major incompatibility between you.

You say something about her being kind. But I'm not sure about that. You've pretty much described what sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. What would a kind act be in that context?

You're right. You've tried too hard to please her. It's time to disengage, let her go, and try to regain a sense of who you are and what matters to you.

[Dan111]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Sounds like your fiance doesn't actually appreciate you for who you are. Instead, she's set impossible standards for you to meet: make more money, be handier, be emotionally supportive, stop babysitting me... Basically be something other than who you are. And she quite happily shifts the goalposts to keep you running around aimlessly. You'll never be able to please her.

She doesn't appreciate what you actually do and bring to the table. Add to that the fact that the division of labor in your home is skewed.

And then you want kids and she doesn't seem to want any. So on top of living in misery, there's a major incompatibility between you.

You say something about her being kind. But I'm not sure about that. You've pretty much described what sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. What would a kind act be in that context?

You're right. You've tried too hard to please her. It's time to disengage, let her go, and try to regain a sense of who you are and what matters to you.

Wow you pretty much read my mind.

I often think in my head that no matter what I do I can never please her, she never appreciates anything I do and I try so hard. 
 

She doesn’t accept me for who I am.

Usually if we fall out all I can think about is trying resolve the situation and get her back but this time I feel different. 
 

She left the house today, strangely enough I was looking on my phone at old photos and noticed that exactly 2 years ago today she also left the house for a few days and stayed at her mums. Really weird. 
Her mum only lives 100 metres down the road.

in frustration I said to her you did exactly the same thing to me two years ago and as I was leaving the house I told her I wish I had never met her, she started crying and I shouted as I was walking down the stairs that the relationship was a waste of time. I then took the dog for a walk. 
 

Not my finest hour and I do feel bad but I’m kind of sick of always being Mr Nice guy... I haven’t contacted her since. 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Dan111 said:

in frustration I said to her you did exactly the same thing to me two years ago and as I was leaving the house I told her I wish I had never met her, she started crying and I shouted as I was walking down the stairs that the relationship was a waste of time. I then took the dog for a walk. 

This story sounds a lot like my ex-wife. And I think @Acacia98 pretty well hit the nail on the head with her post. When you're doing your best and life is pretty good overall, if she sees problems with everything rather than appreciating good fortune, convinces herself that you are the problem... man, there's really not much you can do. What I have learned though, is that it's a mistake to go into pacification mode and try to appease her every whim to regulate her moods. Her dissatisfaction originates from within, and you can't fix it. The fact that she externalizes her malcontentedness and drama, with you being the primary receptacle, will wear down the positive aspects of your personality over time until you hardly know who you've become.

The way to deal with her in the short term is to quit appeasing and become gently assertive. Don't try to talk sense to get her back into a positive mood, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way," and use "I" statements to say how you feel. Basically you're refusing to engage in the usual way where she gets to play the victim and treat you like the person who holds the key to her happiness but intentionally withholds.

You said she has mental health issues but don't say what they are; is there a diagnosis? I have a pretty good idea [probable] but would rather hear what you presume it to be, or what she has been diagnosed with and is being treated for.

I know this feels terrible in this moment, and I certainly empathize with the distress and upset... but imagine how you'd feel (or who you'd be) after 10-20 years of this relationship dynamic. Think big picture my man, and hang in there. You know you're a good person and have given it your best. Not everything is fixable by just trying harder or appeasing more. I may have more to add after you respond.

[d0nnivain]

As a woman my 1st thought was OMG you have been engaged for 4 years with no plan to get married.  That would aggravate me too.  

Whatever set her off -- the lack of money, the house dragging on & draining the budget, her exhaustion -- doesn't matter.  She expressed it all poorly -- by withholding sex & snapping at you.  

It's not fair for her to expect you to do all the household chores.  

There may be a path to reconciliation through counseling but without professional intervention, she's not going to be willing to talk.  If she's unwilling to try or accept her role in the problems, you are going no where.  

As much as you don't want to burden your dad with more work, you can't sell a house without a kitchen.  Get that installed & get the place ready to be shown if you want top dollar.  Let dad file a mechanic's lien for his work (unless her tradesmen family could assert a larger lien)  Don't lose your investment out of spite.  

[salparadise]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There may be a path to reconciliation through counseling but without professional intervention, she's not going to be willing to talk.  If she's unwilling to try or accept her role in the problems, you are going no where.  

It's a common assumption here on LS that the solution to MH problems is counseling... going to a counselor is like taking the car to a mechanic for a tune-up. Of course there are things that counseling can help with, but the personality feature of being fundamentally dissatisfied and externalizing it onto a spouse probably isn't one of them. I've been involved in the mental health field enough to have accepted that the idiom "a leopard does not change his spots" is firmly grounded in reality most of the time. I don't think this is specifically about him, the kitchen, or any other complaint on her list (although I'm sure she will sound convincing). I suspect this is a woman who cannot be satisfied –– period. But regardless, appeasing is not the solution. 

[deepthinking]

 "she would like me to earn a massive amount of money so she could go part time"  

She is into money, and so you must stay in the house just do not end up in a bedsit while she goes between her mother's  home and yours conniving to get the house during the separation. Let her stay at her mother's because then you have a genuine need of the house, a home, which she will obviously not have. as her mother has her.  Sorry you're going through this.

Edited December 5, 2020 by deepthinking

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, Dan111 said:

I earn an ok salary at £35k but it’s never enough. 
she is a school teacher and honestly she loves teaching but it drains her to exhaustion and when I mention about having children she cannot think of anything worse. 
Before me she was used to dating a few guys who had a lot of money. 
she would like me to earn a massive amount of money so she could go part time, she’s mentioned that countless times.

This relationship has been all about what her needs are and not about what your needs are. Huge incompatibility right there. You two have never been truly compatible from the start of the relationship. Maybe on the surface it seemed that way, but the truth has finally surfaced: you two just are not compatible. You both resent each other and you both give each other the silent treatment, instead of discussing how you feel in order to resolve conflict. So, your similar communication style regarding conflict won't help either of you resolve this. You both resent each other, and feel ignored by the other. 

I think your instinct kicked in that she's just not compatible with you, and you chose to ignore your instinct to leave because of the huge financial investment in the house, which is a terrible reason to stay with the wrong person. This reminds me of that author Elizabeth Gilbert of the book, Eat, Pray, Love. She divorced her husband when she realized they never really wanted the same things; they never really accepted each other's differences. At least you can walk away from your fiance and start over; find someone who accepts you for your $35K salary, who doesn't need you to be a handy-dandy repairman, and who accepts you for who you are. Your fiance just doesn't accept you -- she never did. 

[Dan111]

I would certainly agree that she has never accepted me for who I am. I have often have found myself thinking that I have always accepted her for her flaws but for whatever reason I’m not enough. 
 

She has had terrible anxiety  in the past, to the point where she could not do anything alone or even be left alone in the house. We have often suffocated each other because of it. I like occasionally playing the computer but she would go mad and stop me doing that also.

I would often have to cancel going to see friends,gym,football literally last minute because she would fear being in the house alone. 
she has improved a lot of this in the last year and now says I don’t do enough things alone, but it’s because she created this environment..Covid hasn’t helped. 

She has always had a very negative outlook on life and I always thought I could change that but I cannot. 
I am a laid back kind of guy and she is the total opposite. 

I am surprisingly feeling ok and slept okish which I didn’t think I would.

I think it’s because I know I have put my ALL into this relationship and she is still not happy. 

I just don’t think we are compatible, I know I will go up and down in waves and probably be crying later 

Edited December 6, 2020 by Dan111

[Wiseman2]

She's not happy, you're not happy. A great deal of that is this house and living together .

So... You can make lists of how bad she is, but it's not going to solve your problem of having to untangle the mess of buying this handyman special together.

Perhaps see your banker and an attorney to start figuring out how to undo this mistake.

[Watercolors]

15 minutes ago, Dan111 said:

She has always had a very negative outlook on life and I always thought I could change that but I cannot. 
I am a laid back kind of guy and she is the total opposite. 

I am surprisingly feeling ok and slept okish which I didn’t think I would.

I think it’s because I know I have put my ALL into this relationship and she is still not happy. 

I just don’t think we are compatible, I know I will go up and down in waves and probably be crying later 

Glad you feel good about the truth coming out about you two not being compatible for each other. 

Just imagine how much worse it would be if you two had married. 

Is the mortgage of the house in your name? Or is her name on it too? 

If I were you, I'd keep the house and ask her to move out. It's your house after all. 

Grief does happen in waves. Let yourself go through the grieving stage so you can heal from this relationship breakup. You'll be better off in the long run b/c you deserve to be with a woman you are 100% compatible with. 

[Dan111]

The house is jointly owned. 
We spoke yesterday about how best to move forward to get the house finished to sell. 
I would not be able to afford to buy her share out and also with the house being so close to her mums it’s not something I would want either.

I feel so confused, half of me is still wanting this to work but when I think about the future I don’t think anything would ever change, we would just slip back into old habits and start argueing again. 

I want to be a father and she still seems to be on fence about children, maybe because she’s not happy with us and our current relationship. 

I feel old at 35, all my friends have settled down and have children.

I always seem to get myself in shape to attract a girl and then as soon as things get comfortable I stop going to the gym.

I look like a stick now and she says I’ve lost weight, I’ve lost all my muscle definition.

I seem to struggle with self motivation and it drives her mad, I just seem to drift through life.

I always pictured myself with her forever, least I have the dog for company. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Dan111 said:

The house is jointly owned. 
We spoke yesterday about how best to move forward to get the house finished to sell. 
I would not be able to afford to buy her share out and also with the house being so close to her mums it’s not something I would want either.

I feel so confused, half of me is still wanting this to work but when I think about the future I don’t think anything would ever change, we would just slip back into old habits and start argueing again. 

I want to be a father and she still seems to be on fence about children, maybe because she’s not happy with us and our current relationship. 

I feel old at 35, all my friends have settled down and have children.

I always seem to get myself in shape to attract a girl and then as soon as things get comfortable I stop going to the gym.

I look like a stick now and she says I’ve lost weight, I’ve lost all my muscle definition.

I seem to struggle with self motivation and it drives her mad, I just seem to drift through life.

I always pictured myself with her forever, least I have the dog for company. 

Sorry you have to go through this, but it’s better that you do, because you already know she’s not the right partner for you, marriage-wise. You already know marrying her would be the wrong decision because it won’t fix how incompatible you two are. You can’t fix incompatibility. It’s not possible. 

Shame about the house. Hopefully you two can sell it and that you have time to find another place to move into that you can afford. 

You have more than your dog (glad you took the dog). You have your self-worth back. You have your integrity back. You have your identity back. You lost those while you lived with her, didn’t you? She constantly judged and criticized you, and you allowed her to. 

You are not old at 35. You are young. Your life may feel like it’s over, but it’s not. Now, you just have to go through a rough transitional period as you break up. Maybe find a counselor you can check in with once a week, who will help you stay focused on the break up and how to emotionally cope. 

in hindsight a year from now, you will feel so much relief that you broke up with her because you know deep down in your heart, how incompatible you two really are. You both deserve to be with partners you’re each more compatible with. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/5/2020 at 8:24 AM, Dan111 said:

she does some mental health issues and I’ve always supported her so much to the point where I could not leave her alone; I would have to cancel my plans last minute often because she would start crying. 

What sort of mental health issues?

Is she receiving any kind of treatment? 

Why did she cry when you had plans? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Dan111 said:

We spoke yesterday about how best to move forward to get the house finished to sell. 

Excellent. Agree if you were to go forward the same habits/patterns would continue. It doesn't matter what her issues, mental health, etc. are.

What you do know is you have to get her/her family to buy you out or get her/her family to fix it up for sale if they/she don't want it.

Make sure you cover your bases legally in severing assets like this. It's best to stop rehashing the wherefores and whys of the relationship and focus on extricating yourself . Pondering what her mental health is, why she cries etc., will hold you back from doing what you need to do.

[Dan111]

She came round yesterday and we had a really long good chat.

there was no hate involved, we both discussed our differences and how we have been making each other feel.

we both have decided to have some space and really think about what is best for both of us. 
 

I have booked a bricklayer to come in on Saturday to do some work rather than wait for her dad and also I have the plumber coming later today.

My heart is still wanting to make a go of it but my head is saying it’s probably for the best to move on and find somebody that accepts me for me.

Thanks for all the advice 

[JRabbit]

Honestly from your take you sound like a great catch, a great partner.

Aside from the sex, what about the rest of the relationship. Not the house, jobs etc, but dating and spending time together?  Was this happening at all, or just too much nastiness being spread around?

IMO, your fiance sounds like a nightmare.  Where is she is giving you at all, what you want in life? In even the simple things like having a helping hand around the house?

If she doesn't want children now, it is not likely to change. It sounds like she would rather be a kept women.  If you want children, you might end it on the sake of this and open yourself up to a whole new life with someone who will treat you fairly and also would be open to children.

 

[Dan111]

Yes if anything we spent too much time together, I like my alone time to play the computer or play football, she was never good at entertaining herself, no hobbies. Then I felt I couldnt always do these things, but she does acknowledge that she done these things because she felt so scared to be alone at times. She is in quite a high powered job and last year she was contemplating quitting work purely because her anxiety was so severe.
she had quite a traumatic childhood and it’s affected her in certain ways. 

 I mean because of covid we was limited to what sort of date night we could do. 

I've never felt so confused in my life,  for anything to work major changes would need to happen and I’m not sure she is actually capable of that unless she sought professional help.

I’m trying to envisage life without that person. The sad heartbreaking songs are not helping! 
I’m off to the gym now. 

[Dan111]

So here is the latest. 

My partner is a school teacher and on Thursday they had a massive outbreak of Covid and my partner has been in close contact with some of the covid positive students. 

her mum who she was living back with told her to not stay at hers because her mother works in a care home for elderly people and was worried about bringing the infection into the home. Which is fine. 

So she’s been back at the house the last few nights but staying in a separate bedroom.

She should get her covid results tomorrow and if negative she plans to go back to her mothers. 
 

I’ve found it really hard her being here, she’s been ultra friendly and trying to talk to me a lot like I’m supposed to be all cool with the break up.

Ive tried to keep the space and be out of the house where I can. 

I feel utterly confused if I want to patch things up or not, I asked her what her thoughts were and she said she feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders since we separated and thinks it’s still the best decision. 
she said let’s give each other more space  once she goes back to her mums and see. 

I think I must be crazy to even want to work things out with her when the vibes I’m getting she actually seems happy now. 
But also if I’m totally honest I’ve felt more relaxed when she’s not home. 

I even put the Christmas tree up just to try and cheer myself up and she said I had done a crap job and should take it down or do it better basically. It’s not amazing but I kind of got sad and didn’t feel Christmassy half way through. 

Everything has to be perfect with her though, life isn’t perfect. 

 

[Watercolors]

Well having her stay in the spare bedroom will bring up your feelings for her, even though you two are broken up. That’s just awkward. 

Hopefully her COVID test is negative. If it’s positive, she’ll have to stay in that bedroom and not leave it with you around. You’ll have to leave her meals outside the door for her too, and do this for 2 weeks minimum. Are you prepared to do that for her if she tests positive? 

I think you and she need to sell that house and cut the profits from the house sale straight down the middle. After she finds out her COVID test result you two need to have a serious adult conversation about selling that house. It’s the one link that keeps you two entangled with each other; trapped in a sense. This is why you should NEVER EVER buy a house with a b/f or g/f. 

If I were you I’d start looking for another place to live right now. If you have the savings and the income to move, you need to move out of that house. The longer you stay there, the longer you will be trapped in the past about the r/s and second guessing yourself about the r/s with her when it’s clearly over between you both. 

As a teacher, is she not teaching 100% distance yet? Or is she teaching in a hybrid model (where some students come 2-3 days a week and some come on alternative days to school). That’s not a high powered job by any means. Teaching is stressful but its not high powered. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

I know you want children but count your lucky stars you haven't had them with her. Someone wrote that she's a nightmare and I agree. Yes, renovating a house together isn't easy but this woman's behavior sounds really troubled to me from all you've written, whether or not you're renovating a house together.

Why didn't things work out for her with all the guys she dated who made so much money? Bet I can take a guess. She's too much work for any man.

You can definitely do better. There are other beautiful women out there. Find one who treats you well.

Again, WONDERFUL that you don't have children together!

Get that house fixed up and on the market, friend! You're going to do so well when you get the house AND the woman behind you!