Ex left our family for someone else

[McPuff]

I will try and make this short. Been with this girl for 14 years. We have a 12 year old daughter.

The ex receives a text asking if she’s single from a co worker,” asking for a friend.” She laughs it off, saying, "Who would be interested in me?" A few days later, she gets all pissed off with me over a YouTube video of a girl in a bikini, which I didn’t watch, it auto played into the next video which was that one.

She got mad for days very cold and distant. Then says we need to talk. I knew what was coming. She starts crying and says she doesn’t love me anymore it’s been like that for awhile and she’s been thinking of this for some time now. I was shocked by everything she said. Father's day was a few days prior. She wrote me a loving card, telling me how she loves me and wants us to work things out no matter what, all that stuff. But while she’s sitting there breaking up with me telling me to move out I’m so confused how she loved me a week ago but stopped loving me awhile back.

Anyways, I move out while I have no job due to COVID-19 and nowhere to go. So I sleep in my car. A few days later my daughter messaged me, says that she found somethings on her moms computer. The ex had been looking up how to please a guy.  My daughter should be seeing that stuff.

I go over and confront her and start throwing out co-workers names. She starts laughing. Weird because we know she starts laughing when she gets nervous and put on the spot. Again starts crying, so I leave. The next couple of days get worse. My daughter sees her texting quite a bit snd locks her phone and doesn’t let her use her phone anymore. Finds out her mom is buying sexy under wear and lingerie. And caught one day coming out of the bathroom topless after hearing her taking pictures. Most likely sending nudes. My daughter finally confront hers and tells her I know you guys are broken up I know you’re seeing someone else. Her mom told her we were just living desperate so that I get help with schooling, big lie. Even while she’s being confronted she lies and eventually admits to us being broken up and how she kicked me out. She denies talking to someone, so our daughter asks to see her phone and in front of herstarts deleting texts messages. After that moment my daughter lost so much respect for her mom. Her mom sent our daughter away with her parents for the summer. I struggled to see her because she removed me from our bank account snd I was struggling finding a job. While she was with her grandparents the ex rarely saw our daughter, I’d push for her to go visit her. Our daughter would call her mom only to find out weeks later that she was being ignored because her mom was out parting getting drunk not going home to sleep. Our daughter was devastated. Her mom neglected her all summer lied to her countless times. And what makes it worse, the grama had and affair and here we are repeating history while the mom sides with the ex and my daughter is pushed aside stuck there with them not carrying that she’s being emotionally abused by her neglecting mother. Istruggled so much to find a job but once I did all I could afford were hotels once in awhile so that my daughter could get away from them. Fast forward I now have a place of my own my daughter tried patching things up with her mom( who’s the grownup here) the mom tell her that she doesn’t regret lying to her, because she didn’t want to her our daughters feelings. My daughter can’t believe what her mom is telling her and all hell breaks lose. After trying to reconcile with her mom that neglected her and chose a single life over her and never bothered apologizing. She had enough and ripped up our family picture, they’re cheap prints and we have the digital files so I want bothered. Her mom threatens to send her to her parents again but until she’s 18! So I intervene and pick up my daughter and she’s been living with me ever since.(Oct 28th,2020) a week later it’s our daughter birthday and her mom wishes her such a loveless birthday. “Happy Birthday” the ex is one of the happiest, jolliest, prettiest, smartest hard working people I’ve ever met. She’s gorgeous andeveryone loves her. They say she’s too nice. But if they only knew how she is behind closed doors. Completeopposite, she’ll eat us alive. She messaged me on our daughters birthday saying that she changed the house lock becuse she doesn’t trust our daughter there alone. Great now our daughter waits in the complex clubs houses restroom until I can pick her up after work. She’s in there 4 hours!!! I’m here dealing with our daughters broken heart while her mom is out drinking doing who knows what. So I snap and tell her off and tell her that I’m done talking with her, we don’t need her in our lifeand I’ve lost respect for her as a mom. Btw she’s a RN Nurse. Her career is based around caring for other and she can’t even care for her own daughter, someone she carried around for 9 months and struggles two days to reliever. I don’t get it. My mom was a single mom and taught us that kids come first. She made that known to any guy she met. Very up front. If I were doing this, my mom would call social service on me and do everythingshe could to remove my daughter from me. But my ex mom believes your needs come first, and you can buy back their love with expensive gifts and eventually they’ll just forget. Play the victim everyone will come to your aid   them both. So because I told her off and told her not to message me. Told her on Nov 24th. Shemessaged our daughter. Our daughter basically told her off too. Saying she’ll never change and how she’s never apologized. Her mom says I’m sorry for how I made you feel. My 12 year old daughter says, that’s the problem, you never apologize for what you’ve done or regret anything you’ve done, you show no remorse.  Her mom then says I’m sorry for what I did, I regret it. Never specified what exactly she’s talking about. My daughter hasn’t replied since. She says, we don’t need her, all we need is each other, I forget she even exist. 
 

Hopefully someone with something similar can give me some insight on our situation or just advance in general. There’s days that I feel like I’m going crazy here. We’re completely alone. Even more so with covid. The way my ex has been acting drives me mad sometimes. I don’t get why’d she’s turned so cold. I can get that she lost love for me and met someone during work and left me for him. But to do this to our daughter? She has made a complete 180. Didn’t like going out, drinking, swearing, or having friends or even watching anything with nudity. And now it’s likes anything goes. Forgot to mention. Her mom went 3 weeks without checking in on our daughter. I kept track. So when I told her off I brought that up. So now every Monday on cue she’ll message our daughter saying. How are you? LOLwow. Almost like her way of saying you see I do check in. My ex has turned into a total piece of crap, so toxic. She even says in not available 24/7. Let me know a day in advance to see if I’m available. You’re a mom!!! You’re job is to be available 24/7 for our daughter. My daughter wanted to pick up a sweater from her house, since she changed the locks we had to make an appt because the ex didn’t reply to us for 2 days. 
 

I can now officially say that this has been my lowest point ever. Cheated on, homeless, no money, no food, showering at the beach, not sleeping. Losing 40 lbs in 2 months. Seeing my daughter soul being torture and not being able to help her because I have nothing to offer her! I’ve been doing my best with what I have, and we’re in a better place now. Just every once in awhile I get angry and feel like I still don’t get why all this happened and why her mom to this very second is still absent. She’s a completely different person, we have no idea who this person is, but we want nothing to do with her. Sorry for ranting, it actually helped to get this off my chest after not having anyone to talk to. 
 

my ex just turned 32 on Dec 2. She didn’t hear a word from us. I just turned 35. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing, etc.

[Harry Korsnes]

Hi!

Not a good situation for you and your daughter. Dont know where you are but ther must be some laws for your situation.

[McPuff]

We are in Los Angeles. I am looking into a few things within the law. Currently she offered $400 a month sort of like child support. She makes $90k a year and spend $100’s of just random things. $400 is very insulting. I also told her that I was going to claim our daughter when it came to taxes. In a few months she’s going to have a rude awakening when she find out how much money she is going to owe and how little money she will receive in the end. I didn’t reminder a few times, but like always, she just ignore us. 

[Milly May June]

OP, such a sad story. I feel for you and your DD. Wow your ex will not be winning any mother of the year awards. Get legal advice ASAP. Many lawyers offer free consultations. Talk to a few just to inform yourself of your rights and obligation. Get a legal custedy agreement in place as soon as possible. 

Do you co-own/co-lease the house you left? If so i dont think she can legally change the locks and you might still be legally obligated to pay for the upkeep. 

No matter how angry you are do not act out in texts, letters or emails to her She can use it against you in court. Keep it civil as if a judge is reading your messages. 

If you can, i suggest some councling for your daughter and for your self as well. You both have been put through the ringer and will need support to process all this. Keep your DD your priority in all this mess and show her that she has one relable patent that she can count on and that loves her. You have plenty to offer her and you are doing the best you can in your circumstance. There will be better times ahead. Just keep moving. 

 

[Wiseman2]

How old is your daughter? Who has custody? Where do you live now? 

Your child seems to provide you with a lot of irrelevant raunchy details. Why is that?

Edited December 9, 2020 by Wiseman2

[McPuff]

@Wiseman2Our daughter would use the one laptop in the house to work on school assignment during Distant Learning. She was going through the browser history to find the site that she normally does to log in to work on something. While I moved out she was gone with her grandparents for about 4 days. She has to keep scrolling through the history and keep seeing her moms searches. She had suspected something was going g on between us two (her mom and I) because we were distant for nearly a week. And later revealed that she had a feeling that her mom told me to leave and that she was seeing someone else. So when when she had to keep scrolling down and down. Through so many searches of Victoria secret and how to please a guy she called me. All she said was, moms been looking up some things, I can’t say what it is, I don’t think it’s for kids. She showed me through FaceTime from her iPad and right away I knew what it was. So my daughter didn’t tell me she’s buying lingerie and sexy underwear and how to please a guy. But accidentally came across it and things just started to come together in her head about her mom. And as for her catching her mom taking pictures. She said that her mom told her one day that she was going gtl shower up stairs. Except she was gone longer than usual and never heard the water. She didn’t think much of it. She went up stairs for something for her braces. The vanity is right outside the restroom door which only has the toilet and the bath tub. As she got close to the vanity kept hearing the phone making the sound it make when you take pictures. She thought that was weird and a few seconds later her mom walks out too less wearing makeup( she had done her makeup while she was in there) again all a coincidence and pure by chance that she caught her. Her mom freaked out seeing her there and covered herself with her arm phone in hand. My daughter asked what we’re you doing. She freaked out and couldn’t muster words. Eventually said nothing. My daughter asked were you taking pictures? My ex eyes widened and began to stutter and said no. She asked why are you wearing so much make up if you’re going to shower again stuttering. Said she’s not wearing makeup all while her makeup bag was also in there. One day they took some pictures of something with the ex phone and they started to look at them. While they went into the gallery my Ex freaked because she noticed she had some selfies of herself and immediately got away and started to delete them. My daughter was just putting dots together in her head and eventually confronted her mom. Even after all the proof that my daughter found and all by accident. The ex prob thought she’d never get caught but my daughter started to see her mom act different and now we know why. 

[McPuff]

@Wiseman2we live in Long Beach, Ca. No custody, but it’s something I’ve been looking into. I have every text between her mom and I where she says things like “f her” I can’t stand her, I don’t care if she sleeps on the streets with you. I have a life outside of her. I don’t want to be found. I don’t answer her calls on purpose. I turn off my phone. It’s no ones business what I do, and no one can stop me from doing what I want etc. like I said she was completely different before the break up. She loved her family and did everything with us and for us. And now says things like do you think I want to be watching cartoons and kids movies? Her life doesn’t revolve around me I have a life and I’m looking to move to downtown, I like the life their, so much to do. My daughter turned 13 a few weeks ago. 

[McPuff]

@Milly May Junethank you for your advice. I have been looking into how to go about getting custody of my daughter. Just archiving our conversations for proof. I didn’t even think of getting a lawyers opinion, but I will look into that. We were renting and both our names are on the forms, I just let it go and figured that’s one more thing that I can bring up while building a case against her. I have started to look into someone that my daughter can talk to(professional help) with work and her school it’s been a little hard to do anything outside of that. But even a zoom session would help. 

[Milly May June]

It sounds to me like your ex is having some type of mental breakdown or that she might be using some substance. This kind of behaviour change that is very sudden can be a strong indicator of mental issues or drug abuse. Maybe just have it in the back of your head when dealing with her. Just a tip, call your landloard where your ex lives and ask if the rent is payed. If she is irrational and planning on moving maybe she is not playing rent which could cause problems for you if you are on the lease. 

OP do you have family and friends that can give you support? I understand this is a very difficult situation. Do you have anyone IRL to talk to? 

Hope for the best outcome for you and your DD. One day at a time. 

[McPuff]

@Milly May Juneshe has been drinking, and she says to take the edge off. As for substance abuse it’s not impossible for her to be taking something. She is. RN nurse and they get tested. So I don’t think. She got pregnant very you 19. So I think she didn’t get a chance to explore her youth. Her mom had an affair at a similar age and she was married when she was 17 or 18. They both have very similar personalities. Very friendly I say too friendly where people can easily mistake it for flirting. Touchy, same people can mistake it for flirting and love attention. Complements and what not. When her mom cheated our daughter was turning 2. They’re very close and I’m sure the mom knows more and possibly encourage her. She did tell her one time not to go during the week be cause my ex works so much and sometimes just needs a day to herself. She works 80 hours a week in surgery. If she wanted she could of told her, this is your daughter you need to spend time with her right now after this separation, you’re not going to just dump her here all summer so that you can go off and do whatever you want. You’re a mom and she’s your responsibility not ours. After reading so much around I get a feeling that my ex is so concerned with her new relationship and seeing if the grass is greener that she’s completely lost touch of her old self and is fully consumed with this new life style. She’s also shown narcissist traits. Plays victim, never apologizes, completely loved by everyone but cruel to us behind cold doors. She’s very good with finances, I know she’s paying it’s really cheap rent for the area, we got extremely lucky. She knows anywhere else it’s super expensive. It withdrawn automatically from the bank account every month. The land lord passed away a two years ago and his son took over who is extremely strict and he doesn’t tolerate someone not paying rent. 

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, McPuff said:

Our daughter would call her mom only to find out weeks later that she was being ignored because her mom was out parting getting drunk not going home to sleep. Our daughter was devastated. Her mom neglected her all summer lied to her countless times.

...So I intervene and pick up my daughter and she’s been living with me ever since.(Oct 28th,2020) a week later it’s our daughter birthday and her mom wishes her such a loveless birthday. “Happy Birthday” the ex is one of the happiest, jolliest, prettiest, smartest hard working people I’ve ever met. She’s gorgeous andeveryone loves her. They say she’s too nice. But if they only knew how she is behind closed doors. Completeopposite, she’ll eat us alive. She messaged me on our daughters birthday saying that she changed the house lock becuse she doesn’t trust our daughter there alone. Great now our daughter waits in the complex clubs houses restroom until I can pick her up after work. She’s in there 4 hours!!!
 

Hopefully someone ...can give me some insight on our situation or just advance in general.

I think unfortunately you married and had a kid with someone who is either a sociopath or has a personality disorder. The drug addiction suggestion is a real possibility as well. There are also people who, for whatever reason, just "turn". I've seen it with someone I know, and occasionally we get posts like that here. There's not much you can do, unfortunately.

I agree with the advice to get a lawyer, keep records, etc. Suggest you don't try to antagonize her (until AFTER settlements, at least) as they can get quite expensive, particularly in an urban area. Perhaps she will be so interested in freedom, etc, that she'll just settle for a decent deal for you. She has you at a disadvantage, unfortunately.

If your daughter is almost 18 anyhow, maybe visitation isn't that big a deal. Not something to waste gobs of money on. Be cautious with lawyers, my belief is some of them find ways to antagonize the two divorcees, so they are more willing to spend money on a court battle. Heading to negotiation as quickly as possible is generally the best bang for your buck IMO.

You seem like a decent guy. Sorry this happened to you...

[McPuff]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I think unfortunately you married and had a kid with someone who is either a sociopath or has a personality disorder. The drug addiction suggestion is a real possibility as well. There are also people who, for whatever reason, just "turn". I've seen it with someone I know, and occasionally we get posts like that here. There's not much you can do, unfortunately.

I agree with the advice to get a lawyer, keep records, etc. Suggest you don't try to antagonize her (until AFTER settlements, at least) as they can get quite expensive, particularly in an urban area. Perhaps she will be so interested in freedom, etc, that she'll just settle for a decent deal for you. She has you at a disadvantage, unfortunately.

If your daughter is almost 18 anyhow, maybe visitation isn't that big a deal. Not something to waste gobs of money on. Be cautious with lawyers, my belief is some of them find ways to antagonize the two divorcees, so they are more willing to spend money on a court battle. Heading to negotiation as quickly as possible is generally the best bang for your buck IMO.

You seem like a decent guy. Sorry this happened to you...

We never married. But I do feel like she has something going on mentally, as a parent I can't see how you just dump your kid with someone and not want to see them or even reach to them. She's an RN Nurse so doing drugs would be hard since they get tested, but it's not impossible. I've blocked her and my daughter ignores the very few times she's decide to message. Very simple " how is it at your dads" no "I miss you or I'm sorry"

I blocked her to cool down, because watching my daughter cry herself to sleep over and over again just gets to me and I snapped and told her off. So I don't want to make that mistake again, so she's blocked.

My daughter just turned 13, but I know her mom can decide to try taking her back some day. I have so many texts about her saying nasty things about our daughter, like " f her" I can't stand her fing face. I don't care if she sleeps on the streets with you. get her out of my face! so just building up a case against her. I know she'll try to play the victim card if we went to court, but I have proof and my daughter even talked to a school counselor,  so something a little more concrete that we could also use against her. Thank you for your advice. it's super stressful, being stuck here not being able to go out much because of covid, and family is too far. We take it day by day, hoping with everyday behind us we come a little closer to healing.

Thank you, I'm doing what I can here, it has definitely been a life changer.

[mark clemson]

Yikes. Although you having those texts is positive, it's absolutely a shame this is happening at all.  Make some backup copies JIC you lose your phone or similar.

GL.

[Crazelnut]

You really must get a lawyer! You need to protect yourself and your daughter. Even something as simple as your lease could become a big issue. Your name is on the lease, so you could be held 100%responsible for all of the rent and any damages if she trashes the place. 

[Milly May June]

Wow, yeah, it sounds like she has narcessist tendancies. Its all about her and what others can do for her. The entitlment and playing victim. And what horrible things to say about her own child. What ever you do do not show those messages to your DD. Keep them some where safe like on a usb stick. There is no exuse for such behaviour. And so what if she got pregnant at 19 and did not have that party phase of her life? Its no exuse for the destruktion she has caused and for abandoning her child. 

Seek legal advice to sort out custedy and childcare. Get yourself off the rental lease and other bindning documents you jointly share. Get some professional help to process this and move on with your life. Rely on your family and friends for support.

You are young and there are good women out there. 

 

[McPuff]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yikes. Although you having those texts is positive, it's absolutely a shame this is happening at all.  Make some backup copies JIC you lose your phone or similar.

GL.

I've thought of that, and moved it to email for better tracking and obviously in case I lose my phone. Thank you Mark.

[McPuff]

8 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

You really must get a lawyer! You need to protect yourself and your daughter. Even something as simple as your lease could become a big issue. Your name is on the lease, so you could be held 100%responsible for all of the rent and any damages if she trashes the place. 

You're right, the lease is almost un in Feb. I'll talk to the land lord to have my name removed. The ex wants to buy the unit that she's staying in, asked many times if she could purchase it, but you never know. One day she could end up trashing the place.

[McPuff]

7 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Wow, yeah, it sounds like she has narcessist tendancies. Its all about her and what others can do for her. The entitlment and playing victim. And what horrible things to say about her own child. What ever you do do not show those messages to your DD. Keep them some where safe like on a usb stick. There is no exuse for such behaviour. And so what if she got pregnant at 19 and did not have that party phase of her life? Its no exuse for the destruktion she has caused and for abandoning her child. 

Seek legal advice to sort out custedy and childcare. Get yourself off the rental lease and other bindning documents you jointly share. Get some professional help to process this and move on with your life. Rely on your family and friends for support.

You are young and there are good women out there. 

 

it is always about her. The more I read up on it the more I think she really is a narcissist. She only acts this way with us, so no one would ever believe us, I'm sure even if I showed them the text messages it wouldn't be enough. I agree I cannot believe she would turn 180 and become a different person towards our daughter. So I'm to believe that maybe she does have narcissistic tendencies. For ex. our daughter always wanted to have 1-1 time, go have lunch maybe the movies. She called it date night, we did it one time and ever since she wanted us to do it again. I couldn't help but feel that her mom was a bit jealous since I didn't take her out much. BUT that was her fault, I wanted nothing more then to spend alone time with her. I dropped off my daughter with my mom over the weekend, and suggested many times to have our daughter spend the weekend with her parents. She would always agree and get so excited and a day before she would always change her mind and say she didn't want to leave our daughter out, she wanted us to do things as a family. We had so many chances to do things a couple and shed last minute turn it down to do something as a family. Only to try and have us cancel our daughter and dad time. we would do it while she was on call for work and was out working. purposely she would call and ask what we were doing, she knew we had planned a date night and she would seemed excited for us, but somehow always managed to squeeze her way into it. Which is fine, I loved doing things as family. my daughter and I spent sooooo much time together Im sure the ex started to feel left out. Even though we would ALWAYS include her. I get that she doesn't like every single thing that we do, but we would try doing things she liked and have her suggest things for us to do, and nothing. She would stay home watching romantic movies all alone, prob where she got some ideas from. She wouldn't come to family functions, she really distant herself. So much so that she didn't really care to go watch our daughter play sports, it became an chore to her. Over the summer she revealed to our daughter that why would she want to go and see someone that in other words sucks, its embarrassing. Her moms attitude is what's embarrassing. I swear with everything that's happened to us throughout our relationship I could easily write a Best Seller Series.

[usa1ah]

You need to talk with a lawyer ASAP. She should not have been able to throw you out like she did. You should have never left. 
 

Do not call CPS unless your lawyer instructs you to do so. 
 

Let your lawyer know that your wife has kicked the both of you out and changed the locks.