Break up after 4 years. can someone support my situation!

[Crazy_8]

Just checking in. I've also been dumped after a 4/5 year relationship.

I know that the comment above 'anger, sadness, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance', is definitely worth thinking about. Which stage are you at now and what can you do to change this?

I started off as accepting when she broke up with me last week, but my way of handling things is i cycle through all emotions constantly. I've been both sad, then angry and depressed all within 1 week! 

Obviously it looks like you've not had enough closure which I can fully understand why you still feel the need to contact her. I was also given a similar reason about us 'growing apart', which is very hard to accept. In a way you kind of wish they had just done something really bad so you could hate them for it and move on.

I've been through similar situations in the past, and my only tried and tested coping method is keeping busy as much as possible and keeping people around you. It's ok to sulk for a while and mourn the loss but this has to end, or you'll be stuck feeling this way for too long. Try making a plan for yourself over christmas so you dont spend too long thinking about her. It's all about distraction!

[datingnoob1234]

On 12/13/2020 at 4:04 PM, Crazy_8 said:

Just checking in. I've also been dumped after a 4/5 year relationship.

I know that the comment above 'anger, sadness, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance', is definitely worth thinking about. Which stage are you at now and what can you do to change this?

I started off as accepting when she broke up with me last week, but my way of handling things is i cycle through all emotions constantly. I've been both sad, then angry and depressed all within 1 week! 

Obviously it looks like you've not had enough closure which I can fully understand why you still feel the need to contact her. I was also given a similar reason about us 'growing apart', which is very hard to accept. In a way you kind of wish they had just done something really bad so you could hate them for it and move on.

I've been through similar situations in the past, and my only tried and tested coping method is keeping busy as much as possible and keeping people around you. It's ok to sulk for a while and mourn the loss but this has to end, or you'll be stuck feeling this way for too long. Try making a plan for yourself over christmas so you dont spend too long thinking about her. It's all about distraction!

Hey Crazy_8,

So sorry to hear about your situation.

I hear everything you've said and can relate in so many ways. I have done my absolute best to keep busy with my job, but it feels like i'm pointlessly filling my time - when nothing compares to the enjoyment i had with her.

As you may have seen i was blocked on all socials, because i couldn't psychically accept it and i still can't to this day. I go through all the emotions.. up, down and constantly just thinking about this girl.

I don't know whether to re-reach back out via a whatsapp or via a letter. Especially around this Christmas time period, it really does suck and i just feel helpless. 

What's your best advice? Again i'm a pair of ears also if you wanna take this off this forum!

 

 

[datingnoob1234]

On 12/13/2020 at 2:59 PM, ShyViolet said:

Why did you make this post if you're not planning on taking anyone's advice and just going to repeat the same things over and over? 

You don't contact someone who has you BLOCKED EVERYWHERE.  The fact that she still has you blocked everywhere should tell you that it's not ok to contact her anyway.  You are not listening to her.  You are only thinking about what YOU want.  Well this is not all about you.  A relationship is between two people.  And when one person decides to block the other, it doesn't matter if YOU don't want to give up.  You don't get to control the situation.  You have to respect the decision that the other person has made, or else that makes you a stalker.  

She blocked me, because at the time i wouldn't accept the decision. 

I think you're looking into this too deeply, i haven't been following and chasing this girl around on her daily travels. I haven't spoken to her for three months, i'm sitting her thinking to myself why on earth or how hasn't she checked in on me? On top of this, with me purchasing the house, she probably has hate towards me now and probably thinks i did this out of spite - which isn't the case what so ever! 

I just want to put the record straight, because right now it's petty - why haven't i been unblocked, why hasn't this been resolved properly? 

I have taken onboard all of your advice here and i do truly appreciate it. 

I guess it just sucks, when you want the right answer and will do anything to just get to speak to her again or fix this situation. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

I guess it just sucks, when you want the right answer and will do anything to just get to speak to her again or fix this situation. 

With respect, you've both had 4 years to fix issues. Breakups do suck, but unfortunately they are often unilateral after a long time of frustrations.

[Gaeta]

34 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

She blocked me, because at the time i wouldn't accept the decision. 

i'm sitting her thinking to myself why on earth or how hasn't she checked in on me? On top of this, with me purchasing the house, she probably has hate towards me now and probably thinks i did this out of spite - which isn't the case what so ever! 

why haven't i been unblocked, why hasn't this been resolved properly? 

I guess it just sucks, when you want the right answer and will do anything to just get to speak to her again or fix this situation. 

And you still have not accepted her decision.

She has not contacted you, and will not be contacting you because she has moved on. You are not in her mind. No, she does not have hate toward you, she doesn't think of you buying a house, she doesn't spend time feeling spite against you. She has  moved on.

You have not been unblocked because she STILL does not want to deal with you and your refusal to accept it's over.

She does not want to fix the situation, she has moved on. 

Listen, I got out of 5 year relationship like 3 weeks ago. It hurts and it will hurt a while and healing only starts when you *accept* it's over. I have family member who've separated like 15 years ago and STILL don't accept it. It's not a way to live. Give yourself a gift, accept it's over and move on. You will fall in love again. 

Edited December 15, 2020 by Gaeta

[Ruby Slippers]

She hasn't checked in on you because she didn't see a clear way forward with you, so she's moved on. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. But she knows it isn't going to work, and she knows that going over and over it isn't going to change anything - it would only give you false hope.

With your family's health issues and everything going on, I think you need to try to let this go and begin the healing process. I understand that losing your first love is very painful - most of us have been there before. But it's rare that anyone's first love lasts forever. 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

She blocked me, because at the time i wouldn't accept the decision. 

 

"At the time" you wouldn't accept the decision?  You are clearly STILL not accepting the decision.  That is why she STILL has you blocked.

Did you ever consider that maybe she hasn't reached out to check on you because she has moved on with her life?  And she is simply not interested in getting back together with you?  It doesn't necessarily mean that she hates you.  But she wants to move on with her life and has no interest in looking back.  Why can't you respect that and allow her to live her life the way SHE chooses to?  You have no right to force your way back into her life against her wishes.

[datingnoob1234]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

"At the time" you wouldn't accept the decision?  You are clearly STILL not accepting the decision.  That is why she STILL has you blocked.

Did you ever consider that maybe she hasn't reached out to check on you because she has moved on with her life?  And she is simply not interested in getting back together with you?  It doesn't necessarily mean that she hates you.  But she wants to move on with her life and has no interest in looking back.  Why can't you respect that and allow her to live her life the way SHE chooses to?  You have no right to force your way back into her life against her wishes.

Because maybe i feel like i'm still owed something.

Yes everyone faces their own problems, but this year i've face so much crap and i thought maybe just maybe that one person would have been there for me during all of this.

Why haven't i accepted it still? Because i still LOVE this girl. I will i could just switch off, but i'm hurt. 

Do i wish i could stop moping around, yes - of course. But these things are just not easy!

There is never a hope i will 'force her back into my life', i just wish i could have something with this girl. We spent four years together and shared so much of my life. 

I just want a the answer, but there isn't one. 

Sorry to go on, but i'm just struggling here.

[datingnoob1234]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

And you still have not accepted her decision.

She has not contacted you, and will not be contacting you because she has moved on. You are not in her mind. No, she does not have hate toward you, she doesn't think of you buying a house, she doesn't spend time feeling spite against you. She has  moved on.

You have not been unblocked because she STILL does not want to deal with you and your refusal to accept it's over.

She does not want to fix the situation, she has moved on. 

Listen, I got out of 5 year relationship like 3 weeks ago. It hurts and it will hurt a while and healing only starts when you *accept* it's over. I have family member who've separated like 15 years ago and STILL don't accept it. It's not a way to live. Give yourself a gift, accept it's over and move on. You will fall in love again. 

How are you coping over your break up? Was it your decision or a joint one?

Sorry to hear that too.

[Ruby Slippers]

11 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Because maybe i feel like i'm still owed something.

Yes everyone faces their own problems, but this year i've face so much crap and i thought maybe just maybe that one person would have been there for me during all of this.

Clearly you were wrong. I was very let down by certain things my ex did toward the end of our relationship. It really hurt that after so many things I had done for him, that was the thanks I got. But you know, he probably felt the same way about other things I did.

Nobody owes you anything. 

You're going to have to find ways to create your own sense of closure. There are lots of good free YouTube videos on how to deal with a breakup.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

How are you coping over your break up? Was it your decision or a joint one?

Sorry to hear that too.

The first 2 weeks were horrible. Even if I caught him cheating with several women all I wanted to do was run back to him. Now the shock has passed and I am going through the normal mourning phases. I cried a lot, I felt anger, I felt depressed, and these feelings come and go in no particular order. I push through the pain. It's easier since I have accepted it is over. It was good while it lasted, I had 5 good years but it's over. After the covid I will start dating again and I have no doubt at all I will find another man and I'll fall in love again. You need to accept it's over with her and you have a life to continue living and someone else will cross your path. When you accept it's over you stop looking them up, you stop wondering what they're doing, and you stop trying to figure things out. You let it go. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

 i feel like i'm still owed something.

.We spent four years together and shared so much of my life. 

Step back and deal with all the stess and losses you've been through with the family.

Start there. Talk to friends, relatives, etc for support.

Get involved in your own life again. Your profession your interests, clubs, groups, sports, taking online courses, setting up your new house,etc.

Think about getting a roommate for company and defraying some of the costs.

She doesn't owe you anything. After 4 years, she spent enough time on you.

[datingnoob1234]

On 12/15/2020 at 10:00 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

Clearly you were wrong. I was very let down by certain things my ex did toward the end of our relationship. It really hurt that after so many things I had done for him, that was the thanks I got. But you know, he probably felt the same way about other things I did.

Nobody owes you anything. 

You're going to have to find ways to create your own sense of closure. There are lots of good free YouTube videos on how to deal with a breakup.

Did you follow it up with a conversation with he/she? or did you just get on with it, so to speak.

[datingnoob1234]

On 12/16/2020 at 2:37 AM, Gaeta said:

The first 2 weeks were horrible. Even if I caught him cheating with several women all I wanted to do was run back to him. Now the shock has passed and I am going through the normal mourning phases. I cried a lot, I felt anger, I felt depressed, and these feelings come and go in no particular order. I push through the pain. It's easier since I have accepted it is over. It was good while it lasted, I had 5 good years but it's over. After the covid I will start dating again and I have no doubt at all I will find another man and I'll fall in love again. You need to accept it's over with her and you have a life to continue living and someone else will cross your path. When you accept it's over you stop looking them up, you stop wondering what they're doing, and you stop trying to figure things out. You let it go. 

Thanks for this.

So sorry again to hear about your own journey, i agree you have to let go. But as you also said, i'm blind to all the good that is overruling the bad right now. I'm still in love with her no doubt, i still miss her, even after i've had to face alot of adversity in the break up. Sometimes i think, do i even want to put myself through all the pain again and that is usually what stops be messaging her. 

You can call me crazy, but i think she is also to stubborn to ever reach out to me again. I know what the replies will say to this 'she doesn't want you' etc etc. But i know this girl the most, i think there's a level of pride for women, if they want to break up - rarely they're never gonna come back. 

As much as you don't think it has, all of your comments have helped me - i'm trying to fight through the pain, i am. 

[Gaeta]

@datingnoob1234 Of course you are still in love, so am I. Getting over a break up is not an easy journey but at some point we have to see things for what they are. It was a long thought out decision your girlfriend took. It has nothing to do with stubbornness. Sometimes people will be stubborn after a big fight out of nowhere but it's not the case here. She analyzed the relationship and made a decision. 

Again, I am sorry you are going through this. It will pass, it always passes. 

[Ruby Slippers]

5 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Did you follow it up with a conversation with he/she? or did you just get on with it, so to speak.

No. I told him many times how certain things he did drove me away. He rarely apologized, and if he did, he'd often keep doing the same stuff, anyway. It was kind of like talking to a brick wall, so I gave up that pointless exercise. 

[lee179108]

Im sorry for your situation... but let me tell you this..  i went through a breakup this year with a girl i loved so much more than anyone before, she broke my heart for a second time, said she wanted to be single then was on tinder soon after.. i begged, sent long messages, got depressed, seen a councellor, talked to so many friends, kept hoping and praying she would come back. And then 5 months later out of nowhere i matched this girl on hinge, she only lives 10 minutes away whereas my ex was an hour.  This girl now is amazing, shes attractive in her looks and personality and she puts effort in to me and is always there for me when i need her. Shes what i want in a girl..  so no matter how low you feel right now just rest assure you wont feel like that at some point in future..  get on the dating apps, work out, look after yourself and then randomly at some point you will meet someone and your ex will fade.  Find someone who has stuff in common with you and who wont just end it with you on disagreements like you mentioned in the start of your post. Find someone who will listen to you and then work with out on how to get through a tough situation. 

[datingnoob1234]

12 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Im sorry for your situation... but let me tell you this..  i went through a breakup this year with a girl i loved so much more than anyone before, she broke my heart for a second time, said she wanted to be single then was on tinder soon after.. i begged, sent long messages, got depressed, seen a councellor, talked to so many friends, kept hoping and praying she would come back. And then 5 months later out of nowhere i matched this girl on hinge, she only lives 10 minutes away whereas my ex was an hour.  This girl now is amazing, shes attractive in her looks and personality and she puts effort in to me and is always there for me when i need her. Shes what i want in a girl..  so no matter how low you feel right now just rest assure you wont feel like that at some point in future..  get on the dating apps, work out, look after yourself and then randomly at some point you will meet someone and your ex will fade.  Find someone who has stuff in common with you and who wont just end it with you on disagreements like you mentioned in the start of your post. Find someone who will listen to you and then work with out on how to get through a tough situation. 

Hi Lee,

Thanks for your message - i'm super happy that you worked everything out like you said. 

I think i'm of course still so deep in love with this person, yet am blinded to maybe what was the 'bad' in the relationship. For me it's the 'what if's' that drive me crazy inside and the letting go is so difficult. 

I'm not really wanting to find anything else or to go on dating sites, for me that was alittle respectful from her and i'm not actively looking to search for anything. 

I don't know if i'm working through this or not, it just feels like a dark cloud is over me 24/7 with the occasional 30 minutes when i can distract myself from the situation.

Did seeing a councilor help you, i'm seriously debating some sort of further help - it's great speaking to family / freinds, but no one will ever understand your situation like you. 

[Dan111]

Hi datingnoob,

my fiancé and I were together for 4 years and split up a couple of weeks ago so I know how you are feeling. 

Some of the people here have been giving you great advice.

You seem to be like me in a past relationship a few years ago, you can’t let go.

I found myself not accepting the relationship was over and started being nasty, she eventually blocked me on all social media. I vowed to myself to never be like that again.. I also sent a letter like you are thinking.

when I sent the letter a few months after all I did was apologise for my behaviour and how I will always look back with happiness with what we did have.  
I have no idea if she ever received it and I’ve never heard from her.

what I’m saying is, I think you really need to accept the fact it’s over, you will meet somebody else although at the moment you can’t see it.

if you do want to sent a letter I would keep it short and just say how you wish her the best in the future and your always cherish her in your heart etc.  Don’t beg.

leave it there and move on, if you hear from her then that’s up to her but DONT cling onto that notion.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

I'm not really wanting to find anything else or to go on dating sites, for me that was alittle respectful from her and i'm not actively looking to search for anything. 

After my past breakups I literally had to *make myself* get over it. I could not envision being with another man, I could not stop idealizing them etc. But I *made* myself get online and browse. No one could force me to chat, or meet, but I pushed the tip of my toe in that water. It showed me there were other interesting men out there, probably better men too and my love life didn't end here. 

Edited December 20, 2020 by Gaeta

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hi Lee,

Thanks for your message - i'm super happy that you worked everything out like you said. 

I think i'm of course still so deep in love with this person, yet am blinded to maybe what was the 'bad' in the relationship. For me it's the 'what if's' that drive me crazy inside and the letting go is so difficult. 

I'm not really wanting to find anything else or to go on dating sites, for me that was alittle respectful from her and i'm not actively looking to search for anything. 

I don't know if i'm working through this or not, it just feels like a dark cloud is over me 24/7 with the occasional 30 minutes when i can distract myself from the situation.

Did seeing a councilor help you, i'm seriously debating some sort of further help - it's great speaking to family / freinds, but no one will ever understand your situation like you. 

You need to try and not think about the what if's....  that wont do any good for you...   the situation ended the way it ended and theres no changing that, theres nothing more you can do. Only thing you can do now is stay in no contact and focus on your life, focus on starting fresh, work out, treat yourself to some things then eventually you will start dating again.. it will take a few trys when you do but eventually you will click with someone and the happiness will be back. I like you was in a dark place and saw no way out.. but then it just happened.  seeing a councellor was good to talk and it helped to an extent but i still had those thoughts after it.. but i got back out there and dated and found someone i connect with..  now i think why did i even bother with someone who wanted to get rid of me?  you will get there buddy! just put faith in time.

[datingnoob1234]

19 hours ago, lee179108 said:

You need to try and not think about the what if's....  that wont do any good for you...   the situation ended the way it ended and theres no changing that, theres nothing more you can do. Only thing you can do now is stay in no contact and focus on your life, focus on starting fresh, work out, treat yourself to some things then eventually you will start dating again.. it will take a few trys when you do but eventually you will click with someone and the happiness will be back. I like you was in a dark place and saw no way out.. but then it just happened.  seeing a councellor was good to talk and it helped to an extent but i still had those thoughts after it.. but i got back out there and dated and found someone i connect with..  now i think why did i even bother with someone who wanted to get rid of me?  you will get there buddy! just put faith in time.

Thanks for this. I guess you also thought to yourself, you wouldn't find anyone better or someone. For me it's that feeling of spending 4 years + with someone in your life, sharing the 'real you' and everything inside of you. Especially around Christmas time, i'm of course really feeling it. But i've booked myself into a spa, trying to train and eat well. I'm lucky to have a success career, but that isn't enough for me. May i ask, how did you get that person out of your head, for me it's a constant reminder and she's always there - it's clear to see my mind is over thinking and fantasying no doubt. Thanks again for all your advice to date

[lee179108]

On 12/21/2020 at 12:36 PM, datingnoob1234 said:

Thanks for this. I guess you also thought to yourself, you wouldn't find anyone better or someone. For me it's that feeling of spending 4 years + with someone in your life, sharing the 'real you' and everything inside of you. Especially around Christmas time, i'm of course really feeling it. But i've booked myself into a spa, trying to train and eat well. I'm lucky to have a success career, but that isn't enough for me. May i ask, how did you get that person out of your head, for me it's a constant reminder and she's always there - it's clear to see my mind is over thinking and fantasying no doubt. Thanks again for all your advice to date

Of course i thought that I wouldnt find anyone like her... but you will.. or someone better..  the routine you had will change but you will make a new routine with someone else in time. The only way she kind of faded from me was when I clicked with somone new, of course I talked with friends, went to the gym and did some of my hobbys which made me forget but i still thought of her every day...  i still do now at times...  but its not as extreme as before. 

[Pumaza]

Sad, thats alot on your plate.But you managed well.

Dont wait if you feel you need to talk with a therapist.

Specially with so much stuff,it may be a good thing to do.

You are very young. Every breakup can hurt, but you will be ok with time.

Its normal that relationships can end. People grow sometimes and have deferent desires,dreams,needs. Accept it. Is good you know now then be fooled another 4 years.

All the best. Many amazing girls out there.

[datingnoob1234]

On 12/23/2020 at 2:06 AM, lee179108 said:

Of course i thought that I wouldnt find anyone like her... but you will.. or someone better..  the routine you had will change but you will make a new routine with someone else in time. The only way she kind of faded from me was when I clicked with somone new, of course I talked with friends, went to the gym and did some of my hobbys which made me forget but i still thought of her every day...  i still do now at times...  but its not as extreme as before. 

I apperciate your help and advice again.

You can tell me to jog on.. but did you not partly feel when you went looking for someone else you were just trying to patch up or 'get over' your ex. For me i'm still in that mindset, that she was the best i had. I know it's probably normal to feel like this. I'm glad you're clearly happy, i'm just trying to break down the mindset. 

It's been 3 months officially no contact now and with xmas n all.. i've just wanted to see or speak to her. But i've had to hold off so much, which has really really challenged me!

Hope you had a great christmas btw!