New guy doesn't flirt back- red flag?

[babybrowns]

I started talking to this guy a couple of weeks ago. We are both in our early 30’s. He’s in the armed forces, I work in education so we’ve both got busy lives.

We have had 2 video dates and are meeting IRL next week. He is eager to plan the date well, wants to take me out for a nice meal. He texts me good morning etc every day too. So positive signs from this angle, but..

An issue I have noticed is that there is no flirting at all. And the couple of times that I have tried to flirt, he doesn’t respond to it or might change the subject. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable, almost as though he’s not that attracted to me. If that’s the case I’d rather not pursue this anymore.

Is it usually a red flag when a guy does this? 

Edited December 6, 2020 by babybrowns

[ShyViolet]

You've only had two video chats.  You haven't even met in person yet.  Maybe he just feels kind of uncomfortable over the video chat.  I think describing this as a "red flag" is a bit harsh.  Why don't you see if you have chemistry once you meet in person.

[ShakeShake]

Agreed. Until you meet in person, there's no way to know the answer to your question.

Don't make the mistake in getting carried away with all this online communication.

[Watercolors]

Looks like he's setting you up for disappointment. First, I see red flags with the way he's emotionally hooked you already, by texting you 'good morning' every morning as if you two are already in a relationship with each other. You're not. The reality is, you two are complete strangers. Remember that. Do not get lost in the fact that despite two video dates together, you and he do not know each other...at all. 

I know that it's easy to get swept up in the fantasy about the person based on their digital communication with you. But until you two spend time together in person, thats all it is: fantasy. Not reality. 

He is not flirting with you because he's not emotionally invested like you are. And you haven't had a real in person date yet. One thing I learned from the years I did OLD, do not emotionally invest until you meet in person and spend time with each other face to face. Digital communication is all founded on building fantasy and illusion and distraction from reality. 
 

Be realistic with yourself. You two don't know each other. Take his daily texts at face value and do not attach any sentiment to them. Shame on him for setting up expectations without meeting you first. He's playing games with you already. True emotional intimacy takes time to develop. Daily "good morning" texts are done to hook you on him, so that when you two meet, you wont reject him b/c by then, you'll be emotionally invested in the fantasy he's created for you about himself. This is why I stopped doing OLD. Too much game playing and false intimacy building done. 

[Watercolors]

35 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You've only had two video chats.  You haven't even met in person yet.  Maybe he just feels kind of uncomfortable over the video chat.  I think describing this as a "red flag" is a bit harsh.  Why don't you see if you have chemistry once you meet in person.

I disagree ShyViolet. It is a red flag. How can he text her flirty 'good morning' texts every day, yet on video he is cold to her. That's because he's not being his authentic self with the OP. he is playing games with her. He's trying to create false emotional intimacy with her through his daily texts, yet the reality is, he is cold to her because he's multidating since it IS OLD after all. He's probably acting this way with the other OLD women he's pursuing, not just the OP. 

Sorry OP, but he is likely this way with other OLD women he's meeting: sending them texts every day, doing video dates. Just be realistic. You need to manage your expectations about this complete stranger (which he is) and accept that until you meet him, and if things progress to dating each other, you are not exclusive or a couple right now. You are just strangers to each other. 

[ShyViolet]

48 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I disagree ShyViolet. It is a red flag. How can he text her flirty 'good morning' texts every day, yet on video he is cold to her. That's because he's not being his authentic self with the OP. he is playing games with her. He's trying to create false emotional intimacy with her through his daily texts, yet the reality is, he is cold to her because he's multidating since it IS OLD after all. He's probably acting this way with the other OLD women he's pursuing, not just the OP. 

Sorry OP, but he is likely this way with other OLD women he's meeting: sending them texts every day, doing video dates. Just be realistic. You need to manage your expectations about this complete stranger (which he is) and accept that until you meet him, and if things progress to dating each other, you are not exclusive or a couple right now. You are just strangers to each other. 

That is A LOT of projection and assumption you've just done there, on someone who she's never even actually met in person yet.  The way I see it, no harm in going on one actual date and seeing if they have chemistry.  

[Watercolors]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

That is A LOT of projection and assumption you've just done there, on someone who she's never even actually met in person yet.  The way I see it, no harm in going on one actual date and seeing if they have chemistry.  

You’re not actually addressing her post or  my response.

The OP asked if his behavior was a red flag, because he’s had two dates her on camera but then he sends her these flirty daily texts.

You don’t see it as a red flag because they haven’t gone out yet.
 

I do see it as a red flag because they are still complete strangers and his two video dates and the daily texts show her two different sides. And they haven’t even met yet. Huge red flag.
 

My advice to the OP is don’t even go out with him. If he were a standup guy he would have met you in person already. You cannot build real intimacy with on camera dates and daily texts with a complete stranger.
 

The fact that he’s using social media to create a false intimacy with you without meeting you is a red flag. That’s just common sense.

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Watercolors

[d0nnivain]

Some people are just bad at flirting, particularly military men.  My husband is so bad at it I tease him & call him Mr. No-manse because he's so unromantic but he's loving & devoted.  Go on the live date & then see how you feel.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Tell him to stop texting you every morning.

That's too intimate for your relationship with him so far. Frequency of contact should be based on "closeness." This guy is just a fly who came through the door for all you know. He doesn't merit contact with you everyday. And it's a bit of a red flag that he's doing that. He might be socially awkward or inexperienced--which can be fine--but if so, he needs you to guide him. 

Texting frequently at the start of a relationship (or dating)  is terrible for this very reason--people use it to push or try to push a relationship beyond what it is! If I can get you respond to a late night text, well I've just (in my mind) entered an intimate space with you. There must be something special going on between me and you. 

My guess: he likes you but is not confident about flirting. Doesn't know how to flirt perhaps. So he's hitting you with too many texts. But you need to get those texts to stop.  He also may like you and not feel attraction but doesn't know enough about romantic chemistry to even know he's not feeling attracted. 

 

[Miss Spider]

I don’t see how texting “good morning” is in any way “flirty.” It is just some thing that people do. He could just want to keep the ball rolling until they can actually meet next week and this is how he does it. No one knows why he does it. Ir the daily texting doesn’t bother baby Brown’s herself, it is not innately a red flag. 

Not wanting to flirt with a someone online before meeting is not a red flag either, depending on who you are. Maybe text or video flirting doesn’t do it for him. Maybe he doesn’t want to start something that might not have much of a conclusion.  Again, don’t know why but not inherently red flag behavior. 

If you’re interested in the guy, give it a few dates. Some guys just aren’t as flirty and need to warm up 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t see how texting “good morning” is in any way “flirty.” It is just some thing that people do. 

I don't see it necessarily as flirty.  But I would wager that only those who have romantic interests do this

Edited December 7, 2020 by basil67

[Watercolors]

12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 It is just some thing that people do. 

Do you text "good morning!" to strangers every day whom you've never met? I don't! And I wouldn't. 

With all due respect shorts, that's just not true at all that it's the norm for complete strangers to send daily texts to each other with OLD. The type of people who do that are carrying their red flags like a band leader waving them back and forth. 

One guy I met on FB, refused...refused to meet me in person. Yet he had no problem blowing up my phone 10-15 times a day with long text messages. I let this red flaggery go on for about 6 weeks, before I gave him an ultimatum: meet me in person or this nonsense stops. He agreed to meet me in person. The day we were supposed to meet, he texted me an excuse to cancel our first date, "Sorry, I was called into work." But he forgot that we were FB friends and posted photos of himself WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND. I was just entertainment on the side for six weeks. Why? Who knows. He was a creep. 

I don't know who this military guy is who the OP is texting with. But I think she needs to follow Lotsgongon's advice: 

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Tell him to stop texting you every morning.

That's too intimate for your relationship with him so far. Frequency of contact should be based on "closeness." This guy is just a fly who came through the door for all you know. He doesn't merit contact with you everyday. And it's a bit of a red flag that he's doing that. He might be socially awkward or inexperienced--which can be fine--but if so, he needs you to guide him. 

Texting frequently at the start of a relationship (or dating)  is terrible for this very reason--people use it to push or try to push a relationship beyond what it is! If I can get you respond to a late night text, well I've just (in my mind) entered an intimate space with you. There must be something special going on between me and you. 

My guess: he likes you but is not confident about flirting. Doesn't know how to flirt perhaps. So he's hitting you with too many texts. But you need to get those texts to stop.  He also may like you and not feel attraction but doesn't know enough about romantic chemistry to even know he's not feeling attracted. 

 

I'll repeat myself like a parrot. Texting is not real communication. It just isn't. Real communication is face to face, in person where you have body language, facial expressions, tone of voice as cues and how real chemistry develops. 

This military guy could be video dating multiple women and texting multiple women daily, just like he is with you, OP. You just don't know what he's doing when he's not blowing up your phone with texts. So, you need to set up some parameters with him tout suite. He needs to stop pushing the false emotional intimacy with you via texting b/c what you are allowing him to do, is hook you emotionally before you two even meet. He's trying to speed up the process of emotional intimacy with you, to make you an easier conquest, so to speak. 

Or, maybe he's terrible in person at flirting or he's really shy or socially awkward, so he hides behind video dates and text messaging. 

You will honestly not know if you really like him until you two meet face to face. But he has to stop the daily texts. That's too much too soon and its false intimacy he's creating with those texts. 

[BaileyB]

Go on the date and see what happens. It’s impossible to know anything until you have met the man in person. 

PS. Where do you live such that you can go to a restaurant for dinner - presumably indoors - during the age of covid? 

[Miss Spider]

You could be correct about it not being a “norm. “ And yes * to me* it would be a red flag because I am not that way, and it would be a marker of incompatibility.(I don’t like inane chat through text, periodt ).But I am not babyBrown’s. I respect your experience, but I have known people who boyfriend/husband did dumb  sht like text good morning /night every night without fail since they started talking  throughout the courting stage and they thought that crap was sweet. Idk. 
 

 I think if she doesn’t see this as an actual problem, maybe she shouldn’t be looking for one. If he doesn’t meet with her or he tries to pull something, then check him then. Her problem seems to be more that he doesn’t flirt with her, which again, not everyone is flirty off the bat 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[bonnieshona]

There are a few possible reasons it might be a red flag. One is that he’s just not interested, and he’s trying to let her down easy, and since she’s not directly asking him anything, that’s pretty easy. Another reason is that he’s oblivious. It’s not always obvious that you’re flirting, especially if the guy is less socially in tune. If that happens, and you’re interested in taking things further, ask him directly. And finally, there’s a third possibility. He suspects it, but he’s afraid to reciprocate because there’s a bit to lose if he’s wrong. He could creep her out, he could get a reputation as a creepy guy, if he’s friends with her, he could lose a friend, and in nightmare situations, she could file for sexual harassment. So the guy may feel it’s better to not risk it.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you’re interested in a guy and it’s a sign, it’s too subtle.

[Fletch Lives]

Many men don't know how to flirt well.

As for red flags, It's better to watch their actions than words. Talk is cheap, but actions scream.

If he's making dates with you, chances are he's into you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

We have had 2 video dates and are meeting IRL next week. 

uncomfortable, almost as though he’s not that attracted to me. 

Sounds like he's smart enough to know that you build attraction In Person, not texting.

This is why he planned a meeting and isn't wasting time flirting through texts.

You need to be much more confident.

Your red flags 🚩 seem almost backwards.

Meaning, excessive flirting but not setting up a meeting is a red flag 🚩, not the other way around.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Define "flirty" for us, OP. 

You said you've tried to flirt and he isn't very responsive. Can you clarify, what did you say when you tried to be flirty? 

I don't think any of us have enough information about this man to make too many assumptions at this point. 

[Calmandfocused]

Personally I don’t see the “Good morning” texts as inappropriate. In fact I see them as boring. Hasn’t he got anything more interesting to say? 
 

In any event, I think he’s just using the Good Morning texts as a platform to keep the digital connection alive until he meets the Op. I wouldn’t therefore assume this is a red flag. As some have mentioned previously; OLD is cut throat. You snooze , you lose. There’s always another around the corner who is quick to remind a prospective date that they exist. 
 

Also I think it’s actually positive that he isn’t flirting with you at this stage. He probably wants to meet you, and see if there’s an attraction between you both first IRL. Good strategy I say! 
 

I say meet up with him and go from there. Anything else at this stage is just speculation. 

[Caauug]

14 hours ago, babybrowns said:

An issue I have noticed is that there is no flirting at all. And the couple of times that I have tried to flirt, he doesn’t respond to it or might change the subject. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable, almost as though he’s not that attracted to me. If that’s the case I’d rather not pursue this anymore.

I had to read this a few times..... Because where if his "Flirty Good Morning" text even stated by OP? It's not!!! He does not flit.... There is NO FLIRTY TEXT!!! So where does the "Flirty Good Morning" text come from???

 

13 hours ago, Watercolors said:

How can he text her flirty 'good morning' texts every day, yet on video he is cold to her.

Here is the first mention of a "Flirty" text from the soldier that does not flirt... This is not from OP, this more projection and assumption.... Please stop making stuff up!!!!!

 

2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I think he’s just using the Good Morning texts as a platform to keep the digital connection alive until he meets the Op.

^^^^^  THIS^^^^^

If he sits back and does nothing as what has been suggested, OP could easily get the feeling he doesn't have interest as there is no contact until IRL meeting.. Therefor it doesn't really matter what he does, contact = Red Flag, no contact = Low interest or move on....

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like he's smart enough to know that you build attraction In Person, not texting.

This is why he planned a meeting and isn't wasting time flirting through texts.

You need to be much more confident.

I think you nailed it this time!!!

Hang back and enjoy the drama/suspense, once you meet up you can enjoy his company. 

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

An issue I have noticed is that there is no flirting at all. And the couple of times that I have tried to flirt, he doesn’t respond to it or might change the subject. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable, almost as though he’s not that attracted to me. If that’s the case I’d rather not pursue this anymore.

Stop flirting with him and wait to meet in person.  Obviously he's attracted to you or he wouldn't have asked you out.  Just pull back and let him lead.  What's the rush?

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I disagree ShyViolet. It is a red flag. How can he text her flirty 'good morning' texts every day, yet on video he is cold to her. That's because he's not being his authentic self with the OP. he is playing games with her. He's trying to create false emotional intimacy with her through his daily texts, yet the reality is, he is cold to her because he's multidating since it IS OLD after all. He's probably acting this way with the other OLD women he's pursuing, not just the OP. 

Sorry OP, but he is likely this way with other OLD women he's meeting: sending them texts every day, doing video dates. 

I do not necessarily disagree with Shy, but WC, you are spot on here^ imo..  Especially re not being authentic, attempting to create false intimacy and most likely multi-texting several women.

Daily good morning texts before ever even meeting in person?  YAWN.  Lol @ creating a false intimacy because for me, it did the opposite, it turned me OFF!  Next. 

It's so phony and contrived, I could be an alien from another planet 😳, there is no reason to be texting me disingenuous "good morning" texts before we've even met.   

How do women fall for that?  I've never understood it.  

OP, I would next this guy.  Or meet him and see how it plays out.  In the meantime, ignore phony "good morning" text messages, be smarter than to fall for these silly ploys, they're insulting.

If, after you meet in person, you click and begin dating, an occasional "good morning" text is very sweet!  

But now, before you've met?  And every morning?   What is appealing about that? 

Again, it's phony and contrived, he is most likely doing this same daily ritual with gawdonlyknows how many other women. Ugh.

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

I agree this flirting stuff may not his cup of tea. For me personally, this is a deal breaker. Flirting and friendly banter mixed with light sexual innuendo is how I like to connect. it's fun, and can be exciting and something to look forward to. IMO that means we are both comfortable with each other and a right fit. I have tried to date unresponsive guys....ugh boring!

Just look at it as a yellow flag....maybe when you meet in person he will get a little more loosened up.

Edited December 7, 2020 by smackie9

[Ruby Slippers]

I would not see this as a red flag. He might not want to put you off by being flirtatious/sexual before you even meet. Compared to the usual fare from dating sites, I'd find this refreshing.

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

...the couple of times that I have tried to flirt, he doesn’t respond to it or might change the subject.

What did you say?