Break up after 4 years. can someone support my situation!

[datingnoob1234]

Hey everyone

Let me explain my situation.. (I'd be grateful for any help or advice)

In August this year i came out of a 4 year relationship with my now ex girlfriend, following what has been a horrible year with COVID and my only families health. Both my parents have fought cancer this year and with COVID it really strained my relationship in terms of lockdowns and having to isolate in my household. As me and my ex didn't live together i'm 23 years of age and she would have just turned 25, following the break up. 

We managed 3 years of a really strong relationship, whilst both balancing university and a long distance relationship at times. She works as a teacher and my job involves travelling and commentating on different sporting events. This was difficult at times, with me working weekends and sometimes getting last minute bookings. Whilst she worked weekdays, with the usual weekends off. Although this was tough we managed it.

Early this year in 2020 pre-covid we had both finished university and we always said we would look at the next steps regarding moving out of our parents houses. When this conversation arrived in spring this year, i suggested we should take a rental property first. We had never lived together prior to this and thought it was sensible, unfortunately my girlfriend at the time thought this was me showing a lack of commitment, as i wanted to test the waters before jumping into a 30 year mortgage. We argued and after it was a conversation that we never could bring up again.. as much as i tried. 

Following this conversation in spring this year, everything went downhill. As my dad came to the end of his recovery, out of the blue my ex told me she couldn't see a future for us anymore. We both are on separte paths in life and want different things?! But i still couldn't understand this. I tried everything, writing letters, seeing her, texting her and literally EVERYTHING. A month after my mum was diagnosed with cancer, the worst timing ever - literally in the middle of a break up!

My ex still said all the same things, with the house commitment being the 'last straw in the camels back' - I would and still would now do anything to have fixed this whole scenario. She was my first love and i still cannot let go.

Moving on to now December, i was blocked on text and social media in late September, because i wouldn't accept the situation and kept on asking questions. This was were i was at my worst, the one person who i needed to be there to support me wasn't and i was left broken - quite literally. 

Following the break up i brought a house in November, because i needed to have something to think about that was a postive step and maybe secretly i hoped it would prove i wasn't messing about anymore! I also heard that 1 month ago she has been back on Tinder!

Everyday i'm doing my absolute best not to make contact, but it is breaking me inside - i genuinely love this girl and even know she wasn't there for me. I still want her and a future with her.

Can anyone suggest some advice or best way to move forward / reconnect with her? I'm sorry for the long paragraphs.. but i'm just lost.  

Thanks to anyone who read this! 

[Gaeta]

I am truly sorry for what you're going through and the pain it brings you. I am 2 weeks out of a 5 year relationship and it's very difficult. We will go through the 5 stages  of mourning which are, anger, sadness, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. These feelings will come and go in no particular order. You have to make yourself block her, delete her, and not look her up ever again and move forward. When someone wants to move out of your life - Let them. You feel you will never find again that special connection you had with her, it's normal to feel that way, but it's not true. You will survive this, you will meet someone, and that someone will be better suited for you. My brother gave me a good advice when I called him up crying to tell him my relationship was over. He said to allow myself to feel hurt and mourn what once was, but not too long. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by Gaeta

[Cookiesandough]

Fully support it 👍 Sorry you are going through this it. It will get easier 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

i wanted to test the waters before jumping into a 30 year mortgage.

Sorry to hear this. Very sage decision. Never be pressured or manipulated into making a horrendous mistake like co-owning a place, without even knowing if you could live together.  And now she's on Tinder looking for someone to jump into marriage/home-ownership with her?

[datingnoob1234]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am truly sorry for what you're going through and the pain it brings you. I am 2 weeks out of a 5 year relationship and it's very difficult. We will go through the 5 stages  of mourning which are, anger, sadness, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. These feelings will come and go in no particular order. You have to make yourself block her, delete her, and not look her up ever again and move forward. When someone wants to move out of your life - Let them. You feel you will never find again that special connection you had with her, it's normal to feel that way, but it's not true. You will survive this, you will meet someone, and that someone will be better suited for you. My brother gave me a good advice when I called him up crying to tell him my relationship was over. He said to allow myself to feel hurt and mourn what once was, but not too long. 

Hi Gaeta, Thanks for your comment and advice. I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this - the only thing i'm finding difficult is that of the feeling i will never see her again or alternatively she will have a future with someone else? Will she ever contact me again? She was the one who blocked me. All i want to do is reach out to her, but is that me looking weak. I'm just really lost! 

[datingnoob1234]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Very sage decision. Never be pressured or manipulated into making a horrendous mistake like co-owning a place, without even knowing if you could live together.  And now she's on Tinder looking for someone to jump into marriage/home-ownership with her?

Hi Wiseman2, I may have interoperatedted this wrong - she is a really nice genuine and hard working individual. Certainly not after someone just for a house or their wealth. But it hurts me knowing that just 6-8 weeks after the spilt she isn't present in my life when i needed her most. I just want to reach back out to her and try to fix things ;(  

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, datingnoob1234 said:

she is a really nice genuine and hard working individual. Certainly not after someone just for a house or their wealth. 

Exactly, it's not about gold digging, it's about different goals, timelines and places in life. She seemed to equate buying a house together with "commitment", when actually in this case, it's simply a poor financial and logistical decision. She seems to be unable to handle your logical pace or need to deal with your parents' issues.

[datingnoob1234]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly, it's not about gold digging, it's about different goals, timelines and places in life. She seemed to equate buying a house together with "commitment", when actually in this case, it's simply a poor financial and logistical decision. She seems to be unable to handle your logical pace or need to deal with your parents' issues.

It just hurts, as this whole house scenario has been via myself. I wish it was shared with her and i think it would have maybe saved the relationship ;( 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

My ex still said all the same things, with the house commitment being the 'last straw in the camels back' 

You know what? It sounds to me like she was ready to break up with you. This house issue was just the last straw (to use her words). So it's worth asking why she was unhappy (because apparently she was). Heck, maybe she will wasn't even unhappy per se. Maybe she just got bored (it's something that sometimes happens to people of this age in long-term relationships). Or maybe she has been noticing various incompatibilities between you two over time. If this the case, then either she's been trying to talk to you about it and you haven't been paying attention OR she's been hiding it from you.

Your suggestion of renting together first sounds reasonable. I don't think that alone would make someone want to end a relationship they were fully committed too. If she'd been fully committed, I think she would have tried to convince you that you were wrong and her suggestion was the better idea. Breaking up is the action taken by someone who was already halfway out the door.

I think you need to move on. Forget about reconciling with her. In order to move on, you need to be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you had with her. I think you're still idealizing her and the relationship, maybe because of all the stress associated with your family's health (I'm sorry about that). Maybe because you're mourning the relationship. You will probably stop idealizing her eventually and start to remember the relationship more realistically.

Also, you need to tell the friends who are keeping you informed of what your ex is doing to stop. Getting those updates is naturally making it impossible for you to move on.

[Acacia98]

23 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

It just hurts, as this whole house scenario has been via myself. I wish it was shared with her and i think it would have maybe saved the relationship ;( 

This is one thing that kind of annoys me on your behalf. She broke up with you in a way that convinced you it was all your fault. That's actually one of the reasons you can't move on. You're convinced that if you'd done this, that or the other differently, she'd still be there. The reality is probably that your relationship would still have ended because you are different in ways that matter (i.e. incompatible).

There's an element of cruelty in her decision to end things that way. I wish people would be kinder in these kinds of situations. Especially since you were already going through a very difficult time with your family health challenges. I'm sorry, but I think your ex-girlfriend was unkind (to put it mildly), at least in this specific sense.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me as if it's over and you're just going to have to let it go and move on. Breakups are never easy, but they're a lot more difficult when you're young and haven't been through it before. 

I broke up with someone 6 months ago, and though we weren't together very long and there were issues, we still had a lot of love between us and for a while thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. It's not easy to let go of those dreams... but in time I am letting go, focusing on the present and future.

Once people find the right person for them, they always say that looking back, they realize it's a good thing the past relationships didn't work out, as that's what led them to the right person. 

[ShyViolet]

It was extremely foolish and naive of her to think it would have been a good idea for you and her to buy a house together, at age 24, when you had never lived together before.  And you were SMART not to do that.  You 100% did the right thing.  If she couldn't understand that, it's better to go your separate ways.

As for the breakup, I understand it's hard.  But you are going to have to accept it.  You literally have no choice.  You have to accept reality.  She's moved on.  Do not keep trying to contact her.  It just makes you look pathetic, and it accomplishes nothing.  Go through the process, feel your feelings, and understand that this feeling won't last forever.  She is not the only girl in the world, as much as it feels that way right now.

[datingnoob1234]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

This is one thing that kind of annoys me on your behalf. She broke up with you in a way that convinced you it was all your fault. That's actually one of the reasons you can't move on. You're convinced that if you'd done this, that or the other differently, she'd still be there. The reality is probably that your relationship would still have ended because you are different in ways that matter (i.e. incompatible).

There's an element of cruelty in her decision to end things that way. I wish people would be kinder in these kinds of situations. Especially since you were already going through a very difficult time with your family health challenges. I'm sorry, but I think your ex-girlfriend was unkind (to put it mildly), at least in this specific sense.

Hey Acacia98, thanks for your advice here!

I look at this situation daily in my head and naturally analysis everything. But i also look at 2020, this year has prevented us from having a 'normal relationship' and i just feel like it was never taken into account. She said the pandemic gave her alot of time to think about us and everything - which cleary as you've stated she wasn't as happy as she could have been.

When breaking up she said we were on different paths and pages, but it just felt like excuse and excuse! 

I'm still mourning for her back in my life, everything i achieved career wise happened whilst in the relationship and i do truly love her.

Not sure what's the next best steps to take now.. 

 

 

[datingnoob1234]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It sounds to me as if it's over and you're just going to have to let it go and move on. Breakups are never easy, but they're a lot more difficult when you're young and haven't been through it before. 

I broke up with someone 6 months ago, and though we weren't together very long and there were issues, we still had a lot of love between us and for a while thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. It's not easy to let go of those dreams... but in time I am letting go, focusing on the present and future.

Once people find the right person for them, they always say that looking back, they realize it's a good thing the past relationships didn't work out, as that's what led them to the right person. 

Thanks Ruby.

How are you feeling now? Did you not have an urge to try to fix things or maybe give it another go? 

[datingnoob1234]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It was extremely foolish and naive of her to think it would have been a good idea for you and her to buy a house together, at age 24, when you had never lived together before.  And you were SMART not to do that.  You 100% did the right thing.  If she couldn't understand that, it's better to go your separate ways.

As for the breakup, I understand it's hard.  But you are going to have to accept it.  You literally have no choice.  You have to accept reality.  She's moved on.  Do not keep trying to contact her.  It just makes you look pathetic, and it accomplishes nothing.  Go through the process, feel your feelings, and understand that this feeling won't last forever.  She is not the only girl in the world, as much as it feels that way right now.

Hi ShyViolet, thanks for your help and POV.

I hear everything you're saying. But don't you feel as if we're in a day and age now where there's not enough 'fix it' scenarios and instead everyone just wants to 'chuck it away'. Especially that's how it feels for my demographic growing up! 

I just look at there been 4 years of love, care and sharing feelings. To now go and throw it all in the bin, just feels like such a waste - when i believe we could fix something, maybe she's too stubborn to realise.

As i said i'm blocked everywhere, what's my alternative to try and fix anything? What if she is too stubborn to fix something, but deep down she might want us to have another go at it!

I've worked on myself.. psychically, mentally, my career for four months now and i still have that same feeling. 

[Ruby Slippers]

18 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Thanks Ruby.

How are you feeling now? Did you not have an urge to try to fix things or maybe give it another go? 

I'm dealing with a little pandemic fatigue - but other than that doing well, thanks.

I definitely considered trying again. He's contacted me a few times since I broke up with him trying to get back together. But we were off and on the whole time, and the issues were deep-seated, things that would be very unlikely to change without serious counseling on his part. We had some good times, but I'm happier alone than dealing with his bad behavior. And I'm pretty sure that once I'm ready to date again, I can find someone who treats me better.

[flitzanu]

this is going to sound cold, and there's no other way.  your family issues were not relevant to her decision to leave.  they were an additional thing for you to have to think about and deal with, they were not related to her decision so you have to stop lumpiing that together.  

i know it's difficult not to look for every bad thing in the universe that is against you, but if it wasn't your family, it would have been something else to believe "added to the pain" but that's just life, and it sucks.

i do hope your fam is doing well though.

 

as for her, no.  don't contact her, you need to do yourself a favor and block her from all social media so you can't be tempted to stalk her, and quit looking for her dating profiles.  you are the only one that can give her closure, she has nothing left for you, and if you keep trying, she's only going to grow more resentful and you're going to look like a creepy stalker.

enjoy your new house, throw a party, wear covid masks.  you live your best life, she chose to walk away from it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Of course you wanna reach back to her.  That's just brain history talking. Right now you are trapped in the illusion (perhaps delusion) that you can fix things and that you really will be miserable without your ex in your life.

That's all a delusion. If she broke up because you didn't want to commit to a 30-year mortgage, then dude, she's not worth going out with--and I don't care what excuses and explanations you can offer on her behalf.

Dude, if that is her mindset, then things were going to end within the next year anyway.

You're just going through the hard period where we don't yet know how to take care of ourselves without the ex in the picture. You will build up your friendships, build up your ability to nurture yourself and then date again. But it takes time.

 There is no way--none! ... that the mortgage ultimatum was the only problem in the relationship. There is no way this relationship was all blissfully happen before then. 

Why are you overlooking that she dumped you when your parents had cancer? ... well the reason is your brain is just used to relying on this person for comfort. You're used to getting a sense of support from her--even when in reality she wasn't supportive.

Criteria #1 for a good relationship: both people passionately want to be in the relationship. She's just not on your wavelength about life. Sometimes hard to see this because we freeze an image of a person based on our initial meetings and fantasies. 

Start listing the ways the relationship didn't work. Start listing all the ways you didn't connect with her. There is no way this was bliss before hand. And you've got to shake your brain out of that delusion. It takes time, but might as well start now. 

[d0nnivain]

Some relationships doesn't survive life's transitions from HS to college or from college to real life.  

When things got tough -- Covid & your parents' cancer battles -- instead of supporting you, this woman bailed & made it about her.  Do you really think someone like that is a good long term partner?  She has no patience & less empathy.  

Her impatience & immaturity are evident in her demand that you buy a house now.  I see you already did that so good for you for making the investment, but you bought at the top of the market which is usually a very bad idea.  The housing market has skyrocketed due to Covid so now was actually a terrible time to buy.  

But since you purchased a house & foolishly want her back, reach out & invite her over for dinner.  It's not weak to pursue what you want.  I suspect she will either ignore or come back & demand that you add her to the mortgage / deed (don't do it) or things will be OK for a little while then she will bail again because she no longer wants to put in the effort.  

[Yosemite]

I think she was waiting for your dad to get better...she kept her mouth shut about all the things that made her unhappy about the relationship during your dad's illness and once he got better, she left. It's just bad luck that your mom got sick right after she left.

She's blocked you everywhere because you couldn't accept that her answer was no. There's nothing for you to do now but just go through the emotions and move on. She's gone.

Time heals all wounds.

[datingnoob1234]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Some relationships doesn't survive life's transitions from HS to college or from college to real life.  

When things got tough -- Covid & your parents' cancer battles -- instead of supporting you, this woman bailed & made it about her.  Do you really think someone like that is a good long term partner?  She has no patience & less empathy.  

Her impatience & immaturity are evident in her demand that you buy a house now.  I see you already did that so good for you for making the investment, but you bought at the top of the market which is usually a very bad idea.  The housing market has skyrocketed due to COVID so now was actually a terrible time to buy.  

But since you purchased a house & foolishly want her back, reach out & invite her over for dinner.  It's not weak to pursue what you want.  I suspect she will either ignore or come back & demand that you add her to the mortgage / deed (don't do it) or things will be OK for a little while then she will bail again because she no longer wants to put in the effort.  

Hi d0nnivain, thanks for your feedback here.

It's always good to get a POV from someone on the outside - I have had similar thoughts regarding her approach, but also i think maybe it's not fair to have so much guilt thrown onto her - in some ways it isn't her issue. 

Regarding the house scenario, she had a mindset that we weren't moving onto the next steps anytime soon. So as soon as we spilt, i felt like i wanted to get moving and to do something with my money, regarding house prices yes they're high - but i'm confident in my purchase for what i got. 

We haven't spoken for 2.5 months now, i'm not sure dinner is the first step i should take? I'm blocked on some social platforms, not sure how to go about something like this.. but i don't want to give up yet. 

I really appreciate your 20 cents here though, thank you! 

[datingnoob1234]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Of course you wanna reach back to her.  That's just brain history talking. Right now you are trapped in the illusion (perhaps delusion) that you can fix things and that you really will be miserable without your ex in your life.

That's all a delusion. If she broke up because you didn't want to commit to a 30-year mortgage, then dude, she's not worth going out with--and I don't care what excuses and explanations you can offer on her behalf.

Dude, if that is her mindset, then things were going to end within the next year anyway.

You're just going through the hard period where we don't yet know how to take care of ourselves without the ex in the picture. You will build up your friendships, build up your ability to nurture yourself and then date again. But it takes time.

 There is no way--none! ... that the mortgage ultimatum was the only problem in the relationship. There is no way this relationship was all blissfully happen before then. 

Why are you overlooking that she dumped you when your parents had cancer? ... well the reason is your brain is just used to relying on this person for comfort. You're used to getting a sense of support from her--even when in reality she wasn't supportive.

Criteria #1 for a good relationship: both people passionately want to be in the relationship. She's just not on your wavelength about life. Sometimes hard to see this because we freeze an image of a person based on our initial meetings and fantasies. 

Start listing the ways the relationship didn't work. Start listing all the ways you didn't connect with her. There is no way this was bliss before hand. And you've got to shake your brain out of that delusion. It takes time, but might as well start now. 

Hi Lotsgoingon, 

Thank you for your help and opinion here. 

It's good to read all your thoughts, but part of me still thinks 'what if' and the 'but' to certain scenarios.

It's been 2.5 months of silence, but i really want to break the silence and to make some contact with her - before it's too late.

I think we were always looking at what's the next steps were and i think moving out would have been that. I'm worried she's seen me buying a house and thinks i've completely moved on, when in reality i'm struggling so badly.

Thanks again for providing your help here.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

So what if she sees you buying a house? What does that have to do with whether or not you and your ex were going to fit?

Again, this is just brain lag talking. Your brain still assumes what she think matters--matters a lot. That's because in relationship we can become very dependent on the other person's approval and affections---and I don't mean this in a toxic way. So when we break up with them, we still have this habit of calling them, this habit of hearing their voice and wanting to hear their voice and all of that. This will pass.

Who cares if she thinks you've moved on? If she's the right person for you, she would confirm this and not base it on a distant impression. 

[ajequals]

Unfortunately   you have made her   "the One". thinking there is no one else out there for you. Most men usually do, including myself recently. All you can do is Work on yourself. Be the best you can be. Work on making your life better and end any attempt of contact. You can't make someone want you. All you can do is find someone that does. She might be back one day But you probably wouldn't want her then. You know now what Not to look for in a partner . 

[ShyViolet]

19 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hi ShyViolet, thanks for your help and POV.

I hear everything you're saying. But don't you feel as if we're in a day and age now where there's not enough 'fix it' scenarios and instead everyone just wants to 'chuck it away'. Especially that's how it feels for my demographic growing up! 

I just look at there been 4 years of love, care and sharing feelings. To now go and throw it all in the bin, just feels like such a waste - when i believe we could fix something, maybe she's too stubborn to realise.

As i said i'm blocked everywhere, what's my alternative to try and fix anything? What if she is too stubborn to fix something, but deep down she might want us to have another go at it!

I've worked on myself.. psychically, mentally, my career for four months now and i still have that same feeling. 

Listen, I'm going to be blunt here.  This is not an issue of her being "stubborn."  She has ended the relationship.  She made her decision.  You are in denial.  Sooner or later you will have no choice but to accept this reality.  The relationship is over.  You need to accept that.  

It really irks me when people say things like "we had a relationship of four years, how can we just throw that all away now?"  Just because a relationship was four years long, that has absolutely nothing to do with whether it should continue now.  Length of time is not in itself a reason why a relationship needs to continue.  Ending it is not "throwing it away."  You can end a relationship and still appreciate the time you spent with the person, and not regret that time, but still know that the two of you are no longer compatible and need to go your separate ways.

Edited December 11, 2020 by ShyViolet