Husband fantasizes about me with other men but I can't picture it

[LilyPetals]

There's a lot to unpack here but I'll try not to ramble on.

My husband (30M) and I (28F) have been together 8 years, married for 4 years.

We're great for each other emotionally but not so much sexually. He simply doesn't get as much pleasure from intercourse as I do. 

He has a high libido and either masturbates or I jerk him off about twice a day. I used to have a high libido but after years of stressful jobs/unstable living situations (that's a whole other suitcase to unpack but TL;DR constantly got screwed over by different terrible roommates) I feel horny maybe 2 times a month.

I'm responsive to my husband. When he kisses me and starts touching me/escalating things, I'll get into it and orgasm at the end. But I'll rarely initiate anything because I'm not feeling a need for sexual things.

Around the end of last year we starting talking about fantasies of other people. Specifically foursomes and the thought of me doing sexual things with other guys. At the time, talking about the fantasies was exciting to me.

This led to us agreeing to an open marriage at the start of this year.

We reached out to a mutual friend that I've had sexual urges towards for years. Once he understood, he agreed to a friends with benefits situation with me. Unfortunately his career became too busy/time-consuming before we ever had a chance to do anything in person with each other. We're still friends, but anything sexual is permanently off the table.

 

Now my husband still wants me to do things with other men but I have no idea how to find someone. All of my male friends are either gay or not attractive to me. I help my husband do deliveries for Instacart so "attractive co-worker" isn't an option.

 

With all the lockdowns going on this year, the only way I could meet someone would be online.

 

I don't think I need to explain how risky it is for a woman to find a sexual partner online.

 

Along with physical risks, I'm worried because it's hard for me to find most men attractive. My husband tries to get me past this by saying how he's not good-looking (he's not conventionally attractive but he's sweet, caring, hilarious, optimistic, generous, dependable, and I could go on all day describing the amazing traits that make him attractive to me) but I tell him that random guys won't have the emotional advantages his has.

I'm not the hottest thing on the block either. I have a cute face but I'm plus size. 

I know random guys would want to do sexual things with me since I've gotten messages on my Instagram from several guys saying so (I have IG for sharing cosplay/makeup photos. I don't post anything lewd there)

Maybe it's a result from not knowing too many guys personally outside my husband, but most guys seem to be eager to put their d*ck into pretty much anything female.

This is not a thought that excites me.

 

My husband wants to watch me do sexual things with another guy. He thinks it's extremely hot and thinks it might be the thing I need to get my sex drive back.

 

So we get stick in sort of a circular thought process.

 

He thinks me enjoying some other d*ck will make me more horny overall.

I think I need to find someone that makes me horny before I can even enjoy doing anything to their d*ck.

 

I'll also admit that we're both anime/video game nerds which I know has affected my tastes as well. What I find attractive with fictional characters, does not match up with what I find attractive IRL.

Best examples: Muscles and tattoos. I find them so hot on anime characters. But muscular guys in real life intimidate me. Tattoos in real life just look ugly to me.

 

My husband says I'm overcomplicating things when this is meant to be fun. I probably am but I don't know how to fix it.

 

How do I go about finding more men physically attractive?

How do I find an attractive guy that's ok with my husband eventually watching us do sexual things together?

I downloaded an app called Tabuu made specifically for open relationship couples to find partners but quickly deleted it since no one came close to attractive to me. A good chunk of the guys looked flat out creepy.

 

Does anyone have any good resources for finding others interested in open relationships?

So many forums I look up just describe the horror stories of open relationships or "she cheated and now we're trying an open relationship" stories which is not my situation at all.

How do I stop thinking about all the ways looking for someone can go wrong and enjoy the searching process?

 

I'm sorry for how long this is, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

 

 

 

 

[central]

Okay, that's a lot to work through! lol  Anyway, your husband has either (or both) a hotwife fetish or cuckold fetish.  It sounds like you are okay with this, but it's okay if you're not, and it's okay if you decide to try it but do not want to continue.  Besides, your husband may reconsider once you try it - he may find he's too jealous to continue, for example.  He may also blame you for agreeing if he can't handle any emotional fallout - so discuss these issues first, and get him to agree that if it does not work for either of you, you can stop with NO fault, no recriminations.  You also need to decide if you'll do this with or without your husband present.  Does he want to watch, participate, or just hear about it after?

That said, you will certainly be able to find attractive partners on a swinger site (there are many of these, some are free or low cost to join, and many cities also have swinger clubs if that appeals to you).  There are many, many single men of all kinds who would be absolutely delighted to have sex with you, and many have experience so can respect any boundaries you have and not get weird about it.  After exchanging messages or maybe video chat, you can initially meet them in person with your husband for safety, and decide if you want to pursue anything further, and in what fashion. 

[mark clemson]

Don't do this for your husband, do it for BOTH of you, if at all. Definitely DON'T do something if you're not enthusiastically interested in it, which is sounds like, for you, requires forming a connection of sorts with the male in the other couple.

I think there's a genuine danger here, that the connection you need to feel may negatively impact the marriage. I'm not sure your husband recognizes how dangerous that actually is. I suspect he thinks it will just be the "play" part, but that appears to not be you.

Consider reading The Ethical Slut as it may provide some tips. I think you'll need some serious rules to make this work. I'm not sure your husband "gets" your actual form of attraction, so I suspect there will be a lot less "swinging" than he would perhaps like. Oh well, LTRs are about reasonable compromises (which you seem to be making a lot of, and - I THINK that's probably positive). C'est la vie.

Edited December 8, 2020 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

On 12/7/2020 at 2:17 PM, LilyPetals said:

There's a lot to unpack here but I'll try not to ramble on.

My husband (30M) and I (28F) have been together 8 years, married for 4 years.

We're great for each other emotionally but not so much sexually. He simply doesn't get as much pleasure from intercourse as I do. 

He has a high libido and either masturbates or I jerk him off about twice a day. I used to have a high libido but after years of stressful jobs/unstable living situations (that's a whole other suitcase to unpack but TL;DR constantly got screwed over by different terrible roommates) I feel horny maybe 2 times a month.

I'm responsive to my husband. When he kisses me and starts touching me/escalating things, I'll get into it and orgasm at the end. But I'll rarely initiate anything because I'm not feeling a need for sexual things.

Around the end of last year we starting talking about fantasies of other people. Specifically foursomes and the thought of me doing sexual things with other guys. At the time, talking about the fantasies was exciting to me.

This led to us agreeing to an open marriage at the start of this year.

We reached out to a mutual friend that I've had sexual urges towards for years. Once he understood, he agreed to a friends with benefits situation with me. Unfortunately his career became too busy/time-consuming before we ever had a chance to do anything in person with each other. We're still friends, but anything sexual is permanently off the table.

 

Now my husband still wants me to do things with other men but I have no idea how to find someone. All of my male friends are either gay or not attractive to me. I help my husband do deliveries for Instacart so "attractive co-worker" isn't an option.

 

With all the lockdowns going on this year, the only way I could meet someone would be online.

 

I don't think I need to explain how risky it is for a woman to find a sexual partner online.

 

Along with physical risks, I'm worried because it's hard for me to find most men attractive. My husband tries to get me past this by saying how he's not good-looking (he's not conventionally attractive but he's sweet, caring, hilarious, optimistic, generous, dependable, and I could go on all day describing the amazing traits that make him attractive to me) but I tell him that random guys won't have the emotional advantages his has.

I'm not the hottest thing on the block either. I have a cute face but I'm plus size. 

I know random guys would want to do sexual things with me since I've gotten messages on my Instagram from several guys saying so (I have IG for sharing cosplay/makeup photos. I don't post anything lewd there)

Maybe it's a result from not knowing too many guys personally outside my husband, but most guys seem to be eager to put their d*ck into pretty much anything female.

This is not a thought that excites me.

 

My husband wants to watch me do sexual things with another guy. He thinks it's extremely hot and thinks it might be the thing I need to get my sex drive back.

 

So we get stick in sort of a circular thought process.

 

He thinks me enjoying some other d*ck will make me more horny overall.

I think I need to find someone that makes me horny before I can even enjoy doing anything to their d*ck.

 

I'll also admit that we're both anime/video game nerds which I know has affected my tastes as well. What I find attractive with fictional characters, does not match up with what I find attractive IRL.

Best examples: Muscles and tattoos. I find them so hot on anime characters. But muscular guys in real life intimidate me. Tattoos in real life just look ugly to me.

 

My husband says I'm overcomplicating things when this is meant to be fun. I probably am but I don't know how to fix it.

 

How do I go about finding more men physically attractive?

How do I find an attractive guy that's ok with my husband eventually watching us do sexual things together?

I downloaded an app called Tabuu made specifically for open relationship couples to find partners but quickly deleted it since no one came close to attractive to me. A good chunk of the guys looked flat out creepy.

 

Does anyone have any good resources for finding others interested in open relationships?

So many forums I look up just describe the horror stories of open relationships or "she cheated and now we're trying an open relationship" stories which is not my situation at all.

How do I stop thinking about all the ways looking for someone can go wrong and enjoy the searching process?

 

I'm sorry for how long this is, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't pretend to know much about this sort of thing. but are you sure this is really something you want to do?
If not, it's okay to say no.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:17 PM, LilyPetals said:

 

We're great for each other emotionally but not so much sexually. He simply doesn't get as much pleasure from intercourse as I do. 

He has a high libido and either masturbates or I jerk him off about twice a day.

I used to have a high libido but after years of stressful jobs/unstable living situations feel horny maybe 2 times a month.

Sorry to say, but your marriage/sex life sounds abysmal.

Dragging outsiders into this will only complicate and already struggling marriage.

You need to see a physician and therapist for the low libido.

You need to stop masturbating your husband in lieu of intimacy.

Marriage therapy may help you, if your husband grows up and stops having the sexual habits of a 15 y/o.

Basically both of you are not interested in sex with each other. Why is that?

 

[Lance Mannion]

Assign some numerical value to your marriage. I hope it's a high number. Now assign some numerical value to how much you are going to appreciate a sexual encounter with another man. I hope it's a much lower number than for your marriage. Now roll a multi-sided die, meaning understand that you are taking a risk, in order to gain that benefit of another man you are risking the total destruction of your marriage. Risk is not certainty though. You may try this with Guy#1 and everything works out, so you are now "richer" by capturing that value you assigned to sex with a new man. Play this game of Russian Roulette enough times and the odds of your marriage being destroyed increase. Also keep in mind that when you play Russian Roulette you're not give a free 1st shot, you could get very unlucky on that very first pull of the trigger.

Your husband wanting this signifies him seeing you as a piece of meat, an OBJECT to be used for his sexual gratification which will come about by him getting off on seeing you screw another man. How will you feel being seen that way? Most wives assign a high value to being cherished by their husbands, by their husbands having a selfish interest in possessing them, this makes them feel valuable to their husbands. How valuable are you if your husband is giving you away to other men?

Re-read your description of your husband. How do you think your feelings and views of him will change once you internalize that he's getting off on you being a peace of meat for other dudes and are fodder for his jerk-off experiences?  Even if he reclaims you after another man finishes within you, that feeling of reclaiming you is coming at the cost of other men having you, you're no longer exclusive to him, you're closer to a commodity than a one-of-a-kind jewel.

What your husband thinks is hot is only a fantasy. There are plenty of stories out there about how husbands have reacted to these fantasies being realized and many of those stories diverge from the happy endings the husbands imagined would arise. No doubt there is some sexual excitement for some of these men, but then come the unexpected negative feelings that they can't get over, and which now taint the relationship moving forward.

Your last question, how do you find enjoyment in this process? Easy. Denial and compartmentalization. Just ignore that screaming voice which is warning you of danger and focus on the fantasy of how hot and awesome this will all be.

[usa1ah]

This sounds crazy. 
 

[stillafool]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:17 PM, LilyPetals said:

Does anyone have any good resources for finding others interested in open relationships?

I think you can google Swinger sites and they can give you ideas where to look.  Is it only you who will be having sex with someone else or will your husband also have sex with other women?

[BaileyB]

Open relationships, your jerking him off/he’s masterbating twice a day, threesomes with other men... this is all over the board...

And at the end of the day, you are a women who wants sex twice a month with your husband. 

The two of you are clearly sexually incompatible. Don’t let him “encourage” you into doing anything that you don’t want to do. And, I would suggest counselling to see if you can even try to work through some of these differences. 

[Clockwork]

When I first read this title I thought "Ah, no big deal, all husbands fantasize about their wife being with another man as a means of foreplay." Then I realized it wasn't just something in his mind, he is actively asking you to do this. I am all for being a little kinky, my wife has answered the door in her nightgown before to the pizza guy, but no way would I want her to actually have sex with another man. It is something guys think about as a "hot wife fantasy" and it is always a turn on to know that other men get aroused by your wife, but not the real thing. I mean, that's too far. 

[DKT3]

I'm pretty sure this was a drive by, but honestly all I got out of this was she isn't sexually attracted to her husband.  He seems to know this and is likely part of why this came about.