Is He Emotionally Unavailable? or Did My Self Esteem Ruin the Relationship

[snowqueen_1]

Hi guys, this is my first post. I just need some reassurance/coping after a breakup (8 months) [24yo].

So I started dating a guy in Jan, I was super intimidated by him bc he was so handsome and kept convincing myself there was no way he was into me, even when he said he was. I was taking things slow. Thinking this low-self esteem hurt the relationship.

However, he never went out of his way to show he cared after the honeymoon stage, at least in a way that was affectionate to me. He would kiss me once goodnight while leaving, & we would eat dinner on his porch, and that was it. He never showed any other emotional or physical affection (compliments, touching, hugging, emotions) throughout the 8 months of relationship, besides short comments or goodbyes. I kept constantly asking if he still liked me and he insisted he did. Usually the guy in my relationships initiates so I was pretty confused and felt alone.

Therefore, this dragged my self esteem down further. This hindered my ability to communicate with him, or question the relationship for many months. I truly felt alone. I'd tried to touch him more in beginning, or plan dates out, but was too shy so I stopped.

I was eventually simply fully unable to communicate with him bc I was so sad. Eventually he noticed my withdrawal, and he broke up with me, stating we weren't getting any closer.

I have had good/healthy relationships in the past, this is the first one where the guy has intimidated me to the point I was unable to function? Usually I am good at affection/touching my partner's face/emotions but just couldn't do it. I'm just really not sure what to do. I've been in tears for weeks. Any advice is appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Was this a friendship or a romantic relationship?

It's unclear why it never went past dinner and a good night kiss.

How did you meet? How old is he?

[Calmandfocused]

Are you saying that you did not have sexual relations with this man for the entire 8 months? 
 

Snow, I know you’re upset and I’m really sorry to tell you but this wasn’t a proper relationship. At worst this was an acquaintanceship and at best it was a friendship. However the point is that the emotional, mental and physical connection has never been there between you. 
 

He’s right in the sense that nothing was developing between you. Instead of getting closer, you were drifting apart. 
 

You may not see it right now but he’s done you a massive favour. You couldn’t have carried on like you were. 
 

 

 

 

[snowqueen_1]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Was this a friendship or a romantic relationship?

It's unclear why it never went past dinner and a good night kiss.

How did you meet? How old is he?

Hey! It was a romantic relationship. 24F/25M.

Very odd, I agree! 

[snowqueen_1]

49 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Are you saying that you did not have sexual relations with this man for the entire 8 months? 
 

Snow, I know you’re upset and I’m really sorry to tell you but this wasn’t a proper relationship. At worst this was an acquaintanceship and at best it was a friendship. However the point is that the emotional, mental and physical connection has never been there between you. 
 

He’s right in the sense that nothing was developing between you. Instead of getting closer, you were drifting apart. 
 

You may not see it right now but he’s done you a massive favour. You couldn’t have carried on like you were. 

Hey! We did have sexual relations. Would just cuddle on the couch & watch TV, sleep together, and that's it. He tried to pull a few moves towards the end romantically but it was too late. 

Thank you so much for this, and I totally agree. This is the first time something has been so strange.  

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, snowqueen_1 said:

I kept constantly asking if he still liked me and he insisted he did. 

It sounds like this relationship never would have worked because you BOTH have issues and were not compatible at all.  On your part: Insecurity, low self-esteem and constantly asking the person if they still like you is enough to drive anyone away and destroy a relationship.  You need to get into therapy to work on these issues.

I don't know how you stayed with a person for 8 months who didn't show you any physical affection outside of sexual relations... no touching, no hugging?  He's either a cold, emotionally unavailable person, or just wasn't that into you.

[Versacehottie]

Shy Violet said it as well, but I think BOTH things contributed to the end of your relationship.  I hope you get a chance to work on the things that came from your end and that you can control/change on the next one.  Good luck

[smackie9]

It wasn't you it WAS HIM! Take a step back, and take a good look at this better.

You are not insecure, you were only reacting to this cold fish. Attractive people can have boring, unresponsive personalities. Maybe he's so used to women pawing all over him, without him putting in any effort or reciprocation. Instead of spending 8 months questioning your self esteem/self worth over this emotionally unavailable guy, you should have dumped him as soon as he started to waffle and told him that there is no progression/chemistry. Next time don't look at yourself as the cause, look at THEM!

Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You had tunnel vision...good looking doesn't always=good relationship.

Edited December 9, 2020 by smackie9

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, snowqueen_1 said:

Hey! We did have sexual relations. Would just cuddle on the couch & watch TV, sleep together, and that's it. He tried to pull a few moves towards the end romantically but it was too late.

I feel as though I am missing something.  You had sex, you cuddled...  this seems like standard fare for a r/s, especially during covid, when most of us are confined to our homes.

Did you see each other regularly? Who initiated the dates? 

[snowqueen_1]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I feel as though I am missing something.  You had sex, you cuddled...  this seems like standard fare for a r/s, especially during covid, when most of us are confined to our homes.

Did you see each other regularly? Who initiated the dates? 

I totally agree with this! Yes definitely standard in covid. And yes we saw each other regularly but couldn’t do much outside of covid (50/50 on dates). I guess it just never got beyond a surface level? Like that’s all he was content with and he consistently said he was happy, whereas I guess I wanted a much deeper level of emotional connection, etc.
 

 Guess I answered my own question lol....
 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, snowqueen_1 said:

Hey! We did have sexual relations. Would just cuddle on the couch & watch TV, sleep together, and that's it. He tried to pull a few moves towards the end romantically but it was too late. 

I feel like I'm missing something too. The two bolded comments contradict.

"Just" cuddling on couch, watching TV and sleeping together does not fall under the category of "sexual relations."

What do you mean he tried to pull a few moves on you romantically but it was too late?   By "moves" I assume you mean sexually?  Or do you mean simply kissing?

Why was it too late?   Didn't you say he broke up with you?  

Your posts are confusing.  This sounds more like a friendship than romantic involvement.

In any event, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, all the best moving forward.

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

Agreed that i'm confused too.  Did you say you wanted a deeper connection?  Yet that is also the reason he broke up with you (or something to the effect).  

even with the confusion, based on what i'm extracting from it, my thought is that you BOTH could have done better in this relationship.

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, snowqueen_1 said:

I totally agree with this! Yes definitely standard in covid. And yes we saw each other regularly but couldn’t do much outside of covid (50/50 on dates). I guess it just never got beyond a surface level? Like that’s all he was content with and he consistently said he was happy, whereas I guess I wanted a much deeper level of emotional connection, etc.
 

 Guess I answered my own question lol....
 

So the two of you

• had sex
• spent evenings in, cuddling on the couch
• saw each other frequently
• spent 8 months in a relationship

At the same time, he

• Said he liked you (repeatedly, since you kept asking, as per your OP)
• Apparently planned most dates (since you say you did not)
• Broke up with you because you weren't getting closer

Is that right?

What was missing? 

It's hard to say that the problem was his emotional unavailability based on what you've provided.  Not saying this isn't a possibility but I feel as though we are missing some details.

 

[poppyfields]

I'm not convinced they had sex or even if they kissed!   OP said he tried to "pull a few moves" on her romantically towards the end but it was too late.

OP can you clarify? Super confused.

If there was no sex, no kissing and all you did was "just cuddle on couch, watch tv and sleep" this was not a romantic relationship let alone a sexual one.

If I've interpreted your posts correctly, it's no wonder he ended it.  Most men need more than cuddling on couch and watching tv.

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[lurker74]

34 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It wasn't you it WAS HIM! Take a step back, and take a good look at this better.

Not sure I agree, @smackie9, I think it was both of them. It honestly sounds like she was every bit as emotionally unavailable as him. Men get a rap for being emotionally unavailable, which is often justified, but it appears that both parties were failing to connect. @snowqueen_1, it is entirely possible that he read your attitude as indifference. I am sure it was not but that doesn't mean he didn't read it that way, therefore pulling away hoping you'd follow. But you then pulled further away. That is not an uncommon cause of relationship failures.

Now, this will be controversial, but one way for a couple experiencing this to deal with it is more frequent sex. Sex - or more specifically - physical intimacy causes both parties to feel connected and turn toward each other. But it sounds like you didn't have that, causing you both to rely on communication, which was not stellar to say the least.

So did your self esteem ruin it? No. A good communicator can overcome that. But it likely contributed. And to be clear, his pulling away was at least as much of an explanation as your lack of self esteem. It sounds like you were simply not a good match.

[snowqueen_1]

36 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It wasn't you it WAS HIM! Take a step back, and take a good look at this better.

You are not insecure, you were only reacting to this cold fish. Attractive people can have boring, unresponsive personalities. Maybe he's so used to women pawing all over him, without him putting in any effort or reciprocation. Instead of spending 8 months questioning your self esteem/self worth over this emotionally unavailable guy, you should have dumped him as soon as he started to waffle and told him that there is no progression/chemistry. Next time don't look at yourself as the cause, look at THEM!

Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You had tunnel vision...good looking doesn't always=good relationship.

This is it!!! This is the comment.Thank you so much!!! 

This is only my 2nd relationship. I know now in the future!!! Thank you so much. I completely agree that he had a boring, unresponsive personality. You couldn't have put things better. 

Thank you, going to be bolder and more aggressive in future with me choices. He treated me the opposite of what I wanted to be treated. I really appreciate this comment❤️. @smackie9 

[smackie9]

That's great to hear! and you are so welcome. I wish you all the best going forward  

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

Not sure I agree, @smackie9, I think it was both of them. It honestly sounds like she was every bit as emotionally unavailable as him. Men get a rap for being emotionally unavailable, which is often justified, but it appears that both parties were failing to connect. @snowqueen_1, it is entirely possible that he read your attitude as indifference. I am sure it was not but that doesn't mean he didn't read it that way, therefore pulling away hoping you'd follow. But you then pulled further away. That is not an uncommon cause of relationship failures.

Now, this will be controversial, but one way for a couple experiencing this to deal with it is more frequent sex. Sex - or more specifically - physical intimacy causes both parties to feel connected and turn toward each other. But it sounds like you didn't have that, causing you both to rely on communication, which was not stellar to say the least.

So did your self esteem ruin it? No. A good communicator can overcome that. But it likely contributed. And to be clear, his pulling away was at least as much of an explanation as your lack of self esteem. It sounds like you were simply not a good match.

I'm inclined to go with this^^.   It was both of you "together" that broke this down, or why it never got off the ground in the first place. 

Lacking physical, emotional and sexual intimacy.  Not just from him, you as well.  Both of you.

Although to me, it sounds like he did try.

@snowqueenif you would respond to my and Versacehotti's posts it would be appreciated.

 

 

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

I agree with the others who say it was a mutual thing - A relationship takes two, I wouldn't put it all off on him. I don't think either of you are villains here, you just weren't connecting. 

You say this is the first relationship where you felt this way (insecure/intimidated).  I think that was a clear sign you weren't compatible.  If you feel like you have to hold back affection or constantly question the other person's feelings, it's a mismatch.  If those things don't change within the first month or so it's time to let it go.   

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, snowqueen_1 said:

This is it!!! This is the comment.Thank you so much!!! 

This is only my 2nd relationship. I know now in the future!!! Thank you so much. I completely agree that he had a boring, unresponsive personality. You couldn't have put things better. 

Thank you, going to be bolder and more aggressive in future with me choices. He treated me the opposite of what I wanted to be treated. I really appreciate this comment❤️. @smackie9 

Right.  The one post that justifies YOU not owning your part in why the relationship or friendship or whatever it was broke down.

@snowqueen_1I know this is only your second relationship but if you want to succeed going forward, it's wise to look within and own your role in why a relationship broke down or never took off.

It takes two.

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

12 hours ago, snowqueen_1 said:

 He would kiss me once goodnight while leaving, & we would eat dinner on his porch, and that was it. He never showed any other emotional or physical affection (compliments, touching, hugging, emotions)

Oh no... no way I’d date someone like that 

[lana-banana]

In a healthy relationship, you never ever have to wonder if the other person is into you. If you're a sensitive person (and it sounds like you are), you pick up the other person's interest level very quickly. You could tell that this guy wasn't all that interested, which made you insecure. This is not about your self-esteem problems; it's impossible to feel good about a relationship if you sense you aren't on the same page. I'm so sorry---all of us have been there, and it sucks. In the future you need to have greater faith in your gut. If something doesn't feel right, protect yourself and walk.

[Lotsgoingon]

I too and confused about what went on. 

But I'll just say that if you are "intimidated" by someone, then don't date them. You want to admire them, respect their gifts, look up to them about their gifts (not as a person). But if feeling intimidated doesn't go away after two dates, then this person will not work.

Pushing yourself past your anxiety point (into deeper anxiety) just made you insecure. If you think someone is really "better" than you don't date them.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, snowqueen_1 said:

We did have sexual relations. Would just cuddle on the couch & watch TV, sleep together, and that's it.

Yes it's odd. Unfortunately he may have been trying to keep his distance in a more FWB type of thing. 

[JRabbit]

On 12/9/2020 at 11:16 AM, snowqueen_1 said:

Thank you, going to be bolder and more aggressive in future with me choices. He treated me the opposite of what I wanted to be treated. I really appreciate this comment❤️

What were you looking for exactly, just because it is not clear in this post.