Boyfriend's ex 'slides into his DMs' every 6 months

[lost_in_translation]

Hi, I am looking for advice on how to handle an issue whereby my boyfriend's ex of 5 years contacts him every six months on Instagram.

I met my boyfriend "F",  through a mutual friend in June and officially became a couple in September. I would say that our relationship has been 90% harmonious and 10% minor tiffs/arguments/miscommunications which we would be able to resolve immediately. We have love, respect and trust in each other immensely, or at least I had until tonight. 

We live in contiguous states in the northeast - him, in Central NewJersey and I, in New York City -and our dating life consisted of daily phone calls with alternating trips to see each other (he would drive to me or I would take the train down to him). Tonight after he had came to visit me and went home, and we spoke on the phone,  the topic of his ex came up and I found out she "slid into herself into his dms" recently before Thanksgiving. This wasn't the first time that we talked about his ex, as he told me before they used to talk. However, it bothered me because the ex would contact him every 6 months or so to catch up or tell him about herself but he hadn't consider her a friend so much as an acquaintance. Although they dated for 5 years when they were college, they had an acrimonious breakup since 3 years ago, and she has a boyfriend. She started contacting him since two years ago. It was very weird for me because 1) according to my boyfriend, she does nothing except reach out to talk to him about herself - the recent reach out was about her new autoimmune diagnosis and how she could not confide in her own boyfriend since he was a Covid non-believer 2) his justification for replying to her was that he wasn't cheating and only responding to her out of pity since she had a mental illness where she would threaten to hurt herself when they had been together.

I understand that he and his ex had a history together as she was his first long term relationship, but I felt that he doesn't owe her anything or should be held responsible for her in any way. I told him how weird his ex's actions were and he acknowledged that he needed to set boundaries. He hasn't even told her he was with me. He apologized to me profusely and said he will stop talking to her but another thing was that, he wasn't halting the communication because he believed he  had  done something wrong like cheating, he was stopping the DMs because I was upset.

Am I in the right or wrong to tell him not accept contact from his ex? What should i do in this situation?

I don't have any contact or communication with my exes and it was really weird that he would continue to accept messages from his ex when they are not even friends. I don't believe that my boyfriend would cheat on me but I felt very disappointed in him that he didn't think to set boundaries with his ex after he got together with me. 

 

[Wiseman2]

When you start to bicker about someone's communication with people (especially out of jealousy), you're on shakey ground.

It's not your call or job to tell him who he can't talk to or have as friends.

It is your job after a couple of months to observe if someone is right for you.

In this case you dislike and disagree with him messaging an ex occasionally.

He may just stop telling you about it.

Either way it's your decision to observe this connection he has and combined with the distance and other disagreements, decide what your investment in this will be and if it's better to cut your losses or harp on this.

[Watercolors]

I agree with Wiseman. 

You don’t have the right to demand that your boyfriend has to stop communicating with his ex-g/f. That’s up to him. You have zero right to dictate your boyfriend’s social life (who comes into it, who leaves). You have to accept everyone who is part of his social circle, whether you like it or not. That’s part of being in relationships. 

The best thing you could do for yourself is to end this relationship. If you stay, your insecurity and jealousy will eat you alive and you will take it out on your boyfriend, who will, as a result, break up with you for smothering him and controlling him in an attempt to stop his communication with his ex. 

He doesn’t have to set boundaries with his ex. It’s his choice. You are different. You don’t stay in touch with any of your exes. So, in that sense, you and he are incompatible. You need to decide if you can drop this issue of his ex-g/f communicating with him occasionally. Because the more fuss you make about it, the less he will tell you about her when she reaches out. Then, next thing you know, you are snooping through his sm, his cellphone and his laptop, looking for evidence of him cheating on you. Worst case scenario of course, but that’s the direction you’re headed if you continue on this path. 

He doesn’t sound like the guy for you. Biggest red flag is he didn’t tell her about you, his current girlfriend. So, right there he doesn’t respect and love you like you claim he does after being together 7 months. If he truly loved you, he would have excitedly told his ex-g/f about you and gushed about you to her. That would have cued her as to him no longer being emotionally available to her, when she needs to vent about her life like she used to with him when they were together. He may still have residual feelings for his ex-g/f which is why he kept you a secret. And his apologies to you are disingenuous because they said to just placate you, and get you to back off. 

I don’t see this relationship continuing on steady ground. I really think you’d be better off ending it. You’ve already crossed a line by confronting your boyfriend about talking to his ex, which he has a right to do. But you completely ignore the glaring red flag that he didn’t mention your existence to her. If you demand that he does that now, you will cement the end of this relationship which will happen sooner than later. 

When guys hide their current g/f from their exes whom they still contact, that means the guy is not over his previous relationship and his current g/f is most likely a rebound. So, there is that to mull over as a possibility as well. Healthy relationships don’t have secrets like this. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Watercolors

[Crazelnut]

OP, don't listen to those guys. You are perfectly right to define the boundaries you need in a relationship. And he is right to decide if he agrees or not. If he doesn't, there isn't much to say. He will always cross the line. You wouldn't be a good fit.

FWIT, I think your boundaries are reasonable. He should be telling any ex that reaches out that he is in a relationship with you, and then he should stop responding to her occasional attempts to engage him. I agree with you.

[Cookiesandough]

You don’t need to handle anything. That’s your boyfriend‘s job

[clia]

I don't see what the big deal is if she contacts him once every six months on social media.  Who cares?  I am friends with many of my exes on social media and occasionally here and there we might have a conversation.  It doesn't mean anything.  If you trust your boyfriend, then just let it go.  If he doesn't want to hear from her anymore, that's his decision.  If it bothers you, then end the relationship.   

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, lost_in_translation said:

his justification for replying to her was that he wasn't cheating and only responding to her out of pity since she had a mental illness where she would threaten to hurt herself when they had been together.

 He hasn't even told her he was with me.

I agree that you can't demand that he not speak to her or tell him that he's "not allowed" to message with her.  Some people do message with their exes once in a blue moon just to say hi and catch up.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with that.  However, the above is a RIDICULOUS reason to stay in touch with her, and also the fact that he hasn't told her about you is a bad sign.

Again, you can't tell him who he's allowed and not allowed to talk to.  All you can do is truly ask yourself whether you trust him or not.  Do you trust his judgment?  Does he have a habit of having poor boundaries or making poor decisions?  If so, these are all things that need to go into your decision of whether to keep dating this guy.  All you can control is what YOU do, not what he does.

[usa1ah]

Talk about being insecure. 
 

Talking to other women is not cheating by the way. 

[Bdiana88]

You’re not wrong and I have been this ex. The intentions are not innocent she is hoping for some type of spark or connection with him. A clean break is what is best for everybody. Try explaining this to him by asking him how he would feel is roles were reversed. 

[FMW]

On 12/7/2020 at 12:10 AM, lost_in_translation said:

Am I in the right or wrong to tell him not accept contact from his ex? What should i do in this situation?

You don't tell him what to do, you express your feelings about it to him.  It's up to him what he actually does, and it's up to you whether you are willing to accept it. 

You're only 6 months into this relationship, you're still getting to know each other and figure out if you are a good match.  This is one of those issues that might help you determine that.

[introverted1]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:10 AM, lost_in_translation said:

 He hasn't even told her he was with me.

Why not?

This is the only red flag I see, TBH.  Is he keeping the door open?

[JRabbit]

36 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Why not?

This is the only red flag I see, TBH.  Is he keeping the door open?

yeah, big red flag.  

I'm kind of laughing at these responses from people who say she be totally OK with this.  For what reason does the BF need to be friends with his ex, meaning she every 6 months reaches out to tell him way too much info about her life that he isnt asking for.  There is truly no need for them to be friends.  I would not be cool with it either.  The bf knows a lot about her life, and hes in a relationship with someone else. Makes no sense to me, it is not like they are actual friends.

 

[Acacia98]

8 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

For what reason does the BF need to be friends with his ex, meaning she every 6 months reaches out to tell him way too much info about her life that he isnt asking for.  There is truly no need for them to be friends.  I would not be cool with it either.  The bf knows a lot about her life, and hes in a relationship with someone else. Makes no sense to me, it is not like they are actual friends.

IMO, the boyfriend is a happy and active participant. He hasn't told his ex he has a new girlfriend. So, clearly, he doesn't want the nice half-yearly chats with his ex to end. 

[JRabbit]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

IMO, the boyfriend is a happy and active participant. He hasn't told his ex he has a new girlfriend. So, clearly, he doesn't want the nice half-yearly chats with his ex to end

Exactly! And the GF is supposed to be ok with this?

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, JRabbit said:

Exactly! And the GF is supposed to be ok with this?

If I were her, I would walk. Teaching a grown man or woman to change their boundaries is almost impossible, even in a best-case scenario where they are done with their ex. And this certainly isn't a best-case scenario. 

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about how irksome it is to have someone communicating with an ex.

It's about dating 24 weeks and starting to control/dictate who someone is talking to.

6 mos. dating is for observation. This observation ( he talked to his ex every 6mos or so) is a deal breaker for some. 

In this case , it's unclear why he's friends with the ex and more so, why he's mentioning that.

[Fletch Lives]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:10 AM, lost_in_translation said:

his justification for replying to her was that he wasn't cheating and only responding to her out of pity since she had a mental illness where she would threaten to hurt herself when they had been together.

He can't be responsible for someone with mental issues in that way, he's not a counselor. She can talk to her shrink.

I can understand how him talking to an ex can make you jelous. He needs to stop it.

Start talking to another man. Let's see if he sees the light when the shoe is on the other foot.

Edited December 9, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Wiseman2]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:10 AM, lost_in_translation said:

 his justification for replying to her was that he wasn't cheating and only responding to her out of pity since she had a mental illness where she would threaten to hurt herself when they had been together.

Was he accused of cheating?

He seems to have acquiesced to your demands, so what's the problem now?

Were you cheated on in the past?

The fact that he feels responsible for her and told you that is more troubling than a DM twice a year.

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/7/2020 at 3:05 AM, Wiseman2 said:

When you start to bicker about someone's communication with people (especially out of jealousy), you're on shakey ground.

It's not your call or job to tell him who he can't talk to or have as friends.

It is your job after a couple of months to observe if someone is right for you.

In this case you dislike and disagree with him messaging an ex occasionally.

He may just stop telling you about it.

Either way it's your decision to observe this connection he has and combined with the distance and other disagreements, decide what your investment in this will be and if it's better to cut your losses or harp on this.

Hi, thank you. I had known a little while ago that  he was still "friends" with her on social media. We had a talk about her then -  he  told me that they were not friends, weren't close after their breakup, and were more like acquaintances. He never initiated contact, and she was always the one to reach out to him. I understood that this person had been special in his life once and I know that i cannot tell him who he can or cannot talk to. At the time I wanted to be the better girlfriend and not let the ex become a shadow in our shadow and so I let it go.

However, the issue that cause our recent disagreement was because he told me during a conversation that she'd reached out to him right before Thanksgiving. I was with him the weekend before Thanksgiving and I felt somewhat disturbed that his ex would reach out to him almost around the time I had been with him. I had to wonder what was her intention to reach out to him since I was told she has  boyfriend and is in a relationship. According to my boyfriend, he me that she reached out to tell him recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and that she could not tell her own boyfriend because her boyfriend did not believe in Covid. it didn't make any sense to me, why an ex who had animosity with  you would want to reach out to tell you something as personal as a medical diagnosis. And my boyfriend didn't disclose this story because he was trying to tell me he was contacted by her, he told me this because of a topic we were talking and he decided to use the ex as an example. Thus, i  also felt as if he was trying to keep this from me as well.

 

 

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/7/2020 at 3:43 AM, Watercolors said:

I agree with Wiseman. 

You don’t have the right to demand that your boyfriend has to stop communicating with his ex-g/f. That’s up to him. You have zero right to dictate your boyfriend’s social life (who comes into it, who leaves). You have to accept everyone who is part of his social circle, whether you like it or not. That’s part of being in relationships. 

The best thing you could do for yourself is to end this relationship. If you stay, your insecurity and jealousy will eat you alive and you will take it out on your boyfriend, who will, as a result, break up with you for smothering him and controlling him in an attempt to stop his communication with his ex. 

He doesn’t have to set boundaries with his ex. It’s his choice. You are different. You don’t stay in touch with any of your exes. So, in that sense, you and he are incompatible. You need to decide if you can drop this issue of his ex-g/f communicating with him occasionally. Because the more fuss you make about it, the less he will tell you about her when she reaches out. Then, next thing you know, you are snooping through his sm, his cellphone and his laptop, looking for evidence of him cheating on you. Worst case scenario of course, but that’s the direction you’re headed if you continue on this path. 

He doesn’t sound like the guy for you. Biggest red flag is he didn’t tell her about you, his current girlfriend. So, right there he doesn’t respect and love you like you claim he does after being together 7 months. If he truly loved you, he would have excitedly told his ex-g/f about you and gushed about you to her. That would have cued her as to him no longer being emotionally available to her, when she needs to vent about her life like she used to with him when they were together. He may still have residual feelings for his ex-g/f which is why he kept you a secret. And his apologies to you are disingenuous because they said to just placate you, and get you to back off. 

I don’t see this relationship continuing on steady ground. I really think you’d be better off ending it. You’ve already crossed a line by confronting your boyfriend about talking to his ex, which he has a right to do. But you completely ignore the glaring red flag that he didn’t mention your existence to her. If you demand that he does that now, you will cement the end of this relationship which will happen sooner than later. 

When guys hide their current g/f from their exes whom they still contact, that means the guy is not over his previous relationship and his current g/f is most likely a rebound. So, there is that to mull over as a possibility as well. Healthy relationships don’t have secrets like this. 

Hi I did not demand that he stopped talking to her but I tried to explain to him how by communicating with her, he was disrespecting me and our relationship. I will be understanding if exes need to maintain contact should they have children or pets, but they had neither. My boyfriend is 27 and I believe she is the same age. My understanding based on what he told me of their relationship was that, they broke up after 5 years and she then got into other relationships to make him jealous, which caused al ot of animosity. They hadn't seen each other in years and were not friends. Given this., I wanted to understand why he would continue to engage in communication when she reached out, especially when she has a boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't believe he was doing anything wrong because he was a caring person and that he would feel bad if she ended up hurting herself if he did not respond. Again, I felt that he was not responsible for her and therefore, should not have feel guilty if he ignores her messages. 

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/7/2020 at 12:14 PM, Crazelnut said:

OP, don't listen to those guys. You are perfectly right to define the boundaries you need in a relationship. And he is right to decide if he agrees or not. If he doesn't, there isn't much to say. He will always cross the line. You wouldn't be a good fit.

FWIT, I think your boundaries are reasonable. He should be telling any ex that reaches out that he is in a relationship with you, and then he should stop responding to her occasional attempts to engage him. I agree with you.

Thank you. Initially I felt terrible for setting boundaries because I thought I didn't have the right to tell him not to speak to his ex. However, if I hadn't done so, he would continue to assume it was okay to engage in conversation with an ex while he is in a relationship with me.  I even told him to imagine how he would feel if our positions were switched and my ex reached out to me. You know what he said? He said he would feel the same way I did,  and would tell me not to speak to my ex again. 

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/7/2020 at 3:17 PM, ShyViolet said:

I agree that you can't demand that he not speak to her or tell him that he's "not allowed" to message with her.  Some people do message with their exes once in a blue moon just to say hi and catch up.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with that.  However, the above is a RIDICULOUS reason to stay in touch with her, and also the fact that he hasn't told her about you is a bad sign.

Again, you can't tell him who he's allowed and not allowed to talk to.  All you can do is truly ask yourself whether you trust him or not.  Do you trust his judgment?  Does he have a habit of having poor boundaries or making poor decisions?  If so, these are all things that need to go into your decision of whether to keep dating this guy.  All you can control is what YOU do, not what he does.

I fully trusted him until this issue. He had never lied to me or made me doubt him. I believed my boyfriend when he told me he never initiated contact and that it has always been the ex who messaged first. I trusted his judgment until this issue arose, why did he need to engage in conversation with an ex whose intentions  he never bothered to question. Although it appears that 6 months is a short time, but we have already exchanged "I Love Yous". We have mutual friends who are happy that we are together. But this issue made me doubt him.

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/8/2020 at 11:37 AM, introverted1 said:

Why not?

This is the only red flag I see, TBH.  Is he keeping the door open?

I mentioned this to him. If I had been in his position whereby my ex of 3 years contacted me, I would immediately disclose my relationship status. He didn't have a real reason, but then, he told me he never talked about himself to her when she reaches out. And yes, I contemplated whether he was trying to keep the doors open. But he reassured me that he didn't want to restart things with her and that he only wanted to be with me.

Edited December 10, 2020 by lost_in_translation

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/8/2020 at 12:16 PM, JRabbit said:

yeah, big red flag.  

I'm kind of laughing at these responses from people who say she be totally OK with this.  For what reason does the BF need to be friends with his ex, meaning she every 6 months reaches out to tell him way too much info about her life that he isnt asking for.  There is truly no need for them to be friends.  I would not be cool with it either.  The bf knows a lot about her life, and hes in a relationship with someone else. Makes no sense to me, it is not like they are actual friends.

 

Yes, exactly this. 

[lost_in_translation]

On 12/7/2020 at 12:23 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

You don’t need to handle anything. That’s your boyfriend‘s job

I expected him to act on better judgement but he hadn't. It took me over 2 hours to explain to him how I felt for him to realize that this was  an issue and that he needed to cut her off. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by lost_in_translation