Louisef Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 Hey so a few months ago I found out my boyfriend and the father of my baby was messaging his ex behind my back nothing flirty as she’s in a new relationship herself also they were together when they were teens for a few years now they are both adults with babies on the way, I found the messages looked through them and instantly got mad, firstly because he just didn’t tell me and that’s very disrespectful and secondly he was talking about my pregnancy and our daughter to her and thirdly he was making comments like how beautiful and great she is and he’s glad she’s happy, he is a friendly guy so he said he was just being friendly they did stay friends it was nothing to worry about, he told her on the day I gave birth to our daughter that she was born which is extremely weird and unessary because she would of found out through social media, I forgave him for the sake of our daughter and I do really love him he’s always been so good to me throughout our relationship we were only together for a month before we found out we were expecting and I was hard work in the beginning but this still doesn’t make it okay? I’m trying so hard to move on and forget about it for the sake of our little family but I’m struggling as I keep seeing stuff about how it’s cheating and disrespectful and they wouldn’t forgive their man if they did this. I just don’t know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 1 minute ago, Louisef said: messaging his ex behind my back I found the messages looked through them and instantly got mad, firstly because he just didn’t tell me and that’s very disrespectful and secondly he was talking about my pregnancy and our daughter to her I forgave him for the sake of our daughter and I do really love him he’s always been so good to me throughout our relationship we were only together for a month before we found out we were expecting How long have you been together? Do you live together? How did you come across the messages? How long have they been apart? What did your BF say when you confronted him? It's not cheating, but it upsets you and there's a lack of boundaries respect, if he needs to keep it hidden from you. It seems like old friends chitchatting about their families, however the comments about her beauty etc. could imply he's still hung up on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 The thing about cheating is - if it feels like it's cheating, it probably is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisef Posted December 9, 2020 Author Share Posted December 9, 2020 2 years next week, yeah we live together, I had a gut instinct literally that’s all it took me to go through his Instagram messages and found out but he said he would of deleted them if he was cheating or they were in any way dodgy, it was nothing but friendly banter he says but it hurt so bad! I found out a few months ago and we’ve been fine ever since but then every now and then I remember or I see something about quotes on if a man ever did this to me he’d be gone... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 1 minute ago, Louisef said: or I see something about quotes on if a man ever did this to me he’d be gone... Where are you seeing this? You have to evaluate your home, time together, children and overall relationship quality to decide if this is a deal breaker in your case. Does he plan on continuing the chitchat? What would be your deciding point as far as "He'd be gone"? Is he a good father/partner? Do both of you work? Is he generally a loving partner or a skirt chasing horndog? There is a vast difference between inappropriate texting and cheating. Decide what this is and act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 I wouldn't like it. But intellectually an argument can be made that she's just someone from his past that he enjoys keeping in touch with. For some people the friendships/relationships they had as a teenager remain as comfortable and happy memories that are nice to revisit. Especially if he's a friendly guy like you noted. I don't necessarily think him telling her she is beautiful means anything, it depends on whether or not that's in character for him, if he gives compliments freely. The bottom line though is It doesn't matter what other people think or would do in your situation. It's really bothering you, that's what counts. You can't (and shouldn't) rationalize away your gut feelings. Talk to him, tell him how deeply this affects you, that you are struggling with it. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 I can see nothing you wrote as suspect in his actions, He was merely sharing his life with someone he use to care about ,now getting pregnant the first month you met him? That sounds suspect to me...especially in this day and age Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisef Posted December 9, 2020 Author Share Posted December 9, 2020 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Where are you seeing this? You have to evaluate your home, time together, children and overall relationship quality to decide if this is a deal breaker in your case. Does he plan on continuing the chitchat? What would be your deciding point as far as "He'd be gone"? Is he a good father/partner? Do both of you work? Is he generally a loving partner or a skirt chasing horndog? There is a vast difference between inappropriate texting and cheating. Decide what this is and act accordingly. 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Where are you seeing this? You have to evaluate your home, time together, children and overall relationship quality to decide if this is a deal breaker in your case. Does he plan on continuing the chitchat? What would be your deciding point as far as "He'd be gone"? Is he a good father/partner? Do both of you work? Is he generally a loving partner or a skirt chasing horndog? There is a vast difference between inappropriate texting and cheating. Decide what this is and act accordingly. Social media, I asked him to obviously delete her off everything if he doesn’t mind and he has blocked her. He’s an amazing father and boyfriend he’s always supported me like I said we fell pregnant really fast when we barely knew each other and he stuck around. We do yeah, I think it shocked me because he’s always been so good so I sort of knew it was too good to be true. I have forgave him but the memory keeps coming back and he’s apologised several times and just wants me to be happy. I don’t know what I’m looking for I need to either forgive him and move on or leave him and I guess I’m struggling because idk what to do. It was the betrayal and disrespect more then anything. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, ajequals said: I can see nothing you wrote as suspect in his actions, Really? He was secretly texting his ex and calling her beautiful and there is nothing suspect about that??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisef Posted December 9, 2020 Author Share Posted December 9, 2020 Exactly my point! What a rude comment, our daughters the best thing that ever happened to us. Xx Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, Louisef said: he has blocked her. He’s an amazing father and boyfriend he’s always supported me like I said we fell pregnant really fast when we barely knew each other and he stuck around. he’s apologised several times and just wants me to be happy The rest is on you. You need to clear up insecurities that incident brought out. You need to let go sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Louisef said: he has blocked her. He’s an amazing father and boyfriend and he’s apologised several times You forgive him and you move on. He's done nothing compared to the type of betrayal couples do to each other out there. You could have found him on multiple dating sites having sex with multiple women, like I did. Your bf got in touch with an ex, he said a couple of things that were crossing the line, that's all. Put it in perspective, it could be 100% worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Put it in perspective, it could be 100% worse. It may indeed be 100% worse, the next time... That is the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 Talking to an ex does not equal cheating. That is a bit ridiculous. As long as they were only messaging and having a friendly chat, there's no evidence here that he actually cheated, and it would be a bit extreme to end the relationship over this. You have a child in the picture who you have to think about. You have every right to be uncomfortable with him messaging with his ex and to ask him to stop. It sounds like he already has. So that's good. But don't make inaccurate statements like equating that with cheating. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 15 minutes ago, elaine567 said: It may indeed be 100% worse, the next time... That is the problem. Then she'll cross that bridge when she gets there. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 Just don't see anything there that is cheating. He didn't act like you didn't exist, is proud of his daughter, and notified someone that meant a lot to him back in the day. He has agreed to block her. Barely any smoke, and no fire there at all. Drop it. Being excessively jealous will push him away - not 'bring him in line'. Are you jealous about other things? Does he give you any reason to think he's a cheater? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 24 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Talking to an ex does not equal cheating. That is a bit ridiculous. As long as they were only messaging and having a friendly chat, there's no evidence here that he actually cheated, and it would be a bit extreme to end the relationship over this. You have a child in the picture who you have to think about. You have every right to be uncomfortable with him messaging with his ex and to ask him to stop. It sounds like he already has. So that's good. But don't make inaccurate statements like equating that with cheating. This^^. Link to post Share on other sites
ShakeShake Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 No this is not cheating. Overstepping a boundary? Most probably. It's something you need to talk to him about. If you have already and he has already deleted her and apologised and said he would not be in contact any more, that seems like he now understands and is respecting your boundary. Yes you need to either trust him or if you can't, end things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 2 hours ago, Louisef said: I had a gut instinct What alerted your gut? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 He's blocked her. Forget about it and stop letting it poison a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 He's just catching up by the sounds of it. I would give caution if he was telling her things are not going great with you two, and saying things like I shouldn't have let you get away and all that crap. It was just a simple friendly conversation. Sure he paid her a compliment that was a little out reaching, but not what I would call cheating. Yes he should have told you about their chatting, or at least mention it. But to go into a fit of rage over it, come on. If you react like in most cases it's no wonder he didn't say anything to you. This can be cleared up with, a calm honest discussion about boundaries, like "I don't mind if you catch up with your ex, I understand you two have known each other for a long time, but some of those things you said seemed inappropriate to me." "How about being more mindful of what you say like "how beautiful and great she is. How would you like it if I told an ex that he's so handsome and charming!" I'm sure he will see your point, and change how he interacts with his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts