dating is hard enough without covid

[grays]

So I live alone, but with my two sons here half the time (they count as company, my two fave people, but not really as emotional support).  I’ve actually *dated* two different people during all this, both times men who were clear that they were very careful when we weren’t together and considered me to be in their small pod of people.  But both of them left me feeling more lonely after they’d leave than when they got here, just not on the same wavelength and soaking up my attention without giving back.

A few weeks ago a guy who I dated a bit over three years ago started texting.  At first I was skeptical bc there were reasons we stopped dating but now I’ve spent time w him twice and I’m feeling like he could be a viable option of someone to spend time with or more.  Like, I’m surprised how much I’m liking him and how good I feel around him.

Tonight would be a potential third time seeing him.  I sent him a text saying basically “kids going to their dad’s tonight, do you wanna come over.”  His response was, “I do but not sure if I can, I’ll lyk.”

The first couple of times I saw him I felt torn over whether it was an acceptable risk but I was (am) just feeling lonely af after having been basically alone all this time.  I’m definitely suffering from covid fatigue.  I believe tho that things are much worse now and worse every day as we move forward but that three months from now we’ll be out of the woods or very close.  So I’m not keen on throwing any caution to the wind.  

But his text today highlighted for me how hard my competing concerns are.  I want so bad to have someone to spend time with who I really feel comfortable with, it’s been over three years since there was someone in my life like that.  I want it for this lockdown period and I also just need it in the bigger picture.  It is so rare that I feel this comfortable with someone and I don’t wanna let go of it.

Pre-covid, I would never have considered asking him to divulge the details of his social/dating life after two dates.  And while 95% of my angst about this is about being safe, some of it comes from desperation because I am so lonely and adrift and I can’t do what I’d normally do when feeling lonely (I used to go out dancing multiple nights of the week, only spent time alone when I wanted to).  And I don’t know how much of it is “I want him to want me as much as I do him!” and feeling like him even possibly having plans tonight makes that unlikely.  

It’s hard enough to come from a place of strength under normal conditions, but this question of how to navigate a new relationship and keep myself safe is just a nightmare.  I usually f*** it up, so I can’t imagine this ending well.

I want advice but I don’t know what that would look like.  Covid-caution is such a personal thing and people are obviously all over the map on it.

 

[BaileyB]

Do you have any girlfriends from whom you can seek emotional support? Or family members? Or a counsellor who can be found through insurance or another form of covid mental health support? 

I’m not going to offer you support on dating during covid, because I think if I was dating during covid I would happily use it as an excuse not to date... 😂 I just want to remind you that companionship and emotional support can be found in other ways than with a man. 

[grays]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Do you have any girlfriends from whom you can seek emotional support? Or family members? Or a counsellor who can be found through insurance or another form of covid mental health support? 

I’m not going to offer you support on dating during covid, because I think if I was dating during covid I would happily use it as an excuse not to date... 😂 I just want to remind you that companionship and emotional support can be found in other ways than with a man. 

I have three girlfriends here that I’m really close to, but I only see one in person with any regularity.  One of them has four kids and is just busy and the other is having her own heavy issues right now.  I have no family other than my kids.  I think that’s a big reason that this has been hard.  These three friends of mine all either live with family (two are taking care of elderly parents and have their siblings around for help) or see family on a near daily basis.

I don’t think this is a mental health issue. I think I am better in a couple, it’s kinda my natural mode, I was married for 25 years.  Pre-covid I was pretty patient about letting it happen when it happens.  But the way things are now, I do really wish I had someone.  I’d feel that less if I had other adults in my life.  I would love to be hanging out with a guy I really liked, but I’d be open to any kind of healthy companionship.  

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, grays said:

Pre-covid, I would never have considered asking him to divulge the details of his social/dating life after two dates.  And while 95% of my angst about this is about being safe, some of it comes from desperation because I am so lonely and adrift and I can’t do what I’d normally do when feeling lonely

I totally get it, feel somewhat the same. I was really enjoying talking to a man right when the pandemic started, but he was really gung-ho about Covid and virtually nothing was known about it at the time, so I told him no.

That said I told the man before him no too because he was having sex with someone else whilst wanting to get to know me better! I do ask that question right off, I'm not good at sharing! It's not just Covid infection risks, plus I've met men who think nothing of cheating on their wives and girlfriends...that would never work out long term for me. I believe in loyalty and fidelity. I'd never trust someone who already showed me 'I can't be trusted'.

39 minutes ago, grays said:

 I would love to be hanging out with a guy I really liked, but I’d be open to any kind of healthy companionship.  

You'd have to like someone to be around them, there is no healthy companionship unless you really like the person. 

5 hours ago, grays said:

my two sons here half the time (they count as company, my two fave people, but not really as emotional support

Love that! I have one son and honestly if he wanted to live together again during this crisis I'd be fine with that, he's good company too, though as you say it's different in terms of emotional support. It's easy for us to become burdens to each other when there's great love between parents and children, and I'd want him to go live a full life like I did, mistakes and all...and that's not really possible in the shadow of your mother! Or son!

Hoping things get easier all round when vaccinations for Covid are available.

Hang in there- no plague lasts forever.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, grays said:

So I live alone, but with my two sons here half the time  .  I sent him a text saying basically “kids going to their dad’s tonight, do you wanna come over.”  His response was, “I do but not sure if I can, I’ll lyk.”

Sorry to hear that. It's understandable that you feel isolated and lonely.

It seems like you haven't adjusted to being a divored single parent and seem a bit desperate for company.

Try your best to get more involved in life and keep yourself busy with friends, family, work, interests, clubs, groups, sports,etc.

Even support groups for single parents.

Make sure you are not leaning on your kids this much for company.

Your text to him indicates that you can't stand being alone and are desperately trying to fill voids.

Prepare better for when you have free time.

Asking randoms to come over for hookups because the kids are gone is certainly not "covid conscious" and an empty existence.

Reorganize your life to accommodate your need for companionship and company.

[BaileyB]

It’s hard when you don’t have family and your friends are busy with their own children or their own lives. I hear you, I have lived it (without my own children to keep me company).

Still, I get the sense like wiseman that you don’t like to be alone. You like having a man in your life, and I worry that right now any man will do because you are going back to revisit a former relationship that I assume ended for a reason...

I was recently reading a recommendation by Elizabeth Gilbert, for a book called “Wintering.” It talks about this winter, this time of covid, being a period of all of our lives where we are forced to “winter.” We are forced to slow down, to occupy ourselves in different ways, but more importantly - take time to rest and self reflect. That’s not something that a lot of us like to do. But, I have to wonder if this may actually help you toward your ultimate goal of finding a partner... just a thought. 

I’m sorry you are feeling isolated and alone. It is the one common problem of this pandemic. To quote the movie, PS I Love You, “If we are all alone, at least we are all together in that too...”

Edited December 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[grays]

18 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s hard when you don’t have family and your friends are busy with their own children or their own lives. I hear you, I have lived it (without my own children to keep me company).

Still, I get the sense like wiseman that you don’t like to be alone. You like having a man in your life, and I worry that right now any man will do because you are going back to revisit a former relationship that I assume ended for a reason...

I was recently reading a recommendation by Elizabeth Gilbert, for a book called “Wintering.” It talks about this winter, this time of covid, being a period of all of our lives where we are forced to “winter.” We are forced to slow down, to occupy ourselves in different ways, but more importantly - take time to rest and self reflect. That’s not something that a lot of us like to do. But, I have to wonder if this may actually help you toward your ultimate goal of finding a partner... just a thought. 

I’m sorry you are feeling isolated and alone. It is the one common problem of this pandemic. To quote the movie, PS I Love You, “If we are all alone, at least we are all together in that too...”

Thank you, BaileyB.  I just had a long convo w a friend about whether Im being picky enough/too picky, which resonates with “will any man do.”  He ended up really hurting my feelings last night and I cut it off.  I think people can hurt each other’s feelings and talk it out and get past it, but I didn’t get the sense that he cared that my feelings were hurt.  That crossed a line for me, so I’m done.  I’m sad that it happened and of course feeling lonely af today, but I am proud of myself for still feeling like I’d rather sit in the couch alone than with someone who isn’t right for me.

Ive been doing a lot of self-reflecting ever since my divorce and especially since the pandemic since I haven’t been going out. I have no idea if I’m reflecting on the right things, though.  But I have changed so much and definitely worked through a lot of stuff.  I don’t know if you remember how I was 4 and 5 years ago but I was running around having every crazy sexual experience you can imagine.  No regrets at all, I think I needed to get that out of my system.  But in the last two years I’ve only been with two new people and I’ve spent months at a time not dating or having any interactions with men at all.  I was actually feeling very strong and excited about the fact that I was so self-sufficient and able to get through the general scariness and economic insecurity during the first few months of covid.  I’m still impressed with myself over that!  I didn’t see other adults IRL for weeks at a time and I was ok.  But jeeez, it was not ideal and I’m feeling warn down almost nine months later.

BTW, one good thing about ending things w this guy — I do think he wasn’t being very safe about covid and very happy I’m not exposing myself to that.

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, grays said:

I am proud of myself for still feeling like I’d rather sit in the couch alone than with someone who isn’t right for me.

Good for you - you are definitely making the right decision here. I would rather find happiness alone than be in a bad relationship. 

When I was single, I loved the quote, “those who are good company are never lonely.” It reminded me that I could find my own happiness, by cultivating my own interests... of course, that didn’t always work. But, I truly believe that there is some merit in this saying...

Grays, I like you a lot! You seem like a fun and interesting woman (I love that you go dancing regularly - I don’t know that I would be brave enough to do that as a single woman but I love how passionately you pursue your interest). You also sound like a devoted and loving woman. But, I have long thought that you were on quite a journey... bad marriage, left you a) with a lot of wild oats to sow and b) with no clear idea of what you were looking for in a man/relationship. I respect that you have been exploring your options, having different experiences, and living life! I just worry that your desire to be with a man/fear of being on your own makes you vulnerable to bad relationships as your standards are set lower than they maybe should be... I’m glad you proved me wrong! 

[grays]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Good for you - you are definitely making the right decision here. I would rather find happiness alone than be in a bad relationship. 

When I was single, I loved the quote, “those who are good company are never lonely.” It reminded me that I could find my own happiness, by cultivating my own interests... of course, that didn’t always work. But, I truly believe that there is some merit in this saying...

Grays, I like you a lot! You seem like a fun and interesting woman (I love that you go dancing regularly - I don’t know that I would be brave enough to do that as a single woman but I love how passionately you pursue your interest). You also sound like a devoted and loving woman. But, I have long thought that you were on quite a journey... bad marriage, left you a) with a lot of wild oats to sow and b) with no clear idea of what you were looking for in a man/relationship. I respect that you have been exploring your options, having different experiences, and living life! I just worry that your desire to be with a man/fear of being on your own makes you vulnerable to bad relationships as your standards are set lower than they maybe should be... I’m glad you proved me wrong! 

You almost made me cry there (not so hard to do today, I must admit).  ❤️

I’m not sure if my standards are exactly where they should be or if I have the will to police them all the time, but I am aware and trying to figure it out.  

I think all of this is complicated for some, maybe most or all, people.  For me it goes beyond just wanting to be in a relationship.  I was raised by a single mom who’s family cut off all contact with her when she got pregnant at 18.  We were very close until she met my step-father when I was 10 and then it was practically as if I didn’t exist.  I started leaving home at 13 and was out for good when I was 15.  So, I think it is partly about “needing” a man, but it’s kinda more than that.  It’s more like needing a family, but a man would fill some of that void.  OTOH, I think what happened with my mother taught me not to trust or rely on anyone else.  And then what happened with my husband.  Ugh.  So that doesn’t make it easy to build a relationship.  I wonder sometimes if I’m choosing men that I can’t trust because I don’t want to trust one, if that makes sense.

The good part of the story is that I’ve been so devoted to my kids.  When my older one turned 15 I was horrified by the idea that my mother had no problem with me leaving home at that age.  It’s made me more angry at my mother but more aware of how much kids need their mother to make them a priority.  Being a mom has been the best part of my life, hands down.  And as betrayed as I was by my ex, I’m beyond grateful that I managed to pick them a good and devoted father.

So a work in progress...

[Miss Spider]

The pandemic is a lonely time for many, grays. You are far from alone. Hang in. You’ll meet the right person when the time comes.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, grays said:

 I wonder sometimes if I’m choosing men that I can’t trust because I don’t want to trust one, if that makes sense.

The good part of the story is that I’ve been so devoted to my kids.  When my older one turned 15 I was horrified by the idea that my mother had no problem with me leaving home at that age.  It’s made me more angry at my mother but more aware of how much kids need their mother to make them a priority.  Being a mom has been the best part of my life, hands down. 

So a work in progress...

Aren’t we all... Your journey has been longer than I would have thought. I’m sorry that you had to experience that, but I have no doubt that this experience has made you the mother that you are today (that should read loving and devoted mother in my original post, BTW). 

Growing older and being a parent certainly has a way of causing you to reflect on your parents differently, and your childhood, and your life - doesn’t it. I’m glad you were able to break the cycle. 

As for the men, I’m all for exploring relationships and learning about yourself... goodness, I did that for years. If I may say, some of your previous posts do make me smile because you say... there is this guy, here are his good qualities and here are the red flags... I’ve been sleeping with him for three months but I don’t think it’s going to work out for these reasons... I do think you had some wild oats to sow and that’s not a bad thing - you were in a bad marriage for many years and I’m going to guess that you didn’t have other relationships prior to your marriage - or maybe you did, given your home situation? Of course, this is me playing arm chair quarterback but you know what you want for yourself and your children, you seem very intuitive and you seem to read people very well... I’ve often wondered why you pick these men when it doesn’t seem like it’s work, it’s not going to be what you want it to be... I’ve wondered if maybe you just weren’t ready yet, you still had more to learn about yourself and these relationships. But, you seem like such a nice woman - I have little doubt that you will find the right one. It may not be on your timeline (ie now, during covid). But I do believe when you are truly ready, he will find you. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[grays]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Aren’t we all... Your journey has been longer than I would have thought. I’m sorry that you had to experience that, but I have no doubt that this experience has made you the mother that you are today (that should read loving and devoted mother in my original post, BTW). 

Growing older and being a parent certainly has a way of causing you to reflect on your parents differently, and your childhood, and your life - doesn’t it. I’m glad you were able to break the cycle. 

As for the men, I’m all for exploring relationships and learning about yourself... goodness, I did that for years. If I may say, some of your previous posts do make me smile because you say... there is this guy, here are his good qualities and here are the red flags... I’ve been sleeping with him for three months but I don’t think it’s going to work out for these reasons... I do think you had some wild oats to sow and that’s not a bad thing - you were in a bad marriage for many years and I’m going to guess that you didn’t have other relationships prior to your marriage - or maybe you did, given your home situation? Of course, this is me playing arm chair quarterback but you know what you want for yourself and your children, you seem very intuitive and you seem to read people very well... I’ve often wondered why you pick these men when it doesn’t seem like it’s work, it’s not going to be what you want it to be... I’ve wondered if maybe you just weren’t ready yet, you still had more to learn about yourself and these relationships. But, you seem like such a nice woman - I have little doubt that you will find the right one. It may not be on your timeline (ie now, during covid). But I do believe when you are truly ready, he will find you. 

I hope you’re right!  I tell myself that this is like how infertility worked in my life, for 4 1/2 years every cycle was a huge heartbreaking disappointment, but if I had somehow known that it was going to eventually end with my little one I would have had a much better time on my way there.  I’m not a religious person, but I try to have faith in myself and the process and it is easier at the times I can believe it’s going to end well.

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, grays said:

I am proud of myself for still feeling like I’d rather sit in the couch alone than with someone who isn’t right for me.

yes, that would be  lonely affair.

My marriage turned out like that.

3 hours ago, grays said:

if I had somehow known that it was going to eventually end with my little one I would have had a much better time on my way there.  I’m not a religious person, but I try to have faith in myself and the process and it is easier at the times I can believe it’s going to end well.

all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well...

Having a good relationship with your grown up child(ren) is the best gift in life. 

 

 

[grays]

10 hours ago, Ellener said:

yes, that would be  lonely affair.

My marriage turned out like that.

all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well...

Having a good relationship with your grown up child(ren) is the best gift in life. 

 

 

Thank you, Ellener!  And I totally agree.  My marriage was lonely the last, ugh, 11 years.  When I met my ex I was a high school dropout, waiting tables, and he was adamant that I achieve great things academically and career-wise.  I ended up going to a top ten law school and having a very successful tho short-lived legal career.  Then I had a baby (not all by myself!) and he turned off to me.  He wanted a high powered lawyer wife and was not excited about the idea of a mom wife.  I think it embarrassed him, made him feel like less of a feminist.  Lonely, lonely!  But everyone thought we were so perfect.  Yuck! 

I always kinda hate it when people say “but you got two beautiful boys out of it.” But of course they are worth anything it took to get them.  

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, grays said:

I hope you’re right!  I tell myself that this is like how infertility worked in my life, for 4 1/2 years every cycle was a huge heartbreaking disappointment, but if I had somehow known that it was going to eventually end with my little one I would have had a much better time on my way there.  I’m not a religious person, but I try to have faith in myself and the process and it is easier at the times I can believe it’s going to end well.

I hear you. I felt the same way when I was dating... I used to say, if only I had a crystal ball and the ability to look five years into the future - then I can relax, knowing that I will get there eventually...

I’m sure you know this, but it’s worth saying... even if you don’t find your man, you will be ok. Life can still be wonderful, you can still date, and travel, and enjoy your future grandchildren, and anything else that you want to do... although, I know it would be more wonderful with a partner and companion. 

Another of my favourite quotes, similar to Ellen’s quote above, from the movie the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - “Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it is not yet the end.”