New to Forum, at a crossroads

[Maveth]

FML,

I have these pictures of all of these touching moments and interactions with her, am I supposed to believe they were all lies, or just to pretend they mean nothing now?

As our kids grew into their teens I encouraged her to go back to school like she had always talked about doing and get her license in healthcare. When she failed out and was self destructive over the disappointment I built her back up and encouraged her to try again. She chose a different field and succeeded. In the meantime my career desk job of 20 years came to a crashing halt as the company I worked for was bought out and I was laid off with no severance and no education. Our children were still in high school or getting married locally and settling down so I turned down job offers that would move us away from the area for the sake of staying close to our children and grandchildren. I took manual labor jobs making minimum wage that destroyed physical health in order to make ends meet. She started hanging out with a female friend and I was glad for it, as she hadn't really made any close friends since we moved to NC for my promotion back in 2006. She started working as a waitress to help make ends meet while she looked for a job that she could utilize her license at. And then I caught her "attempting" to cheat. I confronted her, she swore it was the first and only time and that she had actually already decided to break off the situation and focus on her marriage with me. She started going to counseling, but balked at couples counseling. I focused on trying to be a good husband from an emotional, romantic, and providing standpoint. I had always been the romantic in the relationship, and she had always said  it made her uncomfortable. We eventually lost our home due to foreclosure, and had to move into a much smaller home. I could tell she resented me for that. She found a job at a nursing home that she could use her license at. I was happy for her. The friction between us continued to grow. Now she was openly hostile to me regularly. And she had started drinking, a lot. If she was home, she was intoxicated.  One day I heard her talking to a friend on the phone about another boyfriend she had had. I confronted her over it. She told me that she had lots of people better than me, with larger members, and that I had never satisfied her in the last 30 years of our marriage. Our marriage just went cold after that. I would sit at the computer and play video games, and she would drink in the next room. I would make attempts to go and talk, but they always ended the same. Counseling was out of the question because they always sided with me, and she was unhappy being married to me. She wished I would just leave.\

November of 2019 I told her I would honor her request and move out in February of 2020. I had found a place that would let me move in then. I would work to make sure all the bills were caught up and then all she would need to do is maintain them. But based on her wishes, we were over. I cried a lot that night. She just laughed at me and drank herself to sleep in front of the tv. 

We didn't talk much at all except during the Christmas family gathering, but all of our children knew I was moving out in February. Everyone knew. Come mid January, I started packing for the move, I was leaving most of the things for her anyway, and she asked me what I was doing. I reminded her I was moving out in a month, and she went nuts. Again started calling me names, accusing me of abandoning her, telling me that it was find because she could find any number of other men, etc. Then, in mid February I moved out.

My hope, I guess, was that she would sober up, discover that what we had was really great, and that she wanted to try to make things work. Over the course of this last year, we have "dated" each other while separated, but things went south until this last time. She had cut down on the amount of booze she was drinking dramatically, and we were actually having some decent conversations with each other. But I ruined it this time. She changed her tune and now claims that she only ever slept with one other man, and that it was a mistake. But she infers it is with someone I know, and refuses to tell me who it was. I couldn't handle that, so I put the stops to us seeing each other until she could come clean with me about it. I need to know who would betray my trust like that.

It has now been about 2 months since we stopped seeing each other, and we talked on the phone last night, and she matter of factually stated that she believes "we are both happier living separate, she isn't interested in being married, and she is not going to be sleeping with me again. So we need to move forward with the Divorce in February."

So now what do I do? I have screwed everything up. I know this is long, and rambling, but I needed to get it out. And I am lost.

[DKT3]

She's a bad apple.  I know it doesn't seem like it right at this moment,  but your life just improved 20 fold.

[mark clemson]

Ditto that. You may have made your share of mistakes, but she's the one who detached from you and turned to booze and so forth.

[spiritedaway2003]

It must be difficult to go through what you are going through, especially since it’s a long marriage.  Keep in mind that longevity of a relationship does not mean that it was a good or healthy relationship.  

She needs to figure out what she wants in her life before attempting to fix anything with you.  In time, you may both see that your moving out might be the best thing to have happened.  She can’t pin the blame on you for all the things that aren’t working out In her life. She can also take a good look at her choices. From your own account, it sounds like she had checked out of the marriage. You can’t fix a marriage alone.

As an aside, I’d also add that it’s no longer your concern or rights to know who she was with now that you are both separated.  It only matters if you were planning to reconcile.  Your desire to know is irrelevant once the decision to move forward with the divorce is made. That would be an issue if you BOTH decide to attempt to reconcile in the future. You can cross that bridge if and when you get to it.

Edited December 10, 2020 by spiritedaway2003
Typo

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Maveth said:

. .   . So we need to move forward with the Divorce in February."

So now what do I do?

Excellent. Get the best attorney you can and get the preparation for divorce going.

For your emotional side get some expert advice from a qualified therapist to help you navigate the divorce.

Divorce is the best option. Kids are grown. Intimacy is dead. Finances in shambles,etc.

Focus on friends and family support and getting your employment situation improved.

Edited December 10, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry you are here, and in the situation you are in  But as already said above... just prepare for the divorce.  Unfortunately... with a wife as hostel as yours... be ready for it to get worse. (emotionally)  You need a good friend, or family member who will be honest, and not sugar coat things for you... but will be there to listen anytime you need to talk.  Also... let yourself cry when you feel it. I felt like an idiot sometimes... but it is cleansing. 

I understand about your opening line... about the pictures, and was it all a lie.   I actually confronted my exW about that... and she basically told me yes... the 20 years we were together was a lie, and she should have never married me.  It was crushing... but to be honest... unless you want to hear something nasty from her... just drop the "Needing to know" part.  Honestly, all you need to know is it's over, and you will be happier eventually. But that healing will take time.  

I wish you happiness moving forward. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[alphamale]

Dude you’re screwed...to avoid getting shafted make sure you have very good divorce attorney.

[alphamale]

Oh yea and stop being nice guy

[trident_2020]

You NEVER should have moved out.

Get back in that house ASAP.

 

[ctdans]

I don't see how "you" screwed up.  She cheated, says she hurtful  things that are probably true but she blames the drinking.  She likes being single.  The divorce should help cut some of her finances and when she finds herself supporting her habits on one income (plus anything court gives) she will find out SHE screwed up.

 

Move on.

[emprosnet7]

On 12/10/2020 at 2:16 PM, Blind-Sided said:

.....

I understand about your opening line... about the pictures, and was it all a lie.   I actually confronted my exW about that... and she basically told me yes... the 20 years we were together was a lie, and she should have never married me.  It was crushing... but to be honest... unless you want to hear something nasty from her... just drop the "Needing to know" part.  Honestly, all you need to know is it's over, and you will be happier eventually. But that healing will take time.  

I wish you happiness moving forward. 

Sorry to post about me in another's post.. about "lost years",  personally out of my 18 years of marriage I consider 16 to be the good years. I haven't confronted my exW about it and I don't think I will. Even if she gave me that answer, to me, we were happy and raised two beautiful kids. That is not wasted time. 

[emprosnet7]

On 12/10/2020 at 12:11 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Get the best attorney you can and get the preparation for divorce going.

For your emotional side get some expert advice from a qualified therapist to help you navigate the divorce.

Divorce is the best option. Kids are grown. Intimacy is dead. Finances in shambles,etc.

Focus on friends and family support and getting your employment situation improved.

I agree 100%

[FMW]

When you get some time and distance from this you will see that getting her out of your life (as anything more than the mother of your children) was the best thing to happen to you.  

Once you stop fighting that it's over you'll start to really process everything that she's said and done and realize there was just no coming back from it.

The ending doesn't negate the entire marriage, so those pictures aren't necessarily lies.  They just aren't the current reality.  That doesn't wipe out the value of the good memories.  In time you'll come to terms with it all.  

Long marriages end all the time, as mentioned above longevity doesn't equal quality.  There were major adjustments and challenging times when my 23 year marriage ended, but 5 years later I'm so much happier and content than I was for most of my marriage.  This isn't an easy transition, but it can certainly lead to much better things for your future.