Wife cheating or reading into too much

[Delgado]

I’d like to know if I’m reading too much into a text my wife sent to a friend or not. The text read like this..” we lol so much,  last night I met this hot guy’ he made a pass at me but we didn’t have sex”.  

Been married for over 20 yrs; the part that bothers me are the last 5 words “ but we didn’t have sex”  some tell me I’m making too much of this. Your thoughts please, especially from married females.  Thanks

o

 

[platotld]

didn't... there you go. now as for her interest ... well hows the sex life?

[Delgado]

I admit after so many yrs together 26 yrs, it's not as it used to be, but if you love someone truly love someone should that matter?  I guess what I'm asking is for the interpretation of the last four to five words what it sound like this has happened in the past or what. Thanks

[Pumaza]

Why dont you ask her. The text is sure not cute.

Ask her what is going on.And see if its cheating to you or no.

[DKT3]

I would be more concerned with how casual your wife is with it...I'm guessing there were times she did have sex....you have issues my man

[Delgado]

And that's the problem thinking it through it's the old saying that it's cheaper to keep her I figured everything out financially I just wanted to see if there were others out there that point like I did and assumed this has happened in the past when she said those last four to five words to her friend

9 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

Why dont you ask her. The text is sure not cute.

Ask her what is going on.And see if its cheating to you or no.

 

[Delgado]

I think I would need more proof than a 5 word sentence. Knowing her and asking her would result in non honest answers , or quick excuse,  I mean I think If youre married for for 20+ years you'd know how they would react? Just like to get a females point of view and what they would think it means or assumed and meant by those  last words few words.Would you assume it has happened in the past and shared with her friend?  Maybe has  this covo occurred between the two of them? Is she just a downright low player that I dont know abt after so many years?  

 

 

[DKT3]

What do you think, because that's all that matters.  

 

But look at it this way...if you text a good friend and say, I went to the bank and security was weak but I didn't rob it. Would that be something you would tell him if he didn't already know you robbed banks? Would you be comfortable enough to just drop that on him?

That text was too casual for it to have been there first one along those lines.

Now, with that said, there is an outside chance that your wife's friend is a serial cheater and your wife fibbed that to fit in, that one is doubtful. 

 

[Delgado]

yes that was also thought through, the friend is a newlywed , I was at her wedding 1.5 yrs ago and don't believe she is the 'type' to do that. Just bothers the hell out of me, and need more public opinion before I confront her. 

 

[DKT3]

Some...hell most here will tell you to gather evidence before you confront, I'm not one of them. Evidence or no, most cheaters will still lie,  minimize and gaslight you. 

Having gone through this, its best (in my opinion) to hit it directly with no nonsense.  Here is what I believe you've done.......don't waver and don't allow her to make you feel crazy or wrong because you confronted her. Don't allow her to bully you with B.S. like well if you don't trust or believe me we should divorce...tell her fine, let's do it.

The reasoning is cheaters usually are trying to buy time, time to convince you that you are crazy, controlling and even abusive.  State the fact, I seen this text, explain. Then after her lies and attempts to make you the bad guy for seeing the text. Simply tell her when she is ready to be honest and tell you whats going on you have nothing to talk about. 

Trust me when I say,  it sucks investigating your spouse,  its consuming and eats away at you. And usually does not work unless you find a smoking gun which few do. Its usually an accumulation of various stories that don't add up or mistaken slips that take months. 

I tried almost a year and got nothing.  An hour in an attorney's office and a court server got it all our in minutes. I believe in a position of strength cheaters will see truth as the only option,  give them wiggle room and you can be at it for years.

[Wiseman2]

How did you come across these texts? Sounds like an insecure middle aged woman with little attention/affection at home bragging to her friends that someone Finally paid her attention and she was flattered because things are stale at home.

It's doubtful it went anywhere. How's your marriage, communication and intimacy?

Taking a survey won't help you. Especially since you snooped through her phone (and would have to admit that) and don't even communicate enough to know the health of your marriage.

[MsJayne]

Either your wife deliberately let you see that because she's angry that you take her for granted and is bored with you, or your wife has zero loyalty to you and zero respect for you or your relationship and doesn't care if you notice. Which is it? How often do you bring her flowers for no reason? How often do you take her out on a date? Ever take her away for a weekend? If you've been married 26 years I will assume you're at least in your 40's, in which case she needs to grow up and discuss any problems in your marriage which are bothering her so much that she's looking elsewhere. Something I see with monotonous regularity is the middle-aged guy who whines that he gets no sex at home, but he's the same guy who completely takes his wife for granted - and the taking for granted starts way before the no-sex thing. Men can be really stupid like that. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I may be in the minority here, but I think the issue is the whole tone of the text, not the "sex" part. 

In other words, let's say she really didn't have sex. That text still indicates that your marriage has some problems. 

I'm not sure your thinking is clear on this. I admit after so many yrs together 26 yrs, it's not as it used to be, but if you love someone truly love someone should that matter? 

Are you kidding me? Sex matters for 80 year-olds in nursing homes. And even if we're not talking intercourse sex, attraction and affection and tenderness and some romance always matter. And no, loving someone doesn't substitute for lack of affection and tenderness. If that were the case we could all just marry platonic friends and be done with it. This is the fundamental truth of romantic relationships (at least these days). They do need some romance, even if the romance dies down over time.

There is a famous phrase that is used in another context. It goes "love is NEVER enough." In the original context it means just because someone loves you doesn't mean they're good for you. Also means just because you "love" someone does not mean you'll make a good partnership.  We can fall love--even deeply fall in love--with all kinds of people who wouldn't make good partners because we're so different or we or they have a fatal flaw (like an addiction, say). 

I'm getting from your post that you and your wife aren't having the kinds of conversations you need to have, which often happens after 26 years.  But you need to be on the same page. You need to know more of what she's thinking and feeling. Just from the way you write here (I can guessing) you guys seem miles apart. Like you've become the proverbial roommates. That can work. But being roommates can also lead to disaster when one partner experiences some excitement outside the relationship. We are sexual beings until the day we take our last breath.  Again by "sexual" I don't just mean intercourse. 

 

[JRabbit]

The casualty of this convo to a friend suggests this is not new or uncommon.

Is it an iphone? Can you have the imessages sent to icloud to read through them in the future?  

Speaking as a woman, I would only be messaging my friend that if she knew I was already loose about my commitment to marriage.

[Starswillshine]

First, this is not a text that a loyal wife would ever be sending. 

I've run into many hot guys. Maybe I tell my friends about it. "Omg, I saw this hot guy last night." Or met, whatever. But that would be the end of it. That she says, but we didn't have sex sort of implies that she wants to, there was something that happened but not sex, has done it with someone else, or there is plans/desires to meet again. 

It is not a text I would ever be comfortable with spouse sending. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you normally read each other's texts?.

Have you ever fantasized about or been flattered by  an attractive stranger?

Were you silly enough to text a friend about it?

The difference here seems to be your snooping. What prompted you to do that? Are you a jealous guy or does she do suspicious stuff?

Some people feel looking at or talking to  or even thinking about anyone of the opposite sex as infidelity.

If you are in that group, get divorced.

 

 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

I could be completely wrong, but it sounds like a joke to me.

[Delgado]

On 12/7/2020 at 10:33 PM, DKT3 said:

Some...hell most here will tell you to gather evidence before you confront, I'm not one of them. Evidence or no, most cheaters will still lie,  minimize and gaslight you. 

Having gone through this, its best (in my opinion) to hit it directly with no nonsense.  Here is what I believe you've done.......don't waver and don't allow her to make you feel crazy or wrong because you confronted her. Don't allow her to bully you with B.S. like well if you don't trust or believe me we should divorce...tell her fine, let's do it.

The reasoning is cheaters usually are trying to buy time, time to convince you that you are crazy, controlling and even abusive.  State the fact, I seen this text, explain. Then after her lies and attempts to make you the bad guy for seeing the text. Simply tell her when she is ready to be honest and tell you whats going on you have nothing to talk about. 

Trust me when I say,  it sucks investigating your spouse,  its consuming and eats away at you. And usually does not work unless you find a smoking gun which few do. Its usually an accumulation of various stories that don't add up or mistaken slips that take months. 

I tried almost a year and got nothing.  An hour in an attorney's office and a court server got it all our in minutes. I believe in a position of strength cheaters will see truth as the only option,  give them wiggle room and you can be at it for years.

Dk hit it right on, she immediately  tried to make me the bad guy just all out cursing and yelling and throwing the F you bomb at me and finally her excuse was that it was a dream she was talking about meanwhile there was no mention at all about this so-called dream in the entire thread I don't know how she expects me to believe that yep thing just not looking good right now. 

 

But you are right I'll tell her when she's ready to be honest we can talk about it but until then I have nothing to talk to her about. Thx

[Uruktopi]

Delgado,

Her discourse may evolve along time.

If, hope it doesn´t, it reaches the "BUT we are JUST friends" point, THEN you will know all what is needed. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by Uruktopi

[mark clemson]

What you KNOW from the text is that she flirted with some guy and allowed him to make passes at her (I assume without shutting it down). Not the same as cheating IMO, BUT if it bothers you (and of course I totally get that) it's time for a discussion to re-establish boundaries. If she refuses reasonable boundaries, then there's a problem and perhaps marriage counseling could be in order. 

[DKT3]

2+2=4....This ideal that one needs definitive proof is asinine.  Worse yet it allows time, which is what most wayward spouses are looking for.  Time to make adjustments,  correct behavior and come up with a narrative that is believable.  Right now the dream narrative is horribly poor. Which coupled with the text thread is 2+2=4. 

Its nonsense to talk reestablishing boundaries at this point, its clear his wife has done far more than flirt. "But we didn't have sex" is just bad also very suggestive, right? So what did she do...now throw in the reaction to his confrontation.  Guilty. 

[Uruktopi]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

What you KNOW from the text is that she flirted with some guy and allowed him to make passes at her (I assume without shutting it down). Not the same as cheating IMO, BUT if it bothers you (and of course I totally get that) it's time for a discussion to re-establish boundaries. If she refuses reasonable boundaries, then there's a problem and perhaps marriage counseling could be in order. 

"Not the same as cheating BUT"

 IYO

BUT NOT a significative difference.

IMO

Edited December 10, 2020 by Uruktopi

[elaine567]

On 12/7/2020 at 8:45 PM, Delgado said:

last night I met this hot guy’ he made a pass at me but we didn’t have sex”

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

What you KNOW from the text is that she flirted with some guy and allowed him to make passes at her (I assume without shutting it down).

We do not KNOW that she flirted with him or that she "allowed" him to make a pass at her.
Plenty guys will make passes at women who don't even show any interest...
We don't KNOW the context of the text so we don't KNOW if she even met the guy or if he indeed exists...
What we do KNOW is that she reacted badly to being confronted.
Does that imply guilt? maybe, or is it indignation because being snooped on is an invasion of her privacy or is she just fed up of being accused of cheating ad infinitum by a chronically jealous husband when she knows nothing is going on and so went on the attack...

Where did she supposedly meet this guy? Randomly on the street, in a shop, in a bar or club, or did she set up a meet via OLD? or was it just some dream she was describing to her friend as she claimed.
WE don't KNOW anything really.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

BUT NOT a significative difference. IMO

Fair enough. As a spouse/partner you can set or attempt to set whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate. Hopefully the partner finds them acceptable. I'm certainly not trying to claim I wouldn't find texts like this a problem - I definitely would.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

We do not KNOW that she flirted with him or that she "allowed" him to make a pass at her.
Plenty guys will make passes at women who don't even show any interest...

Technically true. Per the phrasing of the text + given that she seemed to be bragging about the interest to a friend, I think the idea that she was engaging with the "hot guy" to at least some extent is very much a reasonable inference. It's not truly known. One has to project the most likely scenario(s) from the limited info.

I don't see how the idea she set up a meeting via OLD is a reasonable inference from the text. Of course, technically, we don't know it's NOT true. We also don't know she doesn't have a whole second life as a zookeeper that she's been keeping from her husband. Technically.

Maybe she makes a bit of a hobby of flirting occasionally, but never lets it amount to anything. Certainly not known for sure from the text. Within the realm of (realistic) possibility? Sure.

Edited December 10, 2020 by mark clemson