Boyfriend's ex 'slides into his DMs' every 6 months

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, lost_in_translation said:

I expected him to act on better judgement but he hadn't. It took me over 2 hours to explain to him how I felt for him to realize that this was  an issue and that he needed to cut her off. 

Did he cut her off? Maybe you"won" this battle, but in the long run you'll realize that at 6 mos in you are lecturing him for hours and frankly that's not a good sign, one way or the other.

[FMW]

12 hours ago, lost_in_translation said:

Initially I felt terrible for setting boundaries

You have every right to set boundaries for yourself, how you need him to handle this in order to continue your relationship.  But you don't have a right to set HIS boundaries as a separate individual.  I know it's a very nuanced point, but I think that's where most of the differences of opinion here are.  

I don't think anyone thinks you should be happy with the situation, but what you do about it is the issue.  You should absolutely tell him your feelings about it and that you can't continue in a relationship with him if he keeps up the contact with the ex (if that's how you feel).  But you should not tell him (or anyone else unless they are your minor child) what he has to do about it in order to be "right".  Again, I know that's a nuanced point, but I think it's an important one.  You express your feelings about it, he chooses whether or not to do what will make you happy, and then you choose whether or not you continue the relationship.

One is being open and communicative.  The other is being controlling.  

  

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, lost_in_translation said:

 My boyfriend didn't believe he was doing anything wrong because he was a caring person and that he would feel bad if she ended up hurting herself if he did not respond.

 If it was truly over, nice guy or not, he wouldn't want any communication or any of her drama. They left their relationship with high drama intensity...There is unfinished emotional business between them. He needs to close that door.

[d0nnivain]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:10 AM, lost_in_translation said:

Am I in the right or wrong to tell him not accept contact from his ex? What should i do in this situation?

The 1st thing you should do is calm down.   If she reached out & said happy Thanksgiving or something else & he responded in kind, even if they spent a few back & forths catching up, he's not cheating on you.  He's being polite.  

Yes, she may be reaching out because she wants reconciliation or to needle him but a banal response from him shouldn't be the demise of your relationship.  If this was frequent or he was initiating I'd have more concerns but what you describe is not that big of a deal.  

I'm glad you talked to your guy about your boundaries but a blanket prohibition won't cut it.  She has longevity on her side.   If your guy loves & respects you he will be more transparent & less available to her but no one is not required to be impolite or rude to an EX to appease a new SO's fears.  

I occasionally bump into some EXs of mine.  We exchange pleasantries & catch up. It's not undermining my marriage.   I reached out to one a few months back because his father died.  I wasn't keeping tabs on my EX.  Dad was famous so his death was front page news.  I couldn't have avoided it.  I sent a card signed from me and my husband.  It wasn't a desire to reconcile but an offer of condolences because I genuinely liked his father.   

 

17 hours ago, lost_in_translation said:

My understanding based on what he told me of their relationship was that, they broke up after 5 years and she then got into other relationships to make him jealous, which caused al ot of animosity. * * * My boyfriend didn't believe he was doing anything wrong because he was a caring person and that he would feel bad if she ended up hurting herself if he did not respond. Again, I felt that he was not responsible for her and therefore, should not have feel guilty if he ignores her messages. 

I agree with you.  Because the EX played games & was pretty mean to your BF around the break up, there is less reason to be considerate of her now.  She certainly doesn't sound like a nice person & she has some funny boundaries, reaching out to her EX, presumably behind her BF's back. 

That said, your BF sounds like a better person than me.  Appreciate the fact that he is kind.  As long as the messages are responsive & banal, only, try not to start WWIII over this.  

[MsJayne]

On 12/7/2020 at 4:10 PM, lost_in_translation said:

1) according to my boyfriend, she does nothing except reach out to talk to him about herself - the recent reach out was about her new autoimmune diagnosis and how she could not confide in her own boyfriend since he was a Covid non-believer 2) his justification for replying to her was that he wasn't cheating and only responding to her out of pity since she had a mental illness where she would threaten to hurt herself when they had been together.

1)  Maybe she reaches out to your BF because her own BF has had enough of her hypochondria, (often a secondary condition piggy-backing on other mental health issues), and shuts her down, and 2) She reaches out to your BF because he's kind and is probably one of the only people who hasn't blocked her altogether because of her issues. 

Ignore it, she will eventually go away. Maybe the reason he hasn't told her about you is because his love life is none of her business. I would see this as a good thing, he's keeping her at a good arms length while trying to be both polite and kind. If he was actually encouraging her she'd probably be weeping on his doorstep. Given that she's now just an acquaintance, and the acrimonious nature of their breakup, he should fade her altogether but he's obviously a bit of a softy. He hasn't 'cheated' and he hasn't done anything wrong. The fact that's he's willing to cut her out of his life completely because it upsets you is a good thing - he's acknowledging how important you are to him. I had a similar scenario where an ex of mine from five years ago would ring me every few months, just to chat. I had no interest in maintaining contact, but I also I had no reason to put a stop to it until I realised that my now-partner didn't like it, (he didn't say anything, it was just an expression on his face ), so the last time the ex called me I told him I was blissfully happy with my new guy, life was great, and I have never been so in love. I haven't heard from the ex since. That's what you do, and that's what your guy should be doing if she persists with her unwanted attention. 

[lost_in_translation]

Hi -

 I want to thank and express my gratitude to everyone who took the time to write. I thought I could move on from this, but we've had more bickering since this incident. I ended up realizing I was more jealous than I thought, and when I got upset over the other things with him, I would passive aggressively bring up the ex. I couldn't help but rehash this issue with him. 

I broke up with him tonight. We had a fight about why he never posted me on his social media and I brought up the ex again. The fight began because we had an argument and I had unfriended him from Instagram. Although we made up today, he  told he wasn't comfortable to post me on his social media because he didn't feel secure in the relationship (because I would delete him from IG every time we had a fight). I got upset and angrily stated the wasn't comfortable to post about me but he was comfortable to talk with his ex. I also tried to ask him what was the full conversation he had with his ex but he kept telling me that it was unimportant. So, I  hung up on him and broke up with him through text. He replied to say I was a b**** and that he had deleted his ex from his social media, and rhetorically asked if I was happy. I wasn't.

After reading the above, you may think I acted childishly, but I have done so much for him (traveling to NJ for him, always paying for most things since I have a salaried job etc) and I hated feeling jealous of his ex. He never told the ex off, he intended to wait for the next contact from her to tell her that he won't speak with her, but honestly I just could never understand the logic of keeping an ex around.

Im numb tonight after the breakup. I can't seem to cry. I don't feel anything right now.

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing ending it. For 6 mos dating this was an inordinate amount of drama and toxicity.

Be glad you can close the chapter on this.

All you have to do now is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This was actually a great lesson in red flags 🚩 to watch out for in the future. 

 

[Pumaza]

Its over .So exes need to move on.

Unless they lost a kid toghater there may be some kind of contact once in a while. But it should not be a secret and hiden from you.

Sometimes as ex you just contact mayve once to see how he is doing if the relationship was strong or your first.It happen. But that also shouldnt be every day and everytime and secret.And sure not romanticly etc.

The fact of being ex is that you move onnnnnn.Be his past.Not for you to hang around.

Tell him what you feel and want. And his actions will show if je respects you or no.And why he is doing it.

Dont waste time if u see this guy is just wasting your time.

[kendahke]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:10 AM, lost_in_translation said:

Am I in the right or wrong to tell him not accept contact from his ex? What should i do in this situation?

The person who is wrong is the person who needed a 2 hour explanation as to why his behavior is trash.

What you should do is prepare yourself for dealing with it for as long as you're dating him.  He's not stupid--he know giving intimate access to an ex sexual partner is wrong and his hair would be on fire if you did it to him.

Now that you've spent 2 hours explaining the obvious, if he's of the mind where he only went along with you to shut you up, he'll find a way to allow her to keep in contact with him--either by calling him at work, using the work phone/computer for their correspondence, a burner phone, etc. 

At the end of the day, people do exactly what they feel like doing--despite how much crying and threatening you do, they will find a way to go around you and keep on doing exactly what they feel like doing. That is basic human nature. If he doesn't feel like making you a priority publicly, then that's not going to ever happen.  From what you've written above, it would seem that she's really not his ex and you are his side chick he's keeping hidden from everyone so she doesn't see it.

His nature is to not cut this chick out of his life; his nature is to not respect you. Glad you chose to stand sentry to your boundaries.

Edited January 7, 2021 by kendahke