I've moved back in with my parents and feel like a complete failure

[lucyjade]

My partner and I broke up after five years and I'm devastated. I moved 300 miles to be with him, we had met at university when I was living there and we fell in love and at the time I loved the local area. It was a great university town and I loved my independence. Unfortunately, five years down the line, it became apparent that I missed home too much and that I felt very isolated in my new town once I had graduated. He had all his friends there, all his family, and all my friends (including university ones) were a train ride away making it hard to just plan spontaneous visits. I tried so hard to see people as much as I could, but it was very difficult to plan visits as there was such distance between me and family/friends.

It all fell apart, I began to drink heavily and I resented him, he was never in the house, he couldn't understand why I couldn't settle down, and we mutually agreed we needed to end things because neither of us were happy anymore. I have now moved back to my hometown, temporarily living with my parents, and I feel like a gigantic failure. Thankfully I still have my job as it's a remote one and I am contributing to the house financially as I do not want to burden my parents. I feel like I should've just gotten over myself and made myself feel more comfortable in the local area with my ex... but no matter what I tried it just didn't feel like home. I tried and tried, but I felt like I was in a prison.

I'm now trying to look forward, find my independence, and thrive in an area I do love but I secretly hate myself and wish I could've fit in with the local community in my former town. If I had, maybe I'd still be with my partner. Does anyone have any advice or a shared experience? 

[Gaeta]

Hello lucyjade: I think you are too hard on yourself. You gave it a try, your heart was in the right place, it didn't work and you did the mature thing which was to go your separate ways. You did try to adapt and it didn't happen, you respected your limits, you did the right thing. Not enough people respect their limits.

As for living at your parents it's temporary. I'm a mom and I would not think less of my adult daughter if she needed my help to get back on her feet. A lot of people, actually most people had big set backs in their life and with time were able to come back on top. I lost everything twice after a divorce, lost house, savings, status, financial stability. I've rebuilt myself each time. 

Hang in there, it will get better soon. 

[d0nnivain]

Be happy you have parents to shelter you in a pandemic.  Embrace their love & support while you lick your wounds from the break up.  

You said it yourself, this is temporary.  Enjoy the safety net while you figure some stuff out. 

When I was 33, I lived with my parents for 6 months while I was trying to close on a house that kept having problems & complications.  

You are paying rent.  You are not a drain on them.  

[TeddyBundy1993]

Yes this happens more often in a long distance relationships.  New environment sounds amazing and exploring is fun,  as you get familiar homesickness sets in.  It wasn't completely your fault, you didnt talked about your partners contribution? Didnt he supported and tried to make you more comfortable there. Now as you made a firm decision dont look back again and again and consider if things could be been different you tried and it didnt worked out. In such relationships moving away from family is a heavy cost one has to pay. A close friend of mine was married for 14 years and suddenly homesickness drove her crazy after 14 years of married life. And she returned back to her native country. You followed your heart and it's not sign of failure, either way you were not happy there. Take your time heal and take this advantage of reuniting with your family and friends again. Dont date someone far away next time as you know you cant stay away from your family.  Everything will fine, life changes constantly nothing stays same forever. Good luck 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree you're being too hard on yourself. I've moved a long distance for love, been involved with a man who moved a long distance to be with me, and when it ended it was hard. But in the big picture, looking back, I don't regret any of it. We were in love and overcame a lot of obstacles to try to make it work. Even though it didn't last, we had great adventures and made wonderful memories.

This is a hard time for everybody. Even if you're doing well on paper, you're most likely picking up all the negative emotions out there, which takes a toll. It's a good time to be close to family and save money for the next chapter in your life. You're lucky to have a stable income and supportive family around you. Focus on the positive as much as you can.

[lucyjade]

Thanks everyone, this has really made me feel better ❤️ It's just such a tough adjustment period as it's all still very raw and confusing

[flitzanu]

does your mom make you pancakes every morning?  because i'd move home right this minute if i could get pancakes.

srsly, it's 2020, the whole world is topsy turvy.  take some time at home being comfortable, formulate your plan, save money, eat pancakes.