Anxiety running out of control? or relationship damaged beyond repair ?

[JohnnyComeLately]

Where to begin? I M(39)feel so lost right now. I have been with my partner F(37) for 17 years. There is a lack of intimacy which can be explained by cysts on her cervix. If it was just that , I could get past it. But it isn’t. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for about six months now because we needed a new mattress because our old one was hurting her hip. To my fault , i didn’t see this is an immediate problem and didn’t make buying a new mattress a priority. 

 

About a month ago right after she started her new job (she hasn’t worked consistently throughout our relationship although she has here and there) I got very insecure and snooped on an account of hers. Found that she was doing sexual role plays with a stranger online. She had mentioned this before and we talked about it. I told her it did bother me but I was ok with it since it was anonymous and she said it was a way for her to express some of her sexual fantasies and find out what is an actual interest and what isn’t (she was abused as small child and has a high and to her claim “distorted” sexual Interest because of it) when I asked why she didn’t share these things with me she said I had said things that made here feel ashamed in the past and she felt unconscious discussing these things with me, and I would agree with that. I told here I’ve worked to be open minded but it was a struggle when we were younger having been raised in a very conservative household where sex was just something that wasn’t discussed. Anyway the snooping on my behalf (happened about a month ago) has put a huge strain in our relationship. We are still talking and communicating more now than we have in some time , but I can’t help but feel this is headed down a bad road. 

 

Some more background , she had a breakdown a couple years ago and said I had become emotionally distant. I had. I still loved her I had just become very focused on my career goals and was very complacent in our relationship. I really don’t feel I came out of this funk Until very recently . I feel as though now I am emotionally invested and she has grown distant. I have likely not helped matters by trying to fix eve thing over night. Probably should have given more space rather than come at her so hard. 

 

Sorry for the long wall of text. We have been together for a long time and rationally I feel as though we can work though this once things settle down (we both stated new jobs within the past month) However I have very bad anxiety and the anxiety is telling me this may be beyond repair. I’d really love some outsiders prospective on this situation. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long have you lived together? Do you have kids with each other or from previous relationships? 

First of all get to a doctor about the anxiety and lassitude. Do this for yourself.

Couples therapy may help you uncover some of the issues behind the issues with regard to separate bedrooms and/or physical issues interfering with intimacy.

You've identified some issues such as complacency, coasting along, etc. However her explanation for the sexual role play seems a bit odd and self pseudo-diagnosed. 

Something is up with her and it's more than lumpy mattresses or cysts. Get that dialogue going with more honesty in couples therapy.

[JohnnyComeLately]

We’ve lived together for 15 years. I plan on starting therapy for myself in February and we plan on starting couples therapy once the pandemic isn’t an issue. We do have a 14 year old son together. 
 

 

[JohnnyComeLately]

I have been to a couple of doctors for the anxiety. One tried to put me on SRIs and Clonanzopam . The second recommended therapy and after trying the medication I think prefer this route. 

[d0nnivain]

Your anxiety is wrong.  Stop listening to it.  I know that is hard because heaven knows my anxiety screams the most dreadful scary things at me sometimes. 

You need to do a few things, NOW, not after Covid is over. 

1.  Get a new mattress

2.  Get back in the same bed

3.  Do some sex stuff, even if not penetration which hurts her. 

4.  Get on Zoom couples therapy.  Don't wait for in person.  

5. Deal with your anxiety.   A pill isn't the answer to everything.  Talk therapy is amazing when done right.  You would be better off with EMDR, mediation, mindfulness, exercise or even prayer.  Prayer is how I finally got my demons under control.  

If you work together with your wife & she can get her cysts addressed, you can save this marriage if you both want to.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, don't wait on therapy. You're in a very fragile period. Do teletherapy now --even if you have to sit in the car outside your home to access the internet away from your son, assuming you want privacy. 

I did teletherapy when I had surgery a few years back and it was shockingly normal. And with all the zoom practice we all have had because of the quarantine, you'd be amazed at how intimate and fine it will be.

You need to work on reducing your anxiety, but that's only one issue. You also need to figure out when your anxiety is an alarm bell that you need to listen to. Sometimes anxiety is the  healthy signal our body gives that tells us something is wrong. And if you don't pay attention, the anxiety will increase. I was about to take on a huge work project a few months back, when, as I got started on preparing for the project, I got hit with anxiety and terror. I could tell this project would take over my life, would require way too much emotional energy from me. I backed off. That was my alarm anxiety, and it disappeared once I decided against the work project and found a simpler project. 

But in order to pay attention to your anxiety (the healthy alarm part of it) you need to learn some communication and intimacy skills. Like about to approach your wife and say, "Hey honey, I'm feeling a little worried X and Y. Can we discuss Z.?" So part of your anxiety is that you are frozen, it seems, and unable to communicate and connect with your wife when you're feeling things are bad. This communication issue is a relatively easy one to fix. You literally need to get to a therapist and the therapist can script out the lines for you. If you don't have a history of doing this naturally, sometimes you just have to be taught it explicitly. 

Your desire to snoop was one of those alarms telling you something is off in the relationship. You didn't need to snoop and didn't gain anything from doing so. You're as stuck as you were before you snooped. Again, the problem here is that you most likely don't know how to have a serious conversation with your wife when you're feeling bad.  Since you don't know what action to take--how to initiate a conversation about trouble--you are stuck in the limbo of anxiety. That's why you need to get to therapy and soon. I say go to individual therapy AND couples therapy--yes at the same time--AND get on some meds to quickly quiet that anxiety. 

Meds and therapy work well together.  Lots of people need the medicine boost to give them the energy and clarity to do the inner work that could, down the line, allow them to stop the meds. Get to therapy now. Get to couples counseling now.  And get to your GP or a psychiatrist now.  The longer we're anxious or depressed, the more helpful it is to get a boost from medicine and then do more internal work of therapy. 

Final point, you got some catching up to do. It's quite likely that anxiety runs in your family, that one or both of your parents had it, that one of your siblings has it---which is all a sign for you to get on top of it aggressively and to feel less guilty about it--and my bet is you haven't even noticed this family history. Time to get in gear brother. The positive payoff will be enormous. 

 

 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 12/10/2020 at 4:47 PM, d0nnivain said:

Prayer is how I finally got my demons under control.  

@d0nnivain your whole post was excellent. Would you expand on this sentence? Like certain prayers or prayer regimen? I'm interested in trying it.