Flatmate acting strange since I announced I'm moving out

[ShiningMoon]

Hi all, 

I have been living with this guy flatmate for the past four years. We moved in at the same time along with a third tenant who left after three years (she never interacted with us).

This guy flatmate and I got along quite well (as in friendly banter, going for drinks on occasion and chit-chatting about various topics all evening). However, after the third tenant moved out and her replacement moved in (a girl) he developed a crush on this new flatmate and distanced himself from me. Fair enough, he liked her, I'm fine with that (there is nothing going on from my side). Worse, he even started gossiping about me with her. I specifically overheard him initiating the conversation about me on various occasions. This replacement and I didn't get along. She ended up moving out after 6 months. By that time, I realized his loyalty was just non-existent and I detached myself from him even thought we'd still chit-chat on various occasions, but he still talks about that girl from time to time. I think he would have preferred for me to move out instead of her. 

Anyway, another tenant moved in to replace his crush and she literally doesn't interact with him at all. 

Fast forward, I announced on Tuesday last week that I'm moving out. I didn't explain the reasons, but primarily related to the fact that I feel he betrayed me when he gossiped with the previous third tenant (his "crush") and I'm not too fond of the new tenant. He didn't ask me a single question as to where I'm going or why I'm leaving or even when I'm due to leave. He just said I need to discuss it with the landlord. He did ask the two previous girls a few questions when they announced they were moving out, but didn't ask me any. I reiterated the topic again on Sunday as I needed him to post the ad to look for a replacement, he asked one question which was whether I was moving in with someone or another house share. I simply said it's a one-bedroom. He didn't ask further questions about the area etc.. Anyway, he's usually quite response on WhatsApp or via email if something comes up. For the last few days, he's been unresponsive to my messages. He didn't post the apartment ad after I had requested it, so I ended up doing it myself and he's just removed himself altogether. When we were stuck looking for a new tenant after his crush moved out, he was very hands on. This time around, he couldn't care less. I asked him to put the ad twice and he's done nothing. I'm now having to manage the whole process and the third tenant says she's too busy "studying" to be able to conduct viewings yet instructed she wants girls only. 

He gets home late (around 11pm) and when he's home at 8pm these days, he's already drunk & I'm not about to have a serious conversation with an intoxicated individual.

What's going on here? To be honest, I just feel like packing my stuff and leaving them high and dry. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by ShiningMoon

[basil67]

The reason he didn't ask you questions about why you were moving out because you already told him your reason.  And given that your reason was a criticism of him, I can see why he would choose to not engage with you further.

It's not your job to look for a new flatmate.  If your name is one the lease, then you'll have to terminate the lease.  Let the other tenants renegotiate their own lease and any future flatmates.    If you're name isn't on the lease, give the amount of notice which is standard and simply move out at the end of that term.  

[ShiningMoon]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The reason he didn't ask you questions about why you were moving out because you already told him your reason.  And given that your reason was a criticism of him, I can see why he would choose to not engage with you further.

It's not your job to look for a new flatmate.  If your name is one the lease, then you'll have to terminate the lease.  Let the other tenants renegotiate their own lease and any future flatmates.    If you're name isn't on the lease, give the amount of notice which is standard and simply move out at the end of that term.  

I never told him my reasons, nope. I think you misread/misunderstood.

He doesn't know I got offended or felt betrayed. These reasons I'm expressing on the forum, but he never got a single hint of that obviously. As I said, we kept chatting away although I detached from him a bit (meaning, I disclosed less personal information), but we still had friendly vibes etc.. I never told him anything about being hurt or offended, acted as normal in general. If I had told him my reasons, I obviously wouldn't have posted on here.

It's specifically written in the OP: " I didn't explain the reasons, but primarily related to the fact that I feel he betrayed me when he gossiped with the previous third tenant (his "crush") and I'm not too fond of the new tenant."

We have separate leases and it is specified on my lease that I need to find a replacement, otherwise I will lose my deposit. I'm simply following lease instructions, but getting no support from either parties. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by ShiningMoon

[basil67]

Sorry, I misread your words.  My mistake.  

I guess that all you can do is find a new flatmate - any flatmate - as per the lease agreement.   If the others aren't interested in vetting the new flatmate, just choose the first reasonable one you talk with.  

[Wiseman2]

You don't have to explain anything.

All you need to do is give appropriate notice and sever financial ties, change your address and be careful and prompt on moving day.

Make sure you did not co-own anything and that what you take with you is yours.

It doesn't matter how they are acting, make sure your lease is paid up and you are released from it.

Thier job is to find a new roommate,yours is to leave the place as you found it. And sort out security, financial arrangements with the landlord and the roommates.

The only people you have to answer to are the landlord, your new landlord, the people who are helping you move out, etc.

[ShiningMoon]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to explain anything.

All you need to do is give appropriate notice and sever financial ties, change your address and be careful and prompt on moving day.

Make sure you did not co-own anything and that what you take with you is yours.

It doesn't matter how they are acting, make sure your lease is paid up and you are released from it.

Thier job is to find a new roommate,yours is to leave the place as you found it. And sort out security, financial arrangements with the landlord and the roommates.

The only people you have to answer to are the landlord, your new landlord, the people who are helping you move out, etc.

It is unfortunately stipulated in my lease that the leaving tenant has to find a replacement otherwise their deposit is lost. In addition, any replacement needs to be approved by the remaining tenants. 

I therefore have the burden to seek a replacement when neither is cooperating, especially not the male.  

If the situation doesn't get better within the next week or so, I will have to escalate to the agent who will have to manage with them. I can organize viewings, but if I'm met with one who doesn't respond to texts/emails, another who says she's too busy to attend viewings and only wants a female as a replacement. It will take 3 months before we find someone. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

This is such a messy situation, reminds me of what I went through when I used to live with multiple people. Have you at least found a good new place you are interested? Is it in the same city or area? Is it with several people again? I feel like I'm asking more questions than your "friend". 

[JTSW]

He doesn't deserve your explanations. 

All you can do is find a replacement, give your required notice and move to your new place.

Dont waste your time worrying about him.

[ShiningMoon]

Thanks all. 

Yes, I found a new place of my own (no roommates) and have already started moving in. 

He has been acting strange and decided to complete delegate the co-tenant approval to the other roommate. However, the other roommate is a piece of work. She set forth unrealistic criteria based on nationality, race, gender, age. Then, when I brought people who fit her criteria, she still managed to find an issue with them. For instance, a girl arrived late because she couldn't find the neighborhood (in all fairness, it doesn't show up on Google Maps at all) and my roommate said: "she seems unreliable". Then I brought another professional guy who fit the criteria and he asked if he could bring his girlfriend over once a week, she paused and say "yes, that shouldn't be a problem".  After he left, she told me she wasn't sure about him because people from his country tend to be party people when he had already said he doesn't throw parties (he seemed serious and calm). I quickly gathered she doesn't want him to bring his girlfriend over once a week, when she has been bringing her boyfriend over twice a week during lockdown unannounced each time. It had nothing to do with nationality. 

We had about 10 viewings and she rejected them all. In all fairness, a few said they truly liked the apartment, but weren't interested in moving forward. I assume it has something to do with her attendance at these viewings as she sounds controlling and already set a few rules by addressing the potential tenants as follows:

- I want a calm house because I have things to do like studying and working

- I want a cleaner to make sure everything is neat or alternatively, you need to assist me with the cleaning

She'd walk into the living area during the viewing, not introduce herself or anything and ask: "So are you interested" right away without even attempting at getting to know the person. Worst sales/people skills I have ever encountered in my life for sure. 

She doesn't realize it's not just her apartment. There's another tenant and the third tenant will have rights as well. I have a feeling those who rejected the place (which is amazing and good value for the price), did it because they didn't like her. She has poor people skills and this is part of the reason why I'm moving out. She thinks the world revolves around her. Then she started asking me whether I really need to move in January. She pushed me out of the door with her behavior and still thinks I'm going to stay paying rent until she takes her sweet time to nit-pick on every applicant. I've already given my notice to the agent, I'll give her another week, if nothing comes out of it, I'm handing over the process to the agent. 

Edited December 14, 2020 by ShiningMoon

[TheEternalPessimist]

To be honest, after you move out (and you are already in the process of doing so) this will be none of your concern. You have already managed to find a place with no roommates so you won't have to deal with any of these issues in the future. I do wonder if your male roommate will ever at the very least wish you success and good luck going forward.

[ShiningMoon]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

To be honest, after you move out (and you are already in the process of doing so) this will be none of your concern. You have already managed to find a place with no roommates so you won't have to deal with any of these issues in the future. I do wonder if your male roommate will ever at the very least wish you success and good luck going forward.

I don't think he will and to be quite fair, I don't care. He didn't want to stand up to the previous tenant when she was throwing parties during the lockdown, he gossiped about me with her and he doesn't want to get involved in the new tenant search when the other co-tenant is making it difficult. I don't need his wishes. I simply want to wash my hands of off this situation with as little financial hassle as possible.

On the contrary, last time I spoke to him he acted rather condescending. He was asking me about whether or not I checked the BER (Energy Certificate) of my new apartment when a week prior, I had asked him about the BER of our current apartment to post the ad and he said he didn't know what I was talking about. Nonsense. 

[Wiseman2]

Use a realtor if they are jerking you around and you're reponsible for the lease until you find a replacement.

Stop talking to them or asking for their help. Communicate with the landlord about technicalities.

Why are you letting them run the show? It's your decision to vacate.

The more emotionally involved you are the more draining it will be. 

Roommates and leases are business arrangements. Treat it as such, not a breakup or catfight.

[TheEternalPessimist]

22 minutes ago, ShiningMoon said:

I don't think he will and to be quite fair, I don't care. He didn't want to stand up to the previous tenant when she was throwing parties during the lockdown, he gossiped about me with her and he doesn't want to get involved in the new tenant search when the other co-tenant is making it difficult. I don't need his wishes. I simply want to wash my hands of off this situation with as little financial hassle as possible.

On the contrary, last time I spoke to him he acted rather condescending. He was asking me about whether or not I checked the BER (Energy Certificate) of my new apartment when a week prior, I had asked him about the BER of our current apartment to post the ad and he said he didn't know what I was talking about. Nonsense. 

What exactly did he gossip with her about? It seems weird that he would be all friendly with you earlier in your living relationship and then do a 360 degree later when circumstances changed. It's as if he was frustrated about something he couldn't get. 

[ShiningMoon]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

What exactly did he gossip with her about? It seems weird that he would be all friendly with you earlier in your living relationship and then do a 360 degree later when circumstances changed. It's as if he was frustrated about something he couldn't get. 

I think he was trying to appeal to her because he fancied her and took advantage of the fact she and I didn't get along. He still talks about her to this day. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 years is a lot of time to get along with someone and especially to get to know someone, seems unusual that he would flip the switch on you just because he fancied that one roommate. I don't know how old you are but gossiping about someone you live with to another roommate sounds like something I would have done when I was like 18-19..

[Wiseman2]

Step out of the catfights and jealousy. Focus on your vacating the apt.

[ShiningMoon]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step out of the catfights and jealousy. Focus on your vacating the apt.

There's no catfights or jealousy. That girl is long gone. 

[MsJayne]

I haven't read everyone's responses so I apologise if someone's already said this, but if both other flatmates aren't showing any interest in your replacement, don't worry about it, just find someone, anyone, and move out.  Where does Miss Studyhard get off dictating who you can let your room to if she can't be bothered finding time to interview people? As for Mr Two-Faced, I'd give him short shrift as well. Rent your room to the first person who shows up and then move out and try to recover from the horror that is sharing a rental with other people.