Fiancé of 4 years has left the home

[Crazy_8]

Hi Dan,

If it's any help to you, I'm also going through exactly the same - infact Im in a similar position to you.

You say that she has been snappy/nasty to you over minor things - This is the same for me. I think this is the sign that in their heads, they are done with the relationship

I've also become like you too, almost like a servant to her - to keep her happy. 

She left me for good almost a week ago, Im left in the house alone and it really is hard just to be present alone in the house at the moment.

The fact is that has probably been brewing in her head long before you noticed. Partners can sometimes burry their issues and not even raise any concern, so you are left in the dark with no warning whatsoever.

Ultimately I'd just say keep busy mate, I'm sleeping at someone elses house for now until I come to terms with whats happened. 

Feel free to reply/comment on my post. We got this.

Edited December 13, 2020 by Crazy_8

[Dan111]

Hi Crazy8,

As awful as this sounds but hearing somebody else go through the Same situation kind of makes me feel better. 
 

She even recognises that I’ve become a servant to her just to always keep her happy and knows it’s not right.

It’s like the one who is actually trying the most and putting the most effort in is the one who kind of gets left. 

I’m round my dads, step mums and sisters today and it’s a good distraction just talking to people. 
 

May I ask how long you were together? did you live together? 
I know I’m only 35 but it does bother me having to start all over again. 

She still hasn’t had her covid results so she’s currently at home, we are still getting on fine, probably better now as we don’t speak much.. 

 

[Crazy_8]

We are lucky that we have family to support us like this and being around them more is definitely going to help. Im staying over my mothers again tonight. Feel like a teenager again! 

We were together for almost 5 years.. officially 3 though. 

Sounds like you're able to keep things civil. The one thing I'm reminding myself at the moment is I do not need or deserve 'closure'. I've read a post on this forum that basically says why getting closure is pointless. The damage is done and thats all there is to it.

At least we know in future that simply 'serving' our partners does not mean it is in anyway a stable relationship. It just means one party has an upper hand over the other. 

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry to hear that. Incompatibility.. She seems to want someone that is more of a breadwinner like she’s dated before,  so she doesn’t have to work as much, so it might be making her resentful. She doesn’t  share enough  household chores so it’s making you feel resentful too. Incompatibilities on both sides can make people nitpicky and moody with each other. 

[Dan111]

I’m really struggling with no contact.

I’ve been fairly strong about the situation and whilst she’s been at her mums for coming to 2 weeks now we have had very limited contact unless about the house or dog. 

I cannot decide if I want to continue the relationship, I still do love her and now we’ve had some time apart I’m really missing her.

however I’m not prepared to say anything as I don’t think she wants to pursue the relationship, at least that was the case two weeks ago. 
It’s starting to hit home that I may have lost her for good 😢

[Crazy_8]

How you feeling today Dan?

I'm totally in the same boat with the no contact situation. It's up and down for me. When I'm busy I'm fine, but as soon as I'm at home where she would usually be, it really starts to make me feel sad.

I think in both our situations, even if we love them - reaching out again is only going to strengthen their power over the decisions that were made and make us look desperate.

We need to stay strong.

[Dan111]

Hey man, 

Actually she came round to our home yesterday to see the dog and we chatted like old times, laughing etc.

then she left and unfortunately somebody crashed into her car and so she called me and asked for help, which I did etc.

I kind of got the feeling if I said to her ‘ok let’s try again’ she would.

The she calls me last night at 1am saying she can’t sleep because of the crash and stuff. 
 

because of all the talking and laughing with her I’m feeling confused today. 
half of me really wants to welcome her back but I just know things would go back to before. 
 

how are you holding up? 
Any progression with the house? 
I’m in tier 4 now so I’m quite isolated. 

[Dan111]

Hi All,

I’m just looking for some comfort.

i had been coping with the breakup relatively well and me and my ex had been actually getting on very well as friends only to each other until today... 

she popped round to take the dog for a walk and I just made a passing comment that I was missing her. 
she responded by saying ‘no you don’t, you’ve made no effort at all, you don’t care.. actions speak louder than words etc’

This hurt me and I explained that she has to remember she has left me and has done this about 3 times now, I’m not always going to keep chasing her.

anyway this then turned into a huge argument where usually I just shut up and stay quiet because her temper can be volatile, this time I did not.. 

All the of the arguments are directed at me not doing enough, how I should change etc.. 

today I told her I wanted her to go away and think about what she’s not been doing, never cooks, never washes up, never hoovers etc. 
she didn’t like this at all and couldn’t stop crying and said about her bad mental health and she’s struggling with life. 
 

We both said some things we probably regret, she got very defensive and said she just wants to build a stable future for the family and to work hard.. which I do. 
but I said it’s never good enough. 
 

she then mentioned that she worry’s if we had a child that her mental health would suffer and would probably get post natal depression and would have to give up work. 

she constantly worries about things that have never even happened.

I said all she cares about is money and she said it’s not all that, it’s her mental health etc. 
she basically said she hates all my family.

anyway it ended very badly and she was balling her eyes out and said she was going to do something stupid and if her family ask questions then it’s my fault basically. 
 

I feel absolutely terrible now, I hate seeing her crying, I didn’t mean to be horrible but I just wanted to say how I felt. Although in the heat of the argument Neither of us was probably the nicest. 

I texted her later on in the day and just said all I ever wanted was for us to be happy and raise a family and I’ll always love her but unfortunately we are different people and things haven’t worked out. 

she didn’t reply. 

Feel so lost now. 

[maggiemtn]

Hi Dan, 

I know how you feel. Our situations are similar in our same age, wanting a family, but for the people we were with, it’s just not a compatibility. 

I know y’all have a house and that complicates things, but for me, it’s best to not try to be their friend or have them able to show up when they want or be the first person they call when something goes wrong. Her mom lives down the road, she could’ve and should’ve called her. I’m finding breaking up is hard to do both in our positions and from the people who left us. They’re still people too, with feelings and jumbled thoughts, and all that. 
 

Since it’s not feasible for you to go full NC, I would establish clear boundaries that will protect your mental well-being throughout this process and allow you to start to heal. Everything you said in your post is saying she’s not the right one for you, not the right person to build a family and a future with (as I’m sure my post says to everyone else too, but it’s hard for us to see that when we’re the ones doing the day to day with our exes!). 
 

You seem like a great guy and this will pass. You’ll find someone who wants to go play football and to the gym with you and you guys can enjoy that! You’re not alone. Today has been a bit hard for me as well. But just know that you deserve better than someone telling you your Christmas tree skills suck...I mean, that’s a new one! 😂 You’ll get through it for the better. You got this! 

[Pumaza]

Never do big stuff with people that aint your wife /hubby.

Like buying home and stuff.

Cause there is no comitment so they can easy walk out without feel responsability and there is no commitment as marriage.

Its not.like you a bum.You work a nice job .nice income.But she wants more???

When you find the love of your love finance stability is important but not all you want. You focus also on loving eachother.

This sound like a mess.

Get a therapist if you dont know what the issues are. And life shows, people that want kids and dont make.any,will regret till their old years.So if you want kids be with someone that wants kids to. And before marriage discus your plans, see what she wants also and make a time line.

Dont do things rackless. Make sure you marry,before getting to the other big stuffs. Like home,sex, and kids. 

And dont focus on looks.But make sure its something real from both sides. 

Have a serious convo with her.And work on fix the house in a simple good way on things that need to be done,sell it and move on.

And use this days she away to think,walk in the park think what u want,talk with ur dad or mom or a elder that u got good relationship with. 

And know alllll relationships got issues at some point. So see if u chicken out now just or its really something u need to end.

All the best.

[Ruby_Red]

@Pumaza- That’s a little restrictive to tell people to not do anything big if you’re not married. That means you have to get married for every single thing you wanna do that’s “important” to you? I don’t think so. You need to take a risk in life, or if you don’t, just make a contract.

[Gaeta]

Dan111: She told you with REAL clear words who she is, believe her. She uses her mental illness as an excuse for everything, maybe she can't have children because of it, or maybe she can't work because of it, or maybe she can't be in a relationship because of it. There is nothing good for you at the end of that rainbow but pain. Imagine yourself in 5 years with this woman, she's home with your child, unable to be a proper mother, unable to work, and when you get home after a long day at work to support ALL of you she nags, cries, complains, has breakdowns. 

This breakup is a blessing in disguise. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Break-ups are painful and don't go smoothly. All you can do is not allow pop by visits and make specific mutually agreeable appointments for her to collect any of her belongings. Don't fall into the dog as a child visitation nonsense.

If/when she comes by keep in it strictly business. The emotions are too raw now to keep rehashing or renegotiating the breakup.

Ignore manipulation about mental health . After you break up, that's her and her families concern.

[salparadise]

13 hours ago, Dan111 said:

anyway this then turned into a huge argument where usually I just shut up and stay quiet because her temper can be volatile, this time I did not.. 

All the of the arguments are directed at me not doing enough, how I should change etc.. 

today I told her I wanted her to go away and think about what she’s not been doing, never cooks, never washes up, never hoovers etc. 
she didn’t like this at all and couldn’t stop crying and said about her bad mental health and she’s struggling with life. 

@Dan111  I hope you are starting to see more clearly now how this all works, because you just give a good synopsis here^. Read it again. She does nothing, no cooking, cleaning, etc., yet you are the terrible person that she blames everything on. The Christmas tree incident is another metaphor. You put up a tree to try and find a little shred of peace for Christmas, and she tells you what a bad-bad person you are for not having done it correctly and to her standards. You are expected to cater to her every whim, but she plays the MH when you point out that she does nothing. Calling this an imbalance is just wrong, because it implies that it could easily be rebalanced –– not so,  this is as inside out and upside down as it gets.

I think she does have serious mental health issues, and I suspect something in particular. You have been asked a few times if she has a diagnosis or a name for issue, but you have refused to answer. I've been involved in the MH field, and I was married to someone who had some behaviors that you've described in your girlfriend. I know what this dynamic is, and it will never just sort itself out.

How about you try this... when you're feeling okay (not reacting) make a list of the things––benefits–– you should expect in a good, healthy relationship. Think about this objectively and independently of your current situation. Let's start with the five A's as defined by David Rich:  Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing. Add more regardless of whether they may be included in the A's. What you're going to find is that this relationship is all about you meeting her needs, but there is no reciprocation... as in ZERO. Think about it, you are expected to work and bring home the money, cook, clean and renovate... and all she does is criticize you. 

I am going to say something now that may sound hard, but it's not. It's truth and it's tough love:  she is not the only one in this relationship with mental health issues. Why do I say that? Because, and this is not a joke, nobody in their right mind would stay around solely for the purpose of soaking up the abuse this woman is heaping onto you. It's called "codependence." Melanie Beattie's famous book is entitled Codependent No More, and you should own it and study it. Man, you have completely accepted that your needs don't matter, that you have no right to have your needs met in a relationship (because you aren't worthy, like she says), and that your existence ought to be dedicated to meeting her needs.

I'm hoping that by seeing it clearly a switch in you brain will be flipped and you will start doing what's right for you. 

[healing light]

Research narcissistic abuse, borderline personality disorder, co-dependent relationships, etc. Familiarize yourself with these concepts because this woman exploits your empathy with her tears and uses her mental health as an excuse to not be a full partner and have you service her every need. You can tell she's already preparing you for a life in which she will not work with the latest conversation.

You're suffering from withdrawal of an addiction and loss of your identity in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship, not actually missing "her" but the amount of energy you have invested into your idea of who she could be and the life you could have. That's all a fantasy. She is showing you who she is and it's not someone who can be in a healthy relationship with anyone. Her snapping at how you align cabinetry items or put up a Christmas tree should have been a massive red flag for you symbolic of the power dynamics in the relationship and the level of eggshells that you've had to walk on to accommodate her ever-shifting moods and goal posts.