Anxious because of my size

[JosephineGo05]

I have a bit of a problem that often gives me a kind of social anxiety, which has to do with my size.
I have always been one of the shorter girls among me and my friends, and I have currently been 4'10 for 3 years, and I have heard that I have probably stopped growing, and I am also light, with a weight of about 92 lbs.
And while this isn't really something that I normally have a problem with, it does make me anxious when I am around guys that I don't know - like for example I was recently alone with a guy at the bus stop when I was going to school, and he might have actually been about 6'4 or so, and this made me feel very anxious during that whole time, since it was early in the morning and the bus stop was a bit out of the way.
I tried to stay some distance away from him just to be safe, but I also had to make sure that I didn't miss the bus, so I was basically stuck there with him.
And even though he seemed friendly, I still couldn't help thinking about how easy it would have been for him to just rape me if he wanted to do that - he could have just covered my mouth and carried me inside the nearby forest behind us, no matter how much I had tried to fight back, and maybe even get away with it...!

This is just one example, but this is how I feel whenever I am alone with someone - typically guys, of course, since they will be much more likely to try to take advantage of that in this way.
It makes me feel anxious quite often, since I am often reminded of it, and sometimes it makes me feel very paranoid.
Could you maybe please help me out with this?

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[alphamale]

Well as far as dating goes you’ll have a leg up on your taller sisters. Most men prefer petite girls - mainly cause they are perceived as more feminine and desirable...

[basil67]

For what it's worth, most women could be over powered by a big guy, but most men wouldn't do that and we can't let that fear of it potentially happening dominate our lives.   It's far more likely that the guy at the bus stop would have assisted you had you needed it.     Can I ask if anything has happened in your life which has planted the seed of feeling at risk by a man who is behaving in an nonthreatening manner?

That said, poorly lit or isolated bus stops aren't the safest place to stand around.  Can one of your parents drive you to school if the bus stop is in a particularly risky place?

[JosephineGo05]

15 minutes ago, alphamale said:

Well as far as dating goes you’ll have a leg up on your taller sisters. Most men prefer petite girls - mainly cause they are perceived as more feminine and desirable...

Haha... well I guess that's good.
But it's still very stressful to feel this way on a regular basis.
I will of course not know what a stranger that I meet like this is like as a person, and if I have to be alone with a guy like this then I immediately start worrying about getting raped, since it would be so easy for him to do that to me.
 

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

For what it's worth, most women could be over powered by a big guy, but most men wouldn't do that and we can't let that fear of it potentially happening dominate our lives.   It's far more likely that the guy at the bus stop would have assisted you had you needed it.     Can I ask if anything has happened in your life which has planted the seed of feeling at risk by a man who is behaving in an nonthreatening manner?

That said, poorly lit or isolated bus stops aren't the safest place to stand around.  Can one of your parents drive you to school if the bus stop is in a particularly risky place?

Nothing serious has happened to me yet, thankfully, but I have of course heard about it.
And I know that I am particularly vulnerable, since I am so small, so I guess I am extra aware of this because of that.

My only "defense mechanism" so far has been to avoid provoking guys like this as much as possible, so that I have done things like stepping aside when we are about to enter the same doorway and things like that.
But then again, I do of course realise that most guys are extra gentle with little girls, and most of them seem to want to protect them whenever necessary, and I commend them for that.

I have considered getting a ride to school by someone in my family, but that's not always possible.
But I will try to find a solution to that in some way.

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[alphamale]

3 minutes ago, JosephineGo05 said:

Haha... well I guess that's good.
But it's still very stressful to feel this way on a regular basis.
I will of course not know what a stranger that I meet like this is like as a person, and if I have to be alone with a guy like this then I immediately start worrying about getting raped, since it would be so easy for him to do that to me.

If it makes you feel better buy a gun and get CPL certified. You’ll probably never use it but the fact you have it with you will make you feel more secure...

[JosephineGo05]

3 minutes ago, alphamale said:

If it makes you feel better buy a gun and get CPL certified. You’ll probably never use it but the fact you have it with you will make you feel more secure...

Haha... I will think about it.

But what are the odds for me to physically defend myself if this guy had done something to me?

[basil67]

Probably not much different to the odds of me being able to defend myself....and I'm a foot taller than you.  

[JosephineGo05]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Probably not much different to the odds of me being able to defend myself....and I'm a foot taller than you.  

I sometimes want to tell myself that I would be able to defend myself without equipment, but I always completely lose that confidence when I am alone next to a guy that I don't know like this.

Even my best friend, who is always very supportive of me, has warned me that I would have pretty much zero chance in those situations, and that I would be at a severe physical disadvantage.
I got a bit surprised when she said that, since it sounded harsh, but she pointed out very sincerely that she just said it out of concern for me.
I guess she is right.

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[alphamale]

29 minutes ago, JosephineGo05 said:

Haha... I will think about it.

But what are the odds for me to physically defend myself if this guy had done something to me?

If you take a personal defense course probably 50/50...if you don’t it’s probably close to zero

[JosephineGo05]

Just now, alphamale said:

If you take a personal defense course probably 50/50...if you don’t it’s probably close to zero

If I use self-defense then I guess that I will have to avoid getting grabbed by him?

Because it feels as if I would still have no chance if he managed to get a grab around me and my arms.

[alphamale]

Most women are raped by a relative or friend or acquaintance. Being raped by a stranger is extremely rare!

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, JosephineGo05 said:

I sometimes want to tell myself that I would be able to defend myself without equipment, but I always completely lose that confidence when I am alone next to a guy that I don't know like this.

Even my best friend, who is always very supportive of me, has warned me that I would have pretty much zero chance in those situations, and that I would be at a severe physical disadvantage.
I got a bit surprised when she said that, since it sounded harsh, but she pointed out very sincerely that she just said it out of concern for me.
I guess she is right.

I don't suppose the words of your friend are what started your anxiety?    

It's also my view that a gun (or even capsicum spray) would be high risk in the hands of someone who has severe anxiety.   I worry that your extreme nervousness could put you at risk of being trigger happy.   You could end up on murder or assault charges if your anxiety gets the better of you in a situation where you weren't at risk.

My suggestion is that you see a therapist and learn some coping mechanisms for your fear.

 

[JosephineGo05]

Just now, alphamale said:

Most women are raped by a relative or friend or acquaintance. Being raped by a stranger is extremely rare!

Ah, okay... it's just that there is always the possibility that a stranger like this might still be dangerous, especially in a situation like that when he could probably even do it without getting caught. x-/

I will think about taking a self-defense course some time, that might give me at least some chance to defend myself.

[JosephineGo05]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't suppose the words of your friend are what started your anxiety?    

It's also my view that a gun (or even capsicum spray) would be high risk in the hands of someone who has severe anxiety.   I worry that your extreme nervousness could put you at risk of being trigger happy.   You could end up on murder or assault charges if your anxiety gets the better of you in a situation where you weren't at risk.

My suggestion is that you see a therapist and learn some coping mechanisms for your fear.

 

I had been thinking about this before she said that to me.
She just said it because she didn't want me to be overconfident.

But yes, I should probably talk to a therapist about this.
I just feel a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, but I will definitely think about it.

(Sorry, I double-posted)

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[MsJayne]

How about some self defence classes? Maybe learn a marshall art? These classes not only teach you to hold your own in a physical dust up because size becomes irrelevant, but you will also develop a lot of self-confidence as a by-product. Always make sure you have your 'phone with you, and perhaps call someone in situations where you feel afraid. 

[JosephineGo05]

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

How about some self defence classes? Maybe learn a marshall art? These classes not only teach you to hold your own in a physical dust up because size becomes irrelevant, but you will also develop a lot of self-confidence as a by-product. Always make sure you have your 'phone with you, and perhaps call someone in situations where you feel afraid. 

Yes, that sounds like good ideas.

I do sometimes have the company of one of my friends at the bus stop when she travels between her parents - about 3-4 times per month - but she is only a couple inches taller than me and has the same body type, and I don't think that even the two of us would be able to fight back against a guy like this if we don't use special skills.
So I might suggest this to her as well.

I do however feel quite fine otherwise, it's mostly when I actually end up in these situations that I feel anxious.

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[MsJayne]

7 minutes ago, JosephineGo05 said:

Yes, that sounds like good ideas.

I do sometimes have the company of one of my friends at the bus stop when she travels between her parents - about 3-4 times per month - but she is only a couple inches taller than me and has the same body type, and I don't think that even the two of us would be able to fight back against a guy like this if we don't use special skills.
So I might suggest this to her as well.

I do however feel quite fine otherwise, it's mostly when I actually end up in these situations that I feel anxious.

If you go and do a self defence course, or better still a martial art, not only would you be able to fight someone off, but you could probably keep him in a full nelson until the cops got there   

[JosephineGo05]

6 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

If you go and do a self defence course, or better still a martial art, not only would you be able to fight someone off, but you could probably keep him in a full nelson until the cops got there   

Haha... that definitely seems worth it. ^_^

I am just a little concerned about the situation when I might get grabbed around my waist along with my arms.
It seems like it would be really hard to escape from that kind of grip, especially if it is done by someone much taller and much stronger.
But I am sure that there exist techniques for something like that as well.

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[MsJayne]

6 minutes ago, JosephineGo05 said:

Haha... that definitely seems worth it. ^_^

I am just a little concerned about the situation when I might get grabbed around my waist along with my arms.
It seems like it would be really hard to escape from that kind of grip, especially if it is done by someone much taller and much stronger.
But I am sure that there exist techniques for something like that as well.

There is. The great thing is that if you go and learn some of these skills you will start to exude the type of confidence which repels would-be assailants without even looking in their direction.  Your stance, your expression, everything says , "Think twice about it, buddy". 

 

[JosephineGo05]

8 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

There is. The great thing is that if you go and learn some of these skills you will start to exude the type of confidence which repels would-be assailants without even looking in their direction.  Your stance, your expression, everything says , "Think twice about it, buddy". 

 

That sounds great. ^_^

But even if I learn these skills, I think I will always appreciate the feeling of having a trustful much taller guy stand beside me with his arms around me.
I really do like that a lot - it is something that I have only really experienced with my 2 exes, and they weren't serious relationships, but it was a great feeling.

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, JosephineGo05 said:

Even my best friend, who is always very supportive of me, has warned me that I would have pretty much zero chance in those situations, and that I would be at a severe physical disadvantage.

So would she regardless of her size.  I am 5'6, 135 lbs and was raped and he was not a tall man. Even overweight women get raped.  It's not the size that matters.  If you are constantly afraid of getting raped by tall men don't go out with them and it would be a good idea for you to take self defense classes to increase your courage.

Edited December 10, 2020 by stillafool

[mark clemson]

If fear is an issue, taking up a martial art wouldn't be the craziest thing to do. For example Jiu-Jitsu or a similar discipline that emphasizes how to thwart stronger attacks effectively. (Not Brazilian jui-jitsu, the "regular" kind, although I guess try whatever you think makes the most sense.)

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, JosephineGo05 said:

That sounds great. ^_^

But even if I learn these skills, I think I will always appreciate the feeling of having a trustful much taller guy stand beside me with his arms around me.
I really do like that a lot - it is something that I have only really experienced with my 2 exes, and they weren't serious relationships, but it was a great feeling.

Oh so you aren't afraid of tall men.  Even if you marry a tall man he isn't going to be with you every second so your fear will still be there.  That is why you need self defense training.

Edited December 10, 2020 by stillafool

[JosephineGo05]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Oh so you aren't afraid of tall men.  Even if you marry a tall man he isn't going to be with you every second so your fear will still be there.  That is why you need self defense training.

That's true.
And if I date a man like this and I have only known him for a little while, then there is still a risk that he might decide to rape me just because he knows that he can do it so easily.
This is one reason why I rarely date the boys that I am physically attracted to.

But I do find tall and strong men very attractive - I just need to feel totally comfortable with them, so that they feel protective instead of threatening.
And I will certainly consider some self-defense course, so that this becomes less of a problem.

Edited December 10, 2020 by JosephineGo05

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, JosephineGo05 said:

And if I date a man like this and I have only known him for a little while, then there is still a risk that he might decide to rape me just because he knows that he can do it so easily.

There is very little you can do to stop yourself from becoming the victim of random violence.  That said, being cautious & vigilant is always advisable.  Walk in well lit areas; remove yourself from unsafe situations.  Heck, in bad neighborhoods, I have been known to go through red lights, treating them more like stop signs rather than having to sit still & feel vulnerable if the area is deserted.  As I told the cop who gave me my last ticket for doing this, I would have stayed put if I had seen him because I would have felt safe but the paperwork for the ticket is less than the paperwork for a carjacking or worse.  He let me go.  

Arming yourself is not the answer because you can become too reliant on that & it is not that tough to disarm a novice.  

Taking a self defense class sounds like your best bet. You will never be able to overpower an assailant but you will be taught to think & about vulnerable points -- think S.I.N.G. from the movie Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock.  You only need to be able to escape.   Your brain is your best defense.  I was almost date raped in college.  I had been drinking, I agreed to go back to the guy's fraternity house & was perfectly happy to make out with him on his bed.  When he wanted more & I said no, he started to force the issue, ripping my clothes.  He was a scholarship athlete who outweighed me by about 100 lbs.  Physical force was not going to help me.  I somehow convinced him to let me give him a backrub so at least now I was on top & he was face down.  Fortunately, he'd been drinking too so my ministrations caused him to fall asleep & I ran. 

As for the danger of a date sexually assaulting you, vigilance  is again your best friend.  Avoid being all alone with a man you don't know well enough to trust. Stick to public spaces.   Maintain your faculties (no drinking / drugs; keep your beverage covered; only drink from a contained you opened etc).  In time you should be able to trust him as he proves himself to be worthy.  Don't date men you can't trust.