How to stop pleasing people?

[Milly May June]

Can anyone recommend books, podcasts etc. on how to work on not being a people pleaser? 

Anyone have experience being a people pleaser but activly working to turn that around? Can you share some tips on what worked for you? 

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

Can anyone recommend books, podcasts etc. on how to work on not being a people pleaser? 

Anyone have experience being a people pleaser but activly working to turn that around? Can you share some tips on what worked for you? 

Just say “NO”

[Milly May June]

21 minutes ago, alphamale said:

Just say “NO”

Well that is the problem. Not being able to saying 'no' or feeling bad/guilty for saying 'no'. 

Edited December 6, 2020 by Milly May June

[Wiseman2]

Focus on being respected not liked so much.. 

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Can anyone recommend books, podcasts etc. on how to work on not being a people pleaser? 

Anyone have experience being a people pleaser but activly working to turn that around? Can you share some tips on what worked for you? 

Hi, Millie May June. I wouldn’t say that I was a people pleaser. I was confrontation-avoidant though, so I did have similar properties.

 

It was very hard for me to say no to people unless it was a very hard boundary. I was  likely to say yes, and then later on never do it.  i’ve gotten a lot better at it though. it took reframing and changing my perspective on some things along with your typical exposure/forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Think about the people that you like the most. Are these people that always say yes to you? Most likely not. These are people that are confident enough in themselves to say no. Being a people pleaser doesn’t make people like you more. Sure, they may come to you more may be because they want to walk all over you or because it is easy to do. But it’s not because they genuinely like you. They ought to like you for other reasons. so, practice saying no to little things. It doesn’t have to be mean. Even preceded with an apology, it can be very empowering to assert your boundaries ! 
 

[Milly May June]

49 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hi, Millie May June. I wouldn’t say that I was a people pleaser. I was confrontation-avoidant though, so I did have similar properties.

 

It was very hard for me to say no to people unless it was a very hard boundary. I was  likely to say yes, and then later on never do it.  i’ve gotten a lot better at it though. it took reframing and changing my perspective on some things along with your typical exposure/forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Think about the people that you like the most. Are these people that always say yes to you? Most likely not. These are people that are confident enough in themselves to say no. Being a people pleaser doesn’t make people like you more. Sure, they may come to you more may be because they want to walk all over you or because it is easy to do. But it’s not because they genuinely like you. They ought to like you for other reasons. so, practice saying no to little things. It doesn’t have to be mean. Even preceded with an apology, it can be very empowering to assert your boundaries ! 
 

Thank you so much for responding. I definerly identify with what you said about being conflict avoidant. That is something i have had a hard time with as well and am learning to change this aspect. Your question really got me, the one about which people i like the most. It got me thinking. And yes you are right, being a people pleaser does not make people automatically like you. For me pleasing people is so much part of my core FOO issues that i need to unlearn this behaviour. 

[basil67]

Depends on what kind of people pleasing you do.   When it comes to doing favours, hubby and I have both found that if you ask the person wanting the favour to make an effort, they never do and you're generally off the hook.

For example, hubby has good IT skills.  If they want a computer fixed, he says OK, just bring it to me and I'll look at it over the next week or two.  It's very rare for the computer to arrive.

I have pretty decent sewing skills and have so many ways to put off requests.   "Sure, but I do have a few things of my own in queue, so I'll let you know when I'm caught up".   Or "you could probably get this fixed cheaper and more quickly if you take it to a mending service"  Or "this is what kind of fabric you'll need.  Go and find some then we can do it"   Or "sorry, I don't do curtains or soft furnishings - not even for myself".     Or what I did for my best friend "let me teach you to use your machine"

Edited December 6, 2020 by basil67

[Milly May June]

Thank you Basil. I love your examples on responses. For me i dont have problems setting boundries in my personal life. My professional life is where i am mostly struggling. But i am learning to set boundries. I do set boundries but feel bad for doing it. 

[Wiseman2]

How to Deal With Difficult People: Smart Tactics for Overcoming the Problem People in Your Life

Book by Gil Hasson

[Milly May June]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How to Deal With Difficult People: Smart Tactics for Overcoming the Problem People in Your Life

Book by Gil Hasson

Great, thank you. I will check this book. 

[ShyViolet]

The key is to stop caring what people think of you and to stop feeling the need to be everyone's "friend."  You will not be able to be everyone's friend.  Sometimes you will need to offend people and risk having people get pissed off at you or not like you.  And you need to stop caring.  I find that the older I get, the less and less I care about being everyone's friend.  I put up very strong boundaries.

[Foxhall]

can be a balancing act, its easy to get sucked into a people pleaser mode,

own your own personality and dont be afraid to stand up for what you believe in- dont be afraid to let other people know what you think rather than agreeing with what they think,

I picked up a guy friend in the last year, initially I was glad as I had lost a few mates in recent years,

however this guy is now phoning me all the time and so on and I am finding this tiring,

I like my own space, 

I have now resorted to ignoring phone calls although this would make me a little guilty perhaps,

 

[Ellener]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How to Deal With Difficult People: Smart Tactics for Overcoming the Problem People in Your Life

I just read the pre-view of this online, I think I need it too! It's well-written what I read so far.

22 hours ago, Milly May June said:

I do set boundries but feel bad for doing it. 

Me too. 

I set a boundary today, and I'm still awake at 4 am and still thinking about it on and off! Even though the other person behaved badly not me I'm still thinking maybe I should not have gotten into it at all, though I did handle it better than with the last 'friend' who upset me- I put up with her for ages then had a meltdown. 

I think I definitely have a problem with work boundaries, both of those people became friends, when really I didn't like the way they treated other people at times. I think my new rule is no friendships at work situations, it crosses too many boundaries and I'm not always good with those anyway. But just reading that back- I shouldn't be making friends with people I don't really like. I think I'm overly forgiving since I've had this anxiety disorder, in terms of 'well, I've got flaws too, serious flaws', I need to think more about that.

We spend so much of our time at work, I definitely do 'people-please' to a point just to get along with colleagues if I have to be in close proximity, I think I will try to develop a 'work mindset' for my next job. 

13 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I picked up a guy friend in the last year, initially I was glad as I had lost a few mates in recent years,

however this guy is now phoning me all the time and so on and I am finding this tiring,

I like my own space, 

That's how I ended up having a meltdown a few weeks ago. I'm really stressed these days and my friend kept coming up with low-pay work solutions which benefit her as though she was doing me a favour, then changing her mind. I had been supportive with her business lots of times, so she probably didn't see it coming. I felt bad for what I said, but it did work to end the friendship. But I wasn't proud of myself for how I handled it. 

I deleted all the numbers on my phone that week, I felt a bit out of control, and my friends will tell me if I'm bothering them too much! My son said your real friends will call you/text you, and they all did within days.

Great topic @Milly May June

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Milly May June]

 Thank you Ellener for responding and I am sorry to hear this incident kept you up at night. But good for you for stickning up for yourself! 

I can identify a lot with what you written. I too have a tendancy to overanalyze situations, to question if i said the right thing, if i handled things the right way etc. Its very draining. For me the biggest challange to overcome is that in my life all people really saw in me was my preformance. Even in my childhood, my family never told me that i was loved for just being myself but rather for what i managed to acomplish in life and for what i was able to give to them. As a result i was (still am to some degree) very career oriented and I take on a lot of work. But since starting a family of my own my perspective has changed. I dont want to be valued for what i can do for others, especially for people who are not family. I want to be valued for being me. And I am a pretty good, kind and likable person. I am working to implement some tools to change my mindset but its hard taking those steps when its all I have known for almost 40 years. One day at a time 😊

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

 

I set a boundary today, and I'm still awake at 4 am and still thinking about it on and off! Even though the other person behaved badly not me I'm still thinking maybe I should not have gotten into it at all, though I did handle it better than with the last 'friend' who upset me- I put up with her for ages then had a meltdown. 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Milly May June

[Ellener]

2 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

One day at a time 😊

absolutely. I haven't been to bed at all- but I did use the time for some thinking positively.

My parents were both alcoholics, my mother's behaviour was often dreadful, and I was the oldest child, that creates 'caretaker' types like me. I have sometimes used it positively too, in jobs and volunteer work. My life has never fallen apart like this year health and work-wise, I definitely have less confidence than before. Which probably means I was investing too much of my self-esteem in other people. Well performing is like that, they laugh and they clap and come over and hug you just for singing their favourite song. But I was undercharging when I first started, finally a friendly colleague told me to charge more. That's a self-esteem thing too! and associating money with bad things from the past.

13 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

I dont want to be valued for what i can do for others, especially for people who are not family. I want to be valued for being me.

I just have a handful of friends and my sister ( overseas ) and son who care about me. As life became difficult this year I have gradually dropped everyone else, or they dropped me, maybe it's done me good long-term. I'm changing- hopefully not into a bitter old woman. But the job market is pretty brutal in America, I think many of the routine ways workers are treated are a bit 'toxic' and undervaluing of people, and the encouraging unhealthy competition. At one Kroger store near me the workers all have to do a 'huddle' every morning where they jump up and down or sing or chant- I can't think of anything more calculated to put everyone in a bad mood and quite a lot of the workers there don't last many weeks or become surly over time even when they used to be pleasant. Yesterday I looked up Aldi as they have employees sit on chairs to work supermarket checkouts which is what stores did in the UK, they do it because the worker is more efficient sitting than standing! 

Do you enjoy your work?

 

 

[Milly May June]

4 hours ago, Ellener said:

 

My parents were both alcoholics, my mother's behaviour was often dreadful, and I was the oldest child, that creates 'caretaker' types like me. I have sometimes used it positively too, in jobs and volunteer work. My life has never fallen apart like this year health and work-wise, I definitely have less confidence than before. Which probably means I was investing too much of my self-esteem in other people. Well performing is like that, they laugh and they clap and come over and hug you just for singing their favourite song. But I was undercharging when I first started, finally a friendly colleague told me to charge more. That's a self-esteem thing too! and associating money with bad things from the past.

I just have a handful of friends and my sister ( overseas ) and son who care about me. As life became difficult this year I have gradually dropped everyone else. 

Do you enjoy your work?

 

 

Hi Ellener, 

So sorry to hear about your parents. No child deserves parents who are addicts. Definetly teaches you survival skills and puts on a lot of parenting responsibilitis on the child. I also think that being a caretaker kind of makes you undervalue yourself to a degree. Almost as if others just take for granted what you give them and dont value it. I am glad you finally decided to charge more. 

I too am a loner too of sorts. I have plenty of friends but just a few deep friendships. To be honest i prefeer being alone and having my small circle. I rather enjoy a long walk home over happy hour after work. 

Do i enjoy my work? Yes. I have an interesting job in a field that brings me meaning and excitment. I get to travel a lot abroad and meet some very interesting people and see beautiful places. Its a position that requires me to have a broad but to some extent specialized Knowledge that always changes. I guess a part of me is overachieving and pleasing people at work to feel like I deserve the position that i have. Logically i know i earned my place at the agency where i work and I know i am competent enough. And I am very grateful that i have a job when so many people are struggling. 

And by the way, you do not sound like becoming a bitter old woman to me 😊. To me you come across as someone who is observent of her environment and people in it. I like that. 

Sorry to hear you are having health and work struggles. I hope things turn around soon. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/6/2020 at 11:57 AM, Milly May June said:

Anyone have experience being a people pleaser but activly working to turn that around? 

What people and things in particular can't you say no to?

Is it at work being dumped on? Is it friends/family asking for too many favors?

What exactly is a people pleaser in this context?

Are you resenting time,energy,etc being drained by people asking too much?

Are people manipulating you or are you hesitant to say no?

[Milly May June]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What people and things in particular can't you say no to?

Is it at work being dumped on? Is it friends/family asking for too many favors?

What exactly is a people pleaser in this context?

Are you resenting time,energy,etc being drained by people asking too much?

Are people manipulating you or are you hesitant to say no?

Thank you Wiseman2 for responding. Its mostly in my profession. For me i feel that some people at work know how to manipulate me to agree to be part of their projects or to get me to take on more work. I also feel good when i have made good contributions at work. It feels wrong for me just to do 'good enough'. I always go the extra mile so ppl with norice my work efforts. Some people take advantage of that. 

I do say no, more now then before but some people have problems with that and it makes me question if i made the right decision to decline to be part of a projects. I am so used to saying yes that it feels strange to say no. Dont know if it makes any sense. 

[d0nnivain]

It's work.  Who cares what they think about you?  They are people who are paid to be in your company, not your friends.  Work life balance is always a challenge but there are only so many hours in a day.  Get your assigned work done.  If you have the time & the inclination to help others, great.  If you need to decline to spend time with your family do so.  Your colleagues will get over it as long as you say yes once in a while; being a team player is important.

Remember, your employer will replace you in a heartbeat, before your desk chair gets cold.  You are irreplaceable to your family.   Let that guide your decisions.