Lost, need guidance

[Johnathan 47]

Hey hopefully some people can give me a much needed outside perspective here. First about me I guess. 43 married, no kids ever, same woman no kids since 2004. I take my vows very seriously. I am actively screaming, begging, and pleading to save my marriage. 

 

We've had almost a miscarriage a year, one at the start of this year again that we had named and I talked to and asked to please stay. This nuked me. In every way possible, it devastated us both. So it's been 2020! I ended up going on a leave from work, took the time to work on personal issues related to my PTSD. My wife asked me to work on it so I have. After the miscarriage she put on weight. Then more because of the lockdowns and stuff, no gym, we both gained some. Now, I don't really care. We're not talking a little, she's right around 300lbs. now. Still, I don't really care. However, if we want kids in the future doctors have said previously she needs to lose weight. She was never skinny but definitely a little cuddly! Which is how I liked her. In fairness when we first got together she was probably between 150-170lbs. and I even told her that I kinda get it. We both went through emotional pain but she went through physical as well. 

It's been 9 months and sex 5 maybe 6 times. She's complaining about the weight herself but won't do anything. Won't have sex unless she wants it and yes I've tried different approaches. I felt she was withholding sex since I took my leave from work, punishment for only doing what she asked me to. I've asked her to work on herself and she isn't.

 

Here's why I'm posting in here now. 

 

She has a friend. I know dumb dumb. I don't ever want to be close to being that guy and absolutely no chance of success here. But it got me thinking of what if there's someone even similar out there. But here's the confusion part. The friend is a single mom, says I'm a great man as a role model type to have around her son. Her son asks for me, he's only 2. She's gorgeous. She loves the same movies I do, excellent cook, we're able to talk about anything for hours. There was an interesting time, it was cold one morning when she came over. We are sitting on the couch all three of us. Me, her in the middle and my wife on the other side under a big blanket just having coffee with music going. She slid towards me and snuggled just a bit. She had a choice I thought to myself. She even had me go to get the Christmas tree with her and her son.

Twist time. 

So, I keep trying to see if my wife wants me still, as I continue to make suggestions for us both to work things out and she just blows it off. The friend invited me out to help with her son while she was getting a better job real quick. Had fun playing with him in the car, he wanted to sit on my lap and play driving. Then we went to a daycare place for him and it was fun, exactly what it should've been for kids. After we go to a little coffee shop, get lunch and awkward city. She tells me she has to drop me off, she needs to go have a little"rondezvous"? Meaning she needs to drop me off to just go f a guy. 

 

I have major problems. I have an appointment don't worry! I want more yet I know I shouldn't. I get fulfillment from spending time with a little one I never got. I get time near a woman that takes care of herself and is actively evolving and smells fantastic. I then I got an emotional bombshell I wasn't expecting or prepared for. I shouldn't care at all. But it was like going on an interview for the dream job you want and then hearing the position has been filled, literally by someone else. My wife said oh yeah she has a guy but even she says he'll never meet her son. He's just used for sex. 

Now I'm really confused! Why would you have a person that you wouldn't want to be around your son? And am I supposed to be dad but oh yeah none of the so called benefits? 

 

I will never cheat. My mother raised me not to, it's ingrained in me. 

 

At most here's the most outrageous thing I am considering. Leaving my wife and spending time alone to analyze what I did wrong. How did I fail my wife? Her friend I figure will hate me so no future there. But if, if, there's maybe someone out there that I could feel alive with instead of dragging to the finish line wants to slide across it yelling Yee haw with a few scars! Being the what I feel is the best guy I can be in my situation is very hard. Being alone scares me I won't lie. I mentioned earlier I have PTSD which comes along with depression. But I have worked really hard this year on conquering it and am back to myself and have become better. I don't want to leave my wife but I feel I have no choice. I have asked her to get to a doctor and see what's going on, for us or even just her to go to counseling and it seems to be falling on deaf ears or she fools me for a week or two into thinking she's working on it. I feel like I've been abandoned by her when I also really needed her. But I'll digress.

Any direction, advice, direction, words welcomed. I will try to answer any questions and please remember I'm just lost, trying to save my marriage and have a full life is all. I don't wish to be a bad guy but I am alive. 

Thank you...

 

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, Johnathan 47 said:

Hey hopefully some people can give me a much needed outside perspective here. First about me I guess. 43 married, no kids ever, same woman no kids since 2004. I take my vows very seriously. I am actively screaming, begging, and pleading to save my marriage. 

 

We've had almost a miscarriage a year, one at the start of this year again that we had named and I talked to and asked to please stay. This nuked me. In every way possible, it devastated us both. So it's been 2020! I ended up going on a leave from work, took the time to work on personal issues related to my PTSD. My wife asked me to work on it so I have. After the miscarriage she put on weight. Then more because of the lockdowns and stuff, no gym, we both gained some. Now, I don't really care. We're not talking a little, she's right around 300lbs. now. Still, I don't really care. However, if we want kids in the future doctors have said previously she needs to lose weight. She was never skinny but definitely a little cuddly! Which is how I liked her. In fairness when we first got together she was probably between 150-170lbs. and I even told her that I kinda get it. We both went through emotional pain but she went through physical as well. 

It's been 9 months and sex 5 maybe 6 times. She's complaining about the weight herself but won't do anything. Won't have sex unless she wants it and yes I've tried different approaches. I felt she was withholding sex since I took my leave from work, punishment for only doing what she asked me to. I've asked her to work on herself and she isn't.

 

Here's why I'm posting in here now. 

 

She has a friend. I know dumb dumb. I don't ever want to be close to being that guy and absolutely no chance of success here. But it got me thinking of what if there's someone even similar out there. But here's the confusion part. The friend is a single mom, says I'm a great man as a role model type to have around her son. Her son asks for me, he's only 2. She's gorgeous. She loves the same movies I do, excellent cook, we're able to talk about anything for hours. There was an interesting time, it was cold one morning when she came over. We are sitting on the couch all three of us. Me, her in the middle and my wife on the other side under a big blanket just having coffee with music going. She slid towards me and snuggled just a bit. She had a choice I thought to myself. She even had me go to get the Christmas tree with her and her son.

Twist time. 

So, I keep trying to see if my wife wants me still, as I continue to make suggestions for us both to work things out and she just blows it off. The friend invited me out to help with her son while she was getting a better job real quick. Had fun playing with him in the car, he wanted to sit on my lap and play driving. Then we went to a daycare place for him and it was fun, exactly what it should've been for kids. After we go to a little coffee shop, get lunch and awkward city. She tells me she has to drop me off, she needs to go have a little"rondezvous"? Meaning she needs to drop me off to just go f a guy. 

 

I have major problems. I have an appointment don't worry! I want more yet I know I shouldn't. I get fulfillment from spending time with a little one I never got. I get time near a woman that takes care of herself and is actively evolving and smells fantastic. I then I got an emotional bombshell I wasn't expecting or prepared for. I shouldn't care at all. But it was like going on an interview for the dream job you want and then hearing the position has been filled, literally by someone else. My wife said oh yeah she has a guy but even she says he'll never meet her son. He's just used for sex. 

Now I'm really confused! Why would you have a person that you wouldn't want to be around your son? And am I supposed to be dad but oh yeah none of the so called benefits? 

 

I will never cheat. My mother raised me not to, it's ingrained in me. 

 

At most here's the most outrageous thing I am considering. Leaving my wife and spending time alone to analyze what I did wrong. How did I fail my wife? Her friend I figure will hate me so no future there. But if, if, there's maybe someone out there that I could feel alive with instead of dragging to the finish line wants to slide across it yelling Yee haw with a few scars! Being the what I feel is the best guy I can be in my situation is very hard. Being alone scares me I won't lie. I mentioned earlier I have PTSD which comes along with depression. But I have worked really hard this year on conquering it and am back to myself and have become better. I don't want to leave my wife but I feel I have no choice. I have asked her to get to a doctor and see what's going on, for us or even just her to go to counseling and it seems to be falling on deaf ears or she fools me for a week or two into thinking she's working on it. I feel like I've been abandoned by her when I also really needed her. But I'll digress.

Any direction, advice, direction, words welcomed. I will try to answer any questions and please remember I'm just lost, trying to save my marriage and have a full life is all. I don't wish to be a bad guy but I am alive. 

Thank you...

 

sir, I hate to break this to you, but you are already engaged in an an emotional affair.

My husband lives with PTSD, and I see how had it can be for him. The thing is, often times when he lashes out, he isn't even aware of it.

With all due respect, before you make any major life decisions, I would get some more therapy, both on your own and with your wife. If you are unhappy enough to consider leaving her, tell her this! Not as a threat, but  as a statement of fact. You also need to tell this other woman to leave the picture. You can't not possibly deal with your marriage when you're emotionally invested with someone else. it's like trying to wash a shirt while you keep dumping dirt in the water.

It also sounds like you and your wife have some grieving to do. That's actually hard work and really painful- I'm so sorry you are both in that place.  I'm wondering if the reason your wife gained all the weight is she's scared of getting pregnant on going through the loss again. Losing a baby is like losing a dream.

[BaileyB]

^^^ Hit the nail on the head. 

I’m sorry that life has been such a struggle for you both. I’m sorry for the loss of your children. Comfort may be found in the arms of another, but the solution to your marital problem is never to be found by turning away from your marriage. Counselling is very important for you both, regardless of whether you decide to stay or end your marriage.  Counselling is important if for no other reason that you both want to get to a place where you can have happy futures - together or apart. Best wishes. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Milly May June]

I am very sorry for your losses. Miscarriage is devestating and tragic for every couple who dream of being parents.

The advice already given above is good advice. 

Gently, both you and your wife are grieving. You dont write how old your wife is. If she is in your age bracket and not able to carry full term she likly feels like she is failing you as a wife and maybe even as a woman. If children have been part of your dream then she is slowly coming to terms with that her biological clock is ticking and she might not be able to realise this dream. To me it sounds like she is depressed. 

As others have mentioned, some individual councling for both of you will do you good. Marriage councling too.

I would also have an honest conversation with your wife to discuss what your options are if she can not bear children. Is adoption and option for you? Surrogate mother? And what is worst case scenario? If there are no children in your future as a couple, can you accept that? Can she? Are you two enough for one another? 

It sounds like this other woman and her son represent a fantasy life for you. I think your emotions to her are bound in longing for a happy family of your own. She is not an answer to your problems, rather the oposite. If you enjoy spending time with her son then do so but please do not engage with her in any way. Snuggling up to you on a soffa is inappropriate. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Milly May June

[Johnathan 47]

I just love how I'm nuts and evil after being ignored for over a decade. Didn't know I was going to be attacked by a pack of women. Any male perspectives in here? Seems like everyone in here must've be previously dumped lousy wives...

Edited December 5, 2020 by Johnathan 47
Misspelling

[Milly May June]

Any direction, advice, direction, words welcomed. I will try to answer any questions and please remember I'm just lost, trying to save my marriage and have a full life is all. I don't wish to be a bad guy but I am alive. 

Thank you...

^^^^^

You asked. We gave. Noone is attacking you or thinks you are evil or nuts. Well, maybe now with your latest post. Anyways. Good luck in what ever you do. 

A not so lousy wife OUT from this thread... 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Milly May June

[mark clemson]

I'm male and I agree that what makes the most sense LT is to see if your marriage stands or falls on it's own accord without the impact of a third person. These EAs are often band aids on an unhappy situation, which it sounds like yours is.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Johnathan 47 said:

I just love how I'm nuts and evil after being ignored for over a decade. Didn't know I was going to be attacked by a pack of women. Any male perspectives in here? Seems like everyone in here must've be previously dumped lousy wives...

Are you talking about this discussion?? How in the world did you hear THIS, from the advice that has been posted. 

[pepperbird2]

On 12/5/2020 at 3:42 PM, Johnathan 47 said:

I just love how I'm nuts and evil after being ignored for over a decade. Didn't know I was going to be attacked by a pack of women. Any male perspectives in here? Seems like everyone in here must've be previously dumped lousy wives...

I am going to chalk up your reply to the stress it sounds like you're under