Reasons for leaving

[Helsing001]

My gf broke up with me yesterday.

I didn't see it coming. On Saturday it was Saint Nicholas. In my country we give gifts to each other. We were happy. We spent Sunday together, amongst others my gf fit photos with us in a photo frame that we had. On Monday she told me she couldn't sleep on Sunday because she drank too much coffee. Still, she was very affectionate towards me until lunch. Then, she started talking with fewer words and having a somber face. I asked her if she's ok, she said she is. She went to the shower. When she got back I went to her because we were planning on starting making a puzzle together. She started crying and told me she's very upset. That our relantionship is not what she expected. She started thinking about this last night when she couldn't sleep.

She then started telling me a lot of things she didn't like about me, most of them somehow seem childish to me. For example, there's an unused power cord stuck on a wall in our living room (nothing dangerous, it's not powered), she told me 3 or 4 times that she can't stand it and I should cut it and I didn't. She said it's an example of me not having initiative. I told her I only see a memory problem, not initiative. She told me that last time when we went shopping and couldn't find a product I asked if I should ask a shop employee about where it is located. I told her I have a bad habit sometimes of talking to myself, but haven't asked her as in didn't know what to do. She told me some months ago when we were searching for the entry in a block of flats I stood too much time undecided what to do.. I remember standing but it was like 10 seconds and this because I was searching visually for a sign indicating what we were looking for, so that we don't go in the wrong direction. I once asked her if she could take something out from the oven because we didn't have thermal insulated gloves and she has way better heat resistence than I do. She said this means I'm not independent enough. She told me all these things are like a snowball, they accumulated. I told her I understand that, but 1. for me they seem like small things and 2. nothing happened in the last week, no fight (and she agreed nothing upset her), what made the snowball bigger? She said she doesn't know.

I'm not saying these are good habits I have. I understand she can break up with me even with no reason. But after 3 and a half years together I expected her to know the little things about me and care more about the big things. We could think of a lot of good things we did together. Initiative: for example, we were looking for a house of our own to buy and I was doing most of the searching. She never said she wasn't sure about this move, maybe this is why she didn't search herself, but she has this attitude about  other things too, like for example when planning a trip I do all the preparations. Independece: we live together, never asked anyone else's help, on the other hand she can't be away from her sister more than some days, she even told me recently that we should wait until her sister decides to also buy a house with her bf and buy a duplex together, as she dreams of living next door to her sister.

Lately, she had a lot of troubling behavior in my opinion. 

Example 1: we were going to a trip for 4 days. A week before her sister with her bf decided to join us in our trip, but told us they will only stay for 3 days. We already had tickets bought for 4 days I should mention. She asked me if I want us to also stay 3 days. I told her that I prefer to stay for 4 days like we initially decided, both because the rooms were already payed but also because I wanted to stay for a day alone with her (initially, this was supposed to be a romantic trip with only the both of us, but then she invited her sister). Next day, I realised I haven't asked her what she wants. I asked her, what about you, would you prefer us to stay for 3 days instead of 4? She got mad. She even yelled. She told me that I'm not capable of changing a plan. Why I'm asking her this if one day ago I was so sure I don't want to stay for 4 days? I told her it's just a question and I can't understand why we need to fight over it. 

Example 2: we ordered groceries online. They should have arrived at the latest at 17 o'clock. It was 18 and the courier still hadn't arrived. We were supposed to go to the gym. I called him. He told me he can reach us in 30 minutes. I asked him to come over 19:30 and he told me it's too late. We still had food in the fridge so I told him to come next day early in the morning. My gf got so mad at me. Why didn't I insist? We were also out of laundry softener and I forgot and we couldn't wash our clothes. I told her we could go to a shop on our way back from the gym. She didn't want. Next day, I phoned the courier again just to make sure he arrives in time. I convinced him to come at 11 AM, first delivery for him. She again got mad. It was too late, it seems, and we didn't have enough time to wash all our clothes until evening. The courier later rang and told me that unfortunately he can't come at 11 anymore because of something unexpected. What was I supposed to do? To got into an argument with the courier? Would it have helped? I don't believe so. I told my gf and asked her if she wants me to go and buy that softener myself. She again got mad, why I'm asking her, can't I decide for myself? I told her that for me even 16 isn't too late, we have all the time in the world until night to wash our clothes, that's why I'm asking her.

When we first moved together there were a lot of times when I turned off the light, come into bed next to her and she started crying, and I mean a really bad cry. Sometimes it was about my mother, which I wrote about in a different post, other times it was for different stuff, but never more important than the examples above. I always tried convincing her to tell about her worries in a healthy way, that I don't believe it's normal to be all fine with the lights on, turn off lights and then start crying.

What do you make of this? I appreciate you being honest.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Helsing001 said:

Independence: we live together,

Sorry to hear this. She's been unhappy for a while. Unfortunately these nitpicking things cover a much deeper unhappiness about family living together goals and future. 

[Helsing001]

Forget about my previous post. Something new happened.

My gf had actually said she needed time to think if she wants to break up with me. Then she left to her sister and yesterday I was alone in our rented apartment. 

To my shame, I did something really bad. She had forgot her work phone and asked me to switch it off. When I unlocked it, I saw GMail on the screen and couldn't help but open it.

3 mails down there was an email from her sister telling my gf a lot of bad stuff about me: how I'm not good enough for my gf, how she (the sister) has been planning to get rid of me in the last 3 months, how I can't do anything right etc Nothing is true imo but I got so down reading all that bad stuff about me that I had a bad crysis and needed to talk to someone. I called my mother, crying, told her I will come to her and again to my shame told her about the email. My mother got very upset, cursed etc

Then i wrote my gf about how I can't believe what I read. She came to the apartment immediately. Cried a lot, telling me she never asked for that email from her sister. That it's only her opinion. She knows nothing is true. She never agreed with anything her sister said. But now I broke her trust, reading her email. And it's an even harder situation, me having a very bad opinion about her sister and my mother about my gf.

We had a very meaningful talk afterwards . We told each other things about us that we never would have otherwise. We got to know each other better last evening than we did maybe in the last 3 years. We decided that we either break up or go to couple therapy. Also she said she will go to individual therapy as she realised her behavior is troubling sometimes and needs to discover why. We even slept in the same bed.

This morning my mother posted on fb something bad, like how a person broke her trust. I found my gf crying uncontrollable after reading it. I managed to calm her down for the moment and told my mother to never ever do this again.

After all this crying, how her sister thinks of me, how my mother thinks of my gf along with all the things that made my gf leave in the first place, do you honestly think we still have a chance? I feel my gf wanting to try, I feel that's why she cried so bad after I read that email and after my mother posted on fb, she doesn't want us to break up because of other people. I don't want it either. It's like a sea of mistakes.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Helsing001 said:

3 mails down there was an email from her sister telling my gf a lot of bad stuff about me: how I'm not good enough for my gf, how she (the sister) has been planning to get rid of me in the last 3 months, how I can't do anything right etc

I called my mother, crying, told her I will come to her and again to my shame told her about the email. My mother got very upset, cursed etc

 

Wow you need to end this. You need to live with your mother. Why is your mother this overinvolved in your relationships and worse why are you telling her all this, knowing she would post hostile passive aggressive nonsense?

Your GF has every right to confide in her family/friends.

You have zero respect for her and cracking into her emails is nasty.

Leave, don't look back, find a therapist who will work with you on the mother issues and work with you on developing healthy boundaries.

Your mother seems to be a huge problem for you.

[Helsing001]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wow you need to end this. You need to live with your mother. Why is your mother this overinvolved in your relationships and worse why are you telling her all this, knowing she would post hostile passive aggressive nonsense?

Your GF has every right to confide in her family/friends.

You have zero respect for her and cracking into her emails is nasty.

Leave, don't look back, find a therapist who will work with you on the mother issues and work with you on developing healthy boundaries.

Your mother seems to be a huge problem for you.

Wow, but this is a nasty response and I remember a similar one in a previous post of mine from you. Imo you should find a therapist as I find your posts here somehow disturbing (have read other posts of yours too).

Your statement of yours that my gf has every right to confide in her family, but me no right really invalidates everything else you said as it doesn't make sense logically.

I don't know if you realise that the things I read were so nasty that one thing I had in mind was jumping out the window. Do you believe that would have been better than calling my mother? Please, answer this one. Who should I have called? Maybe emergency, it's right, somehow I chose my mother. I should find a therapist for how low I feel, I know this is true and I already have an appointment for next week.

If I may give you a piece of advice , try to think things through before you answer as I have the impression your replies are only meant to count on your profile and don't show empathy at all.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like a lot of drama that pulls at the heart strings.  I really feel for you as this drama creates a feeling of deepness.  But remember feelings come and go.  They are temporary.

If it were me, I would end it.  The reality is that when you invest in a life with someone, you are married to their family as much as them.  Having a family dynamic that is so toxic just grinds down the relationship.  It is even more problematic that she is so close to her sister.  It would be different if they had a distant relationship.

‘And she obviously has issues with your mom and vice versa.  If you stay together you will need to impose distance with your mother to keep the gf happy.  Are you really willing to do that?

When you are capable of loving someone and truly love them you happily put their needs above yours for the things that are meaningful to them.  It does not sound like your gf has the ability to do this.  You are responsible for your own happiness.  How you let other people treat you is up to you.  
 

My experience is that when something is this broken, it will end.  How much time you want waste on it is up to you.  Many of us have lost years because we did not bite the bullet, but that is life.