Hall pass trouble

[lurker74]

Well, first off, reading your story makes me wonder if you could put me in your rotation! 🙊

Just kidding...sorta!

But as for your base question, can you ever get used to it? Yes, millions of people get used to it. And the good news is that all it requires is a concerted effort to kill that tiny, shrinking voice that is telling you it's wrong. The bad news is that voice is saying things for a reason. If you kill it, you will have enjoyable strings-free sex with plenty of partners. But you will also destroy your relationship with your husband because YOU will be a different woman.

Best advice is tell him now what you need. Tell him that you enjoyed your pass and that you need the variety. But most of all, tell him that you need him, at times, to indulge you in the ways that you indulge him. Doesn't like anal? Too bad (I mean, within reason)...you do things for his sake and he should as well. He should WANT to. 

Right now, you are as attracted to the STRANGER as you are the sex itself. Imagine roleplaying a night at a bar in a hotel (when that is allowed again). You pretend you don't know each other. You're the aggressor...you hit on this man (your husband, pretending to be someone ELSE's husband). You drink with him, tease him, perhaps even berate him a little, all in an effort to bag a married man. You play with him as you ride the elevator up to his room. But the moment you step into the room, he takes control. He throws you on the bed, he used every bit of you.

Yes, that's not his thing but it could be. And the SUPER EXCITING THING is that if you two agree to explore this, you have a whole continent of territory to explore with the man you love. I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue your side pieces too, but you have a lot to be gained right in your own home. And a lot to be lost because you can't bear to "hurt him" by telling him the truth.

[pepperbird2]

In my opinion, you need to tell him what you're doing. You're exposing him to a huge health risk and I think it's just plain wrong that he doesn't know about it.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/7/2020 at 4:10 PM, meganuk said:

Is it possible to learn to live with the guilt and "make a success" of being unfaithful, or is this only going to end in tears? 

Research "Cheater's High". It's not about open relationships, hall passes, etc. It's about the ego thrill of 'beating the system', much like gambling or 'getting away with', it much like shoplifting. 

If you had his consent, as you did when you were in an open relationship or had hall passes, it would be 'boring' for you, as before. Why? because it's not about extracurricular sex, it's about the thrill of the deception.

[Cookiesandough]

“Hall pass trouble” sounds kind of redundant. Yeah, what trouble could possibly come from reasoning with your monogamous partner”you cheated/want to f others so I want a pass to f others too.” 

It seems like very few people can handle open truly handle open relationships, and the people in them are often not those people. I will say observing friends in open relationships provided has provided me with lots of entertainment.

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[usa1ah]

On 12/8/2020 at 3:41 AM, meganuk said:

Thanks for all the comments, I wasn't even sure anyone would reply so maybe I didn't go into much detail. Some clarifications:

1. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. I'm not with him out of convenience, or financial considerations. I'm with him because he's my soulmate.  I know he feels the same way about me, we tell each other all the time - so while sexually we may have drifted apart, emotionally there's no distance whatsoever. I know for some couples love and sex are one and the same, but not for us. They never were by the way, we loved each other from the moment we met but we still saw other people. This went on for two years before we got engaged: I had a girlfriend who fulfilled different needs he couldn't fulfil and we both had casual sex with others, it was no big deal at the time. I know it may not seem "normal" to most people, but it worked for us.

2. I don't feel guilty for having sex with other people, I feel guilty for not being honest about it. In hindsight, I should have told him straight away how much I'd enjoyed my hall pass and that I wanted more, but at the time I felt bad because he'd had such a crap time with his date (he'd lost his erection, then got it back but ended things in a rush for fear of losing it again). So I only told him half of the stuff I'd done with my guy, I tried to make fun of certain things (like the guy's skinny legs) and I think I left him with the impression that my date hadn't been that great, when in fact it was the best thing that had happened to me in years. It's just proof that lying never pays, it only leads to bigger lies. Now the lies have built up to a point where to come clean would mean to hurt him beyond repair, so I can't bring myself to do it - though I know it would be the right thing to do.

3. What am I getting out of the cheating? Well, this is going to sound really shallow but it's just basic sexual fulfilment. My husband and I still have sex regularly, and god knows we've tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but his kinks don't so much for me - and viceversa. He has a foot fetish, which I indulge up to a point, but there's only so much pleasure a woman can get from having her toes sucked. Likewise, I love anal but he doesn't. Generally, I like rough and he's more into tenderness. So I guess it comes down to not being sexually compatible. But as I said, we've kind of known this from day 1. This is why we initially agreed to keep seeing other people. The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea...

 

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Your poor husband, your off having mind blowing sex while he is stuck at home wondering what happened. 

[usa1ah]

What you are doing isn’t love it is pure selfishness. Instead of making things better at home you go out to get your fulfillment of what you need. This makes it all about you. You should fill guilty for CHEATING on you husband. It just shows how unloving your really are that you don’t feel any guilt. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

On 12/8/2020 at 3:41 AM, meganuk said:

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

How about giving your husband a divorce so he can find someone that is into him sexually. It is obvious your not. 
 

But it seems your intentions are to be a damn cheater. There’s place on Reddit that you can go and brag about how you have been cheating on your husband. Enjoy the laughs at his expense. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by usa1ah

[salparadise]

Monogamy is the official lifestyle of LS, so the s-shaming is to be somewhat expected, and practical, open-minded advice is going to be sparse. I am not going to judge. You already know that lying is the biggest part of the problem. Yea, cheating isn't good either but since the two of you have previously led a non-monogamous lifestyle and have issued hall passes, I'd say it's less paramount than in more traditional marriages... IOW, the mere fact that you've has sex with others isn't going to break him at the core. Lying might.

Here's what I'd suggest. Go to him and tell him that you originally thought you could manage it, but you've come to understand that you just aren't cut out for monogamy. Reassure him that you love him and are committed, but you need some variety and hope that he will understand and be open to some kind of compromise. There is at least a chance that he'll agree, perhaps with some limits that you could respect. I would avoid the big confession, as it would only complicate everything (yes, many here will say you must). If he asks then you need to prepared. He may be smart enough not to ask given the history.

If he says absolutely not, you'll have a dilemma... the same one you have already. But if he's open to possibilities for your sake, even if it's not his first preference, then you might find a way to keep the marriage healthy. I'd strongly recommend trying to have a good sex life within the marriage as well. I would not suggest an ultimatum, but he may also realize that this is necessary. The only thing is that if he agrees despite not wanting to, it could fuel resentment and start a downhill slide.

I am suggesting this because you are already non-monogamous no inclination to change, and deception is certainly the worst choice... unless you have no conscience, which seems not to be the case... but the fact that you have some angst does not make you moral either. It's inherently complicated, of course. Usually the woman fares much, much better than a man in an open relationship since she can find takers every day of the week, and his opportunities may be few and far between, and less desirable as well. 

Married couples make compromises all the time in order to remain faithful. The other option is commit to monogamy and accept that you can't always get what you want.

Edited December 12, 2020 by salparadise

[Harry Korsnes]

On 12/10/2020 at 7:20 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Research "Cheater's High". It's not about open relationships, hall passes, etc. It's about the ego thrill of 'beating the system', much like gambling or 'getting away with', it much like shoplifting. 

If you had his consent, as you did when you were in an open relationship or had hall passes, it would be 'boring' for you, as before. Why? because it's not about extracurricular sex, it's about the thrill of the deception.

Please leave it

[usa1ah]

If a couple decide together to have an open relationship that is there choice and I hope they are happy with it. 
 

This isn’t an open relationship, OP is cheating on her husband after the hall pass wasn’t  for him any longer and wanted to keep the relationship closed. As far as meganuk has said, they never tried to find out why he had such a hard time with it. She just used hers and lied about her experience, then started cheating. 
 

Instead of working on the relationship with her husband to fix their sex life, Meganuk’s decision was to start having sex with others. She decided to cheat and doesn’t feel guilty about it. So while she is complaining about her relationship with her husband, he is home wish they were closer and had a better sex life and she is off f’ing others. It just shows she doesn’t really give a damn about her husband. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

19 hours ago, salparadise said:

Monogamy is the official lifestyle of LS, so the s-shaming is to be somewhat expected, and practical, open-minded advice is going to be sparse. I am not going to judge. You already know that lying is the biggest part of the problem. Yea, cheating isn't good either but since the two of you have previously led a non-monogamous lifestyle and have issued hall passes, I'd say it's less paramount than in more traditional marriages... IOW, the mere fact that you've has sex with others isn't going to break him at the core. Lying might.

Here's what I'd suggest. Go to him and tell him that you originally thought you could manage it, but you've come to understand that you just aren't cut out for monogamy. Reassure him that you love him and are committed, but you need some variety and hope that he will understand and be open to some kind of compromise. There is at least a chance that he'll agree, perhaps with some limits that you could respect. I would avoid the big confession, as it would only complicate everything (yes, many here will say you must). If he asks then you need to prepared. He may be smart enough not to ask given the history.

If he says absolutely not, you'll have a dilemma... the same one you have already. But if he's open to possibilities for your sake, even if it's not his first preference, then you might find a way to keep the marriage healthy. I'd strongly recommend trying to have a good sex life within the marriage as well. I would not suggest an ultimatum, but he may also realize that this is necessary. The only thing is that if he agrees despite not wanting to, it could fuel resentment and start a downhill slide.

I am suggesting this because you are already non-monogamous no inclination to change, and deception is certainly the worst choice... unless you have no conscience, which seems not to be the case... but the fact that you have some angst does not make you moral either. It's inherently complicated, of course. Usually the woman fares much, much better than a man in an open relationship since she can find takers every day of the week, and his opportunities may be few and far between, and less desirable as well. 

Married couples make compromises all the time in order to remain faithful. The other option is commit to monogamy and accept that you can't always get what you want.

So she shouldn’t let him know she has been cheating on him?

 

Why is it always the woman that never needs to confess to cheating. 
 

Makes one wounded why men no longer want to get married.

[oldtruck]

On 12/13/2020 at 9:28 AM, usa1ah said:

If a couple decide together to have an open relationship that is there choice and I hope they are happy with it. 
 

This isn’t an open relationship, OP is cheating on her husband after the hall pass wasn’t  for him any longer and wanted to keep the relationship closed. As far as meganuk has said, they never tried to find out why he had such a hard time with it. She just used hers and lied about her experience, then started cheating. 
 

Instead of working on the relationship with her husband to fix their sex life, Meganuk’s decision was to start having sex with others. She decided to cheat and doesn’t feel guilty about it. So while she is complaining about her relationship with her husband, he is home wish they were closer and had a better sex life and she is off f’ing others. It just shows she doesn’t really give a damn about her husband. 

 

Off course with all the great sex she is having with her OM, her need for great sex is filled.

So there is no motivation to work on having great sex with her BH. No desire to engage

a sex therapist to improve their sex life.

 

Cheating is wrong. This WW needs confess to her BH. Let them together decide what is

their best solution, monogamy, open marriage, divorce.

[ExpatInItaly]

Before lending my thoughts, OP:

How and why did you and your husband decide to become monogamous when you got engaged? Why not have simply chosen to continue as you were, and have an open marriage? 

I suppose what I am really asking is, who pitched the idea of becoming monogamous upon engagement - you or him? 

[SRCSRC]

This is a new one.  You justify your cheating because you are promiscuous.  Your husband expects you to be faithful at this point, but you have chosen not to be.  You are afraid the marriage will end if you tell him what you have been up to.  Wow.  Talk about betrayal.  You are out of control in this marriage.  You OWE him honesty.  I would say stop cheating and never cheat again, but you and I know you are incapable of doing that.  So, either you continue to cheat and (1) he will eventually catch on  or (2) you will become emotionally involved with one of your cheating partners.  Either way, this thing will blow sky high eventually.  You have a right to your lifestyle.  You have no right to deceive your husband.  This is going to end so badly.  Better not have children.  Who knows who could be the father.  If you truly love your husband (which I highly doubt), and wish to save your marriage (your actions indicate otherwise), you will come clean, go into therapy, establish boundaries with your husband that WILL NEVER BE CROSSED AGAIN, show remorse, pray for forgiveness, and NEVER CHEAT  AGAIN.  If you can't do these things, the solution is for the two of you divorce, unless, by some miracle, your husband would be perfectly fine in accepting your extracurricular activities. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by SRCSRC

[SRCSRC]

One more point.  Your marriage is relatively short and there are no children.  A divorce at this point would be much more palatable for both of you to swallow.  As time passes and this situation is pushed under the rug, a split up will become much more traumatic and bitter.  Don't let this thing fester.  You need to resolve the issues with your husband with full disclosure.  You will just make a bad situation much worse if you don't face the problems head on now.  

 

[merrmeade]

On 12/12/2020 at 1:30 PM, salparadise said:

Monogamy is the official lifestyle of LS, so the s-shaming is to be somewhat expected, and practical, open-minded advice is going to be sparse. I am not going to judge. You already know that lying is the biggest part of the problem. Yea, cheating isn't good either but since the two of you have previously led a non-monogamous lifestyle and have issued hall passes, I'd say it's less paramount than in more traditional marriages... IOW, the mere fact that you've has sex with others isn't going to break him at the core. Lying might.

Here's what I'd suggest. Go to him and tell him that you originally thought you could manage it, but you've come to understand that you just aren't cut out for monogamy. Reassure him that you love him and are committed, but you need some variety and hope that he will understand and be open to some kind of compromise. There is at least a chance that he'll agree, perhaps with some limits that you could respect. I would avoid the big confession, as it would only complicate everything (yes, many here will say you must). If he asks then you need to prepared. He may be smart enough not to ask given the history.

If he says absolutely not, you'll have a dilemma... the same one you have already. But if he's open to possibilities for your sake, even if it's not his first preference, then you might find a way to keep the marriage healthy. I'd strongly recommend trying to have a good sex life within the marriage as well. I would not suggest an ultimatum, but he may also realize that this is necessary. The only thing is that if he agrees despite not wanting to, it could fuel resentment and start a downhill slide.

I am suggesting this because you are already non-monogamous no inclination to change, and deception is certainly the worst choice... unless you have no conscience, which seems not to be the case... but the fact that you have some angst does not make you moral either. It's inherently complicated, of course. Usually the woman fares much, much better than a man in an open relationship since she can find takers every day of the week, and his opportunities may be few and far between, and less desirable as well. 

Married couples make compromises all the time in order to remain faithful. The other option is commit to monogamy and accept that you can't always get what you want.

I actually appreciate this clear, thoughtful explanation of OP's choices and the aspects of this lifestyle that must be considered. 

I didn't want to judge, censor or apply labels to this or the OP's explanations, and I wouldn't except for one thing that they both have in common. That is, in all this consideration of their positions, their treatment of the marriage itself feels almost flippant and superficial. Even if the concerns about the husband's feelings were given their due, it's that neither of these posters  -  not to single out but there are only the two -  neither of these posters puts equal importance on protecting the potential for the marriage to go deeper and provide increasingly more satisfaction. I don't find as much worry about their marital fulfillment being hampered by the extramarital sexual liaisons. The concern is on the other side or trying to hold on to opportunity for experimentation and enjoyment of "other" or "different." The problem is on the side of what they would lose if they gave up the extracurriculars rather than concern about expanding and deepening the marriage if they don't give it up. 

Edited January 1, 2021 by merrmeade

[HappilyMarried]

On 12/8/2020 at 4:41 AM, meganuk said:

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Sounds like you have a pretty good relationship communication wise. You made a comment about a female friend when you were dating maybe you could discuss with your husband a FFM threesome or have you guys considered maybe the swinging lifestyle by going to a club or a couple in the lifestyle? Just some suggestions or ideas. It's hard to go back to a normal marriage once you've already let the genie out of the bottle. Good luck!!

[ctdans]

I think I read that you don't feel any guilt about having extramarital sex, right?  So I am thinking you are the rare person that could do this forever and take it to your grave.  However, if you love your husband like you say (soulmate) you must know how he will feel if he ever finds out.  I am not saying he hears how the sex was so great.  I mean when he finds out that for years what he thought was a one and done has for you never ended.  If he will be crushed you need to talk.  He may stick around.

lastly, as someone else said you run the risk of health issues (or pregnancy) so you need to take caution and for that reason he needs to know so he can get on a testing schedule with his Dr.

[HappilyMarried]

On 12/8/2020 at 4:41 AM, meganuk said:

Thanks for all the comments, I wasn't even sure anyone would reply so maybe I didn't go into much detail. Some clarifications:

1. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. I'm not with him out of convenience, or financial considerations. I'm with him because he's my soulmate.  I know he feels the same way about me, we tell each other all the time - so while sexually we may have drifted apart, emotionally there's no distance whatsoever. I know for some couples love and sex are one and the same, but not for us. They never were by the way, we loved each other from the moment we met but we still saw other people. This went on for two years before we got engaged: I had a girlfriend who fulfilled different needs he couldn't fulfil and we both had casual sex with others, it was no big deal at the time. I know it may not seem "normal" to most people, but it worked for us.

2. I don't feel guilty for having sex with other people, I feel guilty for not being honest about it. In hindsight, I should have told him straight away how much I'd enjoyed my hall pass and that I wanted more, but at the time I felt bad because he'd had such a crap time with his date (he'd lost his erection, then got it back but ended things in a rush for fear of losing it again). So I only told him half of the stuff I'd done with my guy, I tried to make fun of certain things (like the guy's skinny legs) and I think I left him with the impression that my date hadn't been that great, when in fact it was the best thing that had happened to me in years. It's just proof that lying never pays, it only leads to bigger lies. Now the lies have built up to a point where to come clean would mean to hurt him beyond repair, so I can't bring myself to do it - though I know it would be the right thing to do.

3. What am I getting out of the cheating? Well, this is going to sound really shallow but it's just basic sexual fulfilment. My husband and I still have sex regularly, and god knows we've tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but his kinks don't so much for me - and viceversa. He has a foot fetish, which I indulge up to a point, but there's only so much pleasure a woman can get from having her toes sucked. Likewise, I love anal but he doesn't. Generally, I like rough and he's more into tenderness. So I guess it comes down to not being sexually compatible. But as I said, we've kind of known this from day 1. This is why we initially agreed to keep seeing other people. The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea...

 

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Hey @meganukany update on your situation it has been 2months since your last post. I must ask a serious question. The bold sentences from your number 1 point about you say "I love my husband and have not intention of leaving him. Then you say "I'm with him because he is my soulmate. If you truly feel this way to your husband shouldn't have a third option? It should be if you talk to your husband again about your feelings for having a open relationship and why you feel you need to. If he says no he wants to stay in a monogamous marriage that should be a option as well if he truly is your soulmate unless you want to put your wants ahead of your husband and marriage. I guess possible fourth option would be you talk to him about your wants and feelings and he still wants to stay monogamous you then could do that with your "soulmate" and stop seeing others and take your secret to your grave. Certainty you can see what you are doing is not the least bit fair to your husband. Plus when you lie to him when you have your sex encounters it is also taking away time that could be spent with you spouse. Finally do you guys have any children? Best of luck  you have some tough decisions ahead I am afraid.

[HappilyMarried]

On 12/8/2020 at 4:41 AM, meganuk said:

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Hey @meganukhaven't heard anything from you in 2+ months was just seeing where things were at now between you and your spouse?

 

On 12/8/2020 at 4:41 AM, meganuk said:

I'm with him because he's my soulmate. 

From the above where you said you had two options don't you think they should be a third option I asked this a week ago, and talk to your husband ("Soulmate" as you refer to him) to see what he or what he wants in your marriage. He could want it to go back to a monogamous marriage. I guess you did not list that as a option that you don't want whatsoever even with your so called soulmate. I just don't see how you can call someone your soulmate and at the time of your last post in early December have cheated with 3 other guys behind your husband's back. I don't think this is right to do whatsoever but if you haven't talked to him yet you could bring up your two options plus the monogamous one as well and see what your husband says without bringing up your other 3 infidelities.

Edited February 13, 2021 by HappilyMarried

[Just a Guy]

Hi Megan, I've read your OP and some of the replies that folks have given you in detail. The others I have skimmed through. The gist is more or less the same. Sal Paradise's response was was thought out and worth considering. My own suggestion after reading your  OP is that with the kind of libido you have and the sexual incompatibility between you and your husband, you are best suited to the Hotwife kink. If you do not already know of Hotwives I suggest you Google it. Of course, you will have to get your husband onboard which means you will have to confide in him and convince him that it is the only way you will be able to survive sexually while remaining married to him and being fully committed to him emotionally. True Hotwives have this capability and their husbands love them for it. Rather than sneaking behind your husband's back and building up a mountain of guilt and resentment just take the plunge and talk to your husband. You should look up ohw dot organisation which should clarify a lot of your doubts. You and your husband could also try the swinging lifestyle where both get to participate in activities. Personally, I have no interest in either of these activities. But I realized a long time ago that "One man's meat is another man's poison" and that one should "Live and let live"! So there you have it. Decide what you want to do. Warm wishes.

Edited March 5, 2021 by Just a Guy
Correction of typos.

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @meganukany updates either good or bad?

[NYAG]

On 12/7/2020 at 9:10 PM, meganuk said:

My husband and I used to be in an open relationship before marriage, then went down the monogamy route from engagement onwards.

3 years into our marriage, no kids in the picture, it became clear that we were both getting a bit bored. I could see him flirting with friends of ours all the time, I kept fantasising about other men... You get the idea.

Rather than ending up cheating on each other, I suggested trying a hall pass, just a one-off.

He used his first and had a very disappointing time with it. It pretty much put him off the whole thing and he then decided he didn't want to try that again.

The trouble is, I spent my pass with someone from work and loved every minute. I really wanted more, but he never offered and I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying how dissatisfied I was.

I'm ashamed to say, I ended up cheating, which is something I never thought I would do. I've slept with three other people since that hall pass, which was over a year ago. Now I feel like it's gone too far for me to confess without the relationship breaking up, so I'm living a lie and I hate it, but at the same time I can't give up my promiscuity, I'm enjoying it too much.

Is it possible to learn to live with the guilt and "make a success" of being unfaithful, or is this only going to end in tears? I suspect most people will say the latter, but I'm interested in all perspectives.

I think it can be very hard to change relationship dynamics when you have settled into one pattern. So going from open to monogamous, and now trying to flip it back again but only for on'e go is a tricky thing to manage. It's flicked a switch in you for something that was familiar for you. I started in a monogamous relationship once that turned into an open relationship except it came from him and I was pressured into it and it never worked. I thought I must have a jealous streak but I have since then been in open relationships and jealousy has never reared its head again. I realise this is a little off your question though. I think you really need to talk to her husband because this will not go away. You need to explain that doing things 'the old way again' has reignited something in you. You need to talk this right out and not go behind his back. It will ultimately make you miserable and probably end your marriage.

[Miss Peach]

I don't want to guilt trip you OP but to keep any relationship working I think you really need some honesty. So I would figure out your end soon so you know how to communicate this to your husband.

 

Having said that is this really what you want or could this be NRE (new relationship energy)? I would hate for you to end something good if it's just NRE getting the better of you.

[TedMosbySexArchitekt]

On 12/8/2020 at 10:41 AM, meganuk said:

Thanks for all the comments, I wasn't even sure anyone would reply so maybe I didn't go into much detail. Some clarifications:

1. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. I'm not with him out of convenience, or financial considerations. I'm with him because he's my soulmate.  I know he feels the same way about me, we tell each other all the time - so while sexually we may have drifted apart, emotionally there's no distance whatsoever. I know for some couples love and sex are one and the same, but not for us. They never were by the way, we loved each other from the moment we met but we still saw other people. This went on for two years before we got engaged: I had a girlfriend who fulfilled different needs he couldn't fulfil and we both had casual sex with others, it was no big deal at the time. I know it may not seem "normal" to most people, but it worked for us.

2. I don't feel guilty for having sex with other people, I feel guilty for not being honest about it. In hindsight, I should have told him straight away how much I'd enjoyed my hall pass and that I wanted more, but at the time I felt bad because he'd had such a crap time with his date (he'd lost his erection, then got it back but ended things in a rush for fear of losing it again). So I only told him half of the stuff I'd done with my guy, I tried to make fun of certain things (like the guy's skinny legs) and I think I left him with the impression that my date hadn't been that great, when in fact it was the best thing that had happened to me in years. It's just proof that lying never pays, it only leads to bigger lies. Now the lies have built up to a point where to come clean would mean to hurt him beyond repair, so I can't bring myself to do it - though I know it would be the right thing to do.

3. What am I getting out of the cheating? Well, this is going to sound really shallow but it's just basic sexual fulfilment. My husband and I still have sex regularly, and god knows we've tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but his kinks don't so much for me - and viceversa. He has a foot fetish, which I indulge up to a point, but there's only so much pleasure a woman can get from having her toes sucked. Likewise, I love anal but he doesn't. Generally, I like rough and he's more into tenderness. So I guess it comes down to not being sexually compatible. But as I said, we've kind of known this from day 1. This is why we initially agreed to keep seeing other people. The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea...

 

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Compared to many others here, I wont claim to have all the answers to the most difficult aspect of life.
But I try to give a very different point pf view:
dont even think of you guys as having drifted apart sexually. There are many ways of keeping sex interesting, but ultimately having sex with one person will get boring at some point. It is an Art to keep it interesting for as long as possible. 
So on one hand, should you guys really settle for the inevitable boredom that every monogamous sex life will reach sooner or later? 

on the other hand, if all you want is a good feeling and thrill, you could inject yourself heroine or take cocaine every day. Its the most fun thing but will it ultimately be the right decision? Does less fun, maybe a bit of boredom lead to an overall better life in retrospective?

Anyway, find these answers for yourself, maybe talk to a therapist alone, or use this group.
Confessing to your husband right now might be a huge mistake.  What you did might have been a huge mistake as well. Those questions are deep and difficult and nobody here has one correct answer, especially not from their bible lessons.