medev88 Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 I have come to the conclusion that my recent breakup was nothing short of 5 years of emotional abuse. All of the signs are there. Yet, at times, i find myself still longing for this person, although I do know how toxic he is. Short Story: We were a gay couple -- i am 30 & he is 27. We'd been in an on/off again relationship for 5 years. There were numerous accounts of cheating -- my best guess is roughly 50-100 time with maybe 20 different people. The most recent time we were together, I had believed that he had stopped, as promised -- he had begged for one last chance. Come to find out, guess what? MORE CHEATING. The blame would fall on me -- 'if you didn't go home that weekend and would have just stayed here', 'if you would have ______'. I've been called all sorts of names and belittled. We had 3 physical altercations. I never hit him, but he attempted to land punches on me (he did land one of them). The 3rd time, I grabbed him and held him tightly, and slammed him on the couch so that I could leave and get away from that. He would blame all of this on 'being too intoxicated'. Also when intoxicated, he has told me 3-4 times how much he 'hates me', and 'i'm going to kill you'. He said 'i hope you don't really think that, i would never do something like that, i was just drunk'. ---------------------------------------------- Flash forward: We broke up 2 weeks ago. In the past, when this has happened, he has acted in a similar way --- he will text/call, tell me he loves me/misses me etc. Last week, while love-bombing me, we end up in a phone conversation where he very seemingly wants to work things out. We knew we were going to be at a mutual-friends party the coming weekend. We ended up hanging out, he was very lovey-dovey at the party, and just being a nice guy. He wanted me to come over to stay etc etc. ----- the next day, he says we need to talk. He asked me "have you given this any thought?" and wanted my thoughts first. Since he broke up with me, i felt he should speak first. To my surprise, he said he "does not" think we should get back together and "that we keep repeating this vicious cycle." What gets me, is, that he initiates the cycle because he can't/won't keep his body to himself, amongst other things. But then he said "maybe i will be open to revisiting the idea in the future -- when you get your life together". Ouch? I am just so confused at how, it feels yet again to me like he is blaming ME for his actions and our relationship not having worked out. I don't understand why he would say such things -- and it feels like he is trying to keep me on the back-burner as a backup option or something and saying 'maybe one day you will be good enough'. It is really messing with my head. It is torturous, and yes, it does make me feel like I could be/do better and that we'd have gotten a different outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 This sounds like it has been a seriously unhealthy relationship. I agree that he's trying to keep you on the hook. He'll definitely keep messing with your head (and heart) as long as you let him. I hope you can find the strength to stay away from him and heal. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor to help get things straight in your head and be able to be strong in the knowledge that he was seriously messing with you, don't doubt yourself. When you start to feel more angry about how he treated you than hurt, you'll be well on your way to healing. Link to post Share on other sites
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